Never will heal

[adviceplease2]

I feel no hope that I will actually heal from what's going on in my life. I've posted it here and my emotional struggles with handling it all. I'd love nothing more than to reconcile and raise the baby together, but I know the odds of that are slim to none. I don't know why this has happened, don't know how to deal with it, don't know what to do different at this point. I was finally happy in a relationship with a woman I thought I was lucky to find, she was supposedly happy, when she got pregnant things just went down the tank within a matter of weeks.

 

I've been so confused as to why she has distanced herself, why she basically has decided she'll do it all alone.....I just don't get it. We had talked about it, we were excited, we held off on telling my kids for a while, she was sick and sleeping, thyroid issues, medication etc....I had a difficult time spending time with her because of that and because I had full custody of my kids at that point their mother only supervised visitation, it was holiday season...was a perfect storm. Her personality changed so quickly, I finally just told her when she felt better let me know because she'd made it obvious that my trying to spend time with her was causing her anxiety.

 

I know when the baby gets here I have rights at that point. I know its going to be difficult emotionally, I'll see her, I'll see the baby, her little girl will run up and hug me, probably spend the whole time with me like she did at the last ultrasound. I expect her to still be cold to me, talk to me like a sperm donor basically. I'll love the baby, be a father to her as best I can be...its just I wish I could do it together with her mother.

 

This whole situation has caused me to sink into a hole I'm not sure I can climb out of. I put on a good face most of the time, but at night when the kids are in bed and I'm finally alone, my mind floods with thoughts of the future, thoughts of where things fell apart, thoughts of how to make myself stronger for my kids sake, how my boys are really never going to see their dad love a woman again, how that will play in their future relationships when they get older....while that's all running through my head I still think about how I'd finally found happiness that I wanted to hold onto and then it was gone.

 

I feel like I'm in purgatory so to speak. Just need some hope for a peaceful, happy future and I have none right now. Want to do so well for my kids, tired of feeling like I'm just a failure to them, failure to my new little girl that's coming, failure to my new baby girls mother because I didn't do whatever it was that I didn't do....just wish things were different.

 

Sorry, don't really have anywhere to talk about how I feel but here.

[justjen]

Hi

 

Pregnancy hormones may make her feel tired and emotional, and if being pregnant is giving her sleep problems, that can make it harder to cope. Maybe she is struggling with the pregnancy and her other health issues and this has caused her to feel depressed. It may get better when the baby is born. My mother was depressed when she was expecting my sister, my dad said he thought they may have split up as it was so bad, but once my sister was born and the hormones subsided she reverted to her former self and they had 40 more happy years together.

 

Can you ask someone at her next antenatal appointment if there is anything that could be causing this and what could help rememdy it?

 

Feel for you on this.

[SooSad33]

Am very sorry to hear of your loss of this relationship... I understand they DO hurt!

 

But, first of all.. do not start it all by worrying so much about your boys and the future of your daughter.

 

I have gone thru 2 large break ups over my years and my boys have turned out for the most part okay.... dispite the family break up.. Because they continued to see love from both parents and mom never left them!

 

 

Right now you are feeling VERY low with everything. Life sucks.. and you feel awful. I know... same here.

Sadly, for some of us, life keeps throwing us through loops and is so not fair!

My emotions are messed up yet again from a recent BU... so another loss. And LOSS is never easy!

 

I believe.. in time, yes we do heal. But it takes it's time in doing so.

We need time to work on 'accepting' and healing from this rough experience.

 

Sometimes it takes almost a year.. other times more than a year.. or two. We're all different.

You need to take this all one day at a time. If you need to 'vent' then do that. Write it out.. cry it out.. excercise..etc.

You might want to consider some therapy to help you thru this? I needed that, plus something for my anxiety.

[adviceplease2]

justjen....her first trimester was very hard. We're both mid to late 30's and this is her first pregnancy. The little girl she raises isn't her biologically. She's been on antidepressants for a few years and takes thyroid medication. We'd planned on spending some time together right before Christmas, but when the time came, that was when she let me know the thought was giving her anxiety and keeping her up at night. I'd even arranged for child care and asked her if I could take her out, just the two of us....didn't get any reception to that idea. So I just told her to let me know when she felt better and I'd take her somewhere. First ultrasound we were still a couple, second ultrasound we'd been broken up for over a month. I offered to take her shopping, offered to get her car worked on, talked to her about a registry, about car seats etc. Even walked her to her car after the appointment. She called me on my birthday a few days later unexpectedly, I tried to talk to her some but she made a point to get off the phone quickly.

 

I'd honestly love nothing more than for this to turn out like your parents did. She stole my heart, still has it. Funny, she said I'd stolen her heart before all this started.

 

soosad33....I try not to worry about my kids and how they perceive things, but its been hard. Their mother, well, lets just say I'd love for her to be a normal mother, for her to have normal visitation, heck, I'd even help her out some if I didn't think she was lying all the time. Just want them to see a normal relationship, feel like I've failed there twice now. Wish they had that anchor when they get in their own relationships where they could look back and say, hey, this is how dad did it....now they'll just say, this is how dad it so I'll do it this way....lol, but not funny either. I try to be a good father, stress lately has made me short with them....just need some hope that things will change for the better, I'm tired of feeling like I'm living life in quicksand.

[No1]

You brought up the word failure and to me that was makes me think.... Sounds to me that this situation brought up some other situation from your past. You never put the past behind you and tried to make up for it with this girl. Maybe you tried to hit the reset button with this girl, tried to make a wrong a right or try so hard to correct something.

You didnt mention what happened to the mother of your other two kids but if you are doing okay with your boys, you are going to do just fine in the future.

So... as I see it, there is stuff from your past that you still have infront of you and this situation brought everything back up. If you get a chance, go see a professional who can help you sort things out.

[adviceplease2]

no1....I'd say you're partly right I guess. This woman and I hit it off really well, both fell pretty hard for each other. Once I realized I'd fallen for her I really started thinking I'd like to not make the same mistakes again, so I tried to take lessons learned from a failed 10+ year marriage. It wasn't really trying to right a wrong, it was, at least the way I saw it...a fresh start for me. The failure feeling comes in because I can be very hard on myself, I accept blame in situations where I have no blame at all because...well, I don't know why. I've had friends tell me I do it, I do my best not to.

[No1]

Have you ever sought counseling? I dont think its the break up itself that has you down, break ups do hurt, but this break up made you dig up feelings. Like here we go again and I have to stop it.

A counseler can really help you see thru the fog. Just go for a few sessions.. youll feel much much much better

[adviceplease2]

I have seriously started to think about a counselor, I'm not getting better emotionally or mentally. I've never been one to go that route, but it might be time.

[Ms Darcy]

Have you ever sought counseling? I dont think its the break up itself that has you down, break ups do hurt, but this break up made you dig up feelings. Like here we go again and I have to stop it.

A counseler can really help you see thru the fog. Just go for a few sessions.. youll feel much much much better

 

I completely agree. When a sprained ankle (break up) is followed up by a heart attack (you're current emotional state), it means there are probably other underlying issues you need to deal with (like high blood pressure, heart disease, etc etc). A therapist can be of some help to you.