This, I find confusing...Some want to remain friends, some walk away with anger?

[SooSad33]

I am wondering what makes some people WANT to keep someone in their life still and some want NOTHING to do with the ex?

 

Could it be the reason that one wasn't that into the relationship, therefore it has no real 'impact' on them, so they say.. ' oh well, I'm moving on now BUT we can still be friends?'.

 

I could use some others opinions in this....

Have you ever done this? Ended something with someone but still tried to keep them in your Life? ( I think in this sense you, being the dumper)

 

Because, so often do I see people on here not wanting to lose that person but the other person has walked away and are 'avoiding' them now. Which to me, I feel, is because they ARE still heavily impacted and overwhelmed at the time.

 

I had an ex, of one year manage to move on way before I did... but we did end up talking about the BU and he DID want to keep me in his Life.. to be friends still, etc. I, of course, could not because I was still hurting a lot!

 

So.. am just totally confused with this.. on why some want to keep you around and some will walk away and want nothing to do with you. Do you think it's mostly to do with how much They actually invested into the relationship?

That they don't really have much 'emotionally' so it's not bothering them?

[kbbcoop77]

They've already checked out, processed the breakup and are emotionally detached so they have zero problem staying friends. It relieves their guilt for leaving and let's them tell everyone you're still friends so they don't look bad. It's all very selfish. Don't spend too much time wondering what the dumpers motives are for their behavior, if you're still in pain the road to recovery is to cut them off completely and heal yourself. Eventually you reach their mindset of indifference.

[annie24]

I think it depends - barring any circumstances in which exes have to stay in each other's lives (kids or a joint business), my preference is to walk away for good. For the most part, they aren't adding anything to my life anymore and having them around will either anger or annoy me depending on why we broke up. Plus, time spent not interacting with them is more time for me to find the right match. And for him to find the right match as well.

[Unsure82]

I disagree, I think it depends. They might be very attached to you and selfishly hope to keep you in their life to some extent. I've been there, on the dumper side. I loved him, I still deeply care for him years later. But I knew we would never work out and that I needed to end it. But I still wanted him as a friend. I tried to limit contact as much as possible especially at the beginning and make it very clear it was over. But when you've been so close to someone, it's not like you don't care out of nowhere.

[kbbcoop77]

I disagree, I think it depends. They might be very attached to you and selfishly hope to keep you in their life to some extent. I've been there, on the dumper side. I loved him, I still deeply care for him years later. But I knew we would never work out and that I needed to end it. But I still wanted him as a friend. I tried to limit contact as much as possible especially at the beginning and make it very clear it was over. But when you've been so close to someone, it's not like you don't care out of nowhere.

 

Sorry but if you dumped him it's extremely selfish to contact him at all because YOU want friendship. That's a demotion. Once you dump someone you have to live with the consequences too.

[Unsure82]

Uuuh yeah, that is why I used the word selfishly myself... ? And people don't always know exactly how they feel at the time either. It's not because you're the dumper that you are not human and don't doubt yourself, your feelings, etc. While instinctively you might know that it will never work out, it can break your heart too. And you can be weak too.

 

I'm still in contact with some exes and still friends with one I dated for years and used the live with. We went from NC to LC and still both care. He is in a happy serious LTR now. I give the credit to him, I would have understood if he had erased me from his life altogether. I was always clear though that we were done though and that helped. Never initiated contact for years.

 

I was very much invested. It took me a year to understand this was leading nowhere and I was unhappy. I had made huge efforts and talked to him. It wasnt working, I broke up, it was the most difficult thing I had ever done and thanks to him we are still friends.

 

One thing that shocks me is how most people want you to kick people out of your lives who mattered to you cause a relationship didnt work out...

[Tanzi]

Everyone is different, every relationship is different, every break up is different. There are many different factors as to why one dumper wants to hang on whilst another wants to move on completely. In fact a dumper might act differently from one relationship to another depending upon the connection they had with the person they were in a relationship with and how long they were together. There are no hard and fast rules.

[Tanzi]

One thing that shocks me is how most people want you to kick people out of your lives who mattered to you cause a relationship didnt work out...

 

I'm not sure what you mean by "most people want you to kick people out of your lives". Surely it's up to the individuals and nothing to do with anyone else?

[Unsure82]

I'm not sure what you mean by "most people want you to kick people out of your lives". Surely it's up to the individuals and nothing to do with anyone else?

 

I mean reading the forum posts, it seems that it's taboo to hope to preserve a friendship long term with someone you dated. I don't understand that.

[annie24]

I think it depends on the people involved. I know one woman who regularly goes on "double dates" with her boyfriend and her ex-husband and his new gf. I think cases like that are rare, but they seem to be good friends and get along better now than when they were married. I don't know if I could ever achieve that level of civility.

[Tanzi]

I mean reading the forum posts, it seems that it's taboo to hope to preserve a friendship long term with someone you dated. I don't understand that.

 

Usually when a situation has found its way onto eNA, it's not at a good point. It isn't that it's "taboo", it's just that in most situations it is the best thing to do because there is still too much emotion involved. If you are still emotionally attached to someone you really aren't helping yourself to move on emotionally if you hang on as friends. Chances are they will distance themselves from you when they meet someone else anyway. If, however, both parties have moved on significantly and they both want to remain friends then it's a different matter entirely. However that is rarely the case on here.