I feel like I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't.

[Hazyillusions]

This is in continuation to the previous thread I posted around 12 hours ago.

 

I've been with my partner for 14 months now and have grown to deeply love him. From the start, I knew of his working visa, his plans to go back overseas for his career and his thoughts on long distances. Spending increasing amounts of time with him, and having a really strong connection meant that despite our first few months being rocky, we managed to power on through and got increasingly attached to each other. You can call me stupid for doing what I did, but I ended up pushing thoughts of these issues to the side.

In his last relationship, he did long distance around 4 months and his ex ended up cheating on him. As a result, he became against the whole idea. He had a lot of issues growing up, but slowly I helped him to open up, and by May and June of this year, he constantly expressed how much i meant to him and how he didn't want anyone else. He always had problems being himself and trusting others and he said I was the first person he ever 100% trusted and was himself around besides his family. Through the relationship, he's never broken up with me and though he has emotional nerves of steel, has always tried to get me to change my mind whenever I have doubts about him. He's always been a really emotionally reserved guy but slowly, I got to see the real him.

 

Problems:

 

The last few months has caused him to feel frustration in the career front. He's very ahead career wise and has always been extremely ambitious for his age (mid 20s). This has only made him think of going back overseas (not back home) to pursue his career.

His Visa was meant to expire Jan of 2017 but one and half weeks ago, he told me he was thinking of applying for jobs overseas now.

As you can imagine, I got really upset.

He told me after bringing this up, that he was originally not keen on long distance but wanted to try with me. That through the months, based on how I acted, he could see I was serious about him and about us. He said he was madly in love with me.

 

We go a week and I don't bring this up again. Monday comes and it's Labour Day and I bring this up to him. I asked him what will happen with long distance. That I loved him but wanted to know what his plans are. Because to me in order for a LDR to work, there needed to be an end goal, that I didn't want to waste my time. I told him i felt stupid for willingly walking into the same situation again. (My ex went home overseas =/)

He said he wanted to try but he wasn't sure, that he didn't think about it. That he didn't have an answer for me.

 

Tue morning comes and we don't talk. I try to help him with the bedsheets but he didn't relent. Seeing his emotional distance, I tell him i'll be going early and leave his apartment.

 

We don't talk for two days and last night he msged me so we met up. He tells me he is thinking of whether to continue seeing me or not. He says he wants to continue to date me but it seems like he is hurting me often and much more than I am hurting him. That i get quite affected when we fight. He says he's thought it through and is planning on going overseas, that he will be leaving in 4 months. We have a trip coming up around Dec and Jan for nearly a month and during it, he will be going to some interviews while we're in Singapore and (maybe) Hong Kong. That if he gets an offer, he'll be coming back here giving his notice and leaving within the month (So sometime Feb).

I don't say anything but feel increasingly choked up so I try to listen and texted him some of what i wanted to say. He then says he was originally wanting to give LDR a shot, but after my question about having the LDR have a point, an end goal...He's not sure what he wants. He just hasn't thought so much about the future. So basically we walk somewhere else and talk. At this point I'm crying a lot. I don't know what it is with this guy, I've never been so affected by anyone before. I've had several relationships but this guy has easily meant the most to me.

He then tells me he's not even sure about whether he's up for long distance as his idea of an LDR seems to be different from mine.

He said he wanted to continue to see me but if it was too hard for me, we can just stop right now.

 

We ended up hugging and I could tell he was feeling upset too. I stayed over but just slept obviously. Didn't sleep well.

This morning he tried to joke around but i just wasn't in the mood. The last two I love yous from him was met with a blank look from me.

 

What should I do guys? I'm so torn. I love this guy so much. I wish I didn't, but it's too late now. Rationally it's obvious what I should do but emotionally, I just can't seem to want to do anything.

We have a trip end of the year where i'll be going to meet his grandma and he's also coming to my hometown. But now seeing this situation, I don't know if I would want my extended relatives to meet him. We're going to a wedding in Jan.

I wanted a future with this guy. This just really hurts.

 

I like honesty but please don't be too blunt or harsh. All advice would really be appreciated.

[greta96]

Reading between the lines, it sounds to me as if he's made up his mind: he wants to leave, and he wants to be single when he does. To me, "I don't know what I want", "I'm not sure if I want a relationship with you anymore" is the same thing with "I want this relationship to end". Judging from your previous post, he has been distancing himself from you for quite some time, but only now he's coming clean about it and introducing the idea to you. He's been planning this for a while, to you unfortunately it's new and you were blindsided. I know it hurts, believe me.

I do think he cares about you, but not enough to sustain a LDR, he wants his freedom to date whomever he may meet overseas without feeling tied down or having to feel guilty about it. He knows he is hurting you, and is trying to ease the blow. But, I don't think he will change his mind, he seems to have outgrown this relationship.

 

So now the question remains - do you want to be with him until he leaves, or would you feel better if you just cut ties now and start the process of healing, whenever you're ready? I know none of these options are pleasant or what you want, but this is the situation you have on your hands. I realize how tempting it is to stay together until the end, but I also believe that the little time left will be just full of sadness and tears, you two can't enjoy the relationship as it was. It will feel like ripping a bandage over and over again, and the wound will just deepen and not be able to dry and heal.

Only you can decide which option is best for you. It is a very sad situation to be in, I don't know what I'd do if I was in your shoes to be honest... knowing me, I'd probably just stick it to the end, even if I know the other option would be the best for my mental health.

 

Whatever you decide, I wish you good luck, keep us posted!

[ThatwasThen]

I've been with my partner for 14 months now and have grown to deeply love him. From the start, I knew of his working visa, his plans to go back overseas for his career and his thoughts on long distances.

Since you knew that he would eventually be leaving, I have to ask why oh why did you get so involved with him? What were you hoping would happen when his Visa expired? I have a tendency to think that people who get involved with people where they know the relationship has a shelf life that is soon to expire, must have fear of commitment. They figure they're safe since he/she will soon be gone and therefore tear down walls they would normally keep securely up with anyone they knew would actually be able to commit to them. Think those that knowingly get with married or otherwise taken people or those that are only in town for a period of time etc.

 

Anyway: Seems you have two choices. You continue on in what you have with him until he's gone or, you break up with him now. Would you be able to get back your money for the trip if you were to end it now?

 

Anyway, whatever you decide to do, DO ask yourself why you willingly chose two people now who you knew would eventually be leaving (since you say your ex also moved overseas.)

 

Good luck. Sorry you're hurting.