Romantic Feelings for a Good Friend, what to do?

[alfalfa]

I have become good friends with a guy over the last 6 months, who I told I only want to be friends with, and now romantic feelings inside of me seem to have exploded without my conscious approval (lol) and I'm not sure what to do. I am 27 and he is 22.

 

Backstory: I decided to move to my Mom's house with her for a *period* of time after the sudden passing of my Dad 7 months ago, to help her out. She lives in a pretty isolated town and I have no intention of staying here in the long term. I am in graduate school so it also gives me a good chance to focus on that and get my career going. After the storm of the funeral etc. passed I got a part time job at the local pub. This guy works in the kitchen. We vibed pretty much immediately and I still remember that feeling and that day. He's not standardly cute, or my type, but I thought he was cute, and he seemed extremely kind. He also moved up to this small town 2 years ago, after the sudden passing of him mom, to be with his Dad. SAME STORY!!

 

The situation now[/u][/u]: We got along well at work and after only a few weeks he asked me on a date. I knew I liked him as a person, but between all the sudden changes in my life / the overwhelming work I was helping my Mom with / my personal grief about my Dad / my school / the fact that I wasn't going to be staying there forever / THE AGE DIFFERENCE, I told him I would like to hang out with him but only as friends. I couldn't wrap my head around dating at the time, it was my last priority. He said he is totally fine with that and has respected that ever since. We did stay friends Stayed after work for games of pool, he texted me pretty much every day, I went to his house and met his Dad and family... After 2 months of being friends, we went to the pub for Halloween together and ended up kissing at the end of the night (not for long, and that's as far as it went). But I felt SO happy the next day, like a giddy little girl. But then when he wanted to pursue it and started talking about a relationship, I felt freaked out and nervous and told him I had a great time on Halloween but I still want to stay friends. Why? Honestly, mostly because of the age. I just got out of a long-term age gap relationship recently (he was 20 years older than me) and I saw how many problems it posed because we were in different phases or our life... Also this guy doesn't have his life together at all yet (no education, no career goals in sight, lives with his Dad), and I don't want to babysit my man. He has said the words "I want to do this and that when I get my career going" a few times, but he has no plans to do that as of right now... Also we don't have many similarities. I am goal-driven, he is very laid-back and satisfied with doing very little with his days. I like to travel, he likes to stay at home. Basically, I had a lot of fears about all the way this relationship could NEVER EVER work. I'm at an age / mentality where I WANT to settle down. I don't want to date someone who I think or know will be dead-ended. I don't want to enter into a relationship that has no long-term potential. Which is why I said no to being more than friends.

 

Now I have known him for 6 months, as good friends. We text nearly every day, and hang out once every week or two. We have spoken on the phone when I've been out of town every time, for 2-3 hours each time. Although everything I just said IS true and it still makes me VERY nervous, I see another side of him that I can't help but find VERY appealing. He is more mature than pretty much all of the men my own age or older than I have met. He is loyal, good-hearted, sincere, a family-guy, old-fashioned, sweet and complimentative. He is so, so nice to me. He has told me he's never met another girl like me and that he loves my company and trusts me for some reason when he almost never trusts anybody. We don't go on crazy adventures or anything (which I like) but we have fun together. Every time I talk to him or spend time with him, I feel genuinely happy inside afterwards, and I can't even pinpoint exactly why. Also a point that's irrelevant but says a lot about his character - he has already been engaged. We are SOO different from one another. He may have a few years of growing to do but I think he will end up being a VERY good man. And I knew from the first day I met him that I liked him in some way (I have a crazy intuition for people I vibe with), but I made an effort to shut it down in my mind. But over the past week or two, something has changed inside of me... I can't stop thinking about him. I want to spend time with him. I want to tell him how I feel. I don't know what changed and why, but it just did! I'm starting to deeply appreciate the good qualities about his personality, rather than what he has done for himself or his age. I'm just starting to look at him very differently and I can feel my heart fluttering.

 

But I'm scared too. I'm scared it's just my hormones talking and not my brain. I'm scared I'd be entering another dead-end relationship that becomes an emotional rollercoaster. I'm scared that he has friend zoned me in HIS mind after all these months of friendship (he doesn't text me as much as he used to)!!! I'm just scared and don't know if I should allow myself to have feelings for him or keep pushing them away.

 

What should I do? Can a relationship with someone 5-years younger than you work? Should I tell him how I feel? Should I keep pushing it away? Any words of advice would be very much appreciated!

 

x

[Sportster2005]

What should I do? Can a relationship with someone 5-years younger than you work? Should I tell him how I feel? Should I keep pushing it away? Any words of advice would be very much appreciated!

 

x

 

Five years is not a major hurdle. If he doesn't want to settle down though, you can't force it. Don't tell him how you feel if you're interested. Ask him if he would be interested in going on a date, or just feel him out with some flirting.

 

Ugh, YOLO, there I said it.

