8 months and still not okay

[american dream]

hey all,

well, on the 4th of july 2004 i went through an extremely bad breakup. i had been with my ex for about three and a half years and we had lived together for about 2 years of that time.

 

the synopsis is basically, some other dude at her work was hitting on her a lot (emails, text, lunches, calling, IM's, everything) and i told her i didnt like it. she started seeing him behind my back and eventually, after some really odd behavior, she left me with a dear john letter and i had to have movers come get my stuff out of our condo.

 

it is now almost march, and i am still not over how everything went down. i have an EXTREMELY negative opinion of women now (reinforced by seeing 2 of my best friends go through basically the same situations with similar results). i don't want to think poorly of women because of what this one psycho did to me, but i can't get over it. i think about her everyday. in a lot of ways too. i am very very angry at her. i am bettering myself in body and in my career, for what seems like no other reason than i hope to run into her someday and rub it in her face. i know that is kind of sick, but i don't care.

 

on, get this... CHRISTMAS, i go to my moms house, and the ex lives about a quarter mile away. i avoid going to my moms house just because of this reason. i had not seen her since mid-august when i found out she was cheating. i was driving down the street, and oh my god! she was at the intersection waiting to turn left (onto the street i was going straight on). it is a 25 mph street so i had to go by her kind of slow and i know she saw me. she was alone in her car. i freaked. huge panic attack. i was waiting for her to pull up beside me (she would have had to, there were no real turn offs, except other residential areas which she would have no reason to go into). but she never pulls up next to me. odd. i got my wits about me and decided hey, i will be the bigger person and call her and wish her a good christmas and that way i will come out on top. i ring her, and she doesnt pick up. jerk. so it goes to her voicemail and i leave her a quick message, maybe 10 seconds long. SHE NEVER EVEN CALLS ME BACK. i mean, how rude! i was with her for 3.5 years. i did everything for her. and she doesnt even have the decency to call me back??? one of my buddies said i probably made her feel about 2 inches tall, but i dont think so. i know her very well, and i think she is bitter at me. i don't know why i care, but i do.

 

and i am still hung up on what happened on christmas. am i that easy to let go of? am i so easily dismissed? i just dont understand. how could anyone be so calous? and why do i still think about her every day? somedays it isn't a lot, but other days i dwell on it all day long. i don't want her to ever be a part of my life again as she did some truly atrocious things to me, so why do i even care? how can i let this hate go?

 

thanks for any replys...

[MetallicAguy]

Well, (don't want to piss you off you already are from what I can tell) but I think you caused this on yourself.

I did everything for her.

You can't do everything for women, just stating but this drives them away. That's why she was cheating because "you did everything for her" it bored her with the relationship and she went "Well, Screw this" and cheated on you. You shouldn't be mad at women, especially don't be mad at her you could hurt some girl in the future who turns out to be good to you from this. So just be pissed off at the guy she's currently dating. Oh yeah and I have to agree that you did the right thing to call her and she didn't pick up. I read that and thought to myself "What a *****!". Just my advice, avoid those high-maintenance women at all costs next time you get into a relationship. Dont worry, God will get her back

[eva1218]

I totally understand how you feel. I broke up with my ex-bf on Sep04.

And I am still cannot get over him at all. In fact, I'm still calling him. And it was a long story, too long. It still breaks my heart even now.

But, I do feel a lot better compared to those months, at least get my life back on track...and stop crying my eyes off...

 

Time does heal, but don't know how long it takes......

 

And we all know how short is life, but still can't get over them after all these times.

[arwen]

Hey american dream,

 

That IS a very bad break up. I can't imagine how you must have felt. I understand why what happened during xmas still bothers you. I think her not calling you back is really a sign of weakness on her behalf. She just doesn't have the guts to face you and see what you did. By calling her, you definitely where the bigger person.

 

I think there is nothing wrong with doing everything for someone. I think when you are in a relationship where there is mutual respect, love and trust, and the love is so deep, you will both do anything for each other. In my opinion it's not that you drove her away by being too kind/sweet. I think you were at most too sweet for her.

 

I had that with my ex, I did a lot for him, and loved him. But we didn't have an equal relationship. He was 'above' me, and would make me feel like I mattered less than him. That was the deepest and most important reason it didn't work. We broke up because of the things that were CAUSED by this inequality. Not cheating in my case, but me just feeling myself slip down the slippery slope of depression and low self-esteem. It was not helping that he only made that feeling stronger.

