Why do guys need "space"

[jabean]

Okay, I don't want to draw this out. But my boyfriend started an unexpected fight with me two days before Valentine's. We've been getting along swimmingly up until then. He's been inviting me to do things with his friend's and their girlfriends, etc.

 

Then he starts this fight, freaks out, and flees. Then says he needs space. Not we broke up, not that we didn't. He tells me not to call him. So what is this "needing space?" Should I just assume we broke up? This is driving me mad. I'm hurt, angry, and shocked. ANd I feel completely without any sort of power. He won't answer if I call, and I am getting no explanation.

 

What does it mean? and/or what should I do?

[FuriousSam]

... I feel completely without any sort of power...

 

You want your power back? Stop caring. "The one who care less wins."

[sisterlynch]

He broke up with you out of the blue -- that can mean a lot of things, none of them good...

 

The best thing to do is to treat him the same way that he is treating you. Ignore him, like that other poster said, that will help. I don't know what he is doing, but he isn't caring, is he?

 

You need to take care of yourself and your own feelings. Do the things that you have been putting on hold since he was around...by the time that you are starting to get over him, then he will be back!! 8)

[nikhilgore]

While the others might make sense to you they dont to me. I understand that you are confused but what you should do is just give him some alone time. Call him and leave him a message saying that you understand that he needs space and you respect it and he should call you once hes takena deep breath. After this if he doesnt call within a week then you know its something serious or bad which leaves you two options: Leave or try to understand him. Make sure that we men arent too good at revealing our emotions and when we are under pressure we just push everyone away.

[goddess23]

i think your justified to an explanation. tell him you're fine with him needing space, you were thinking the same thing (lol), but you want to talk about it, and at least know where this is going what are the terms of this so called space. is it like a temporary breakup? do you want this, are you okay with this? maybe it should just be a breakup. but tell him you at least need an indepth convo to put some clarity to the situation.

[hecka_bekah]

If you give him what he wants then I think he'll feel good about his decision at first, but will probably regret it later. He'll respect you for giving him space but at the same time it'll be hard for him if you give him space which can mean meeting new people and doing new things without him!!

 

Give him at least a couple of months. In that time most likely he will want you back. Especially because things were going so well between you too, but it was his decision to end it.

 

Don't show any anger you have towards him. In fact do the opposite. Be your kind self, but know that being kind doesn't mean you have to suffer for his actions. That will make him feel worse since you aren't giving in, but are in fact still happy during your time away from him.

 

I'm not telling you to get revenge. What I'm saying is that he needs to learn for himself in order to realise what he had with you. All you will be doing is respecting his wishes and also respecting yourself.

 

If he does come back, don't be quick to continue what you had before. See if he can handle just being friends. If you move too quickly neither of you will learn from your mistakes. If he can stay friends than that's a good sign, but if he can't then he obviously cannot respect your wishes.... I hope....no I know everything will turn out okay!

[jazn84]

^^^great advice, my ex broke up with me and said never to call again, I want to call in a couple months but i am not sure, its been a month and no call from her, and she has a new BF so thats prolly why, I just hope she relises how impulsive she was =when she broke up with me and remembers our great 4 years together.. Good luck to you and that quote "the one that cares less wins " does make sense. Im gonna remember that.

[jabean]

Well, the tricky part was we never actually broke up. Never said the words. It was like just a fight, for no apparant reason (to me, who know what he's been harboring). Then nothing. No contact. Needs space. Won't answer the phone if I call, and hasn't called me in just about two weeks (tomorrow). I guess this is his "chicken" way of ending the relationship. But geez I thought guys stopped doing this in their 30's. It's hurtful and cruel.

[Kookie]

They never grow up, do they? Of course, I can't say I am any more mature in my age of near 30.

 

Don't play head games and try to win by pretending you don't care when obviously you do. Be direct and be honest (you'll get far more respect and feel good about yourself), but give him what he needs although you're probably burning for an answer. Let him deal with his emotions, but I suggest that you not present yourself as a doormat for him to wipe his feet. Be firm, but let him know that you still like/love him, but you won't tolerate that behavior should he come back ... it's not fair to you. Even if in the end, it's a painful breakup, you'll still have your dignity.

