All of a sudden things changed

[illmatic1]

I'm a shy guy who all of a sudden have been building up my confidence to approach females, because i've been told i'm hot by my female friends and have been getting looks from many of them. 6 months ago I was a skinny 6'4 nobody, and since i've started working out and have filled out women have been acting differently around me. I feel somewhat awkward because of it but I welcome it anyhow. At times the only thing holding me back is that I dont feel like a stud because things have changed so quick. In college I get alot of eye contact with beautiful girls, but I think its some other reason they must be looking at me, like maybe its my height or something...although I have repeatedly been called hot by different women.

 

How do i change my mindset to take advantage of my new found life with women?

[Strictly4MyGrind]

Looks aint everything girls may intially be attracted to you for your loks but they have to like you once they get to know you aswell so yeh but its good that your buildin your confidence up one day when you see a girl you like why not go up to her and strat talkin.....?

[passions1]

I can relate to being skinny back then. Then filling out, having confidence, that guys notice me more. All I can say is do keep in mind, that if you're hot looking that there will be people who will not mind using you just for sex or as some kind of object. So don't let these people do this to you unless that's what you don't mind at your age because of this "Sex & City" influence. But if you're looking for depth & substance, then have the courage to smile & approach these ladies. Approaching people is a numbers game, don't be too sensitive if the girl rejects you b/c there could be several reasons, whether she has a bf, too shy, not wanting to meet any new guys, etc. Take the time to build respect & trust in one another before doing anything stupid that you may regret later on. Good luck!

[DropToZero]

I can relate to you too man...I'm still a little bit skinny hah, but yea I do actually have a better built body now. Ever since I started college I started gaining more confidence around other girls and just overall ...being more open. It's not 'perfect' yet...b/c I still need to take my own advice lol. I still have this problem....I guess it comes from the past shy guy I was...and may still be....and I can't seem to get rid of it...

 

Like from that whole post where I am kinda 'arguing points' back and forth in 'modesty/shy. vs. jerk' post....I need to somehow take my own advice. I can seem to 'get' girls in a sense much more easily...meaning I'm having fun talking and making them laugh....but then somewhere along the line...I 'convince' myself that I like her....then the whole 'shy' part sinks back in it seems. There was...and still is this girl I've been flirting with everytime I talk to her....and then like one day last week, I decided to mess with her a little, and get her a rose, but I hadn't actually 'seen' her in a while, just talked on aim. Then when I got to her door to try and surprise her with the rose...as I was about to knock my frickin heart dropped to my stomach and was beating like I was pumped with adrenaline.....it was so messed up. This is a girl that I was having fun with, easy to talk to...and had no problems at all with my confidence around her....then that happens.... Now she wasn't in her room at the time, so I didn't get to 'see' her, but now I'm afraid if this is gonna happen again...I cant even take my own advice!!! arrrghhh....

[traz]

I went through a similar situation, but I was fat instead of skinny. Then over spring and summer, I drastically changed my life, and lost 40 pounds and became a much healthier, fitter, and of course better looking guy. It took me awhile to realise that girls actually found me alot more attractive too...I always, ALWAYS thought that they couldn't find me attractive, so they had to be looking at me for some other reason.

 

Eventually, my self-confidence just got to the level where I could accept that hey, maybe I am actually attractive to some people. It just took some getting used to for me...but I didn't do anything to make it happen.

[ShySoul]

Best way to change your mindset is to stop caring one way or the other. Being a stud isn't anything special or necessary. In fact, is there really a clear definition of what exactly makes someone a stud? Just focus on being you. Look at the facts. Girls are saying you are hot. Girls are giving you eye contact. Something has to be appealing about you. You've already got initial interest, so just go with it. Be yourself and if something happens, that's great. But remember, looks aren't everything. It's who you are on the inside that will determine if anything works out with one of these girls.

[al7]

Could you please elaborate on how to gain confidence?

Any steps? methods? ideas? excerices? Anything that can help?

 

About the girl...what helped me is.. to think this way: ok this girl is too much... too cute, too pretty, or too much of a friend not a gf.

choose wht suits you.

Then tlk to her with this indifferent attitudes...

[al7]

Best way to change your mindset is to stop caring one way or the other.

 

Agree very much.

I am thinking what would help, promote this mindset of "not caring" besides just thinkin?

[hecka_bekah]

It's true that looks only go so far, but at the same time they can be very helpful! Caring about your looks says so much about a person. If you're willing to take the time and effort on your physical attributes then that says that you're dedicated to something!

