help with ex please

[blukangarou]

hello,

i just wonderded if someone could give me some advice on getting my ex back, the story goes...

i met my ex through his bestfriend (then boyfriend) when i was 14,

we got to know eachother very well and i ended up cheating on my then boyfriend with him, so i broke up with my boyfriend to be with his best friend,

unfortunally me and my ex had a huge aurgement as it got out what happened and we lost contact,

a year later (now 15) i bumped into him and we become good friends again, which then became more,

things were going very well until the 30th of september 2003, when his sister passed away, she was only 23, i was good friends with her and things were very painful for all the family, i hid all my grief to be strong for my ex, but on november 28th 2003, my ex was assulted, leaving him in intencive care for a week, he was very close to death, it was a slow and painful recovery due to severe head injuries.

again i hid all the feelings of the assult on my ex to be strong for him, as a result i'm having panic attacks everyday, and if you've ever had a panic attack you know how nasty they are.

i started to have counciling for the panic attacks, however at christmas this year, i thought i was pregnant, everything got too much for me and i had the most hurendous panic attack, i did'nt want to go anywhere or see anybody, including my ex,

i stayed in bed christmas day and boxing day, my ex went away boxing day for a wedding in kenya for two weeks, it's sounds awufl, but i was relived as he did'nt have to see me in the state i was in.

things got a little eaiser, but when i knew he was coming to see me i did'nt want to see him beacuse i felt sick with panic, this carried on for a month or so, i tryed my best to cover up the extent of my anxiety. but on febuary 2nd he broke up with me, he said he was unhappy. i can understand, as he's lost his sister and been hurt, there's court cases coming up about the assult and i know it's going to be hard for him,

the thing is i need him around in my life, he's my bestfriend and i've never thought about anyone else but him in all this mess, i'm soon to be 20 and all i want is to get myself back to "normal" and to live out all our dreams we had, i'm in love with him so much and it really hurts,

i wrote him a letter telling him how everythings affected me and how much i love him, we sometimes text eachother or i call him.

i know he loves me and he's told me he misses me loads, but i just don't know what i can do anymore,

i'm still having counciling and i'm trying my best to get better, but all i can seem to do is think about him.

i can't consentrate on anything without him coming into my head, everything reminds me of him, my rooms covered in pictures of us together and i feel like i'm going to explode if i can't see him again.

so i'm very kindly asking anyone to give me advice on what i can do to bring him back in my life, beacuse i really don't think i can go on living without him.

please help

xxx

[dreynolds]

Sweetie - you have to first take a step back and breathe....try to relax and calm down.

Your message - it was a long and stressful story, just because of everything that had gone on.

 

Your main concern is getting back your boyfriend - and I can understand that pain because I've felt like there was no point in anything unless i coudl get back an ex girlfriend. Bottom line is - that is only a temporary feeling - things change with time (that's a promise).

 

I know all about panic attacks, anxiety - the feelings you go thorugh and the hell it puts you through. It's good that you're seeking therapy - it will help a lot, just to pin point things you have to concentrate on to make YOU feel better. This ex-boyfriend being 'yours' again - it's not going to solve things - trust me. You both have things you need to work through - and it's better you do it apart than together because it doesn't seem as if being together really gets either of you 'ahead' in the game.

 

My advice - be patient - and as much as you love him and want him back - please realize that this is how you feel now - and a big part of that feeling is because of your anxiety/panic and stress. The desire to cling to someone close - to take care of you and understand what you're going through - it's hard to deal with it alone!

 

you MUST fix you my dear....to get back to being happy and feeling good about yourself - in control of yourself - before you should worry too much about a/this boyfriend. You're on the right track - you're doing something about it.....and I understand that it's ripping you apart inside to not have him....but when you experience that panic attack....remember that horrible terrifying feeling....doesn't it make all other issues/problems kind of disappear...you just want it to STOP! Well - remember that....you're putting yourself thorugh way too much stress.....

[blukangarou]

thankyou for your reply,

i'm glad someone understands me, the thing is my family does'nt know his family too well, and i have nobody to talk to in my family as they don't know the things sourounding my attacks, nobody can really help in my family, and having my ex around would really help, but i'm so affraid to see him incase the attacks continue.

it was also my first experince of death and an assult, being so close together was hard to cope with,

i'm affraid that he's going to be with someone else and it's always on my mind,

i'm a young, small and frail thing, i've often thought about taking my life but i know it's not the right thing to do, as now iv'e experinced death and the amount of pain it comes with i could'nt put mine or his family through it.

things just seem to be getting worse than better

x

[dreynolds]

You're in a rut - i know because I've been there....still visit from time to time to remind myself where I came from!

 

You're on the right track - facing these problems and doing something about them. You ahve to be strong - for yourself - and you are doing just that....do not give up!

 

I know it's hard - i know you don't watn to do this - but the most important thing for you right now is to let go of this 'relationship' - still be friends - but concentrate on you! It's good that you have someone to talk to - you have to get EVERYTHING out - voice it all. I don't care if you talk to a teddy bear or write it all down in a journal - but get it ALL out! Thing out loud to yourself - write down things that really bother you - things about you taht you want to change - how you want things to be.

 

You're so young - and you have so much ahead of you - it's at this time you have to take control and get yourself back on the right track. Yes - terrible things have taken place - but terrible things happen all the time - this is your time to prove that you can handle this - you are strong enough - you know you are!

[shockeddismayed]

blukangarou,

 

dreynolds is giving you excellent, excellent advice. You need to focus on your own health and wellbeing first.

 

I know you feel alone, but you are not... you have us... and you have other close friends. If you feel comfortable, make sure to discuss things with your closest friend or with us... use this place like a journal.

 

Part of your earlier problems seems to be that you had trouble opening up about your feelings in a productive manner, and it ended up eating you up inside. Know that everyone has anxieties and stressors... it is important to do several things to help: 1) accept your anxieties and name them. Tell your friends, or tell us, or tell your diary your worries, don't let them fester inside, 2) learn to understand that we all control our own thoughts and happiness. This can be SOOOOOO hard to do... but once you can do it, nothing can ever touch you! Think about that!!!! That you could actually be invincible simply by saying "I will always find my own happiness".

 

Back to the ex I can tell you from my own painful experience, that relationships DO NOT work when both people don't have their feet on solid ground. Your EX has some work to do in order to deal with the terrible things that have happened to him.... and you have some work to do too... in order to deal with how these external events affect your soul.

 

I can promise you that once you have both built yourselves back up and recovered, your potential for true love is unlimited. If the love you shared for each other is true, it will not go away. He'll find a way to seek you out and start fresh.

 

In the meantime, relax in knowing that you have *just enough* time to complete the alone work that you need.... do this work for yourself and the rest will fall into place.

 

All the best!

 

S&D

[blukangarou]

wow,

it's been along time since i came on here, i attully came on here as my dog passed away yestoday he was 17 he had a great life, i got him when i was 3. anyway it got me thinking about death again and how i lost my friend on september 30th 2003, i thought i'd update anyone who's intrested.

i'm still having councling for my panick attacks there a little better but not that much unfortunally, i'm still not with my ex, i decided to break all contact with him on monday (i have a feeling his seeing someone else) we called and text eachother through the 8 months we were apart, i even seen him a few times. i do miss him though. i've attully been in contact with the guy i was with before him, he's quite sweet but after a 5 year realationship with someone i personally can't just move on (unlike my ex) anyways, i think i'll print out what i wrote in febuary and all the replys just as a reminder that eventhough things go slow, they do get better..... x