NoMoreJerks Posted October 25, 2015 Share Posted October 25, 2015 Hi everyone , This is my first post here, though some of you who post on other forums might recognize my username. Sorry, this is very very long, but I feel there are crucial details in the story that will clarify our dynamics.. but my question is, did I cause this breakup, was it a mutual toxic dynamic ? Or was this guy just very weird/crazy/almost bipolar, running from one end of the spectrum of love and ideation to the other extreme of breaking up with me? I did a lot of immature things, I admit, but there were reasons for my frustration, as well... and I am not sure if some of the situations warranted the type of behavior that he responded with (breakup)? Especially the last situation towards the end of this story. -- I've been dating a man for the past year and 6 months. Things were going more or less well (with a few small bumps on the road, nothing major) for the first year and 2 months. Then, we started having a rough patch. Not sure why, really -- but I was stressed since I had just started teaching a course I had never taught before, which was taking a lot of time and effort, and at the same time, he was on vacation (he teaches, but is off for a few weeks in the summer), and was not making any effort at all to accommodate my schedule. I had always been the one to fit myself into his schedule, since he is a single dad and works mornings and evenings for 3 days a week, then has his son for the next 2-3 days. But since he was on vacation, I expected him to try and arrange things such that we could still see each other every week. However, he didn't really seem all that bothered about it. When I tried to talk to him about it, he said that with his ex, whom he had lived with (we don't live together), they wouldn't see each other for days sometimes, even though they lived together..... I told him that would not work for me, and probably that is why their relationship had failed in the first place, that no one is that busy, etc. Also, that it's different when you live together; you know that the person is around all the time. However, not seeing each other for a week or two or more, just because one person is not making any effort despite being on vacation, is a different story! He didn't really change his behavior, and even cancelled on a pre-scheduled dinner with me and his son, because he wanted to take his son (yet again) to a friend's house (his friend's , not his son's friend), as he had a pool. He had done that every day of that week, so I was mad that he cancelled on me last minute to go there. It really provoked me into an angry state, and I lost my cool, started yelling, said some very mean things, etc. Basically, said everything that had been bothering me up to that point. Spilled it all out. I tried to get a reaction out of him (not a mature thing to do, I know) by going to his place and telling him I was there to pick up my stuff and that it was over. He called my bluff. But it wasn't just that. He really didn't seem all that bothered. Of course, I was hoping he would fight for me, and didn't want to break up with him. So we ended up trying to talk, he needed some convincing to get back together (even though I was the one who broke up with him... guess it wasn't all that one-sided after all?).. We did get back together, but the pattern repeated itself, I lost my cool again, etc. Several times. Pretty much every week during the month of July. He had tried to break up with me several times during the month of July and August, and I tried to convince him to take me back, begged, pleaded, and he took me back, only for him to try to break up again. So, when one day he did end up breaking up (in August), I was so drained emotionally and tired of the toxicity of it all, that I said fine, I respect your decision. he drove me home, and I cried all the way in the car, but I didn't try to convince him to change his mind. I kissed him one last time, and was convinced I'd never see him again. I had organized a bday party for him at a restaurant, and when they called to confirm the reservation, I told them it was still on. I had also told him that I would not cancel the reservation, so him and his friends can still go. I loved him, so I wanted him to have a good time, even in my absence. I went NC. Didn't contact him for 2 weeks. He was still on my facebook but I didn't check his profile. Didn't message him. Didn't even wish him a happy bday. I removed all his friends from my FB, as well as his mom and sister (who are pretty awesome by the way, and loved me). His friends, not so much -- they had gotten involved in our relationship, tried to convince him to break up with me, badmouthed me in front of his son, etc. So I had no wish to remain friends with them in any capacity, except for 2 friends (his neighbor and her boyfriend), who were pretty much people I hung out with one-on-one as well, and had not gotten involved in our relationship issues (at least I thought they didn't). Fast forward 16 days post-breakup. To my shock, I get an email. A one-liner: "Are you happy you destroyed me?" I had been trying to be happy and go on with my life , and I had posted some pics of my friend's bachelorette and