[alfalfa]

Five years is not a major hurdle. If he doesn't want to settle down though, you can't force it. Don't tell him how you feel if you're interested. Ask him if he would be interested in going on a date, or just feel him out with some flirting.

 

Ugh, YOLO, there I said it.

 

Thank you for your reply

 

Yes YOLO i agree... !

[nuttybuddy]

i think 5 yr difference isn't bad. but 20 yr difference is a generation apart.

 

talking to him for 2-3 hrs probably made u grow closer to him unwittingly.

 

u can analyze all the reasons why u shouldn't be in a relationship with him -- which are good reasons.

 

but now, with no real pin point-able reason you feel drawn to him. u like him cuz he's so nice to u. but if he stopped doing that would u still like him? he already stopped texting u so much.

 

if u go into this relationship, u are bound to be his sugar mama. caveat emptor. buy at your own risk.

if u want to have a short fling before u go back to school, so be it. but u should warn him so that his heart's not broken.

 

otherwise, who knows what the future holds in your career path? a man who's better put together and who is even nicer to u and good looking?

 

life is full of choices, isn't it?

[HeartGoesOn]

I can't put my finger on any particular reason, but I'll take a guess that you'll regret it.

[alfalfa]

I can't put my finger on any particular reason, but I'll take a guess that you'll regret it.

 

Regret dating him, or regret not dating him?

 

There must be a reason....

[HeartGoesOn]

Regret dating him, or regret not dating him?

 

There must be a reason....

 

Regret dating him. My thoughts are, you have entirely different lifestyles, and by your own words there are more cons than pros. Of course you're an adult, and it's your call.

[alfalfa]

Regret dating him. My thoughts are, you have entirely different lifestyles, and by your own words there are more cons than pros. Of course you're an adult, and it's your call.

 

Different lifestyles yes but same hearts / values. Which is worth more?

 

Also, don't you think his "lifestyle" will develop as he gets older, especially if he has a reason to?

[Andrina]

The main difference with what you've written is the work ethic/career goals. What you see is what you get. I know my husband and I have high work ethics, and when we speak about our lives when we were teens, we both showed those traits back then. You cannot assume a guy, at 22, is going to all of a sudden get on a path to a higher education and strive for a great career when he hasn't done so yet, and isn't showing any concrete signs he ever will. You should always base your decisions on the present, and not what you would hope for the future.

 

You can have chemistry with many, many people on this earth. When I was a teen, I went to France for a month I had crushes on a few guys I met there. One from Greece and one from the island of Mauritius. When I was single I had a crush on a guy from work. If you're in a room of 50 guys, there will usually be at least one or two who you're attracted to. The list goes on and on. Chemistry is the easy part. Finding someone cute and appealing doesn't mean much when the other major things aren't there.

 

I suggest you do the same as him and cool off the friendship. You two aren't meant to be forever friends. Neither of your future partners will appreciate you two being buddies when you've kissed, and both essentially wanted more. If it's a bf you want, make that your goal, along with cutting out the guys right away who don't make the grade. Choosing a potential lifetime partner is the most important decision you'll ever make, so make sure you have a deal breaker list and a must-have list, and stick to it. Take care.

[alfalfa]

The main difference with what you've written is the work ethic/career goals. What you see is what you get. I know my husband and I have high work ethics, and when we speak about our lives when we were teens, we both showed those traits back then. You cannot assume a guy, at 22, is going to all of a sudden get on a path to a higher education and strive for a great career when he hasn't done so yet, and isn't showing any concrete signs he ever will. You should always base your decisions on the present, and not what you would hope for the future.

 

You can have chemistry with many, many people on this earth. When I was a teen, I went to France for a month I had crushes on a few guys I met there. One from Greece and one from the island of Mauritius. When I was single I had a crush on a guy from work. If you're in a room of 50 guys, there will usually be at least one or two who you're attracted to. The list goes on and on. Chemistry is the easy part. Finding someone cute and appealing doesn't mean much when the other major things aren't there.

 

I suggest you do the same as him and cool off the friendship. You two aren't meant to be forever friends. Neither of your future partners will appreciate you two being buddies when you've kissed, and both essentially wanted more. If it's a bf you want, make that your goal, along with cutting out the guys right away who don't make the grade. Choosing a potential lifetime partner is the most important decision you'll ever make, so make sure you have a deal breaker list and a must-have list, and stick to it. Take care.

 

Thank you for your reply, Adrina. I do agree with most of what you said. At the same time, while yes I am goal-oriented, I am happy with a simple life. My last boyfriend did not have his life together, and as long as we were contributing to the relationship even if it was in different ways, I was happy. I do not need fancy things and fancy vacations, as long as I have the man who respects and loves me. As long as he is producing an income of some sort and contributing in some shape or form, like manual work or help with kids, I have no problem with dating or being in a relationship with this type of man. Love is more important to me than success. So while that is a concern for me in deciding if to go for this guy or not, it is not a make-or-break factor.