Trust issues

[BCC123]

I am in a relationship and have trust issues. I was wondering how other people get over their boyfriends telling white lies. It's hard for me to believe him. Things run through my head and i question him and he gets mad. I think he has blocked numbers on his phone. None of these things are that big of a deal but how do I stop worrying about these things?

[DancingFool]

Can you be more specific about what you consider a white lie and what quantity are we talking about?

 

Kind of hard to give advice on generalities.

[Man with Dog]

In a general sense, most of us tell white lies and also lie about things that might get into trouble, like how we broke a glass. This doesn't necessarily imply that anyone who tells white lies is a cheat.

 

Having said that, people don't usually tell their other half they've cheated, unless they plan to leave.

[jobelle]

We need more details about said white lies in order to form an opinion!

[DoF]

Only way to build trust and to trust someone is for that person to EARN that trust.

 

Sounds to me like your boyfriend never really earned it and is doing the opposite of "earning trust".

 

Now you see why I never take the old approach of "trust everyone until the trust is broken". OVer the years I've learned that taking that approach hurt me WAY too much then it should've.

 

Now, my approach is "trust no ONE, let them earn my trust".

 

It worked wonders and is my ONLY approach now.

[BCC123]

sorry for being so general, in the past he has lied about having blocked numbers when really he did have several girls numbers blocked. he lies about his interactions with females. he has lied about his past. he lies about stuff he thinks i will get mad at because he wants to avoid a fight and that i understand. he hates when i question him all the time but I cant help it. I have found facetime calls with a female (we were fighting and not talking during that time) and he swears up and down that it was his friend he was with that called her. there were several calls in a row like a received one, a sent one and a missed one with a female he has a sexual history with -the facetime calls. then when we were fighting and not talking for a week he happens to run into her at the bar (a bar he NEVER goes to and one that she works at) and says that she was with her boyfriend ... which i dont believe. every time he tells me he runs into a female he has had a sexual past with at the bar he always says "she was with her new boyfriend" i dont believe it and i think he just says that so i dont get worried about their interaction. the past is the past and i know it really doesnt matter what happened when we were fighting and broken up because i was the one who had his number blocked and was ignoring his calls. in general he is a good hard working guy who is only not honest when he thinks i will get mad - which only causes problems and makes me upset lol

[DoF]

I think the only question YOU should really be asking here is "What exactly has caused me to remain with such person".

 

fact that you remain and haven't disengaged from him is quite troubling IMO. Why would you want this?

 

What other people do (or in this case, what he does) is completely irrelevant. What YOU ALLOW IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP is what the issue is. You allowed WAY more than you should've and accepted this person by remaining with them.

 

Not smart

[BCC123]

We will get into fights and I will be fed up and leave and not talk to him for a week sometimes 2 weeks at a time, when I come back I always get suspicious of what he was doing when I was gone, even though I know I left him and that its none of my business. I guess i just want to make sure its not continuing since Ive been back. I think the blocked numbers are girls he was talking to when i was gone and now that Im back he doesnt want them contacting him, also it is what he does when i leave that he lies about. He hasnt lied about anything when we've been together

[Doc Blaze]

No trust. he lies. This guy will only give you headaches. Break it off. This guy sounds awful

[Iggy5129]

No trust. he lies. This guy will only give you headaches. Break it off. This guy sounds awful

 

Honestly she seems pretty awful too. Keeps breaking it off with him then getting mad when they are together over the things he did while she pushed him away. You have a toxic relationship with this guy. I don't blame him for talking to other girls. Why would he put up with this?

[Doc Blaze]

Honestly she seems pretty awful too. Keeps breaking it off with him then getting mad when they are together over the things he did while she pushed him away. You have a toxic relationship with this guy. I don't blame him for talking to other girls. Why would he put up with this?

 

opps read that wrong. I thought he would leave for weeks...

[bulletproof]

Why are you so involved with his phone? How do you know about blocked numbers, facetime chats, missing/received/sent calls, etc.?

In my opinion, you shouldn't be looking at his phone, and he shouldn't be lying to you.

I think the only way this could work is if you stay out of his private life and he stops lying. So try it, but it sounds like this might already be too far gone.

[Man with Dog]

Lying about meeting girls he's had a past with are not white lies. They are a whole bigger level than lying about how much alcohol he's drunk or breaking a glass because he is messing around. Leaving and coming back constantly is not good for either of you.

 

Next time you leave, make sure it's for good.

[catfeeder]

I set my trust meter on a scale of 1 through 10 to a neutral 5 with everyone new that I meet. Then I observe and I allow them to show me whether they've earned their way up that scale by building trust through trustworthy behavior, OR, whether I should withdraw my trust and walk away.

 

There are two forms of mistrust: the legitimate kind that's raised through suspicious behavior, and the kind we can generate ourselves if we enter into relationships with issues that have already broken our trust meter.

 

In your case, it's both. You don't trust him because he lies, and you don't trust yourself to view lying through an appropriate lens. That's a mess.

 

So what do you think objective people can say that would help you? We can't tell you anything that would correct his behavior, and we can't coax you into seeing lies as a dealbreaker unless you're willing to do that for yourself. Have you considered counseling?

[DancingFool]

So basically you have personal trust issues and a real problem with boundaries yourself. Checking his phone, policing who he talks to, etc. Then, ironically, you get mad at him when he lies to you to avoid the crazy drama that YOU are creating. Do you realize that you are basically saying be honest, but I'll punish you for it.

 

It's definitely a toxic situation, but you are a huge contributor to that. Dump him, don't date, fix yourself, then dip your toe back into dating. When you are policing your SO like he is a prisoner, getting mad, breaking up, not speaking for a week - you are the culprit and lose the right to complain about how the other person chooses to handle your behavior. If your bf came on here, I'd tell him to dump you asap and not look back. He deserves better treatment than he is getting. At the same time, for you, don't date someone you can't trust.

[Man with Dog]

So basically you have personal trust issues and a real problem with boundaries yourself. Checking his phone, policing who he talks to, etc. Then, ironically, you get mad at him when he lies to you to avoid the crazy drama that YOU are creating. Do you realize that you are basically saying be honest, but I'll punish you for it.

 

It's definitely a toxic situation, but you are a huge contributor to that. Dump him, don't date, fix yourself, then dip your toe back into dating. When you are policing your SO like he is a prisoner, getting mad, breaking up, not speaking for a week - you are the culprit and lose the right to complain about how the other person chooses to handle your behavior. If your bf came on here, I'd tell him to dump you asap and not look back. He deserves better treatment than he is getting. At the same time, for you, don't date someone you can't trust.

 

I know lack of trust CAN be paranoia but, in this case, it isn't. He's got red flags flying from every part of his body!