wedding, which I had invited him to, but because he broke up, he could not accompany me to (which got me an earful from my friend, since she claimed it cost her a fortune to order the food for each person). I guess that got him thinking that I was moving on. I didn't answer for 2 days because I wasn't sure what to say, or if I wanted to say anything. But I was also worried, because his wording was rather strong: destroyed? How? What had happened? I thought he had lost custody of his son or something. I had a weak moment 2 nights later, and I responded with a one-liner. I said: "No, because I love you. " Then, I regretted it in the morning, so I sent another email, saying: Anyway I don't know why you are blaming me for whatever it is that has happened; it was your decision to break up with me, and you were the one who badmouthed me to your friends and in front of your son, and burned those bridges, and I hope you are at peace with your decision." It was my way of letting him know that even though I loved him, I would not take the blame for his decisions and that he had to face the consequences of those decisions. He then responded with a heart-wrenching email, begging for me to take him back, that he can't live without me, that he has thought a lot about this, and he is not at peace with his decision, that he loves me and that he has never loved anyone as much as he loves me, and many many more such things that made me feel sorry for him but also reignited my feelings for him, that I had pushed to the back of my head in order to cope with the breakup. But, I was still unsure how I felt about him, my heart wasn't in it 100%. My parents were around, so when he asked to meet up, I told him it'd have to wait a week. Truth be told, I wanted to take the time to think about it as well, and to evaluate his behavior. He was happy to wait, he said he'd do whatever it takes, wait however long it takes, etc. He kept emailing me every day, multiple times every day, some of the emails were him saying, he was sad that particular day, because I wasn't there, and did I still love him, etc. We kept an email conversation going, and he got to my heart over the next week or so. Then, we met up and we talked. He told me he was sorry and asked for me to forgive him. He said he forgives me too, for yelling at him and saying the things I did etc. I asked what had happened, what had led to the breakup, what had changed his mind ,etc. At the end of it, I was happy with his answers and felt they were genuine. So we went back to his place together, and he had a surprise for me there. A present and a card, and my tshirt (one of his tshirts, that I used to put on at night whenever it was cold or if I slept over on days his son was around). It was the most amazing feeling. We talked, we laughed , our chemistry was still there, he was even surprised, because he had thought that it would be super-awkward. It was almost as if one of us had gone away on a trip and come back and we were just reconnecting. I was happy. He told me that he will tell his son about our reconciliation (his son is 11) but he has to figure out the best timing and way to do it. He also told me that he has to tell his neighbor and his best friend (both women), and that he wasn't sure how they would take the news. But he said our love is strong and can conquer all obstacles. At this point, I was a bit like, huh? Obstacles? What? I wanted to just ignore it and go with the flow, but it still bothered me a bit, that he considered the opinion of his friends so much, and that he referred to them as "obstacles." He took a week to tell his son, and I was starting to get frustrated. I felt like he was just playing for time, or something. On the day he had his son over, he didn't tell him, and when I was a bit reserved on the phone with him, he was scared that I was having second thoughts, he emailed me asking me if I was having second thoughts, and explained to me that his neighbor and his best friend were there and needed to talk to him about their failing relationships with their boyfriends. He then told his son the following day, finally. His son had a negative reaction. When he told me, I was disappointed and hurt. I told him that it's almost like everyone was just waiting for that moment when you broke up with me, all the while they were smiling in my face and pretending to like me, while waiting for you to give me the boot. I was really hurt. But again, he said, give it some time. The next day he apparently talked again to his son, and he invited me to dinner at his place. I wasn't sure. He assured me he wouldn't have invited me if he didn't know it was gonna go well. I was still nervous, and I think subconsciously, I was looking for something to impress him and his son with, in order to take away from the awkwardness / pressure / stress of how things were gonna go. So I said, I wanted to go buy him his present, a late bday present, since he had broken up with me 2 days before his bday party. I said I needed his help to bring it home. It was a 40" TV. I was looking for a car to rent, and couldn't find any last-minute, got frustrated, had a mini-tantrum, because he was acting all chill, while I was trying to find ways to get his present