why do people want what they can't get?

[wanderer]

i'm just curious... why do people seem to be attracted to what someone they can't have? (either the person they're attracted to is out of their league or they wouldn't be interested in the other person) maybe it's just a thing for people my age, i dunno. i was just wondering what your thoughts on this are. thanks.

[MetallicAguy]

Because it's started by a desire they have and it eventually winds up into wanting something, because for example I want an iPod I don't have enough money for it. I want it because of music and other little purposes such as it looks good. We want what we can't have because the human tendency is to want more.

[goddess23]

you know i was thinking to start a thread of the exact same nature. i think its all psychological...we all love a chase. maybe thats why most high school relationships die because it gets "boring" because you "have" eachother. i mean right now with my ex, now that im not giving him the attention like before and acting like whatever, hes always around me and flirting. maybe its that simple. but do i relaly want someone like that. hmmm lol. but ya, its kind of sad, we always want someone who is unreachable, it is psychological because its a challange, and alot of times someone who is unreachable is someone of popularity (generally at our age) meaning it would change our status. that could be a reason as well. but still sometimes it has nothing to do with that its just about unrequitted love. maybe thtas the strongest one of all.

[annie24]

I dunno. I've sometimes thought about starting a thread like this myself. So many want the person who dumped them back. Lots of people want a person who is married or in a committed relationship. Maybe it's a self-esteem thing - they don't think they deserve someone who can love them back equally.

 

I read a lot of posts here about guys who are madly in love with some girl who barely knows their name. I wonder who those girls are madly in love with, and if that guy even knows her name.... and so on and so forth...

 

...just some thoughts....

[MetallicAguy]

Exactly what Goddess said.

[annie24]

yeah... thrill of the chase. Competition. It's why people play poker, invest in the stock market and go hunting. I read an analogy in a book, "Why men love B*****s

 

To summarize, it went like this: A man goes hunting with his buddies. They will camp and not shower for 5 days. They will eat gross food out of tin cans. Then, they will hunt a moose, and kill it, and eat it, and proudly display the head of the moose in the living room. But, if someone were to go out and kill that exact same moose, and drop it on the porch of the house, the man would want NOTHING to do with that moose! Why? In the first case, it required a lot of effort and he's very proud of his efforts. In the second case, it came too easily.

 

Or, when you really want something, but you don't have the money, so you save and save and get an extra job so you can buy that new car, iPod, whatever. You value it more because of all the hard work you put into it.

[mtastic]

I agree competition is part of it: we want things we can't hve becausechances are if we can't have them, cahnces are many people we around us can't get them either, and if we manage to get them, usually because of working hard, we can feel good about ourselves for being able to do something that those around us couldn't. I think jealousy also plays a part in it as well. Maybe not extreme jealousy, but take the ipods for example: Like Metallicaguy, I can't afford one either and i know i don't really need one (my discman can play cds encoded in mp3 format, thus acting like an ipod), but i do get a little jealous seeing virtually everyone on campus walking around with tose nifty looking little ipods, like i'm somehow left out. I guess fitting in is part of it as well, that pesky need to be accepted that tends to motivater alot of what we want for ourselves.

 

Just my thoughts,

mtastic

[hazlcha]

All this is true, but there's also a different type of person who looks for someone perceived to be out of their reach: The person who secretly WANTS to be rejected. They may not even realize it. It's kind of safe to know you won't get in to a relationship with someone "on your level." Aim for someone way "above" you, and it's like playing the lottery. If you win, you hit it big. If you don't, you at least have an excuse to not think about someone else, someone real, because you are infatuated with miss/mr inaccessible.

 

Also, some people are more in love with themselves than with others.They are not looking for a two way relationship, they are looking for a trophy.

 

But I'd add that very often, people don't really know just what their "league" is. They may have low self-esteem and give up on a relationship that could really be special.

