I agreed to give her space and then the unthinkable happened...

[robbeebobbee]

Dear Friends,

Current status: Break up date 11/11/2015, in week 5 ( for privacy reasons I am changing the name of my Ex to Leslie)

Going back 4 months ago, My friend Leslie(age 49), who I (age 48) have known each other for over 30 years, called me out of the blue and we started talking. We made plans to go to a movie. We kind of had a thing for each other but never really did anything about it until now. We spent more time together and started going out and doing things more. Eventually the question was raised by her " Are we officially dating? ", I said " I kinda like the idea ! " So we agreed to become a couple. This went on for 3 months. Keep in mind we both had our share of failed relationships. In the beginning it was total bliss. We would take trips to the lake, danced at my cousin's wedding reception, had funny inside jokes. We made promises to each other that we would always be together, that we would always belong to each other. I had some health issues and she had her share of her own, she even went to the doctor appointments with me, and helped me get into swimming and exercising.

The sex was good but not great, I have type 2 diabetes and am also taking medicine for that, high blood pressure, and cholesterol medicine in addition to the metformin for the blood sugar maintenance. This did cause issues because it affected my erections and the protein leaving my urine affected the skin on my penis. After speaking with a nurse I found out my blood pressure meds may have also been a factor (sorry for being so blunt!) The low dose cialis did help but would not last. Bummer because those pills are not covered under most insurance plans.

She did not entirely approve of my living situation either, I have 3 daughters and 4 grand children. My second oldest daughter, her husband, and I went together and had a house built. I pay the mortgage, they take care of all the bills, I contribute $600 a month for groceries, household needs, etc. Keep in mind that Leslie(my now ex) was living in her parent's home after a failed living arrangement with her previous boyfriend.

I continued to see Leslie, staying at her place on weekends and during the week sometimes. We had even talked about marriage, picking out wedding rings on Overstock.com.

All in all, I wanted to find a way that I could separate from my current living situation so that Leslie and I could have her own place. This is not something that would happen overnight and would take months of planning and preparations on what could be done. She came over for dinner about a month ago for the last time. She did not look like her self. She had these horrible fake eyelashes on, her hair was done in a way that I had never seen it before, and her make up and clothes were just awful, quite frankly she looked like a . After dinner, we went down stairs for alone time(hint hint) the grandkids were still awake and running around upstairs making a bunch of noise during this process. In the middle of everything, she stopped and said " I cannot do this ". I wanted to go back to her place with her so we could continue and she would not let me. We had a brief conversation and she told me that her parents would be back from Florida in 5 months and that what we had was only Temporal. I asked" but don't we agree that we are always going to be together?" She said yes, but she was not sure about all of this. We agreed that we would go to dinner and dancing the following weekend....That did not happen....That was the last time I saw her and spoke with her directly.

The next evening after I got home from swimming, she started sending Facebook messenger texts stating that she wanted to end the relationship, that she got involved with me too soon after her last failed relationship and that she needed time to heal. Of course, she wanted to remain friends with me. I simply stated " I respect your decision and I need to come and get my things. I proceeded to her home to pick up my things from her front porch, she would not see me in person, nor was there ever a phone conversation.

Needless to say I was devastated. During our relationship, she had made friends with my family members on facebook(she lives for it!)

Immediately after the breakup I texted my family not to contact her or like any of her posts, some did not listen. I contacted my youngest daughter( age 23) by telephone since she was not always reachable, she has had her own set of issues and problems to deal with. (a baby and a babydaddy that went astray) I was working a " Get your Ex Back " program and keeping my distance with No contact.

I was still complaining and still trying to cope with my loss though, trying to find answers and wondering if I was doing the right thing.

Two weeks into my break up my cousin suggested that I try to open the lines of communication with her and let her know that I was thinking about her. It seemed to work after I had sent her a text on facebook. she said that she was thinking of me also and that hoped that I was ok. Really I was dying inside but I did not want it to seem that way. I said " we should talk sometime " , she said " I would love that! "

Now I have a decent relationship with my Exwife( my daughter's mother) she was also ticked off at the way the way the break up was handled by Leslie. She was willing to help me. My Exwife said that if I ever needed any help that she would glad to do it! Leslie mentioned before our break up that she wanted the engagement ring, that we had been looking, at for Christmas. I asked my exwife if she could give me a loan to cover it until I received my bonus in the spring. She said if she has it that she would do it! This was mentioned to my youngest daughter and she flipped out!

 

Now the unthinkable part...

My youngest daughter came to my house to watch my grand kids. While she was there, she had a two hour exchange on Facebook messenger on everything that I was trying to do (30 day no contact, asking my ex for money for a wedding ring, etc). There were more truths and reasons exposed in the conversation that should have been discussed between Leslie and I and not with my daughter!!!! My 2nd oldest daughter and I found about this as my youngest daughter left the entire conversation open on an IPAD for God and everyone to see.