 

Good luck and keep us informed of what happens!

[happythoughts]

Hi there,

 

Let's give this guy the benefit of the doubt and assume he needs space to think. Please give it to him - if you have any chance of getting back together, you need to give it to him.

 

Contain your anger, your tears, your frustration - write it all down instead. He is treating you terribly but he may genuinely need some time and he just CANNOT cope with your emotions right now. Blow up at him later if you need to, but not now.

 

I'm telling you this from expereince. My ex took two months to decide what he wanted after saying he needed space. The thing is, I just couldn't sit on my hands during that time, i kept calling and asking him what was going on, can we talk, telling him how I couldn't function. He knew he was killing me and he felt so guilty but he genuinely needed space, which I couldn't give him because I felt so desperate.

 

Please, just sit on your hands. It's my biggest regret that I pushed - and pushed him away in the end. There's no guarantee my ex would have come round but I certainly didn't help matters! Let him come to you.

[jabean]

Well, I did speak with him on the phone on Friday. Good light convo at first, then I asked if we were "okay". His response was "I don't want to hurt you again, and it seems to be a pattern of mine in relationships." I sought clarification by asking, "So, do you want to see me again?" His response was, "Yeah, I will have a great big hug for you if I run into you at the pub. I want us to be friends." Ugh...the let's be friends line. Oh well. What could I do? I laughed and said "That's bull, you don't have women friends, we both know that." He laughed too. But I guess the bottom line is as much as he liked me he didn't like me enough. I suppose there is nothing else I can do, but brush the dust off, cry for a few, and get over it. It really is such a shocker. Wish I could have gotten a straight answer over what went suddenly wrong, or even have had a break up in person. But I didn't.

[fantasia2004]

... I feel completely without any sort of power...

 

You want your power back? Stop caring. "The one who care less wins."

 

 

oh god! that statement is so true!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[fantasia2004]

I love this post.

 

 

clear and to the point

[bandini]

I feel like I want to call him and ask him what happened.. That guy sucks, if you don't mind me saying so.

[jabean]

Yeah I do too. We are supposed to meet after work today for a quick coctail. I will see if I get any anything. Keep positive thoughts for me.

[jabean]

Nope he chickened out I guess. Left some vague message on my phone about kinda getting the flu from his root canal. How do you get the flu from a root canal? Absurb. Just pi**es me off. If he didn't want to meet he should have said so. UGH...it's so hard to let go. All I wanted was a adult breakup (meaning at least face to face calm conversation), or enough stress relief that we could be friends. I got nothing. Funny how things can go from great to nothing so fast. Not sure I will ever trust another relationship again.

[Mjane]

Jabean,

I've been where you are ... and am sort of there now...

firstly, I'm going to generalize here so don't get mad at me, but some men can't handle conflict... it just is... you can't figure it out and usually it turns out they are messed up... my x broke up with me when he returned from a business trip... the previous week I had some frustrating moments with myself.. but I pushed him away which he didn't like.. did tell me he didn't want to be with someone who reacted that way... oh well.. people do get upset... no one is perfect. His reasoning was he extrapolated the incident and figured he and I would spend the rest of our lives bickering!! I was blown away at how he blew the incident out of proportion, but that's all in his head. It took me a bit to move on because I really liked him and up to that point he and I got along amazing. But alas, there are things out of our control.

The other point I wanted to make is the guy I started dating in January -- I haven't heard from him in more than two weeks -- but he recently found out he's going to lose his job -- so he's stressed. He hasn't answered an email I sent last week -- and while i'm hurt and don't really know what to think because I did not get a warning or explanation.. i figure he's struggling with his pending job loss and needs his space. Before our last date, I hadn't heard from him in 10 days. And when I asked him about it, he said he still wanted to see me, but didn't want to dump his problems on me. I'm hoping he's of the same mindset and I'm not being a fool. But I am dating others to protect my heart. We'll see how this plays out.

[fantasia2004]

Question does kill them with kindness really work? at all?