How do you ask

[confusedmama]

H finally moved out 3 weeks ago, saw a mediator a little over 1 week ago and now I have to put in writing what I feel is needed for this separation. I thought it would be simple, but now I'm sitting down to do it and have NO clue where to start.

 

I don't know what I want, other than him NOT here. I don't know how to ask for what I want or need, because as soon as I do I feel guilty. Yes, I know this is my issue/junk coming from the past 14 years ( or probably more)

 

Should I be concerned about being fair? I don't want to be a B***ch, but I don't want to be taken advantage of either. Can't figure out $$, visitation w/ kids, do I have the right to ask him to move into a proper apt. so he can take the kids for visitation rather than coming over here? Should he Pay for 1/2 the bills even if he isn't living here?

 

HOw long should this last? When should we re-evaluate? Or should we?

 

I guess I should mention he doesn't want any of this. So I'm afraid of his reactions no matter what I present.

 

HELP (please)

[melrich]

You have to accept guilt. It is a normal part of the process, if you felt none you would be a psychotic. That's the first step.

 

Next you have to write down what you want. Then give it someone you trust and ask them what they think...is it fair to both sides (don't ask someone who is just likely to take your side).

 

Then you need to seek legal input. You do not have a right to dictate where you want him to live (or how for that matter) but you do have the right to have a say in what you want the children to be exposed to.

[confusedmama]

Thanks Richgabe,

 

I've started writing down what I want and I guess the next step is what I need. Wow I wish this were easier. Even though it is my decision (and maybe that is the problem) I'm having a really tough time with this.

 

Thanks again

[irishmyste]

Confused, you need to speak to a lawyer ASAP! You need professional guidance and input to help you with this. During a divorce our emotions play havoc with our rational thinking and we often will make poor decisions that we regret later, especially when it comes to property settlement. As a recovered divorcee who learned the hard way, your first priority is to......get yourself a lawyer and then get into therapy to help with the inside you! You are in my thoughts and prayers.

[equal marriage]

One the best steps you can take is to educate yourself on the laws of your state. There are several sites that can help you with this, divorcesource is one of the largest divorce sites. Equality in Marriage Institute will also give you some great direction. Now back to how do you start writing down what you have/ want.

 

Start with what you co own/owe, for example: car, apartment, house, land, boat, loans, credit cards, gas credit cards, store credit cards, memberships to health clubs or shopping clubs, etc. List, as best you can, the value of each, how much is left to pay on any of them, how they were paid for (you paid form a savings account, he used his tax refund, you split the cost). What legal papers are your names on?- lease, loan, deed? Now you can move on to smaller stuff- what around your residence is "yours" (meaning you bought it or use it more?) what do you share equally- ie tv, stereo, living room furniture?

 

What accounts to share? Do you have any money that only you have access to? You should have copies of recent bank statement for you and your spouse. Any stock investments?

 

Once you have idea of what your laws are in your state and a list of what you have together, with notes as to what you want, you can then feel confident when interviewing lawyers.

 

Some other must read sites belong to The American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers and Womansdivorce.

[mccarleighp]

you have got to stop thinking about him and start thinking about you and the kids just clear your mind put pen to paper and write what u want to write when u start i bet u find it hard to stop once u have started go 4 it girl dont hold back good luck

[confusedandlost]

When I made the decision to get divorced, I made a list of all the bills. Then created a new list of what his bills would be to determine what could be afforded. I didn't want to bankrupt either one of us, because it would only hurt the children. I decided if he paid the children's school tuition and an addtional few hundred a mth both of us would be able to survive, there wouldn't be many extras, but as bills get paid off things will be easier. I then made a list of our property - everything prior to marriage was that person's to keep, the house if ever sold equity would be split 50/50. You have to make these decisions as if it was a business. Good luck

[nebbish]

it wasn't clear to me from your post whether you have kids or not. many states have statytory guidelines for child support and matter what you two agfree to, a judge is pretty much going to hold the one without the the kids to paying the mandatory child support unless there's a darn good reason not to.

 

as far as the rest: i hopr your guilt is wearing off, although it probably will be sonmething in your background for the rest fo your life; but even so, congratulations on having the courage to do something. someone said pity is a stronger emotion than love and we can find all kinds of reasons for NOT forcing major changes in our lives. but you have tackled the bull by the horns and if nothing else you had the courage and inner strength to try something new and however it works out for you you should at least pat yourself on the back for the courage to try.