EsmeWonder Posted December 13, 2015 Share Posted December 13, 2015 We were together for 3 and 1/2 years, and ended things about a month or two ago. So far I have been coping alright, because things were messy towards the end as we had become long-distance and would be long-distance for the next 4-5 years, and were already arguing a lot and finding it difficult. So being without the arguments and stress for the last few weeks has felt somewhat good, but now it has really hit home that I have lost my best friend. We were EXTREMELY close, and I felt 100% comfortable around him. I really, really miss having someone else that I can be myself around and just hang out with. I feel like there's a hole in my life and I am really grieving the loss of our friendship. Has anyone else here been through anything similar? And how do you move on? (PS. we became best friends after we got together, not before, if that makes any difference - some people seem to think it does.) Link to comment
mhowe Posted December 13, 2015 Share Posted December 13, 2015 You had friends and a life before him. And the last of this was long distance, so ion are used to actually being on your own. Fill your life...get involved in new activities, the holidays, friends and family. Link to comment
MrWhite Posted December 13, 2015 Share Posted December 13, 2015 I can relate to what you described as I also lost my girlfriend who was my best friend. It's even more difficult to let go because it feels like you're losing two of the most important persons at the same time. The thing to consider is that, for now, you must forget the friendship. It's almost impossible to stay friends with someone you have romantic feelings with. I tried and didn't work the way I idealised. Me and my ex agreed to maintain the friendship but soon she started to deal with me in a cold and indifferent manner. The outcome was that i felt like nothing... And that's not a nice feeling at all. Write down what you're feeling. It helps. Be optimistic: in the future, you may be able to have your best friend back (not the boyfriend). Careful with the expectations though. Link to comment
EsmeWonder Posted December 13, 2015 Author Share Posted December 13, 2015 You had friends and a life before him. And the last of this was long distance, so ion are used to actually being on your own. Fill your life...get involved in new activities, the holidays, friends and family. True, but I am very young (under 20), and so the 'best friends' I had when we started going out are no longer in my life because we grew apart, and now I only really have two other good friends other than my ex, so I feel very lonely. Link to comment
EsmeWonder Posted December 13, 2015 Author Share Posted December 13, 2015 That's exactly how I feel. How did you react when she began to seem indifferent? A similar thing happened to me and I feel quite ashamed of the way I let myself act - I was quite clingy when we broke up (tears, asking if he was sure he thought it wouldn't work out, trying too hard to remain friends etc.) and I'm worried I now look like a weak, desperate ex (although I stopped contacting him for a while and today he messaged me to see how I am because he is back in the same city as me and we need to give each other some of our things back.) Link to comment
mhowe Posted December 13, 2015 Share Posted December 13, 2015 Time to make new friends then! Link to comment
emptyeffort Posted December 13, 2015 Share Posted December 13, 2015 had the same thing. i got to know her. we fell for each other pretty fast and she didnt only become my gf but my best friend. this was in a new city and i didnt really make any other friends. dont need to tell my lifestory here but.. i really wanted to try staying friends with her, but as everyone in here said... it didnt work unfortunately. i honestly cant say what i find worse. losing my gf or losing my best friend. either way to me she was the most important person in my life and now shes gone. im forced to see her in college basically every day but i do not interact with her privately anymore. i miss the texting, the phoning the meeting up. but theres nothing i can do right now. its been somewhat over 2 months and i still feel like a piece of sh*t. ive been taking anti depressants for 10 days now but i dont really feel better yet. i realized the only chance of healing is going no contact. as much as it hurts, atleast for me that is the only way. unlike me youre not going to see him on a regular basis, so use that. Link to comment
Movingforward3 Posted December 13, 2015 Share Posted December 13, 2015 It is hard when the ex is both best friend and lover. It is a double blow. You have to make new friends and new hobbies. Push yourself to keep busy and find things to make you happy. Delete all social media and contact information. Exercise and eat healthy. Link to comment