 

Listen to what these girls tell you. If you don't you'll focus too much on your looks as a way of trying to make you feel more accepted by others. If many girls are physically attracted to you then don't think about that anymore. You've got it covered. Now think about other things in your life you can dedicate your time and effort to.

 

I find that the people who seem to be very vain are the ones who are most insecure with themselves because they see looks as a way of becoming happy. I can tell you aren't like that, but if you continue to dwell on how others see you you will become more insecure with yourself.

 

Don't feel bad about it, WE ALL feel or have felt insecure with ourselves and our looks. I know I do sometimes. This is a great opportunity for you to overcome the negative feelings about yourself! Find out what else you enjoy doing that will shape your personality and strengthen your mental muscles

[al7]

Well...I got an average looks. Main disadavtange is that I look way youngerthan i am supposed to look. But it is ok since in real life you can sense the real age. What I really dwell on is my looks in pics.

I look like a kid... and that just urn off most women online. So I dont even have a chance to go past looks test.

I think I should get better pics. Any idea hwo to take good pics?

and look... older?

How about some art pic - where I can "glue" my pics and say dolphins pics to get a better idea what I like?

[ShySoul]

al7,

 

Not caring isn't something you can really work on or train for. It's something that you just have to do. Whenever you begin to wonder what other people think, just stop yourself and ask if what they think is really important or if your fine the way you are. Keep doing that enough and eventually it will just become second nature.

[hecka_bekah]

al7,

 

If you're insecure with your looks then changing something about your appearance like getting a new hair cut or adding to your wardrobe can do wonders for your self confidence. For example, I knew a guy who bought a shirt that looked a little tighter on him then the shirts he usually wore and girls that he knew noticed him because it looked like he was a little bigger than he really was...lol. Subtle changes like that can do a lot for your physical appearance.

 

But if you don't want to change your physical appearance than that's great too! That means that your own style is a reflection of your personality.

 

Okay, so what if you're having trouble trying to find your own style? Think of the good qualities you have in your personality. What will reflect that? And when I say style I don't mean try to look fashionable. Wear whatever you want to wear, but at least you'll know what you not only feel comfortable in, but what makes you feel good about your physical appearance.

 

It's so sexy for a guy to have his own style even if he knows nothing about fashion! He can be the average guy with the average clothes, but becomes very interesting because he has no shame in what he looks like. It goes back to self confidence. How you feel reflects the way you look.

 

What about how young you look? I look young for my age too but this is a good thing when it comes to the aging process lol! How old are you anyway? You may look young, but there are some changes you can make to look older in your photos. Like I said, a different haircut or a different shirt can do a lot. If you get a better idea of your own style then you'll attract girls who are attracted to a personality they think reflects that look. Don't go dressing a certain way to get attention and then get the wrong kind of attention. Be yourself and enhance what you've got.

 

These things can help, but what's most important is first accepting what qualities you already have before making any changes. That way you won't lose sight of who you are while making those changes.

 

I hope you find what you're looking for!

 

Rebekah

[al7]

al7,

 

Not caring isn't something you can really work on or train for. It's something that you just have to do. Whenever you begin to wonder what other people think, just stop yourself and ask if what they think is really important or if your fine the way you are. Keep doing that enough and eventually it will just become second nature.

 

Appples to apples, ok... "not caring" is not somehting I can do. It is a an attitude, a belief, a mindset...I have hard time understanding how I can "do" attitude".

Anyway, it is about words.. lets see:

 

"stop yourself and ask if what they think is really important"

Sure I do that all the time. My logical answer is: No, it is not important. But I still feel that "fear": she is really important since for example I cant find such a good girl again...or cuz she is pretty..

Something just makes me go back in that thinking process.

Every time I try to convince myself what they (she) think is not taht important, I find many counterexamples why it still is important.

I just have to stop that "other" thinking thread that thwarts it all.

Any idea how to deal with it?

[al7]

Sure I agree a better style is... better The thing is I have no idea what style makes me look older... ok, today I grow some beard.. hm, but again I am not sure if it looks ok - my mirror can't talk..

 

Obviously for girls to look young is a good thing. FOr guys is it not good at all. in fact it is better to look older and thougher.

Any _practical ideas_ where I can find styles\hair cuts etc etc that makes me look older in a pic?

