Girlfriend of 4.5 years dumped me for another guy.

[BrokenBlvd]

Hello everyone,

 

I have to first say that I have been spending an inordinate amount of time on these forums, and it has helped me like nothing else to understand the breakup with my (now ex) girlfriend of 4.5 years. It's a long story, and I'm not necessarily looking for advice. I think I'm handling it right, but I'll narrate it nevertheless, so that you can tell me if I'm handling it better. Oh, and special thanks to eNotAlone's super-gurus like Zorba, love4life, SuperDave, etc. -- you guys are plain genius! I don't know who you are, but I owe you a lot.

 

So, story goes like this.

 

She (now 22) is my first serious girlfriend and I'm (now 23) her first serious boyfriend. We got together in her first year of college. We got along well, didn't have many common interests but worked all that out. We were sexually close for the first 3 or so years. I was going through a professional burnout in 2013, and that coupled with the LDR situation we were in at the time put a wedge between us -- sexually and emotionally. I got close to a mutual friend of ours who ended up supporting me more than my ex through my burnout. I naturally developed a crush on this girl, and one day, emotions took the better part of me and I kissed her (on the cheek, but in an amorous way). The girl then went and told this to my ex (despite me requesting her that I should be the one to break this to my girl), and my ex basically went nuts. I could understand the sense of betrayal she was facing, so I told her she was free to walk away and that I was sorry for not keeping my emotions in check, and more so for not telling her upfront about them. I then took a week off to reevaluate the relationship and I found that I genuinely loved my ex -- it might sound like a short span, but I'm someone you can call fairly emotionally mature despite what my actions at the time suggested.

 

We met up after a couple of weeks of very LC and we decided that we wanted to work on this. Since then, I invested my heart and soul into fixing the trust factor while I was met with the regular 'push and pull' from her end for almost 15 months. In August 2015, she told that she was ready to get into a relationship again. Throughout the 15 motnhs, I was the only source of her emotional support - just like the years that preceded it. I thought it was all resolved, when bam! she told me that she had a minor crush on a colleague who was constantly hitting on her (despite knowing about us) and assured me that she was going to get over him. I told her I understood why the crush was happening and told her I would also help her fix it; because we were still in an LDR at this point.

 

So I moved to this city. The day I moved, she told me that she can't do it anymore and that she wanted to be 'single' for a while. I said okay, and told her I'm open to reconciliation if she ever changed her mind. We were still talking normally, and a couple of weeks later, she told me that she and the guy spoke about their crush for each other; I basically freaked out at this point and started begging, pleading, convincing, etc. to get her back at all costs. This went on for four weeks or so, and I got sick of myself for letting someone else control my life and my emotions.

 

I then asked her where exactly she placed me, and she told me that she loved me but not as a boyfriend. I said that was too bad because I loved her as my girlfriend and nothing less. Her offer was to stay "best friends" -- basically be her emotional crutch while she gets the cuddling and kissing elsewhere. This deal didn't sound fair to me. So I told her I was going to bow out of her life, and that she was free to do whatever she wanted. I told her that if she ever wanted to talk about a reconciliation, I was 'open to discussions' but the longer she took the lower the probability of that happening. And I went NC. This was February 20th.

 

I guess she started dating this guy shortly before/after -- 6 weeks after breaking up with me.

 

She then went all passive-aggressive -- liking my posts on Facebook, reading my blogs sincerely, liking all my photos on Instagram, sending me random links, etc. I didn't block her because it'd appear petulant, but I didn't respond to any of the messages either. Last week she sent me a text saying "Are you never going to speak to me again?" to which I responded "I never said that. I need time to heal and move on, and besides it's too hard for me to see you be with someone else." She said she understood but she asked me if she could "keep in touch". I smirked and said "Not at this point, but I don't know what the future holds. Let's see"

 

She also said she missed me every morning and she missed sharing every little detail of her life with me. She missed our emotional connect. And then I asked her why she was with someone else then. Her reply was "Lust." I felt sorta disgusted that someone would throw away an overall great relationship (despite the occasional quirks) for some novel sense of lust.

 

I told her I needed to go and ended conversation. Have been in NC since -- been a week. She sent me some random email and some random link, since.

 

Some personal observations:

1. I think she got bored of me and wanted to try something new. This colleague represented novelty, and she wanted it.

2. She has never dealt with any issue -- her way of operating is to bury things and hope they never come up again. That's the way she's planning on getting past this relationship as well.

3. She is generally a very nice person, despite the immaturity, and in the past three weeks, I have come to realize that I still do love her despite her hurting me really badly.

4. That doesn't change the fact that I'm going to go full NC unless she pings me about a possible reconciliation which I have conveyed to her.

5. And if she ever wants to talk to me in any capacity, this guy should not be there in her life -- I don't know if its childish, but I'm unable to stomach it.

 

They have already started progressing physically very fast. I don't know if they have had sex yet, but I heard from another one of my close female friends that she kept asking her for sexual advice and birth control pills. So I'm assuming they will be, soon -- because each of us were the first and pretty much only sexual partners, this is stinging me a bit. But I understand that she's with him now, and it's natural they do it -- but the heart feels what it feels.

 

I hope I'm handling this right, right now. Please let me know if I can improve in anyway.

 

Thanks and sorry for the occasional incoherence in my story. I'm not thinking too straight.

[BlarneyStone]

These are the types of experiences that make us grow as individuals. Walk away with your chin up and don't look back. Stay no contact. Don't ask for details from mutual friends.

 

At this point time just needs to go by. That's all it'll take.

[surfdiva]

I agree with the above. First, I'm really sorry this happened, I'm sure it's extremely painful. For your own sanity you need to go no contact and block her from social media. If she finds a way to slip in and contact you somehow, don't reply...just delete and move forward.

