She's not ready for anything

[Guru Pitka]

I came out of a 5.5 year relationship in August and after a hellish 4 months I managed to move on. In that time I first met Kate who was in a relationship but I was attracted to her regardless. I added her on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook (there was a joke behind that so no it's not creepy) and left it at that. It got to November and i'd heard she had come out of her relationship as it had been on the rocks for a while. At this point it's worth mentioning I am good friends with a friend of hers. I spoke to him and he was keen to get me into their group chat. When he asked if I could join Kate remembered me and was enthusiastic. Once I was added I got talking to her and we hit it off well sharing loads in common and talking about anything in depth. The group decided to go for drinks one night and I joined them but Kate got too drunk by accident and she was a mess. I offered to take her home as I didn't fancy staying out much longer. In the taxi she lent on me and then went in for a kiss. I turned away because she was drunk but then felt bad about turning away (I was drunk also) so we kissed for most of the journey. We got the taxi back to hers and I would walk home because I wanted her to get in safely. Once outside her door she insisted that she came back with me to mine. I told her I wouldn't influence her and if she is 100% certain then she can join me. We kissed some more and then walked back to mine. It ended up being a 2 hour walk but towards the end she had sobered up somewhat. When we were a few minutes from my house she said that she liked me and followed it up with 'that's sober me telling you that as well as drunk me' I told her I liked her as well and she explained how she wasn't ready and uni would get in the way. We got to mine and we both got into bed. I told her on the journey home that we shouldn't 'do anything' because she was drunk and she'd most likely regret it regardless of liking me or not. We cuddled and fell asleep. The next morning we had a laugh about the night before and then I took her home. That night she messaged me and asked how much the taxi was because she felt bad. After we spoke about what happened and I told her about the kissing. She apologised for putting me in an awkward situation and I decided to be honest with her and tell her that I like her. I assured her I understood what she was going through but ended it with 'at least you know where I am with it all' She said that she thought it was a good thing to know and while it was lovely she isn't ready. I said it was fine and we'd take things normally and she said 'yeah. it's a good place to be if anything.' A few days later (NYE) She seemed down and I thought it was because of that night so I ended up spiraling but I spoke to a mutual friend who assured me it wasn't to do with me and she was down about her ex still. He also told me to give her space because she needs it right now. Conversation I think has dipped a bit since then but I am probably over thinking it.

 

My questions are:

- Other than giving her time what should I do?

- Have I done anything wrong?

- What problems would I face if I decided to hold out for her?

- I don't take account to anything that happened on the kissing night as she was drunk but when she said about sober her should I count that?

- what could she mean by the message 'it's a good place to be if anything'? staying friends is a good place? or her knowing how I feel is a good place? or something else?

 

Thanks in advance

[mhowe]

You guys were drunk and made out. She isn't interested in dating.

 

Her comment was "she isn't ready". So, taking things "normally" means you can hang out in the group and be group friends. Not date.

 

The response to "I like you" was --- "good to know". Not a resounding endorsement, is it.

[DoF]

- Other than giving her time what should I do?

 

Stay away from her, no contact. In order for her to heal/recover she will need to be no contact with her ex for good 3-6 months and NO CONTACT with opposite sex (if she is smart of course).

 

Since she has already broken all of that....what does that tell you? RED FLAG!

 

Have I done anything wrong?

 

Yes you have, you engaged and kissed with a person fresh out of long term relationship. Not smart. Red flag for you.

 

- What problems would I face if I decided to hold out for her?

 

You shouldn't hold out for her. Keep dating and see if you can find someone special. Once she heals, she will reach out to you and you start dating her. Remember, you do NOT know this person. You are on a short/first date/fling. That's all!

 

You owe her nothing and there is no obligation.

 

- I don't take account to anything that happened on the kissing night as she was drunk but when she said about sober her should I count that?

 

Doesn't matter, she is fresh out of relationship and not ready for a new one. Not healed. Not recovered. You do NOT want a rebound type of situation.

 

- what could she mean by the message 'it's a good place to be if anything'? staying friends is a good place? or her knowing how I feel is a good place? or something else?

 

Again, doesnt really matter.

 

All I would do at this point is maybe meet her face to face and tell her that you like her BUT you realize that she is out of relationship and know that she needs time and space to heal and recover. Tell her that it's best she stays no contact with you and her ex and in time, when she is ready you would love to hear from her.

 

Meanwhile, keep dating.

 

That's my best advice.

[Boj27]

im kind of in the same situation. I took a girl on 4 dates. even met her parents. everything was going well and she told me she liked me and said i was a really nice guy. got a message a few days ago on Sunday saying shes had some news and doesn't want to date right now. she opened up to me and told me she used to be madly in love with a girl friend of hers, they never dated because when she told her friend she liked her more than a friend, it scared her friend off and they fell out for more than 2 years. apparently the news she got Sunday wasn't news, it was basically that her friend had gotten back in contact with her after all those years. She said she still has feelings for her even though she can't pursue them at all and that it wouldn't be fair for her to date me if she isn't even sure about her own sexuality - shes Bi but she doesn't know if its always going to be that way. she basically asked me for space so she can figure this out.

 

from being given all that information, i've decided im going to date other girls. not worth me getting hung up over it. all i can do is give her time, she knows how to contact me so if she wants to she will in time once shes figured it out. My advice to you would be to date other girls

[Guru Pitka]

In your case you can only really give her space. She needs to work out her sexuality on her own. I've since met up with my girl and we had a really good time together. I spoke to her friend after as well and he said that this summer would be the perfect time to get close with her because she will be back from uni and in a better frame of mind. He told me that she has said that she likes me to him. He also said he could see something developing in the summer. I'm focusing on getting a new job before the summer so I don't stress about that. Good luck with yourself though.