[illmatic1]

thanks for all the replies guya and gals it was much appreciated, and i will use your advice

[hecka_bekah]

You're welcome illmatic1. Good luck with the ladies

 

al7,

 

Hey if you're willing to look through a magazine to find a hair cut you may like, then that would be a good idea. Of course you can always have a little bit of facial hair so you look older, but still have a clean cut look. Just pick a cut that you'll totally feel comfortable with. After all change takes time! Magazines can also be helpful when it comes to picking out nice clothes to wear. You can also look at mannequins to help you pick out entire outfits that coordinate if you have absolutely no idea what to do. You can also ask stylish friends for advice. I don't know what else to say. I hope this helps!

 

Rebekah

[al7]

al7,

 

Hey if you're willing to look through a magazine to find a hair cut you may like, then that would be a good idea. Of course you can always have a little bit of facial hair so you look older, but still have a clean cut look. Just pick a cut that you'll totally feel comfortable with. After all change takes time! Magazines can also be helpful when it comes to picking out nice clothes to wear. You can also look at mannequins to help you pick out entire outfits that coordinate if you have absolutely no idea what to do. You can also ask stylish friends for advice. I don't know what else to say. I hope this helps!

 

Rebekah

 

That makes sense - I just realized I have never even looked at fashion magazines and mannequins were just some funny headless creatures for me...

 

Just curious: a girl seem wants a guy with a great sense of style. Girls look at a guy, and if he dressed is not cool, well... they will not go on a date with him or give him a number. No chance if he is not dressed acording to current style.

 

For guys, it doesnt work: if a girl is pretty but in some rags, it doesnt matter: guys do not consider clothes as something really important: they will do the girl. But at the same time guys are visual creatures and dont not care about clothes??...and women seem go for guys personality and earning power which are not visual... but clothe saspect is super important for them.

Why?

[ShySoul]

Al7,

 

You don't do attitude. Attitude simply is. I've noticed on your posts you always want step by step guides on how to do certain things. Unfortunately, life doesn't come with an instruction manual. There is no clear guidelines for how to get from point A to point B. Truth is, most people just muddle there way through until they end up where they want to be, or give up trying. The best advice I can give is to stop trying so hard. The fear you talk about is natural. But you need to be able to tell when such fear is rational and when it's not. If it's rational, listen to it. If it's not push it aside and don't let it bother you. You won't be able to get rid of the fear, but you can understand how to ignore it at times. Personally, I still get those fears myself. But I can tell when those fears are justified and when they are not. It comes down to knowing who you are and always sticking to that. That's not to say you won't get the desire to go along with everyone else or find what the majority thinks is important, but above all else, to thine own self be true.

[al7]

Al7,

 

1. You don't do attitude. Attitude simply is.

 

2. I've noticed on your posts you always want step by step guides on how to do certain things. Unfortunately, life doesn't come with an instruction manual. There is no clear guidelines for how to get from point A to point B.

 

3. But you need to be able to tell when such fear is rational and when it's not. If it's rational, listen to it. If it's not push it aside and don't let it bother you. You won't be able to get rid of the fear, but you can understand how to ignore it at times.

 

1. It sounds good though I am sure you acquire attitude somehow, you were not born with it. Right? So there is a way to adopt a new attitude.

Maybe it is not easy and not stratighforwrd but there is a way I am sure...

 

2. All I know I can put iin a manual. Step by step.

Some people have good skills but they are either lazy to describe or just dont want to share teh knowledge...or maybe just not very good at describing things, since they dont want to put some efforts (right, why would they? I wont give them any money for their advice...)

 

3. Thats easy. But what if The fear is irrational I can say that and it just prevents from thinking clearly and acting freely without any kind of "being stuck" accidents? How can I deal with such fear?

It is not enough just to say "Hey, you, fear, you are irrational... so you dont exist". It still does exist...

[hecka_bekah]

al7,

 

That's a good question. Just think, why would you want to be around a girl who's just going to dismiss you completely on the appearance of your clothes? What someone wears does have big effect on how others see that person, but if a girl is not even willing to get to know a you as a person then you shouldn't try hard to get to know her because she values looks too much. I don't know about you, but I wouldn't want to hang around someone who I felt pressured to look my best around.

 

I could be wrong, but I'm guessing that many women focus so much on style mostly because it's a way to compete with other girls. Off course girls get dressed up to attract the opposite sex, but would they really continue to since most guys don't pay much attention to what the girl is wearing as much as just how she's wearing it?! Guys are visual when it comes to that. Girls like the details behind the looks. What's exactly in fashion, how much they got the clothes for, where they bought them, etc. This is because it shows that they put much thought into what they wear. It shows that one girl can be more fashionable than another. I'm not saying all girls are like this, some just don't care. But many compete when it comes to appearance because they all want attention and want to feel beautiful. Every human desires love, they all just have different ideas of how to get it. There are similar qualities we all look for, but they can be easily forgotten in a society where beauty practically means everything.