MrWhite Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 That's exactly how I feel. How did you react when she began to seem indifferent? A similar thing happened to me and I feel quite ashamed of the way I let myself act - I was quite clingy when we broke up (tears, asking if he was sure he thought it wouldn't work out, trying too hard to remain friends etc.) and I'm worried I now look like a weak, desperate ex (although I stopped contacting him for a while and today he messaged me to see how I am because he is back in the same city as me and we need to give each other some of our things back.) There's nothing to be ashamed for. When she started to treat me with indifference, that was the turning point for me. That was the moment when I realised that it wasn't worth trying to keep the friendship together when only one person was into it. I let go. It hurts a lot, especially when I start remembering the good times and how things have changed. Bottom line is: the clingy approach never works. You now know that. Yes, you had your moments of weakness and now it's time to try something different. Make sports a daily routine for you. Even if you feel there isn't energy for that, put on your sports shoes, get outside and walk, run, whatever the pace is. You should be physically tired from the exercise and not emotionally exhausted from the break up. With the exercise, comes the appetite and take advantage of this to eat healthy. Surround yourself with friends and family, go out, make new friends (as per mhowe advice) and re-discover the good things in life. You'll get through. Link to comment
ForgetYourEvil Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 The only way to move on is to go complete NC until you are 100% healed and happy with your life without him. Link to comment
ForgetYourEvil Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 It's almost impossible to stay friends with someone you have romantic feelings with. I tried and didn't work the way I idealised. Me and my ex agreed to maintain the friendship but soon she started to deal with me in a cold and indifferent manner. The outcome was that i felt like nothing... And that's not a nice feeling at all. Did you go NC at that point? How long have you been NC? Link to comment
MrWhite Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 Did you go NC at that point? How long have you been NC? I did go NC at that point but it didn't last. Only a couple of days. We work at the same place and today she came to me to talk. She says that we don't need to stop being friends and she doesn't understand why I need to go NC. She says that everything I said about her being my best friend was a lie. Otherwise I wouldn't decide for the NC. It's not easy to manage and I'm going to restart my NC as of today (again!). Link to comment
mhowe Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 She can say anything she wants. You don't "have to be her friend". Link to comment
ForgetYourEvil Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 I did go NC at that point but it didn't last. Only a couple of days. We work at the same place and today she came to me to talk. She says that we don't need to stop being friends and she doesn't understand why I need to go NC. She says that everything I said about her being my best friend was a lie. Otherwise I wouldn't decide for the NC. It's not easy to manage and I'm going to restart my NC as of today (again!). Wow.. yeah. Don't let her have her cake and eat it too. You have to go limited NC (everything but work) and even then, do your best to not run into her. You have to heal. And don't even tell her you're going NC. Just do it. You don't owe her anything. Link to comment
treesandbees Posted December 15, 2015 Share Posted December 15, 2015 I've been through this and still hurts me.. because he wanted to remain good friends, that was until he moved someone into his place lol not sure why he even wanted to be friends for over a year past breaking up. Better to get some good piece of closure ( I didn't ) and leave on a high note and don't ever look back again. Link to comment
Crank Posted December 15, 2015 Share Posted December 15, 2015 the more you make excuses about it the less likely your going to get over it. Just accept it as it is and live for yourself again.. you know, how people do before they get into relationships to start with. Link to comment
BeHeard Posted December 15, 2015 Share Posted December 15, 2015 Mine was 10 years. 9 years BFF, then 1 year relationship. It's true about the NC. I did EVERYTHING and ANYTHING to find a way around that and still have a connection to either relationship. It was a fail over and over again. The truth is, what was, will NEVER be what it was. In instances like this, it being WHAT it was or BETTER than what is was... is slim to none. The chances of us finding a BETTER NEW friend or a better NEW relationship, are phenomenal. So why do we continue to fight ^ those odds. *sigh* Because the heart never operates on logic is why, so you have to force your mind to overtake it. Link to comment
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