I was sunk, out of luck, everything that I was trying to do was dashed! Now not only am I not going to have Leslie in my life for the rest of my life, my friendship with her seems to be ruined for all eternity!!!! I was stupid, I got desperate, I started sending texts about the painful exchange that took place. I explained that I was trying to give her space that eventually I wanted to work things out with her. I was making statements about how good we were together and that we always would be there for each other. All was met with opposition, She felt that my 2nd oldest daughter had control of my life and that I would never have a woman in my life that I could please. Needless to say, Thanksgiving was a nightmare. there was still messaging going on between my daughters and Leslie, their aunt even got involved by asking Leslie to leave the family alone.

All through this I have not seen her or had one single telephone conversation with her. I have de-friended Leslie on Facebook and have deactivated my account! The next Monday while I was getting ready for work, she asked for her piano keyboard and stand back to leave those items on the porch. I sent her a text at the end of the day agreeing to bring the rest of her things. That was the last I heard of her...

I am back in no contact and am continuing the work outs and continuing to work on myself.

It just hurts so bad that my own family members destroyed my chance of ever having Leslie back in my life, even as a friend. I really miss her and I really screwed up things bad. I never knew that the pain could be so intense. Still wondering if I will ever have a chance with her. I feel like I was not given enough time to prove my love for her. The promises that were made, turned out to be all lies. All I want to do is communicate with her but I know she has to be super pissed off. I want to reach out to her after the next 30 days are up, but I think that leaving her alone is the best option. Looking forward to your comments or guidance if any at this point.

[Clarisse]

Buying an engagements ring as a Hail Mary to save a floundering relationship, was a bad idea anyway. It was likely doomed even without the involvement of your family (which is very, very, weird and unhealthy, by the way).

 

Living with your adult children and grandchildren while trying to carry on an budding romantic relationship sounds pretty much impossible. My advice would be to get out of the house and on your own before you start dating again.

 

As for this woman, I agree that you should leave her alone. And tell your daughters and aunt to butt out. That's just crazy.

[Knot2loud]

Ugh... That's a dilemma if I ever heard one. What would I do? Get my own place - which doesn't seem to be an option for you anymore. Make a separate FB page completely private from family or hit up one of those other social media type sites and create a page on one of them. This lady seems a little flakey anyway, but she is what she is. I agree with Clarisse... Leave her alone.

[robbeebobbee]

Thanks for the reply. I know that I made mistakes out of desperation. As I mentioned, I wanted to have a separate living arrangement with my ex, but this is not something that would happen over night.It would take months for this to happen. The part that hurts the most is all the Promises Were Broken. She knew what my living situation was from the start.

[dustyrain]

She called u out of the blue??-did she perhaps use u for comfort after her last nasty breakup? (don't mean to sound harsh im just trying to gain some insight in to the build up to your relationship. 4 months is early on in the relationship to be promising each other 'life commitment' im also dubious of promises anyone makes to me such as (sorry to be a romance killer) 'i'll love u forever', 'stay together forever'-as it's not logical even if u feel like that at the time, i think its great to talk about your future together and make plans, also to tell someone that u love them etc, I think NC is your best move at the moment-she's made it clear of her choice in ending the relationship, leave her be and if she comes back to u it's her choice. And certainly don't buy/give her that ring!! Friendships and sex is very rarely a good mix in my opinion as if the relationship ends u tend to lose the friendship also. I think its terrible that your family got involved in your relationship like this-totally not their business to influence and talk about u to her like they did it's disrespectful.

[TMifune]

When someone says they "need space" in the sense of anything more than an evening to themselves, 9 times out of ten what they really mean is "I want you to go away so I can start humping someone else".

 

For what it's worth I think the loss of hope you're feeling now is just reality intruding. I don't think things were going to work out if only you hadn't "messed up". I think it was pretty much a done deal anyway.

[dustyrain]

She called u out of the blue??-did she perhaps use u for comfort after her last nasty breakup? (don't mean to sound harsh im just trying to gain some insight in to the build up to your relationship. 4 months is early on in the relationship to be promising each other 'life commitment' im also dubious of promises anyone makes to me such as (sorry to be a romance killer) 'i'll love u forever', 'stay together forever'-as it's not logical even if u feel like that at the time, i think its great to talk about your future together and make plans, also to tell someone that u love them etc, I think NC is your best move at the moment-she's made it clear of her choice in ending the relationship, leave her be and if she comes back to u it's her choice. And certainly don't buy/give her that ring!! Friendships and sex is very rarely a good mix in my opinion as if the relationship ends u tend to lose the friendship also. I think its terrible that your family got involved in your relationship like this-totally not their business to influence and talk about u to her like they did it's disrespectful.

[robbeebobbee]

Thanks for your insight! She has a trail of broken hearts behind her. Shame on me for believing her promises. She is in a desperate place right now and IMO she is just looking for someone to take care of her as she is still staying at her parents home. She is j iust so damn mean! At least I have a home, a great job and food on the table. I need to find a lady that is more self sufficient and not looking for a roommate! Time to start doing my own humping. I'm done.