Finally she lets guard down then disappears. What happened?

[frogman]

A month ago, I wrote a little about my situation:

 

link removed

 

Basically, I dated a woman for a long time, took her for granted, broke up with her, and afterwards regretted it. I've done what I could to get back with her and she tells me that although she still loves me, she's afraid because she couldn't "make me love her enough before" and is afraid to get hurt again. We're in different cities since we broke up and she always talks about how it would be different if we were living in the same city. She's moving here this summer.

 

We've had periods of no contact and periods where I continued to make contact and she usually responded positively, but guardedly. I continued it despite her not taking the initiative thanks to advice from this board.

 

Finally a couple of weeks ago, she called me on her own initiative (after drinking) for the first time since we broke up over a year ago. She wanted to know why it didn't work before. She apologized for ignoring me sometimes and told me how much she missed and thought about me every day. Finally, I broke down and offered to come up to see her. She told me she's really messed up right now and can't be in a relationship but that she loved me and wanted to see me.

 

When I got there, everything seemed right back to normal. We hadn't seen each other for eight months, but she talked about how it seems like it's only been a week. I spent the night there, we were intimate (at her urgring), and we were very open about how we were feeling and what went on in the time apart.

 

We both agreed that we shouldn't be in a relationship right now because of the distance and because she is a mess emotionally (I've never really seen her like this), but that we would start spending some time together and talking more.

 

I decided to let her take the initiative this time and during the last couple weeks, she would email me and IM, signing her emails "love." Still she never called me-- when I was up there she said she wanted to, but was scared to because she felt out of control.

 

So, last week during an IM, she told me how she was going to watch her ex (before me) play in a hockey game, I lost my temper. I basically told her off for playing with my emotions and playing games. Afterwards, I emailed an apology because I blew it out of proportion, but it worried me that she was going to seem him (although she says she talks to him only once in a while and she only considers him a friend). This is uncharacteristic of me; when we dated, she sometimes wondered why I didn't get jealous. She didn't respond to the email apology, so I called her a couple nights ago and left a message just saying hi, but she hasn't called back.

 

So, I'm really left at a loss. Why would she come on like that and tell me how much she needed and loved me, albiet somewhat cautious, and now drop off the face of the earth? Is she just messing with my head and using me as security blanket or could she really be this scared? Should I just drop it and let her make the next move?

 

This confuses me so much-- I'd appreciate any thoughts of what could possibly be going on. It would be so much easier if she just told me that she couldn't see us together because this uncertainty drives me nuts.

[AngelOfDarknes]

maybe shes back with her ex.who knows...dunno leave her a message, saying like "i want u to respond by end of this week or whatever, if u want me to still talk to you" and if she dosent that means she dosent want to talk to you anymore. maybe u scared her by the way you acted lol who knows..

[arwen]

Hey frogman,

 

I think that you blowing up at her because of her visiting a game of an ex, might have put her off. I understand you really want her back, but as you took her for granted in the past, you cannot expect that she is going to be back with you this easily.

 

Instead of attempting to restrict her in her ways (as far as I understand, you are not in a relationship with her this moment, right?), you should chase her in a romantic way. I know you try to be like really careful and let it come from her, but why not show her you want her back by romancing the girl? And by romancing I mean showing her the exact opposite of what you have been to her in the past. And I don't mean just in the bed-department

 

If you want her back, the only way will be to change the way you treat her and show her you really love her.

 

Good luck and sweep the girl of her feet!

 

Ilse.

[frogman]

You're right-- I have to earn her back because she's said she's scared that I'll do it again. Still, I tried to sweep her off her feet before and she said she felt too pressured. I think she just wants things to be fun and normal-- nothing dramatic.

 

How do I show her I really love her without all the "sweeping off her feet"? I would like to do it by being there for her, but this recent turn of events confuses me. She goes from being standoffish by flirty for months to calling me and saying how much she loves and misses me for a week or so and now I haven't heard from her for a week.

 

Should I lie low for a while? What do you think she's thinking? Do you think she's changed her mind that quickly? It's weird because she's always said (even after we broke up) that she thinks we're meant to be together. When I saw her last, it was the first time she didn't say that. She said that she loved me, but that she didn't know because it didn't work out the first time and she's worried we've hurt each other at this point. We dated for several years so it's weird that a two weeks ago she says she loves me and thinks about me every day, she continues contact, and then just disappears.

 

Do you think she's was lying to me? Or using me because she just felt lonely? Or do you think she's testing me in some way or sorting things out. It's tough because I care for her but don't want to be made a fool of.

[arwen]

Hey frogman,

 

Sounds like your mind is going in all directions! I can not mind-read your ex, neither can you. I do know how this feels, I have been there many times 8) ...

 

Anyway, I think that she was just really put off by you being angry because of that match. I know I would be. So, I would back off for a bit now. Don't give up, she has shown on many occasions that she really loves you.

 

Getting back together is really a complicated thing. First of all, if you DO get back together it will be really hard to avoid the patterns of the relationship that caused the break-up in the first place. That is why you should show her you really changed.

 

In fact, I think it's really sensible of her to be a bit cautious here. She keeps her options open, and just wants to see how a friendship develops first. This is much more sensible than I have been in the past in similar situations. However, you want her back!

 

You could back off for now, for like a couple of weeks. You can send her a written letter saying that you regret what happened, and the way you acted. I think it will be most important that you 1. explain the emotion behind that (just admit that you were jealous) and 2. explain why you know you were in the wrong there.

 

It is just an idea. I try to place myself in her shoes, but obviously it's only guessing.

 

take care and try to calm down,

 

Ilse.

[frogman]

Thanks Ilse! I needed a slap in a the face and "whoah, get a hold of yourself man!" After a good night's sleep, some exercise, and your advice, I'm much calmer.

 

I think you're right-- she's either angry at me for getting mad at seeing her ex or for telling her that I think she's playing with my emotions.

 

I'll back off for a while and then see how it goes from there.