 

About a guy still being attracted to a girl that wears "rags".....I would like to say that if the guy didn't judge her, others most likely will. People's decisions are highly based on others' opinions. It is true that most people are followers. It's just our nature to follow. So what others think could have an effect on the guy's decision. Plus, wouldn't a guy want a girl to look good in front of his parents, boss, or fellow employees? Maybe not you, but that's just a thought. Everyone's different so you're going to get a different answer everytime.

 

Just try not to worry about what many girls are like when it comes to looks because you're not trying to get every girl, only one that best fits you, right? If you want to make some physical changes than that's great. But try and remember what you're all about so you don't lose sight of what kind of girl you're looking for.

 

Rebekah

[hecka_bekah]

I just wanted to add to what al7 and ShySoul are discussing....

 

You know the saying "Once an alcoholic always an alcoholic"? You can replace "alcoholic" with so many other things people gravitate towards. If someone accepts their weaknesses, that's one step towards finding themselves and the scary thing is that many people spend most of their lives denying their own problems. After one accepts who they are, both the positive and the negative, they've gotten to the point where they know they cannot change the negative, but can ignore it and do something positive to forget about the negative. This is just something WE ALL deal with!

 

I know my problem is that I am a very emotional person which means many of the decisions I make are often based on my emotions! That can be scary! I need to control my emotions by first realizing how much of a problem they can be, which I'm in the process of doing. Secondly, I need to ignore them since they are always going to be there! That's just a big part who I am! But another part of me can ignore these emotions. I can feel a certain way, but I don't have to act on it! It's not a matter of limiting my self awareness, quite the contrary. Basically what this conversation focus on is the fact that someone's outlook cannot be created by getting other's advice. It can only be created by controlling or not controlling perception of self and others.

[al7]

1. Oh dont be toughe on women I've figured out if a woman looks at a pic of a guy, and DOESN'T like his clothes, thats it. She is going to dismiss him solely on his style basis. I dont know about real meeting though.

So I basically discuss one case here: when a woman judge a guy by his pic, she always pay enormous attenation to his clothes.

Why???? Why not to his face, that would make more sense to me.

 

2. Ok, I think it makes sense. But why girls pay so much attention to guy's clothes??

Guys do not care that much abut women style.

 

3. Yes, again it does make sense: everyone wants to be good. But I look from a different angle here: why would I want my boss (fellow, parents) to like appearance of my gf? Do i need that? For what? To extrac some envy from the boss\fellow guys? I dont need that. I'd prefer my parent to like her personality since they are gonna deal with it, not her looks!

Right?

 

So what you are saying does make sense, but it also generate lots of new questions......

[al7]

....the fact that someone's outlook cannot be created by getting other's advice.

 

It can only be created by controlling or not controlling perception of self and others.

 

Oh really? So I am wasting my time trying to figure out what suits me and what not?

Actually I took some advice, I did some changes and..it worked!

 

So what are method of controlling perceptions of others?

Let say I wear some "rags", how can I control others to make them believe I am a cool guy with a style? Is it possible?

[hecka_bekah]

I just wanted to say that I'm not being tough on women....after all I am one lol. Both guys and girls can be competitive one way or another. It's in our nature.

 

About women paying so much attention to clothes....that's like asking why do men focus so much on the body and face of a woman? The fact is that everyone is different and has different preferences. If you disagree with some of them then you shouldn't have to worry about what others think. I like the quote, "it's not what the world holds for you, but what you bring to it." Bring in your own ideas, not what others think beauty should consist of.

 

Lastly I'd like to reword what I said in a previous post a little differently so you can get a better idea of what I meant. Other's opinions can matter somewhat, but if you soley rely on that it can create an outlook of the the world. An outlook ultimately comes down to yourself and you're own view of life and not others. We are all made differently so we cannot try to fit into one single mindset that our society has molded.

[al7]

 

About women paying so much attention to clothes....that's like asking why do men focus so much on the body and face of a woman? .

 

Oh thats fine if women like clothes. What I wonder is why they also want a guy who dresses well? Why guy's clothes are so important for women?

 

as an analogy: many guys love cars. But they do not care about women's cars...