Last two days were so good, and now down the tubes again.

[Seymore]

Thank you much. Your signature really resonates with me. This is the only time I wish I wasn't like my mother. Her heart rules, while my father's mind rules. That and boundaries are the two major things I need to work on.

 

One of my relatives that is still friends with my ex says that my heart knows what is right. That's a load of crap. My heart has gotten me to this point, when my head would have made me leave long before.

[Seymore]

My friend just left. I told him quite a bit. The drinking, the lies she'd tell, etc. He told me that the good news is that she isn't my problem any more and that I don't have to deal with those issues. Also that me hating her is allowing her to control me, and that I need to get to a point where I don't hate her - just need to get to the point of indifference.

 

He also said that if I'm drinking because of my anger towards her, it will never get better and drinking will never solve that problem.

 

I don't get how he does it - his fiancee cheated on him this summer and he kicked her out and split with her, yet they're still friends. He couldn't care less about her or that situation, but if someone cuts him off in traffic it's the end of the world. Part of me wishes I could be programmed that way.

[youareworthy]

Dear Seymore,

 

It would be even better if you had the detachment your friend achieves with his ex, but ALSO kept it together when someone cuts you off in traffic.

 

Have you considered going to AA, or at least reading AA literature? It deals with so much more than alcohol dependence. The program transforms the way you think about things in your life. One of the ways I healed from the abuse in my marriage was to read two small pages of Al-Anon literature every day for about a year. I grew tremendously during that period. I would highly recommend twelve-step programs to anyone! I read One Day at a Time Al-Anon/U] and Courage to Change. They are very empowering and life-giving.

 

I'm thrilled that you began your list, and of course you could come up with 20 reasons without even thinking. That situation was a mess! You are on a good road. Stay the course!

 

Youareworthy

[Seymore]

Those books show up as the same thing, although in part 1 and part 2. Am I looking at the right books? I am interested.

[youareworthy]

Those books show up as the same thing, although in part 1 and part 2. Am I looking at the right books? I am interested.

 

Dear Seymore,

 

Yes, I am sure you are looking at the ones I mentioned. But they would not be the right ones for you. They are for the non-drinking or non-alcohol-compromised members of the drinker's circle of loved ones. These loved ones often develop enabling or codependent coping mechanisms which can prolong the alcoholic's lack of health. People live in relationship systems, and when one member of a family is struggling with the healthy use of alcohol, everyone in the system is affected.

 

In your case, I would look for the book called One Day at a Time. This is the basic daily reading for AA (1 small page per day), with transformative truths for the sincere seeker.

 

The Alcoholics Anonymous website also has an AA Literature Catalog. If I were you, I would order the book One Day at a Time, then I would go on the AA website to "Find Local AA" to find meetings near your home. Meetings are often a lot of fun! The people are very real. Honestly, I think you would really, really like AA!

 

Have fun exploring this.

 

Youareworthy

[Seymore]

Yes, that's the one I got. It's called Courage to Change: One Day At A Time In Alanon. I like it.

 

I will attend an online Alanon meeting this week. The only AA meeting in my area is only a couple of blocks from my ex and I'd rather not venture there.

 

Go figure. She passes AA every day and refused to go.

[dustyrain]

Instead of looking at the picture of her u concentrated on it for 15 minutes-that certainly didn't help .. she's obviously doing this deliberately for sympathy (laying on bed looking sad!!) and i find it to be PATHETIC. your STRONGER than her u r not moping about on FB posing for selfies trying to get sympathy off everyone. Think of it as a blip in your recovery, though a mistake to do but a small one, one that u have learned from and move on from, uve blocked her from FB totally so this scenario shant happen again to u, total NC, remember the bad feelings and the treatment she gave u in the relationship and KEEP STRONG!! In the morning concentrate on having a good day and getting yourself back to like the 2 good days that u said u had u can get through this as can i and anyone on here in similar situation.

[lilygirl]

And the thing is, at first when I slipped and felt that overwhelming pain, I KNEW these things. I never forgot and never will, but the heart is a SOB for real, just screaming its head off and drowning out my brain.

 

I almost wish I could detach. My buddy who I'm hanging out with at home tonight will get more upset over losing a video game than when he found out his ex-fiance was cheating on him. I don't know how he does it. He's also an ex-alcoholic, 15 years clean so maybe I'll talk to him about how he overcame addiction.

 

It may seem like your friend detaches easily but perhaps he doesn't deal with his anger, instead pushes it down and it comes out while playing video games and driving. I think many people are like this Seymore, I think that we are encouraged to get over things, move on etc etc, without really dealing with things and the pain/anger is put away for another day. It is good old fashioned baggage.

 

In my opinion, you are dealing with this breakup in the best way, by going through it instead of pushing it away. I know that is hard to see now as you are standing in the thick of it but when you come out the other side I would bet you will have processed the pain, and will have learned a great deal as well, which will serve you very well as you move forward in your life.

 

I have never had Facebook and each time I read about breakups and the ensuing drama I am thankful that I am not part of it. Honestly, I would get rid of that account, seal up the cracks, and leave it behind. No disrespect but you can put your foot down and tell family and friends that there are other ways to keep in touch.