 

It is not your fault that she cheated on you. She didn't deserve and return your love. I hope you won't grow bitter from this. I am a very giving person, and I finally managed to find a very giving boyfriend. In the end you are looking for the person that just makes you feel like you can be you and not a better version of you.

 

hope this helps,

 

Ilse.

[CarterJonas]

Hey man, she isn't worth bothering with anymore since she isn't the same person you were with for all those years. My ex is the same.

 

It will take time to get truly over somebody but I assume that you must be doing a lot better now than you were in the summer of last year? Take it easy since it will get better and don't avoid going to see your mother because of her.

[DN]

Hey american dream,

 

I think there is nothing wrong with doing everything for someone. I think when you are in a relationship where there is mutual respect, love and trust, and the love is so deep, you will both do anything for each other. In my opinion it's not that you drove her away by being too kind/sweet. I think you were at most too sweet for her.

 

It is not your fault that she cheated on you. She didn't deserve and return your love. I hope you won't grow bitter from this. I am a very giving person, and I finally managed to find a very giving boyfriend. In the end you are looking for the person that just makes you feel like you can be you and not a better version of you.

 

hope this helps,

 

Ilse.

 

I agree with Ilse. And don't let it put you off women. Many relationships break up and it is just as often his fault as it is hers. We are all individuals with our own traits and personalities. There are as many loyal, loving and kind women as there are guys with those qualities. The difficulty is recognising who is like that and who is not early in the relationship. So when red flags pop up, don't ignore them, address them and if they can't be sorted out then move on.

 

The chances are those red flags were there much earlier and you either didn't see them or chose to ignore them. Learn from that, but don't get bent out of shape by it.

[JonnyG]

Well, (don't want to piss you off you already are from what I can tell) but I think you caused this on yourself.

I did everything for her.

You can't do everything for women, just stating but this drives them away. That's why she was cheating because "you did everything for her" it bored her with the relationship and she went "Well, Screw this" and cheated on you. You shouldn't be mad at women, especially don't be mad at her you could hurt some girl in the future who turns out to be good to you from this. So just be pissed off at the guy she's currently dating. Oh yeah and I have to agree that you did the right thing to call her and she didn't pick up. I read that and thought to myself "What a *****!". Just my advice, avoid those high-maintenance women at all costs next time you get into a relationship. Dont worry, God will get her back

 

I think there is a misconception of what people mean when they say "I did everything for her". The poster probably didn't do literally "everything" for her, but did everything for her that a loving person should do. Unfortunately we live in a silly world where some people like being treated well at first and then get bored of it. As far as im concerned I like a girl to treat me with respect and do things for me. I don't want her to do literally "EVERYTHING" for me, but if she treated me like crap like some of those guys do to their girls I wouldn't stand for it. Can't see the fun in being treated mean. I don't know why some girls do (emphasizing the "some" part, not putting all girls into this category).

 

Its funny, u see girls leaving guys for being too nice, but not often guys leaving girls for being too nice Or maybe im making this up?

 

I think its amusing on these forums, the fact that many girls complain about how their bf treats them badly, but they still "love" them. And many guys complain about how they are the "nice guy" but still have no gf or a gf leaves them despite treating them well. Something doesn't seem right

 

To the poster directly, sorry about the loss. Took me ages to get over an ex even when i didn't go out with them that long. I can imagine u must be real . Try to keep yourself occupied with other things and better yourself. I think many people (including myself) have the thought of bettering ourselves and hoping almost to bump into an ex to rub it in their face. Its just natural after been hurt so badly by someone. Im sure u feel better now than u did? Time is a healer.

[Kaia]

Its funny, u see girls leaving guys for being too nice, but not often guys leaving girls for being too nice Or maybe im making this up?

It really depends on the definition of "too nice". I remember reading a thread about "nice guys finish last" and people pointed out that it's usually not because the guys are "too nice", it's because they don't have self confidence, etc.

 

So putting it in this context, u say girls leave guys for "being too nice" might not be because they treat them too well. It could be because they smother them too much. My ex used to love me to bits but I still felt trapped. He centered his whole life around me but I wanted to live my own life, and not have him living off on mine.

