Is my boyfriend manipulating me? Am I to blame? I feel so drained.

[isunnybunny]

Me and my boyfriend have been dating for nearly 3 years and are in a LDR. I love him very much, we have a great sex life (as sexual as we can, ha, we are very content with it though.), lots of similar interests, but we have some problems... We argue so much over ridiculous things and he claims I am to blame. ALL the time. For example, the door bell rang when we were in the middle of watching a movie while on Skype together. I said "Oh crap be right back" and didn't pause. Fast-forward to after helping my parents with groceries and such (they were out shopping and would need help), I came back onto the headset and he welcomed me back then asked me "So where did you pause?" I said "Oh, I couldn't pause because I had to get the door." he said "It's not that you COULDN'T pause but you FORGOT to." and I was like "Uhh, well I couldn't because it was the last thing on my mind? I had to go help my parents..." he said "But you forgot to, it's not like you couldn't." then hit the fan from there.Like what the . He got so mad at me for this and said "You always try to argue with me over silly things instead of admitting when you know i'm right. It must be in your personality and that's not what I look for in an ideal girlfriend. It's a turn off. This must be (poop) chemistry." That was so incredibly hurtful. He also said his weekend is ruined (obviously aimed at me...), that I have no respect for him and he's adamant he's done nothing wrong.Last year we met for the first time in 2 years and hit it off. He stayed with me and my family for 3 months and my parents didn't want money from him for staying, all they wanted us to do was buy our own food (my parents are generous people). The time we spent together was great but we still had those dumb arguments.

 

After arguments we have he goes into serious bad moods, he barely talks and we are in call together doing nothing for like 6 hours or until one of us goes to sleep. This can last for days. He can say some really hurtful things when he's in moods too. like this happens so often. My boyfriend is under a lot of stress from family and work but doesn't like to talk about it. I've tried to get him to open up with that but he ends up getting annoyed when I mention it. I try to understand and help him as much as possible despite this but I can't help but feel at times I am his emotional punching bag. I feel ty for saying that but that's how I feel it's like. We've been through a lot together, he was the only person outside the family that was there for me when my autistic older brother died from cancer a couple of months ago which i'm still struggling to come to terms with (because of his disability, he couldn't comprehend his life was in serious danger. Me and my family were called up to the hospital one day and we watched him die in front of our eyes. Despite being told all his operations were successful and his cancer was gone.) Still I love him so much, when we don't argue he is absolutely amazing. I really want to make this work between us but i'm miserable from all this drama happening almost constantly. I feel I am walking on eggshells with him, which is funny because he says the same exact thing with me.

 

I feel I can't express opinions or how say how I feel, because that can turn into a hurtful argument if he feels differently, so I tend to bottle it up. One time I mentioned how a sex scene made me uncomfortable to watch with him and he called me a "prude" for it, even though i'm far from being a prude and said i'm fine with him watching it himself. And of course, went into a bad mood with me. He also almost broke up with me one time because I said a game wasn't my "cup of tea" because it's like a harem bikini girl game. He kept asking why I wouldn't like it or play it and kept digging deep until I admitted insecurities and said "I thought you were over this . I'm so disappointed." /: That hurt. I felt ashamed to even admit it too. It was not something I wanted to share.I had really bad jealousy issues in our relationship for near enough a full year and I feel that's the cause for the way he acts with me now. I got so mad and would lash out with mean comments about girls but never anything about him. We've worked through those issues together and i've learned to trust him completely now but i'm positive he still resents me for those things. I regret how I was then and I have changed my ways, but I keep thinking maybe I was too late in changing, considering what's going on now. I'm typing this after the petty argument I mentioned happened about the movie and he's asleep right now, in a bad mood with me. Later we are going to call and I already know it will be a ty like usual with near to no talking. I'm going to try and have a chat to him tonight about how I feel, but i'm really nervous about it. I know a few times when i've said how I felt it's backfired and he's called me selfish for and saying i've missed the point about how he feels.