to him that day (I am a bit obsessive-compulsive with some things). He said it can wait for another day, and that I was his present. While I loved what he said, he didn't understand why I must've been doing it. Eventually, with a lot of patience, he dealt with me and my tantrums... and we found a car and went to get the present him , me , and his son. His son was excited, so it made the encounter so much less awkward than I think it would've been. It wasn't a mature thing for me to do, I know. It was one of my most embarrassing moments. Anyway, things were great after that. His son was happy, he was acting normal around me, he talked to me, etc. The bf prepared dinner, my favorite, and we ate, and then we made a dessert for his son. It was like heaven, I would not have imagined living moments like that, 3 weeks after the breakup. Then, 2 more weeks passed. I was dropping hints about his friends. His friends are very present in his life. He calls his female best friend every day, more than he calls me. He tells her everything. They see each other every week, sometimes several times a week. He told them about me, and they were surprised, and didn't seem particularly happy with the idea. I wasn't sure why, but then he dropped the bomb. His neighbor (whom I had kept on facebook, but who had then proceeded to remove me days before my ex's first email) had told him during the breakup that I had asked a mutual friend of hers, a guy, out for coffee or drinks. It was true, and maybe there was an element of emotional "cheating" -- but it was because I had felt that I wasn't being prioritized in my bf's life. Also, I had lost interest a few days later, after I saw his political views on facebook, so I wouldn't have gone out anyway. Not to mention, I also wanted to enlarge my circle of friends (as I have very few friends and they never seem to have the time to hang out with me). Since he has female friends, I figured he wouldn't be such a hypocrite if I had male friends. Apparently, that guy told my bf's neighbor that I had asked him out, and that he had then proceeded to delete me off facebook (which wasn't true, as I was the one who had deleted him; probably he felt offended and wanted to get back at me, by telling my bf's neighbor). Anyway, my neighbor had known this even before the breakup, but hadn't told my bf or confronted me about it. But when he broke up with me, she told him. So my ex confronted me about it, and I was so shocked , that in the heat of the moment, I denied even asking the guy for a coffee. But I kept pointing out that even if I had, he has female friends that he spends time with on his own, so it would be hypocritical if he expected me not to hang out with men? Anyway, he said that no matter what I said, he loved me and wanted to stay together. So, the neighbor, when she found out that we were back together, probably knew also that he had told me what she had said behind my back, and thought it would be super awkward to see me, especially that she had deleted me from facebook. So she snubbed me. Now, I wasn't too bothered by that, since she is not around my bf that much.. but the best friend... was a royal b*tch. She had told my bf during the break-up that I had sent her nasty facebook messages, blaming her for things my bf did, etc. I had NEVER done such a thing. She had refused to show him the messages, claiming they were too trashy. But the messages didn't even exist, and he chose to believe her anyway. So then she claimed she couldn't see me because not only had I sent these messages, but I had also deleted her from FB. I showed my BF the messages I had sent to her (they were all actually POSITIVE ones, me asking her when we were gonna hang out, etc.). And then, I also told him that I had deleted her because I thought it was over between us, and since they were HIS friends, I would not see them again. Also, that SHE had not contacted me (if she was such a good friend of MINE) that she was sorry things did not work out between me and my bf, but that she would be there for me if I needed anything, or if she felt it awkward to talk to me about the breakup, that she hopes I was OK and that she was gonna keep away from me for a while knowing that I might not want to see her or hear from her, and because she was most likely going to defend my bf. So if anyone had the right to be insulted, it was ME. And plus, I felt that her snub was so immature. I mean, really? Facebook delete after a breakup is so insulting that you're not gonna talk to your best friend's GF that he decided to reconcile with?????? I told my bf that if his friends really cared that much about him, they'd respect his choice, because it was something that made HIM happy -- being with me. And I said that it looks like they don't want you to be happy. He told me to give it time. But, I got really frustrated and mad. Especially when, on a thursday, the day before his son was supposed to write an entrance exam for a private secondary school (so I stayed away to give them time alone, to prepare/spend time together/relax, etc.), he had invited his neighbor and his best friend to dinner at his place, and had not invited me. Because I was not welcome, based on his friends' insistence. When he called