[Seymore]

Thanks guys. Yes I am stronger. I don't look for validation on Facebook (although I come here, lol)...I would really like to deactivate Facebook. There are one or two more issues I'm trying to figure out how to solve before I do so. I created and managed a Facebook page for a local business - the guy has no computer knowledge and has nobody to handle it for him. If I deactivate, his entire business page vanishes. So I have to pass over admin duties to someone else. I'll see what I can do.

[lilygirl]

I don't think it comes across as validation from FB, I just think it would be good if you could find a way to not have to see anything you don't need/want to.

[Seymore]

I don't think it comes across as validation from FB, I just think it would be good if you could find a way to not have to see anything you don't need/want to.

 

I was referring more to what dusty rain said about her putting up selfies, but yeah I agree with you too!

[youareworthy]

Hi Seymore,

 

How are you doing today, my friend?

 

Youareworthy

[Seymore]

Thank you for asking, youareworthy

 

I am having my first and only drink of the day today. Might have two, I don't know - I have to go to bed in the next hour. I am currently in my second online Alanon meeting and listening to others' stories. I may stick with it, may not. I'm not getting a TON out of it but it's nice to hear these stories.

 

And you? How are you?

[youareworthy]

Dear Seymore,

 

Thanks for asking! I have been feeling a lot more detached from the ex I have been trying to get over. It is because I am reading on ENA about situations that are similar to his and mine. Seeing the same type of issues in other's lives lets me see things without the personal investment and emotions that my own situation naturally has. I am really growing by participating in this forum.

 

I am glad you like Courage to Change (Alanon). I think Alanon works for you in regards to your ex, but I think AA is what you want if you yourself are trying to limit or stop your own alcohol use.

 

I'm thrilled you made it all the way until now without a drink today. That is good progress. Any way you can simply skip it for tonight?

 

You are awesome!

 

Youareworthy (and that too!)

[Seymore]

I never would have come back here if the people here didn't help so much with my previous ex back in 2007. There are some truly stellar people here. I'm glad you are finding situations that are resonating with you!

 

I think I can limit my own use. I drank heavily for 2 months after I left my previous ex and I think this is just a phase. Going all day without a drink is just a matter of finding things to do and I've got plenty - "Idle hands are the Devil's playground", as they say. The drinking in the morning thing worried me more than anything. That's a struggle but I live near a school zone and it was very rainy this morning, so I'm glad I wasn't impaired at all! It was a sign. I lost one of my best friends because of a drunk driver back in high school so I try to remind myself of her each day. I also ran 3/4 of a mile - I haven't been active in over 4 months so that was good too.

 

You rock as well, and don't forget that. I hope we both come to the point where we can come here to do nothing but give, having gotten that far beyond our own issues!

[youareworthy]

Amen, brother!

[Seymore]

Had another setback last night in the form of a dream.

 

I dreamt I was at the martial arts school we went to and met at, talking with the owner just to catch up. As class was getting close to starting, I didn't want to bump into my ex so I started to walk towards the door, and the door was WAY down at the end of the gym (the school was much much bigger than it really is). And I walked, and walked. A dog came running up next to me and I heard my ex - telling people she was dogsitting and brought him with. I walked faster and the dog kept walking beside me. So I eventually stopped, sat on the floor facing away from everyone and pet the dog for a while. My ex came up and said "I hear P (our teacher) is selling the place." I didn't look at her, and just nodded. She said "It's such a shame". And I replied "Lots of memories here." She took the dog and said "I have to get to class." I nodded again and she ran back to class.

 

I sat there, alone for a couple of minutes. I heard footsteps running up behind me and my ex came and gave me the biggest hug from behind. I held her arm around me and cried SO hard (I'm in my private office at work and crying just typing this). She cried too. I had to force myself to wake up.

 

That's something she'd totally do too. I had to remind myself that despite that sweet moment there were plenty of sour ones once I got sucked back in. This is so difficult.

[WithLove]

Your subconscious is helping you grieve. It's okay. Times like these come and go. As time passes, you'll have less and less. Let yourself have them and know that tomorrow is another and potentially better day. That's how you get through each day; knowing that the next one has the potential to be amazing.

[Seymore]

I know. Dreams are so weird...on the way home from work I was listening to a song from the end of the Fear The Walking Dead season 1 finale, and it totally clicked. The end of that last episode was almost EXACTLY how it happened in my dream. So weird.

 

My brother texted me today asking if I'd heard from the ex or her friends. I said no but I was in bad shape. Ten minutes later my mom messaged me asking if I was ok because she had a motherly instinct. I told her to quit BS'ing and that it bothered me that my brother blabbed so quickly. She asked why I wouldn't talk to her, and I told her it was because my father told me to stop being sad and talking to my mom about things because it made her worse. I ended up totally upset and unable to focus on work. Somehow it got to my 4 family members who, despite me asking them twice to unfriend my ex, refused. I'm still so angry with them. They'd rather be friends with someone they don't even know even after she hurt one of their own. So I told my mom to call me from now on, and I deactivated my Facebook once again.

 

Tomorrow I am buying my department lunch. It will make me feel better to do something good, I hope. My last boss quit buying us lunch YEARS ago, and they never got raises. Now that I'm the boss I want to give them something to show my appreciation.