hands off father

[starlight89]

My partner is really good to us. He works hard and is a great provider. When we first had our son he was very hands on and would feed and change him regularly. He also wanted to cuddle him all the time and rock him to sleep etc. It was love at first site for him

 

But since our boy got older and wants to roll around, crawl and play, I feel like he has taken a step back. He just wants to unwind when he gets home which is understandable and I try to force him to have quality time with our son by leaving them alone for a bit while I get some chores done and when I come back, he is just playing games on his phone not really engaging or playing with him.

 

I feel like I do a 12 hour day everyday and then still have to clean up, wash bottles, do laundry etc when hes asleep at night and my partner gets to shower, relax, watch tv etc Today I got his bottle ready for bedtime and he just handed him to me and I said "will you not put him to bed, I still have loads to do" and he agreed to but it was like a chore to him. Surely he should want to spend an hour with him after work?

 

He is good in general and will help out with chores etc but it just worries me that he is bored of our child and doesn't really know how to interact with him. He seems awkward with him but when there is other people around, he will be a bit more hands on like hes trying to prove something.

 

I get that he is working and I don't ask him to do much around the house as a result. I do 90% of the chores and 100% cooking but I feel like he shoukd take over more with our son at night and give me 30minutes to myself. I also want them to bond

[Moontiger]

How direct have you been about needing more help? I think it might be a situation where you are going to have to tell him, "I need you to watch the baby for awhile while I clean up." Or, "I've had a very hard day and would love to take a bath. Please watch the baby for a a little while."

[lukeb]

Bonding isn't something you can really force, just like a friendship bond, familiar bonds happen from being around one another, but they don't happen because you feel they should happen. I think it is too early to tell if he isn't bonding in general, it may just be a case that he really isn't interested as much in that particular age and the things kids that age are interested in. As your son gets older there may be common interests that they could bond over. It is just a fact of life that not all parents bond with their children, but that doesn't mean they shouldn't treat each other with respect, and learn to live together in relative harmony. Some are closer to their mom some closer to their dad, and that is ok.

 

If you feel you need help, or some time off, yeah you may just have to speak up and negotiate something you can both reasonably live with.

[catfeeder]

Have you asked him about this? If not, why not, and if so, what did he say?

[starlight89]

thanks all. Sorry for the late response.

 

I did mention to him that he seems distracted a lot when he spends time with him and he should try to interact and play more. He has been making more of an effort lately.

 

I know he loves him. He just isn't great at interacting with babies. Hes better with older children. I just want him to do a little everyday until it starts to feel more natural and less forced

[Batya33]

My first instinct is "too bad". Meaning, he is the father and even though your division of "labor" is that you are the full time caregiver that is irrelevant when it comes to him bonding with his son. I will say that you have to be careful not to give him all the "hard" stuff, like handing off the baby when he is fussy or at his worst time of day, etc. When my son was an infant my husband would do the midnight feeding because he is a night owl, and I would do the 5am feeding for the same reason. We found ways to make it balanced/fair, keeping in mind that he had to be able to be alert for work and that he worked a full day while I worked at home as the main caregiver.

 

My husband had no experience with infants/babies. It did not matter because this was his son. He needed some pointers (no, don't leave an infant unattended on a bed while you're changing him) but no pointers about bonding. He just made up ways to play with him.

 

One more thing -when he does play with him don't give pointers/interject unless he asks or unless there's something really unsafe - I made that mistake some and I regret it.