Butterflyxx Posted January 12, 2016 Share Posted January 12, 2016 I need closure, and I would like some advice on mine and my ex's relationship, and why he acted the way he did. Side note, he acted like this with his ex girlfriend before me too. When we were together in person, he'd treat me so well. He was so affectionate, and treated me extremely well. His attention would be on me all the time, and he made me feel extremely special. Whenever I was upset he would spend his time to write a nice paragraph saying how much he loved me and why I was beautiful etc for me to wake up to. He would compliment me all the time, give me his jacket if I was cold, pay for me, he'd make me food in the mornings, he'd look me in the eyes with love and he would stay close to me, for example he'd always hold my hand or kiss me etc. We would have sex most times we met up. He'd walk me home and he'd wait until I got into my house before leaving. He acted like this every single time I was with him in person, however when we were away from one another, it was a completely different story. We only saw one another once a week, and at school once a day for a few minutes, but when we were apart I'd always be the one to ask to meet up and he'd always say 'I'll see' which would make me think he didn't want to see me (but would treat me so well when he did see me), he'd spend hours on Xbox with his mates and he'd ignore my messages for hours but was able to message his mates, I often asked him if he wanted to walk home with me after school to spend more time together but he'd make an excuse sometimes, which would always confuse me. He preferred to just see me on Saturdays from 7-11pm. I asked him a lot if he'd want to meet me earlier than that, but he'd always preferred meeting at night. He used to confuse me so much, in person things were absolutely perfect, but when we weren't together it was rubbish. I would often tell him how it made me feel but he'd brush it off and say he liked to wait until the weekend to see me so he could spend more time with me, and he said he was doing the best he could. In addition he never went round my house throughout the relationship, he only met my parents once which was when I went to prom and they were both there. His excuse was that he was scared my parents wouldn't like him. Why did he act so loving and affectionate every single time we were together, but when we weren't he made me feel like he didn't care whatsoever. Link to comment
DoF Posted January 12, 2016 Share Posted January 12, 2016 ACT is the key word. He put on the act for you to get between your legs. You said it yourself, he made NO effort to initiate or schedule ANYTHING. YOU had to do all the work and when you did, he just used your body. Next time, DO NOT get intimate until MONTHS into relationship or you know someone WELL. This takes TIME, LOTS of time. Allow the other party to PROVE to you that they have interest BEYOND sex. Make sure they initiate and invest TIME....LOTS AND LOTS of time....LONG before you are sexual. He is a young horny boy that will tell any girl anything they want to hear to get the cookie. Simple as that. I'm sure just about all the boys are like this. Your goal is to find a guy that is NOT just after a cookie, they are out there, but it requires work, time and effort to sort thru players.....you should know this already. Link to comment
Movingforward3 Posted January 12, 2016 Share Posted January 12, 2016 Let me check my schedule : Xbox with friends Monday thru Friday Hot sex with a girl Saturday 7p-11p Sunday rest and more fun with Xbox Sounds like a great deal for a guy. Not such a great deal for you. Link to comment
Butterflyxx Posted January 12, 2016 Author Share Posted January 12, 2016 Was him being affectionate and caring, telling me he loved me etc all an act to get us to engage in sexual behaviour? Wow I feel stupid. I knew something like this was going on in the back of my mind but I never acknowledged it. He never however got mad if I said I didn't want to do anything or I wasn't in the mood, he'd understand. We used to go on walks together and he'd be so attentive and caring. Did he just play along and use me because he knew most times we'd see one another he'd get something out of it? Link to comment
Movingforward3 Posted January 12, 2016 Share Posted January 12, 2016 Don't feel stupid. People play others for different reasons. His was motivated by sex. He told you what you needed to hear. Just learn to watch actions and what someone does consistently, not just for a bit. Shake it off and learn. Now live! Link to comment
Butterflyxx Posted January 12, 2016 Author Share Posted January 12, 2016 I just can't believe it that it was obvious he used me for sex. I believed that he loved me, and by the way he treated me when we were in person (like a princess), I believed he genuinely cared. Link to comment
Birdie Posted January 12, 2016 Share Posted January 12, 2016 I don't think he used you for sex, but in the future if you're unsure I would hold off until you're ready. I just think he was a high school boy who liked the idea of a girlfriend more than the reality. He wanted fun, not serious commitment. Link to comment
Birdie Posted January 12, 2016 Share Posted January 12, 2016 Also....you've been posting about this guy since July. I really really think you should see if your school has a counsellor you can talk to, to help you move on and cope in healthy ways. Link to comment
Butterflyxx Posted January 12, 2016 Author Share Posted January 12, 2016 I post a lot on here as I feel like it helps me because I like reading other people's stories and it also gives me comfort reading advice. I feel like I'm able to let out my feelings and it helps. Link to comment
mhowe Posted January 12, 2016 Share Posted January 12, 2016 Perhaps you could start a journal then as you already have 40 threads on the same issue and nothing seems to sink in. Link to comment
Butterflyxx Posted January 12, 2016 Author Share Posted January 12, 2016 I was thinking of doing that, it sounds like a good idea. I think I post a lot on here because I love the advice and many people on here have a straightforward opinion on my situation, and sometimes I need to hear the truth of the matter. I think I'm slowly healing, and this site is helping tonnes! Link to comment
Birdie Posted January 12, 2016 Share Posted January 12, 2016 Look up, on google or wherever, rumination and avoidance. These seem to be the behaviours you're engaging in the most as per your posts on these forums in my opinion. That's my personal opinion though and I'm not a professional. It may offer you temporary comfort posting repeatedly, but rumination is not a healthy coping mechanism. This is one stepping stone in learning about living a healthy life. You can look at your break up as a chance to learn from it and move forward, or dwell on it. And I still encourage you to see a counsellor at your school. It's free, private and its someone to listen to you in person if nothing else. Link to comment
Butterflyxx Posted January 12, 2016 Author Share Posted January 12, 2016 What do you mean by rumination and avoidance? And how do I avoid doing that? And I will talk to my school about counselling. Link to comment
Birdie Posted January 12, 2016 Share Posted January 12, 2016 I think point #1 of the following link really applies. Working with a counsellor would be best and help explore learning healthier ways to live your life. Link to comment
Butterflyxx Posted January 12, 2016 Author Share Posted January 12, 2016 I read the article and I completely agree. I just don't know how to accept why we broke up, in the back of my mind I keep thinking that the timing is just wrong and in a few years time we could have worked out. Link to comment
Butterflyxx Posted January 12, 2016 Author Share Posted January 12, 2016 I cannot for the life of me figure out why when we were together everything was perfect, then the times when we weren't together he didn't pay much attention to me, e.g forgetting to reply for hours but able to message other people etc. Why did he act so affectionate in person, but the opposite when we weren't?! I need to understand in order to move on. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted January 13, 2016 Share Posted January 13, 2016 You've spent six months wondering "why, why, why???!!!" That's HALF A YEAR! Please try to find a way to stop this cycle. It's getting you nowhere. Remember, if you change nothing, nothing changes. Apparently you will never "understand". He certainly isn't going to sit down and explain anything to you. So, you can stay stuck for the rest of your life, or you can CHOOSE to move on. Link to comment
Butterflyxx Posted January 13, 2016 Author Share Posted January 13, 2016 You're right. I need to stop and move on. Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.