girlfriend is paranoid about other women

[Amannamederic]

Hey,

 

I have a question that is pretty much gaurenteed to come off as arrogant even though i promise im not, so read on for a good laugh or to reply and help me out whatever suits you best.

 

Alright ive had this girlfriend for around 6 months, we were extremely happy in the beginning and still are even though she went completely cold turkey on the physical aspect of it, which i think made us a bit closer as friends who just like/maybe love each other alot. At the very least it took alot of pressure off of her because she is a good girl who had never had a boyfriend before and was pretty fascinated with "me" for the first three months (i actually got tired of it all the time so i guess there is such a thing as too much of a good thing haha) My problem is, shes EXTREMELY jealous. I hadn't dated around my school in some time before her and i know im one of those guys who was a loser early on and grew into his body/face because im told that all the time, honestly that whole situation makes me uncomfortable but thats not the issue here. It started when we first got together, we'd be walking down the hallway and you would hear something along the lines of, "Oh my god look look look thats * i cant believe HE chose HER" followed by these really awful looks at the poor girl.

 

It eventually turned into just girls giving her awkward stares, and as any normal person would she got jealous. She started to get mad at me for having girls look at me because i "didn't do anything about it which means that you get off on the attention!" so i tried being mean to the girls she was talking about but no that wasn't good either because that was encouraging them to flirt harder so i ignored them and this was met with more yelling because ignoring them was practically begging them to keep going. Its so confusing so i started looking around and trying to notice it happening after i made the brilliant move of telling her that it was all in her head...guys, never tell your girlfriend that her jealousy is all in her head WOW.

 

True enough (and id never looked before so i had no idea) people were staring at me as i walked through the hallway, the sophmore girls would giggle and point, the senior girls would just look at me and smile every once in awhile while we had class together, give me compliments etc etc etc. Needless to say my girlfriend had noticed all of this before me and didnt take it so well. Now shes mad at me because a girl in our lunch whom i used to have a crush on just watches us go through the line together...not discreetly, the girl sits and stares dead at me and then dead at my girlfriend making us both uncomfortable.

 

I really like my girlfriend now shes fun, we may not do anything sexual but kiss once a week or so but thats not so bad, id like to keep her around but i still believe most of this is in her head and she wont let it go, shes starting to fight more and more so my question is this, whats the best way to show her that i care how upset she is...while not doing her suggestion of telling every girl that stares to "please stop looking at me im taken" (how ridiculous is that?!) any help would be appreciated.

 

-Eric

[MetallicAguy]

She needs to get over it. That's like telling a nerdy chick to stop fantasizing over Orlando Bloom LOL. Tell her it's not your problem if your eye-candy to girls of all ages throughout your high school. Tell her that she needs to get over it and it's all in her head because your her first bf. She definitely needs to deal with it. It's her problem lol. It's not your problem she has bad social status that people say "Why'd he choose HER?!?!".

[MetallicAguy]

Oh yeah, I personally don't like these women because there really weird, I mean they can be fun once they open up to you, but they have all these insecurities and "rules". I hate it.

[Celadon]

Okay, Eric, you sound like a reasonable guy. Your situation sounds typical for when a guy is really hot (I'm assuming, from what you describe) and his girl is, maybe, not as hot. I think it's cool that you like her and are deep enough to value her company and it's not just all about the physical stuff for you.

 

So, I think your gf needs a three-point refresher. (1) You are choosing to be with her because she's got all these great qualities (you can list them for her). (2) You think you two are good together (you can tell her all your good memories of times you've had). (3) Nobody owns anybody else. What you'd like to focus on is you two loving each other, not owning each other. "Owning" is a waste of time. Loving is worth everything.

 

At the same time, her reactions are understandable, IMHO. It's tough for lots of people -- teens and adults -- to feel secure. She's trying, but in bad ways (I wouldn't say that to her though - LOL!)

