What is going on?

[MsMe]

Hi everyone !

 

I'm a long time lurker here and just registered today. I need some advice/guidance. There's a guy at work that I'm friendly with. We've been talking quite actively over the past five months. He's really cool and I consider him a friend. I'm married - he's not, but still we have a lot in common. The problem comes is that when I mention my husband in conversation, he shuts down and says "oh". When my husband came to visit me at work, I asked my coworker friend if he wanted to meet him. His response was something to the effect "I don't want him to see me like this"- I work in a professional enviornment. When I told him my husband started a new job, he never asked how he likes it or anything. It's almost like he doesn't exist. I want us all to be friendly and do things together and I don't understand why someone I'm friendly with would completely "cut off" my spouse. He's the only one at work who does this. Everyone else views us as a couple. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks in advance

[MetallicAguy]

Seems like he has a crush on you and probably is building up the courage to flirt with you and try to get you to cheat with him. Definitely not a good road to go down (As you probably know). And if he shuts down like that and says "Oh" then he probably does have feelings for you, he might be depressed over that your married, and might be jealous of your husband.

[Kyoshiro Ogari]

It does sound like he likes you a lot. I'm a bit different, there was a girl who I had a major crush on and she had a steady boyfriend who she eventually married. I always asked her how he was doing, even though I really didn't care. I did that just to hide the fact that I really liked her and I didn't want her to be suspicious about my feelings for her (she didn't know.) Anyway, when she would talk about him I would put up a front like I really cared, but inside I acted like your friend does, wanting to change the subject and really forget that she even had a boyfriend. That's why I believe he does like you more as a friend.

[sisterlynch]

I think that you should ask him about it out of the blue. Make the conversation steer toward dating and marriage in general, then ask him if he plans on getting married in the future.

 

He may have some past history with a married woman -- that he is worried about reliving.

 

Otherwise, I wouldnt assume too much from his actions or lack of actions in meeting your spouse.

[DN]

Seems like he has a crush on you and probably is building up the courage to flirt with you and try to get you to cheat with him. Definitely not a good road to go down (As you probably know). And if he shuts down like that and says "Oh" then he probably does have feelings for you, he might be depressed over that your married, and might be jealous of your husband.

 

I agree with MetallicAguy. It would probably be wise to move this frendship to a slightly more distant relationship. You may be inadvertently giving him the idea that you may be returning feelings he has for you. By being a little more distant you can tactfully let him know that you don't without wounded feelings.

[peanut15]

I agree with the others as it sounds like he has a crush on you. Next time he seems to disregard your husband during a conversation, you may want to ask him bluntly what he has against him.

[MsMe]

I think that you should ask him about it out of the blue. Make the conversation steer toward dating and marriage in general, then ask him if he plans on getting married in the future.

 

He may have some past history with a married woman -- that he is worried about reliving.

 

Otherwise, I wouldnt assume too much from his actions or lack of actions in meeting your spouse.

 

Last week was my co-workers's birthday and I went to wish him a happy birthday. We then spoke for about a half hour or so. The conversation did briefly touch upon marriage. He asked, "you're married, right?" But he already knew that. He said that he wants to get married one day, but did not mention a girlfriend or serious relationship.

 

The two guys did meet when hubby came to take me to lunch. He was cordial and polite to hubby, but seemed tense. We still talk at work, but even after meeting hubby, he won't ask for him or talk about him if he's brought up in conversation.

[DN]

Maybe a half hour conversation at work is too much for him to not think you have more than friendship on your mind.

 

It could also annoy your employers if it is on company time

[MsMe]

Maybe a half hour conversation at work is too much for him to not think you have more than friendship on your mind.

 

It could also annoy your employers if it is on company time

 

It's not the first time we've had a lengthy conversation. However, I never thought of it that way at all.

 

I'm fortunate in that I work in a relaxed enviornment. As long as the conversations are not a daily occurrence and the work is completed, it won't be an issue.

[Wraith]

I want us all to be friendly and do things together and I don't understand why someone I'm friendly with would completely "cut off" my spouse.

 

Dear, dear, dear... never going to happen - if he likes you but you've told him you're married this means he'll likely act polite but will harbour resentment towards your spouse.

 

I think you're expecting too much from him.

 

The two guys did meet when hubby came to take me to lunch. He was cordial and polite to hubby, but seemed tense. We still talk at work, but even after meeting hubby, he won't ask for him or talk about him if he's brought up in conversation.

 

Don't treat this guy like he's another female friend - if he did like you of course he's not going to speak much about your partner!

 

Recognise the 'friction', applaud the guy in question for remaining polite, don't expect anything more of him.

[MsMe]

Thanks so much for all your replies. Here is an update:

 

My co-worker and I still talk, but not as often. When he does see my husband when we meet for lunch, my husband attempts to greet him, but my co-worker turns away.

 

When I told my worker friend I was going to a party over the weekend, he wanted to know if I was going with my husband (I don't know how that makes a difference). I told him "yes" and he pretty much avoided the topic of him. It's getting difficult speaking with someone and deliberately avoiding speaking of your spouse. Sometimes I can't help but take it personally that I have done something wrong. Well, that's the update. Thanks for reading.

[sisterlynch]

His behavior is inappropriate. He is just a friend, so I don't see why he needs to act like that. I find it disrespectful.

 

It seems like he is trying to control you.

[ocean9]

okay...be honest...what do YOU want from this guy???

 

It seems to me that you are really focused on him...you are paying a lot of attention to him. Why? Why are you giving him so much energy...and why are you posting about him here?

 

Is it possible that you are attracted to him?

[MsMe]

okay...be honest...what do YOU want from this guy???

 

It seems to me that you are really focused on him...you are paying a lot of attention to him. Why? Why are you giving him so much energy...and why are you posting about him here?

 

Is it possible that you are attracted to him?

 

What I really want(ed) was to include him in our social circle. I've never been in a situation where someone I was friendly with "cut off" or did not acknowledge my spouse. I came here to get feedback from the forum and I appreciate all responses.

 

I should have clarified in my posts that I am not nor have I ever been attracted to him.

[sisterlynch]

He is in charge of his feelings. He shouldn't be making you feel guilty for being married. Maybe let him know that you value his imput, but that you will not allow friends to come between the relationship with your spouse.