Well, he left....

[grneyz0724]

I posted end of last week, wondering if I was asking to much for my boyfriend who has been staying at my apartment every day since about October, to help with some bills. Well, I did tlak to him and he agreeded to pay to pay the phone/DSL and electric bill. Well I got the electric bill yesterday, and it is for the past three months. I got laid off from my full time job) in December (thank god I had a part time thing as a server at a bar and grill nearby, but that in now wasy makes up for a regular salary)and was really struggeling, so I put it off, comcentrating on making sure there was food in the house and so on. (I have a 6 year old son whom I take care of with no help from his real father) I brought the bill up today and said I thought him paying half of the bill would be fair. My thinking was that since has been here and used it for more then those three months, helping was fair. (after all, he did agree to start paying it) I said half because of the size of the bill since I had put it off. He said he'd pay half but didn't agree that it was fair. Well, that upset me, because I am not trying to squeez him for money. He lives here, but says he doesn't technically because his address is still at his parents. He has literally been here EVERY night since October. At the end of our argument today, he said it was like he had to pay to be in the relationship. I would never do that, I just thought half was fair. So, he decided that instead of helping, he'll go back to his parents (where he pays nothing). I am really hurt that he would rather leave me, then help. Am I wrong here for wanting what I think is fair? A good friend of mine says he is being selfish, self-centered, and packing up and leaving was just plain mean. We would have been together a year this Friday.

 

Lastly, I have been working two jobs to make ends meet. Two, while he works is one and spends his money one his truck and so forth.

[raggamuffin]

It is fair to expect that if he is using electricity, water, whatever that he should have to pay his fair share especially since he has been there practically since october. It may be that he doesnt have to pay anything at his parents house but you are not his mother and shouldnt have to support him. He is a grown man and needs to accept that when you "live" with someone you have to contribute to the house hold.

 

He should still give you money regardless of him not being there anymore, he used the electricity he should pay for some of it.

 

As for struggeling to find the money, prehaps you could ring the electricity company and ask if you can get an extention on the date the bill is due or if you can pay some now and some later. Just so you dont get hit with hefty overdue fines.

 

Your friend is right, but I understand that it must be hurting you a lot. Best wishes.

[Iceman26]

I think this guy has put up a huge red flag that you shouldnt ignore. Your friend is right about the way he is and if I were in your situation, I would seriously be reconsidering that relationship.

[DN]

In a previous post I asked whether the money he gave you to pay a debt of yours was a loan or a gift. There were a number of other questions about who pays for other things in your relationship such as dates, car expenses when you go out etc. I noted at the time that you did not answer them.

 

The way your post reads now is seems to me that you are more upset about the money than losing the relationship. I suggested that you negotiate and compromise, did you do that or just tell him, more or less, that he should pay half the bill? How did you arrive at that figure? You say you have a 6 year old son. Does your son not use electricity?

 

It seems to me that you think that because you are struggling and have a son, that gives you a moral right to demand help and support. Demanding things, openly or by insinuation, is not a good way to manage a relationship. Negotiating and compromising are far more effective.

 

To dismiss out of hand his comment that he feels he has to pay to stay in the relationship is hardly giving respect to his point of view. The fact that he made that comment is an indicator about how you approached him about this whole deal.

 

If this relationship is truly over, I would suggest you think carefully about what you want from a future boyfriend and how to approach him about getting it.

 

I am sorry if this seems unsympathetic, it is not meant to be, for I am sorry for what has happened. But I believe you will run into trouble in any relationship if you approach sensitive matters such as these in a similar way.

[grneyz0724]

Dear DN,

Regarding other posts and questions you asked, I did not see any, not sure where you posted them.

 

As for how my post reads, let me make it plain.

 

He has "lived" here since October. His mail still goes to his parents, but he is here every day, every evening. His stuff (clothes, computer, TV, etc.) are here as well. To me and anyone else, that is living here. My compromise was for him to pay the electric and phone/DSL bill. It was very hard for me to bring up the topic at all, I've been holding back for a few months now.

 

It isn't money, it is the point of it all. If I was living with someone, there is no way I could just go about my life while they paid for everything (electric, rent, phone, etc.) If I use them to, I should contribute. To me it is about common courtesy.

 

As for my son. He is 6! What kind of comment is "does he not use electrity?" Give me a break. We are talking about adults here. I, in no way think that just because I have a son that I deserve anything. I have worked my butt off being a single parent, so don't go there. I do however, don't like worrying about things like rent and household bills when there is someone in my house, lving off it all, and not contributing. How is that right.

 

Lastly, I made no demands. It took, me a couple months to even broach the subject. I brought it up to see how it would go, and it ended with him preferring to walk out then work something out.

[OceanEyes]

Hey again grney,

 

This is the post that DN is referring to:

 

 

 

I also asked you a couple of questions to get a better idea of your situation, but you didn't respond. I think both DN and myself are a bit confused as to the "bigger picture". What I've kind of been wondering about is how the rest of the money has been, and is, managed. I agree that he should be pitching in, but it really depends on how much by how you answer the questions above.