[al7]

How true! Example: I got tired of not having any luck with online dating,

and switched into wanting somebody I can't be with: who is very attractive and older than me....and it seems a perfect excuse to not think about someone else, someone real....

 

Very good observation. Are you a shrink?

[Caldus]

I think it has to do with the fact that if we were to have them, then we would feel like we've accomplished something great in life. We would be content knowing that we have the best possible person we could have in our eyes. Otherwise, we would feel like we are settling for something less and won't get the full satisfaction that we crave for. Humans are all about getting everything that they want. If they don't get everything then they will keep trying until they do.

[Mun]

...because maybe they want to have hope. If there is something left that we can't attain so easily we will have something to live for tomorrow. Imagine if we could have everything just by wanting it.. life would have no meaning...it would get old pretty quick. That's the big picture..

 

now the little picture.. I think it has to do with knowing that we spent countless hours worrying/fantasizing about a particular person that we perceive as being out of our reach. That after persuing them for a specific time they finally gave us the time of day and then miraculously they fell in love with us. That person... the one we only saw with us in our dreams. So we want what we can't have because it creates a deep desire. It creates a sense of purpose... and when we finally have it we feel like we are on top of the world.

 

...and because it took so much work to achieve we won't throw it away so easily. Something you can get everyday just doesn't have the same value.

[Emotional]

i think its because everyone tells u to set high standards for urself..wether its a job , college, The man of ur dreams...The house u live in...

 

Its all "of the world"....Its setting life goals...u dont want to be with "someone who isnt in ur league" we are picky people..everyone has their own "Likes and dislikes"...

 

Liking someone in a high "grade level" or " dead sexc"....

 

and u get a crush on the person who has pretty much accomplished in someway ...wether its Confidence or Having a high iq...To u know getting the ladys..getting the fellas...I dont know

 

its a question that is very opinionated..but its a lot to do with self awareness

[Jimbo10]

I was thinking like goddess too. I got out of the shower the other day and wanted to konw why I'm always attracted to girls I can't have!!

 

double you tee f?

[wanderer]

i guess the general concensus here is correct. i think the comment about "wanting" rejection was particularly apt, that explains this one girl i liked...

 

i guess we're sort of the opposite of predators in nature: lions will seek out the most weak and sickly gazelle in the pack, because it's easy prey and the lions are just trying to get their fill for the day. whereas humans, who aren't concerned with "survival" (aka the relationship "bare minimium"), would naturally want the leanest and best in the pack, whether or not they can actually get it.

[hazlcha]

Hey.

 

No, I'm not a shrink, but I am totally fascinated by psychology. I love it, because it's helping me to figure myself out! That's really hard work, because I (like just about everyone else in the world, I bet) think I'm crazy.

 

As Groucho Marx once said, "I'd never want to be a member of a club that would have me as a member."

 

I've definitely been there, and may still be there. Only difference this time is that if I set my sights on someone "out of reach," I force myself to think about what if it works. If I get a date with a movie star, would I really want to be in a relationship with her? What if she wasn't a movie star?

 

Sometimes thinking about a real life day to day situation, where the excitement of having attracted a "trophy" has worn off, can ground a person. To say, "even though she's a movie star, I might prefer the girl next door because I like her so much" is a true accomplishment.

[al7]

 

Sometimes thinking about a real life day to day situation, where the excitement of having attracted a "trophy" has worn off, can ground a person. To say, "even though she's a movie star, I might prefer the girl next door because I like her so much" is a true accomplishment.

 

I still believe what you have said before is true. If we narrow down the topic to dating only (not iPod and stuff) we'll see exactly that:

why would I be attrcated to sombody who is married and older than me?

And not to a girl next door who is cute too? It doesnt make sense kinda.

But it really does: if I'll let myself be attracted to a girl next door,

I'would have to face a challenge of taking action and possible rejection.

Who wants that.. better just to fantasize about sombody who we'll never reach...

 

So the answer is: cuz we are afraid of a challenge, afraid, unwilling to take action and fear rejection.