When people tell you how to feel.

[Seymore]

I'm trying to cope with leaving a 2 1/2 year toxic relationship, and going over things in my head.

 

My ex was married when we started dating. I remember the first night we hung out (with mutual friends, so as to ensure we wouldn't be alone, as I didn't want anything to happen with a married woman) - she kissed me. I was up all night, wracked with guilt, and told her the next day that I was feeling terrible and guilty and ashamed. She said "Don't feel guilty, I don't".

 

When we first had sex, I said it wasn't a good idea, and she went ahead anyway - yes, it takes two so by not pushing her off of me I allowed it, but I felt worse, and that stuck with me the entire relationship. If I got depressed, even over a year later after her divorce went through and finalized, she'd harp on me for feeling guilty, still. A couple of friends of hers said I shouldn't feel guilty and that her ex husband was terrible.

 

I felt even more frustrated and invalidated, and a month after the breakup I still feel guilty - not just for having slept with a married woman two and a half years ago, but for leaving and breaking her and her kids' hearts (although most people told me it was HER responsibility for me leaving, so it's on her). If I feel guilty, shouldn't I be allowed to feel guilty? Why do people tell you how to feel?

[notalady]

They're just trying to comfort you, like if you're sad, someone might say "don't be sad".

 

Either way, you feel how you feel, no one can tell you how you feel.

 

It's normal that you feel guilty about cheating with her on her ex, her saying she doesn't feel guilty was a big red flag (aside from the fact that she was married).

 

Anyway, it's all over now, hope you learned from it.