Having a real issue with making and keeping new friendships...

[shesmiled]

I am a young woman in my young 20's (24 to be exact) and i find it hard to be social. I've always been alone growing up as a child and more of the silent type. i don't have any mental disorders or and complications of the like for that matter.

 

I've spent long time thinking over and remembering the factors that play in my social avoidant behavior. I've been bullied emotionally and verbally by my mother and bullied by the girls in almost all of my elementary school days. I've always been more comfortable with having guys as friends but this would always turn on me socially because girls who hang out with too much guys are seen as skags or skanks. so i turned tomboy in defence. for the record i didnt turn gay as well- i just wanted to be accepted. soon that turned on me as well.

 

Slowly i started losing them because they started questioning my sexual orientation and that set off a system shock for me. Those was my middle school days. from then on out i had major bouts of depression because of an underlying identity crisis that is still at work today. I've been baker-acted 3 times in my life and 2012 was the most recent. Today, i dont feel as bad enough to try suicide again but i do feel bad for myself sometimes. i feel like im from a lost tribe speaking a whole new language that no one can relate to. i just feel really disconnected from everyone.

 

But sometimes i prefer my loneliness, and sometimes it scares me. to the point i feel like i think i've disconnected from reality.. Everyone notices how much of a loner i am, siblings tell me that others dont believe i exist because i dont have any online social profiles. (i am very intimidated by social sites- i feel like i cant keep up with them)

 

i have weird interests that makes it hard for me to relate to others in my area. most things that i do find to get myself out and about are waaay out of my area and travel is an issue for me.

 

i am a very nice and attractive person. i can be charismatic and delightful but i cant seem to keep up with the feeling afterwards, like ill soon begin to feel "fake" and blonde-like. i'll meet great potential friends but i cant seem to hold a friendship- i'll soon fade off into dream world locked in my bedroom. This problem has eventually diseased itself into my dating life as well. i cannot keep a relationship. i just cant see myself opening up to another guy. i get very defensive.

 

i am despretely searching for a one true friend. someone who is kindhearted, accepting, receptive and forgiving.i feel like im all of these things to everyone else but others like to take advantage of me. and i really need to be healed. so i become wary of people sometimes. i've tried mental consultations and medications but along the years the only success ive accomplished is reliving the myth of Sisyphus. the poor soul tragically cursed to repeatedly roll a boulder uphill to have it roll right back down crushing him for eternity.

 

anyone with nice advice? even if no one answers, at least i finally wrote it out of my system.

[melancholy123]

Hi, I think you'd benefit from some therapy to get to the root of your issues and figure out how to resolve them. I dont know how you do that without some professional help.

 

Also, what is baker-acted? I've not heard that word before.

[Capricorn3]

What is "baker-acted"

 

OP, when reading your general history (past threads) it seems you have a number of long-term issues that you haven't managed to sort out on your own. It's probably a very good idea to seek professional help as in counseling/therapy to help you figure out where it's all coming from and how to deal with it all. At the very least, see a general doctor to get a proper diagnosis and medication for depression. You can't do this on your own (imo).

[meoww]

For starters you'll definitely have to make some more casual aqaintances before developing any bonds that could be considered more intimate. If you find yourself feeling like you can't be bothered to do that, you might ask what you have to lose anyway. If you already feel disconnected from people, it's not going to be the end of the world to go out for lunch with some people and make small talk for an hour or something. You can make time for yourself if that's important to you.

 

To some extent you'll have to compromise on your interests, especially if they are not very common, and find a few more that you share with others as a point if reference.

 

Maybe you have some preconceptions about people that are also holding you back. You might think people are being rude because you're reading into things from an anxious and negative point of view, which is almost impossible to become aware of until you're no longer in that mindset.

 

If you've been feeling this way for quite some time, as hard as it is you might have to change yourself because people aren't necessarily going to change for you. Sometimes people can pick up on the way you're changing and you'll start to develop a more satisfying relationship with them as well.

[catfeeder]

One big problem with trying to make friends when you've been isolated is that isolation keeps you self involved and only interested in You.

 

So the only kind of friend who could keep you engaged would need to be singularly focused on You. And most people would pass, because your interest is not reciprocal--it's all about You.

 

So unless you can become interested and curious enough about other people, your focus on yourself will dominate any interaction with others. You'll become bored with them for having other interests, and they'll become bored with your self interest. As you've noticed, that's a dead end.

 

I'd consider a combo plate of working with a therapist to help you to expand your focus beyond yourself, and I'd consider ways that I can engage with others that benefits them or someone else. I'd use the Internet to scout volunteer groups for opportunities to use my time in beneficial ways.

 

What are your goals, and are you working now or going to school?

[shesmiled]

One big problem with trying to make friends when you've been isolated is that isolation keeps you self involved and only interested in You.

 

So the only kind of friend who could keep you engaged would need to be singularly focused on You. And most people would pass, because your interest is not reciprocal--it's all about You.

 

So unless you can become interested and curious enough about other people, your focus on yourself will dominate any interaction with others. You'll become bored with them for having other interests, and they'll become bored with your self interest. As you've noticed, that's a dead end.

 

I'd consider a combo plate of working with a therapist to help you to expand your focus beyond yourself, and I'd consider ways that I can engage with others that benefits them or someone else. I'd use the Internet to scout volunteer groups for opportunities to use my time in beneficial ways.

 

What are your goals, and are you working now or going to school?

 

 

I am a very creative person. I enjoy things of art, poetry and creative writing. i am currently in college earning my degree in visual arts. im currently looking for a job because my last job laid-off hundreds of workers. i have had some therapy sessions in the past but i really felt as if he was just listening to my issues. he never gave me some active advice to help change my perspectives. before i could search for anyone else my insurance was cut-off.

 

I am currently working on getting myself to volunteer in working with children- i feel like i can be myself around small kids. i love playing around with them. Just being a big kid again helps me feel better. This why i am in school to be an art teacher. I love it.

 

To be Baker-Acted by the way means to be held against your will in a mental health institution or hospital because you were considered a threat against yourself.

 

Thank you

[jobelle]

What everyone else said. You should probably get a new therapist, I can guarantee you that therapy turns out to be very different depending on the therapist and also which methods they use.

 

If you want to make new friends you will need to be patient. Most real friendships move slowly and people start off as acquaintances. Which means you will need to make new acquaintances, and the only way to do that is to put yourself out there and do a lot of different things. You will also need to take risks and ask people out.

 

Very important - do not take it personally if things don't work out with someone. Some people just don't "click" and that's okay. Also, people have their own things going on and don't always have time to hang out. It has nothing to do with you and it does absolutely not mean that they don't like you.

[Zartos]

... I feel like a dope for thinking a "baker-actor" was some sort of theater performer with an act that involved making a cake. I wish I was right.

 

So you like art, children, apparently cats based on that adorable avatar, are working towards a career you will hopefully love, and are willing to work on improving yourself? Don't worry, there are plenty of people in the world who would love to have a friend like that, who will have no problems with you needing to emotionally retreat sometimes. I don't have much advice to give on how to meet these people, but they are out there. Perhaps you could make a DeviantArt account as a small step to reaching out to the world with something you enjoy doing? Volunteering sounds like a great idea, and little efforts such as trying to be a pleasant person to be around in your school classes could go a long way towards forming friendships too.

 

And of course, keep working on your deeper issues. It sounds as though they are / have gotten very severe in the past. Don't let one psychiatrist who you didn't click with turn you off from finding help for yourself. It sounds like your life is in a decent place currently, and you deserve to keep it going in a direction that will make you happy.