I feel so used. I don't know what's wrong with me.

[emilystyles199]

My ex and I were together for 8 months. We broke up for 4 months ago . He moved away to literally the other side of the states, and we started talking to each other in November. We've practically been talking since then. We've been seeing each other again, and hooking up (not having sex). We have been hanging out and going out and having fun. He asked me to fly out and stay with him for a few days. ..Before we got together we talked about us and what we were. He said he doesn't want a committed relationship right now, although it's something I want, but we both said we still felt the same about each other and wanted to take things slow. Later on I asked him if there was a chance of us getting back together and he said he would be open to try it again and that "I don't see why not." So I took this as a sign we were something more, correct? He was honest and told me that he hasn't met anyone he's connected with since me, and said maybe it's a sign, and that I was really important to me. Him and I are best friends. We were friends before we dated and that is why I don't know what to do. And i'll tell you why.

 

I wrote him a letter about what we were (I know, but i enjoy writing them.) I wanted to make sure we both wanted the same thing and wanted to develop this into something more serious. He texted me and we got in a huge fight. He said he would rather be friends right now, he feels like its going to be so much baggage for him when he returns to school. He failing school and is about to loose his scholarship if he doesn't get his together.

 

He back tracks and said he never said any of that, which I have some of the texts to prove it. I don't know if it's all the he's smoking or the new group of people he is around. He used to be all about having one on one relationships, and now he's talking about free love and he had hooked up with one girl a few times who he has no feelings for. It just makes me want to vomit. It just shocks me because of his morals and hippie mentality, it contradicts his actions. He said he feels horrible and guilty for making me upset. He says he really does care about me and he can't believe he did this to me of all people. Basically he only viewed this as best friends friends with benefits.

 

We obviously have two different views on what relationships mean. He also said he felt like I was being really clingy, which I could understand why. I would have never had seen him or kissed him or done other things if that's all he wanted. This is going to cause me not to trust future relationships. Im always going to think I'm being used or taken advantage of. Im still so in love with him. I feel used I know I won't ever get him to change. He has to do that himself or he will always be like this. I can't wait around for him to change or finally want to be with me. He said down the road its possible we could be together again, but right now he doesn't want anything with anybody. He basically wants hookups with not feelings or commitment. Im just so sick and upset. I don't even know what to do. He knew from the beginning I don't like hooking up or hooking up with anyone for sex. I believe in having one partner.

 

I blame his ex before me for all of this . She messed him up so ing bad. She emotionaly/physically/manipulated abused him. I think he doesn't know how to love or be in a relationship.

 

He did tell me he felt like he was being manipulate at a point.

[DoF]

I blame his ex before me for all of this . She messed him up so ing bad. She emotionaly/physically/manipulated abused him. I think he doesn't know how to love or be in a relationship.

 

You still making excuses for him?

 

Look, he is an adult. A grown arse man. HE is the one to blame for engaging and remaining with a physco. That alone should tell you EVERYTHING you need to know about him.

 

Fact that YOU engaged with him, should tell you a lot about YOU.

 

What he wants is simple, all the benefits of a relationship without ANY commitment.

 

I think you were extremely naive and not so smart to EVER get in contact with him again. Keep your ex where they belong, in the past....and away from your life!

[boltnrun]

I asked this on your other thread, but I'll ask again...

 

Why is he possibly losing his scholarship? Is it because of his drug use?

 

No matter how much you "love" someone, if they have a drug habit the drugs will always come first. Take it from someone who thought she "loved" a drug addict...he always, ALWAYS put scoring and using drugs above everything, including me. After we broke up he went to prison because he stole to support his habit.

 

Your future with him is going to be very upsetting if he in fact IS losing important things (such as his scholarship) due to drug use.

[lilygirl]

Ok, time to take a step back and take a breath here. You are still in love with your ex, you believed in him and hoped for the best and now you are disappointed. Been there and it sucks. So now you know that it is over and you can walk away knowing that you this situation is never going to work for you. I know that wondering what happened to him, with his ex, where his head is at, etc probably distracts you from facing the fact that this guy is not the guy you wanted him to be and I get that too because sometimes we really just want a reason or an explanation. I think you have all the information you need here though. There is nothing you can do to change him.

 

He said you were being clingy and you agreed so now you need to process all this and stay quiet while you do it. No more contact. You do not need to be around while he does whatever he is going to do. I am sorry, I know how much it hurts and how disappointing it is.