 

 

I agree that time is a healer. American dream, everyone heal at different rates, i hope you can find peace in the situation soon.

[DN]

[

 

So putting it in this context, u say girls leave guys for "being too nice" might not be because they treat them too well. It could be because they smother them too much. My ex used to love me to bits but I still felt trapped. He centered his whole life around me but I wanted to live my own life, and not have him living off on mine..

 

exactly - and then you lose respect for him and it is hard to stay with someone you don't rspect

[hurtin]

and i am still hung up on what happened on christmas. am i that easy to let go of? am i so easily dismissed? i just dont understand. how could anyone be so calous? and why do i still think about her every day? somedays it isn't a lot, but other days i dwell on it all day long. i don't want her to ever be a part of my life again as she did some truly atrocious things to me, so why do i even care? how can i let this hate go?

 

Man, if only you knew how similiar our situations were. I was actually going to post my own message about what happened today, but found it fitting to add to this one.

 

I ran into my ex and her family today. First time since when she left me in June. We bumped into each other in the street. Her father shook my hand and briefly said hello while my ex and her mother walked right passed me without even looking in my direction. I was pretty devastated. Its almost as though I was the one who had done something wrong! Either my ex said some nasty things about me to her parents, or she simply decided to ignore me all together while mom followed suit. Either way, I spent the entire afternoon asking myself how I deserved to be treated this way. I've never once bad-mouthed, emailed or called my ex since the breakup. She asked for space, she got it. So why am I so upset? Why can't I let go of someone who clearly doesn't want me in their life?

 

I 've learned to accept these questions as part of the healing process. I was always asking myself when I was going to get over this and why does it still hurt so much. Sounds like you and I both loved our ex's for a very long time. This makes it hard for us to accept that they could be so quick and efficient in getting rid of us. But I think it is important to examine how your ex treated you when she left. It seems like you ex spent more time and energy focusing on what she wanted, without any consideration of how you felt. This is EXACTLY what my ex did to me. Egocentric people only look out for number one. This behaviour probably wasn't apparent when you two were together, but like I say "Only through breakups do you get to see the true side of someone shine".

 

Never, ever blame yourself. Your ex made this bed, let her sleep in it. It's hard, TRUST ME, I KNOW, but its the only way to get through this. And besides, life has a wicked way of getting even....she'll get her doseage eventually. And by the time she realizes that she was a moron for doing what she did, you'll be long gone...enjoying a relationship with someone fantastic.

[american dream]

thanks for all the replies. it matters a lot to me that some people care.

 

bless up

[JonnyG]

Its funny, u see girls leaving guys for being too nice, but not often guys leaving girls for being too nice Or maybe im making this up?

It really depends on the definition of "too nice". I remember reading a thread about "nice guys finish last" and people pointed out that it's usually not because the guys are "too nice", it's because they don't have self confidence, etc.

 

So putting it in this context, u say girls leave guys for "being too nice" might not be because they treat them too well. It could be because they smother them too much. My ex used to love me to bits but I still felt trapped. He centered his whole life around me but I wanted to live my own life, and not have him living off on mine.

 

 

I agree that time is a healer. American dream, everyone heal at different rates, i hope you can find peace in the situation soon.

 

But why not so much the other way around? Where are all the females with their stories about how they were great to their bf only for them to be dumped for being "a nice girl"? Why arent more men saying "My gf treats me too nicely, im going to find someone who treats me a little more mean keeping me keen"? Are we less fussy when it comes to choosing women than women are chosing men? Personally, im a fussy man

 

And if women hate a guy caring for them too much, why is it a well known fact that the woman are half the time waiting longer than they would like for the guy to put the ring on her finger? i.e. MORE commitment, MORE smoothering. So women seem to want a guy who doesnt smoother her, but then when he doesnt get the ring out in time, she complains to her friends about how long the guy is taking to show more commitment.

 

Maybe its due to soceity. Men are meant to go up to the girl first. Arrange the first date. Initate the first kiss, the first sex. There meant to hold the door open, get the chair for the lady to sit on. Pay for the meal, pay for most things. Give woman more hugs and kisses (surveys show women want more kisses from guys, especiallly while having sex), etc etc. and when someone does this the "nice guy" situation happens.

 

Im not personally having a go at u here, just thought i'd keep the thread going.