 

Most of us on this site have been through it and know how difficult it is to get "over" someone you felt so deeply about but there is hope and there is happiness, you just need some time to get there.

 

Good luck!

[BrokenBlvd]

Thanks, guys. Yes, I'm strong on NC. Reevaluating the relationship objectively -- looking at the good and the bad. And just moving on, day by day.

[MasterPo]

These are the types of experiences that make us grow as individuals. Walk away with your chin up and don't look back. Stay no contact. Don't ask for details from mutual friends.

 

At this point time just needs to go by. That's all it'll take.

 

Yeah, hit it pretty good. Life is gonna be pretty tough for awhile but work on you, push yourself into new experiences and you may get through faster than most. Good luck.

[theanongirl89]

Oh god. Now that I read your story, you don't even know HOW MUCH I do understand you. Every single word. You already read my story. It's too much for the both of us. Despite what they've done to us, we still love them. My ex said the same words: loves me but not as a girlfriend anymore, wants to be friends, blablabla. How are you doing right now? Have you contacted her ever since?

[BrokenBlvd]

TheSwanGirl,

 

Yes, even after the initial reaction to the breakup subsided, I realized I loved her deeply. However, that is not to say the relationship was complete or without faults -- but mostly they seem to stem from her lack of commitment, and overall her lack of understanding of what love and attachment truly mean. I mean, yes, it's obvious from the fact that she left me for 'lust' she had on someone else.

 

I'm doing better each day. I like to think of myself as an extremely rational person, and I don't like to brood on things. I have been doing the usual -- NC, hitting the gym (for the first time in life), spending time with family and friends, etc.

 

I have NOT contacted her, but she has been consistently texting me (at least twice a week) but I mostly don't respond unless there is a specific question directed at me. Even then, I respond to the point and leave it at that -- no responses more than four words (again, mostly out of politeness). She is still seeing the guy and all the "I love you"s have been exchanged. I don't know if they have slept together, but I'm assuming they have progressed a couple of bases at least (after all that was the reason for her leaving). I'm continuing to ignore her pleas for friendship, hard as it is.

 

If you haven't yet, do read love4life's post on rebound relationships and reverse psychology. It makes a ton of sense.

 

I'm moving on from this, but I'm not going to close the door on reconciliation. Let's see how it pans out.

[theanongirl89]

Woah. You are so strong. Good job, buddy! I admire your willpower, which I totally lack of in these cases. Well, I NEVER been in a breaking up situation, he was my first boyfriend (even my first kiss!). Keep up the good work, I will read what you recommended me. But the fact is that, even though he LEFT ME for her, a part of me HOPES he comes back. He didn't make any contact (23 days of NC today), be he checks my Twitter account and of course, he left a tweet on his account saying "I will always be there for you when you need me". The fact is that today I was SO TEMPETED to write to him... I have to fight the urge.

 

At least you know she hasn't forgot about you. In my case, it seems like he completely forgot about me. Five years and then nothing. Smoke. How can he forget me just like that???? I don't want to write to him because he's with her. At least I have some self respect and I will respect the new couple. I mean, she writes awful stuff about me but I have class. Chanel vs Walmart, you know. I'll stay classy.

 

Do you think he forgot about me?

[Ms Darcy]

I was going through a professional burnout in 2013, and that coupled with the LDR situation we were in at the time put a wedge between us -- sexually and emotionally. I got close to a mutual friend of ours who ended up supporting me more than my ex through my burnout. I naturally developed a crush on this girl, and one day, emotions took the better part of me and I kissed her (on the cheek, but in an amorous way).

 

Personally I don't think it's about her being immature or wanting novelty. I think her feelings for you changed forever after this and (despite your efforts) her feelings towards you never fully recovered. The new guy just gave her someone else to leap to.

[BrokenBlvd]

Woah. You are so strong. Good job, buddy! I admire your willpower, which I totally lack of in these cases.

 

Well, thanks! It's just about prioritizing yourself over the other person -- the other person did, and now it's time for ourselves to.

 

Well, I NEVER been in a breaking up situation, he was my first boyfriend (even my first kiss!).

 

Same with me.

 

I will read what you recommended me. But the fact is that, even though he LEFT ME for her, a part of me HOPES he comes back. He didn't make any contact (23 days of NC today), be he checks my Twitter account and of course, he left a tweet on his account saying "I will always be there for you when you need me". The fact is that today I was SO TEMPETED to write to him... I have to fight the urge.

 

Don't, at any cost, be the first to contact him. He knows how to reach you. The fact that he didn't contact you, reflects poorly on him, not on you. And believe me, it's much easier to move on when the person doesn't contact you.

 

At least you know she hasn't forgot about you.

 

That makes it harder to move on actually. These breadcrumb texts are pretty annoying, to be honest.

 

In my case, it seems like he completely forgot about me. Five years and then nothing. Smoke. How can he forget me just like that????

 

Highly doubt he has forgotten you. There are a lot of variables at play -- his pride, the need for him to play nice to his new girl, etc. You cannot just magically forget five years of togetherness.

 

I don't want to write to him because he's with her. At least I have some self respect and I will respect the new couple. I mean, she writes awful stuff about me but I have class. Chanel vs Walmart, you know. I'll stay classy.

 

You go, girl!

 

Do you think he forgot about me?

[BrokenBlvd]

Personally I don't think it's about her being immature or wanting novelty. I think her feelings for you changed forever after this and (despite your efforts) her feelings towards you never fully recovered. The new guy just gave her someone else to leap to.

 

Probably. I did what I did, and there's nothing I can do to change this anymore. Best is to accept and move forward.