[DN]

My post read:

 

Whoa, hold on a bit everybody!!

 

Freeloader, immature, etc!! Easy to criticise. But look at the post.

 

It is not his fault or responsibilty that you got laid off twice..

 

He helps pay for food. How much does he pay? His share or more?

 

He helped out with a loan. How much? Did he loan you the money or just pay it without expecting anything back?

 

How much of his stuff is there? What sort of stuff is it? For instance, you mention the TV - do you watch it as well? Do you use any of his other stuff?

 

Who pays for dates etc. when you go out? Do you contribute to that equally or is he the one paying most of the costs most of the time?

 

Who suggested that he stay over so much and leave his stuff there?

 

Did you ever discuss splitting expenses?

 

He lives with his parents but does he pay any of the bills there.

 

He has bills you said. Car expenses, I imagine. Do you use his car all the time when you go anywhere. ? If so, have you offered to pay any of the expenses for that? Gas, for instance?

 

I have no idea, nor does anyone else on here, about the details of your relationship status and the state of both financial situations. But let's be careful about calling someone a freeloader until you have considered all the factors in the equation.

 

Some one said, wisely, that you should discuss this issue with him. But if you want him to help with rent and household bills then you are moving into the sort of relationship where all the costs related to that relationship should be considered. Not just the ones you pay.

_________________

nil carborundum illegitimi

 

I am not in the least saying you do not look after your son. I am saying he is your son not your boyfriends. And some of the costs of running a household are incurred by children. I know, I had two daughters living with me until adulthood and can measure the difference in the bills.

 

It's ok to get indignant with me, you don't care whether I get upset or not (I don't). But your indignation with your boyfriend has damaged your relationship - I assume you care about that.

[DN]

OceanEyes is quicker on the draw than I am!!

[annie24]

hmmm... the money issue doesn't bother me as much as the "unofficial living together." I don't want to sound judgmental, but if I had a kid, I wouldn't want a man moving in, officially or unofficially, unless he made some type of commitment to me and my son. It sounds like he's had one foot in and one foot out. So, I don't know... if he's walked away, let him. It doesn't sound like this was "the one" for you anyways.

[grneyz0724]

Ok, here are the answeres:

 

With food, he pays less then half and sometimes not at all.

 

I will not say how much the loan is, but it was not a gift and I am paying it back monthly.

 

His things that are here include; his computer (he chose to bring out), his TV and TV stand, (both of which he also offered without me asking). Yes I watch the TV, but he sits on my couch and at my dining room table, I think getting that picky is childish.

 

His staying here just happened more or less.

 

No, he pays nothing at his parents, not rent, not utilities, not food.

 

He drives more then me because he wants to, and yes, I have helped with gas when we've gone to visit his friends out of town. Also, we don't go out all that much. I do pay as much as possible, I am not a mooch. To be, it is a do onto others thing.

 

I hope this answers some of your questions. I have always been uncomfortable talking about money, with anyone. I would never want or ask for something that I wouldn't do myself.

[DN]

It may be childish but you raised the matter of his stuff. But I like little kids so I shall enjoy their company.

 

Anyway, judging by your answers, then I think you were right and he was wrong. He should have paid his way.

 

Now he has gone, I stand by my previous advice to make sure that future relationships are based on more of a mutual understanding.

[grneyz0724]

hmmm... the money issue doesn't bother me as much as the "unofficial living together." I don't want to sound judgmental, but if I had a kid, I wouldn't want a man moving in, officially or unofficially, unless he made some type of commitment to me and my son. It sounds like he's had one foot in and one foot out. So, I don't know... if he's walked away, let him. It doesn't sound like this was "the one" for you anyways.

 

Annie,

I didn't just let him walk into a relationship with my son, it has evolved over the year. He has taken an active roll in his life. He has done so and never waivered. It wasn't because I pushed it, I would never do that. It was because he wanted to, because all of us were becoming closer, because he wanted to help him grow up to be a good man (his words.)

[DN]

grneyz0724 I hope that you have not won a Phyrric victory here. You said in a previous post that you loved him and did not want to lose him over this, and yet that is what has happened. For your own future peace of mind, I urge you to consider carefully whether you could have handled this in a way that would have got what you wanted without losing the relationship.

 

It may well be that after a while you will find that you are actually better off without him and can move on to a happier life. But if you want to see if the relationship can be saved, then an attempt to find an amicable solution with him may be worthwhile.

 

Good luck and I hope all turns out for the best.

[grneyz0724]

Good luck and I hope all turns out for the best.

 

Thank you

[Mun]

I believe that if he wanted to stay in the relationship with you then he would have tried to come to an arrangement on the bills and stuff...maybe based on a percentage? something like that. The fact he started saying things were not fair and then left says something else. You have two jobs so it's not like he can say that you were living off of him or trying to stick him with all the bills. To me it sounds like he was not very committed to you all and as soon as you wanted equal he bailed.

 

I guess the lesson here is not let someone move in until you have decided how expenses will be shared--and if they start bringing their stuff over: Time to have that talk. Good luck for next time.