Work with ex, and I want him back

[ckath]

This may be a little long, but I think that I need some advice on how to approach this from another angle.

I met my ex on a dating website, I'm asian and he's greek. Long story short, I introduced him to work in my company where I am a manager and him as an junior exec. Most people at work knows we are (were) together. He lives with his brother in an apartment, and usually after work (not all weeknights) I would go over to his place for dinner and hang out with them. On weekends, I would be spending time with him at his place. Occassionally, we will go out shopping or doing errands together. It would seem like we are together almost 24/7 through our relationship, but I go on work trips every few months for a week.

Few months back, his parents came to visit and he told me that he did not want me to meet them because he's not ready and it's not the greek culture to meet girlfriends (unless she's someone you are sure that you'll marry). I accepted his reason and let it go. During his parents' visit, they went on a trip to visit the brother's fiancee in another city. During the 3 days, he did not text or call me, I was so mad about it. When he came to work the next day, I confronted him at lunch and told him that it's not right to just ignore me during that trip. He apologised and said that he felt baad for hurting me over stupid reasons. Nontheless, I forgave him since he had admitted that it was his fault. Fast forward weeks later, I overheard the wedding plans, and realised that I was not invited to the brother's wedding which will be happening in summer. That's when I brought up the talk about him not being ready which meant that I am not good enough for him in the back of his mind. I simply packed up my stuff and told him that from now on, we are just colleagues. He tried to walk me to the door, but I stopped me and said that it's only going to be awkward.

The next few days at work was miserable, I had to see him at work when he's only a few cubicles away from me. Over the weekend, I kept thinking about how I left things off on the uneventful night and decided to talk with him the following week. As we talked about our issues, he said that the last few months felt like we're married but no title. He also said that he dont't think we have a future either, and he thinks that we are on different paths (i.e. I want to get married but he doesn't). After we talked, we went on separate ways and I went off for drinks with my friends and couldn't stop crying. My friends told me that the first signs were when he didn't want me to meet his parents when they were in town for vacation. I don't know what to think and I decided to arrange to see a therapist at the end of the week. For the next few days before I went to see the therapist, I decided to work in another office in order to avoid seeing him. I was told by another co-worker that he wasn't his usual self at work after our 2nd talk.

I met with the therapist (she's greek as well), and she shared with me on the greek culture. She confirmed that greeks don't bring the people they are seeing unless they are 100% sure that they are going to get married. She also told me the family values of greek people, how family can be a big part of their relationships. After what I hear from her, I felt bad for him and saw how the breakup was probably me being petty and stupid at the same time. My therapist also told me from his behavior and actions, he showed signs of interest (we saw each other at the lobby and he made jokes with me).

Few weeks went by, I'm still hung up by the breakup and my therapist encouraged me to talk with him and apologised for how I behaved when I broke up with him and missed the sweet moments we had together. I offered to arrange dinner plans with him and he joked about who's buying dinner. It was a short 10 min conversation and I told him that I missed him. I followed up with him the next day with plans for dinner again, he didn't reject it and seem to be keen. However, last minute plans came up and he cancelled on me. My therapist told me not to bring up those plans again and let him come to me about it. We still continue to talk at work, I didn't text him after work. But the weekend was miserable for me, I kept having thoughts about him. "Is he seeing someone new already", "Did he have sex with her yet", "What if ny efforts to get him back is futile".......

What should I do now? Do I follow my therapist's instructions to continue being nice & sweet to him? Do I ask him about dinner plans again? Do I ask him if he wants to get back together? It feels good to be able to talk with him again, but it also felt like he is just being polite and might be stringing me along. I'm seriously in a dilemma.

[jimthzz]

You kinda stormed out on him prematurely, and possibly have screwed up your chances to reconcile.

 

One thing you still have not done is to apologize for your behavior. Yes, you made dinner plans, but you didn't mention that you behaved rashly.

 

He may have moved on.

 

However, you can't keep peppering him with requests to meet. But i do think you have one more shot at it. But when you make the invite lead with it being about apologizing to him. Don't hit him with the full freight just yet.

[Clinton]

To be honest your "therapist" sounds kinda useless. And maybe the Greek families I know are liberal, but all the boyfriends and girlfriends make it over to their houses for dinners and family stuff whether they've only recently started dating or not.

 

It sounds like a line to me that indicates he's not that interested. You can invite him out one more time but if he begs off I'd say that's it, it's done.

[ckath]

I have already apologized and that we started to talk during our lunch breaks.

The conversations seemed isn't exactly interesting and I still can't get my finger on how he feels.

[ckath]

According to the therapist, she thinks that the brother is controlling him and plays a big part in our relationship. I can't help but be afraid that if he continues whispering in his ears then we are truly done.

[Sazkaz]

Hi ckath, I'm "kinda" in a v similar situation to you.

 

It sounds like you want to get back with him. But, it also sounds like he doesn't see a future with you (sorry to be harsh) and there will be nothing you can do to change that. And the same goes for his brother (unless your ex-BF is actually v weak and easily swayed by his family- in which case, do you want to be lumbered with that for the rest of your life?!).

 

You need to find a way to move on. It's difficult I know, because you work together. I have no solutions for that side of things though (I also work with my ex-BF, it sucks BIG time!!).

 

Good luck x

[ckath]

Hi ckath, I'm "kinda" in a v similar situation to you.

It sounds like you want to get back with him. But, it also sounds like he doesn't see a future with you (sorry to be harsh) and there will be nothing you can do to change that. And the same goes for his brother (unless your ex-BF is actually v weak and easily swayed by his family- in which case, do you want to be lumbered with that for the rest of your life?!).

 

You need to find a way to move on. It's difficult I know, because you work together. I have no solutions for that side of things though (I also work with my ex-BF, it sucks BIG time!!).

 

Good luck x

 

When I told my therapist about the things he said or gestured after the breakup, she said that he seems to be interested. Of course, she also did said that his family seemed to be controlling him and whispered to him about us, which obviously will contribute to our relationship. Ultimately, it will be up to me if I am able to look past all of these, because he will be he same guy as before (controlled by his family).

But then again, I still feel awful after a month of the breakup. Every weekend, I will turn to the obsessive thoughts. Wondering who is he hanging out with, is he talking or dating somebody. I can only hope that the relationship and talks we have on weekends will show him that we have more than whichever dates he went out with (in order not to make him feel pressurized, I don't text him during the weekends).