 

For you, I'd just promise her that you won't behave like you're available, but you *will* be normal-friendly with girls. One way to do that is redirect conversation to normal stuff when girls try to flirt with you. Tone down your sense of humor and just answer them matter of factly if they're flirting.

 

Or if they ask you about your plans for the weekend, make sure to include the words "my girlfriend and I are going to..." That's about all you can do. You can't control them; you can only show respect for your gf through your own behavior.

 

Okay, those are some of my thoughts. Hope it helps ya!

[DN]

When you say she went cool on the physical side, what do you mean?

 

Do you mean making out, sex or what?

 

The answer to that question could explain a lot. Why she stopped is also important.

 

She may feel that you will go looking for something physical with someone else because you are not physical with her. That is possibly what she needs reassurance about.

[Amannamederic]

I thought about that too...and we have had some problems there, at first she was tearing my clothes off left and right, with her parents in the room a hand would suddenly slide down my pants under the blanket...she even wanted to masturbate me in the lunchroom at school (i said no).

Then we made love (the first time for both of us) it hurt her ALOT and then she started feeling bad and all of a sudden she freaked out, i know for a fact she wasn't as ready as her body told her but we did it twice and she felt so bad after the second time that she said no more all together. Then her mom pumped her full of abortion horror stories and disease horror stories and that further put her back on the abstinant path...this time from EVERYTHING including kissing. That lasted about a month before she finally loosened up again and things were ok until one day i gave her oral sex and her parents found out, that went over fantastically since they are a religious family but i handled it the way i wanted to and once again said no more sexual encounters.

 

Now our sex life is pretty much kissing...she hasnt touched me in around a month but still wants me to give her orgasms all the time. So i oblige her and never really ask for anything by myself. I thought it was me or something about my body that made her change her mind all of a sudden i mean who is all over you for 3 months and then not wanting a part of you after that. Maybe we have bigger problems than the jealousy who knows the only consolation she offers is "Eric we'll do it all the time when we get married" which just is not cool for a 17 year old guy with big plans for his life.

 

tell me what you think,

 

-Eric

[DN]

I think you need to talk to her. The sexual thing seems to me to be the core of the problem. I suspect she's terrified of getting hurt, of annoying her parents, of contravening her religion and she is now a mess. It could also be that, although it seems selfish to want orgasms herself while not satisfying you, she is doing that to prove to herself that you care about her and no one else. The actual orgasm could be less important than the fact you are doing it for her.

 

She is also scared of losing you - hence the jealousy

 

Talk to her about the relationship and what you both want from it. Do it in a non-confrontational way, as a problem for you to solve together rather than as adversaries.

[MetallicAguy]

Dude, just in my opinion but these are the weirdest women I've encountered in my life lol, I'd go back to golddiggers anyday if I was in a current relationship with a strictly religious girl. I guess if your dating her and she's cool and all that that's good, though her parents from what you've wrote seem to me as freaks lol, I can't believe she was brainwashed about abortion and disease "horror" stories LOL. In my opinion I think of these women as freaks because obviously how your raised is how you turn out to be, and she is going to be a very strict, dull women because of her parents bulls***. If she can't disobey her parents and get physical and have fun I see no point to date her because girls like this are often very weird when older. (***Most not all)

[DN]

oddly enough, raised as a good catholic boy (then not now!) my experience is most uptight religious girls turned into very good sex partners under the right circumstances. All that energy finally released.

 

reaction is from the boys is at first and then

[Mun]

I remember dating this very "hot" guy and getting ugly stares from women everywhere we went. One time some girls were even throwing paper wads at me--no joking--at a club. Unbelievable! What kept me ok was knowing that he wanted to be with me--so they could just kiss my butt . He was younger than me too... so heh...I had fun with it.

 

I think you should remind your girlfriend that no matter if these girls want you, you are with her because you care about her. If she doesn't get over it then really it is her problem, I mean if you are behaving yourself then you are not feeding her insecurities. They are all her own.

 

She needs to watch out for that jealousy thing, it can kill a good relationship.