 

Next year, we plan for me to visit him and get married there, even though we can't live together yet until things are sorted but because of all of what's happened... i'm unsure how I feel about it anymore which makes me sad because I used to be so excited. I mean, my heart races at the thought of us getting married but living together with these issues... I don't know...I think about our arguments almost constantly. I don't look forward to our calls as much when I get home from college anymore because I wonder "What's going to happen today? What will I do to everything up again?" I feel i've tried so hard to change my attitude and yet I'm still doing things wrong. Not sure what to do anymore. It really kills me to see him so unhappy. I just hope he hears me out when I talk to him and understands but a part of me thinks he will just get annoyed at me as usual. I know i'm not an angel. I've said things that hurt him, they were unintentional too but i've never called my boyfriend names or swore at him because I don't like doing that to people I love. He's never swore at me too. I'm pretty stuck on what to do right now. Can anyone give me some sort of advice? Thank you... and sorry for the long post lol. I hope this makes sense.

[melancholy123]

This guy is a right fighter and a grouch too. I dont see where you are getting much if anything out of this LDR. He sounds nasty more than he doesnt. Maybe you need to take a step back and think about this, is this really how you want to spend your life? Walking on eggshells all the time gets old.

[bulletproof]

I said "Oh, I couldn't pause because I had to get the door." he said "It's not that you COULDN'T pause but you FORGOT to." and I was like "Uhh, well I couldn't because it was the last thing on my mind? I had to go help my parents..." he said "But you forgot to, it's not like you couldn't." then hit the fan from there.Like what the . He got so mad at me for this and said "You always try to argue with me over silly things instead of admitting when you know i'm right.

 

I realize this is minor, but technically he's right; you could have paused, you just forgot to. Why is that worth arguing with him over?

Either way, if you're at the point that you're arguing over something like this at all, it's probably not the healthiest relationship.

I don't understand how you're going to vist and get married next year when nearly all of the relationship has been spent online.

I also don't know if it's that healthy to be spending six hours at a time on Skype or watching movies together this way. Do you have friends or relationships in real life?

[ThatwasThen]

I can't help but feel at times I am his emotional punching bag.

You feel that way because you are. Why are you bothering with a boyfriend that is too far away to sit together in the same room on the same couch and watch a movie with? A guy that makes you bicker to be right and him with a need to be right to the point where you leave one another emotionally spent and upset? Your quasi relationship sounds like more work then it's worth and less satisfying then a good bowel movement.

 

Why can't you just stop having these stupid skype dates, superficial relating in general and just break up with him. Surely there is enough character in you to be confident enough to know that stopping all this nonsense would be the best thing that could happen to BOTH of you. There is a man that is better suited to you that lives close enough to nurture a relationship that you can touch/cuddle with while you watch a movie ~ or whatever.

[greta96]

He sounds extremely controlling, mean, manipulative and like a woman's worst nightmare. I don't understand why are you allowing yourself to be his punching bag? There are tons of guys out there who can give you amazing sex and at the same time treat you better and not put you down the way this little t*at is!

Let him find his "ideal girlfriend" (good luck with that lol), and find yourself someone local who knows how to treat a woman.

[beautifulzen]

DO NOT MARRY THIS JERK. He sounds far too much like a long ago ex of mine--controlling, manipulative, always blaming me for everything. You don't need a guy like this. If you feel like an emotional punching bag it's because you've allowed yourself to be one. Cut him loose and find a guy near you who treats you kindly.

[Komorebi]

I relate to this 120%... My boyfriend and I are also in a long distance relationship and he treats me the exact same way... Only difference is that on top of using me as an emotional punching bag, he was also the one with the jealousy/trust-issues and insecurities. We argue at least twice a week, and when I say argue, I MEAN ARGUE... I am the type of person who does not like being treated like a child or talked to in a certain way, and when I feel someone is being a hypocrite, I call them out on it. Only difference with my boyfriend and I arguing and you and yours, is that my boyfriend actually wants to talk to me about his issues and problems and wants me to vice versa... I resent a lot of the things he tells me he has issues with but that is neither here nor there, at least we talk it through. If your boyfriend can't even sit down and respect that you NEED to have this conversation with him in order to strengthen or even save your relationship, then he does not deserve a woman like you... There needs to be healthy communication. Me and my boyfriend are working on ours, but at least we are doing it together. Relationships need to be a two-way street, because if the argument or the discussion is completely one-sided and you aren't even TRYING to understand each other, then this relationship is a complete waste of time... I am sorry. I hope everything works out for you guys.