[emilystyles199]

Yes.. his room mate tried to jump out of the window while they were high on god knows what. So his friend got expelled and he also turned himself in. All I really know is he smokes weed. I don't think his drug problem is that bad, but I never know.

 

He admited he felt like he was being manipulative of me... I guess what I want to know if I should even be friends with him. It hurts me to think to end 3 years of great friendship with my best friend, but I know friends shouldn't do that to each other. Im being told my his best friends and family that he needs someone like me in his life. That doesn't mean relationship, but still being friends. I've had such a positive influence on him. He was always so respectful and loving to me , and he told me I helped him get on a right path, and now he's gotten off of that path.

[emilystyles199]

Thank you for your post. I know I tried. And we talked it all over and he said he still want to be friends. I know he deeply cares about me and when we were together I really helped him get on a good path and that i've always been there and supportive of him (He told me this when we saw each other) It makes me sad thinking about throwing away 3 years of great friendship.. Now that him and I know where we stand should I still be friends with him? He's my best friend, and I know friends aren't suppose to do that with one another.

 

I know one night he had smoked weed and came over. I could tell he was high. I asked him about take things slow and see if we get back into a relationship and he said he would be open and down to try it. I know he was high when he said that, but don't people typically say how they really feel when they are high? Im trying not to find a reason in him to like me, but could it be his subconscious saying that ?

[lilygirl]

I think it is impossible to switch from being partners/lovers to friends. It is possible in some circumstances in my opinion but it takes a long time and a lot of space. So no, I do not think it is possible here especially considering the extent of your feelings for him. I know it is so hard to imagine not having him in your life but for now you need to make your exit.

 

I think people say all sorts of things, high, drunk, sober, whatever, but ultimately it is his actions that count and his actions are not showing you much. He knows you are interested in giving it another shot so I would tell him that you can't sit around on middle ground so you are going to not be in touch and if he changes his mind he knows how to get a hold of you. And then you go away and put the focus on you.

[Batya33]

"We obviously have two different views on what relationships mean"

 

No not necessarily. You might have the same understanding of what an exclusive relationship means but you want one with him and he does not want one with you. Think of it this way -if he wanted to be exclusive with you there is no way he'd want to risk you being snapped up by some other guy because he wasn't clear about his intentions. Fortunately "I want us to be exclusive" or "I want to be your boyfriend" only takes one short sentence. The rest is just excuses and an attempt to evade answering your question so he can continue to play at being a couple when it's convenient for him.

[msbrunette]

I think it's time you stop projecting what you want your relationship to be and you listen to what he's saying to you: he doesn't wants to get back together. He wants to be free to hang out with you and whoever he pleases without it creating problems. Does that sound like something you wish to partake in? Based on your posts, I believe not. You know what you need to do. Excuses are excuses. His grades, drugs, the ex...ect. Really, it's simple : you don't feel the same. Stop wasting more time on this guy who lives so far away. I understand you still love him but you should put that love into someone who's actually interested in being with you. You know what you need to do.

[boltnrun]

Weed doesn't make people try to jump out of windows.

 

I think you are in denial about his drug use. And no, being on drugs isn't like alcohol, where people sometimes reveal their innermost thoughts.

 

Being a "positive influence" doesn't make the other person stop using drugs. I know, my ex's family thought I would be his savior because I work and don't use drugs. But hey, look...he went to prison anyway!

 

Don't use how his family feels about you as an excuse to keep yourself in this unhealthy situation. You stay because you want to, because you are codependent and he makes you feel like you have a purpose in life. He makes you feel needed. But codependency is unhealthy. And again, it doesn't "cure" the other person of their drug use, all it does is drag you down right along with him.

[Hollyj]

"He said he doesn't want a committed relationship right now, " He told you where he was. You were not used.

 

This is all you need to know. He wants to fool around and not be responsible to anyone, yet is enjoying your company, ego stroking and support. Basically, he is getting the majority of benefits of a relationship, with out one. He also gets to sleep with other women, while you wait around to see if he will choose you.

 

It is not your responsibility to help him, only he can help himself. It is very codependent to believe that you are the one to change his ways. Not healthy. Look up co dependency.

 

Ive been here. It is awful, and a waste of time. Find someone who knows what they want and will value you.