me that night, he was very drunk. I got mad, because it felt like they had had a party-like atmosphere, a nice dinner, while I was all alone, sitting at home, because I had thought about what was best for his son. Meanwhile, I was NOT invited specifically because of his friends' SNUB. So they were being territorial, in a way, going to his place, and imposing their conditions, if he wanted to spend time with them. I expressed my unhappiness at the situation. The next day, he called me in the afternoon, to ask me if I was free on Saturday. He then proceeded to tell me that he had gone to IKEA in the morning with his neighbor, to help her out with furniture. I got even more mad, because I had told him I felt insulted by his friends, and he was now helping them out after all that disrespect to his gf. I told him I didn't want to see him on Saturday. He tried to calm me down, etc., but I had lost my temper by that point, and said that he should call me when he learns to confront his friends and demands that they respect his decisions. I mean, I understood that he was in an unenviable position, but I was not the one who had put him there, and I wasn't going to accept that I be the victim of that situation. I didn't know what he could've done: he couldn't have forced them to accept to see me. But I said, if they don't accept to see me, FOR YOU, then what kind of friends are they? Maybe you should let them go. If they are imposing problems on your relationship, then they should face the consequences of that, not I. He said he would talk to them, but then an hour later, he said he wouldn't, got angry at me, etc. Then I said I wouldn't see him the next day. I was hoping that he would come over anyway, and try to comfort me and look for solutions to the problem, but he didn't. He completely disappeared that morning. He doesn't have a cellphone, so he was not reachable. I called him at his home a dozen times, he was not there. I felt like he just was never there any time I wanted to be reassured and comforted, that things were going to be fine, that he would deal with the situation, etc. He was just disappearing rather than confronting anything. Avoiding problems rather than facing them. I went to his place, and he had just arrived and was calling me. I said I was arriving to pick up my stuff. He told me OK. No resistance, again. I was just not sure what I could do at that point. I mean, if his friend s didn't want to see me, it was fine. But, if he wanted to see them and not include me in their festive dinners, BECAUSE I was not welcome, then that was a problem. I still wanted to find a solution so I tried to convince him to stay together (again).... finally, after a few hours of talking, he got convinced and we agreed we'd try to find a solution. We then went to a nice restaurant for dinner. It was nice. We had an amazing time. Then, a few days later, he comes to my place in between his two shifts, and brings me my stuff. He says it's over, he couldn't sleep all night long, for the past 2-3 days, etc. I begged, pleaded, etc. I explained that I was trying to do my best, that I had thought of his son's exam and was upset when I was not invited, etc. Eventually he got convinced. We got back together after that short breakup that lasted about 2 hours..... mmm. Then, things were fine... for a few days. But I was feeling something off. Instinct. I emailed him and said I had read all his emails during our reconciliation and that it made me fall in love with him even more, basically saying nice stuff, and all he sent me was a "hug" sticker on facebook, in response to that, then changed the subject. But I ignored my instinct, because the day before, he had brought me banana bread that he had baked, and we had spent a few hours together before his next work shift. And I was happy because it felt like he was making effort to come see me, etc. I kept saying I really loved the surprise, etc. Then, the next day, something felt off as I stated (in the messages he was sending me, his tone, his avoidance of lovey-dovey talk). But the followig day, he was back to normal, saying he loved me, sending me hearts, etc. He said he was feeling sick, he seemed to have a cold. I said I wish I was there to take care of you, but he said he will call me the next day in the morning, cos his son was going to his mom, and he wanted to spend time with me. The next day, I was waiting for his call, but it never came. Instead, there was a knock on the door. He came in, and was very cold with me. Said this was not working , he couldn't sleep, he chooses his friends over me, it's over between us. I didn't beg, but I said, my gramma is dying and I am so stressed, and your friends do this to me, and you break up with ME instead? I was so hurt and felt so used. He blamed me for hurting and insulting his friends' feelings. WHen I tried to respond, he said he didn't want to argue, he was leaving. Anyway, I didn't beg or plead, I did cry for a few seconds, he said he was sorry for having hurt me (he almost didn't want to say it, he said it in a low voice). But he was just so very weird, like completely emotionless. Like he was some sort of zombie with eyes glazed over.... what the hell? It was SO weird. The weirdest thing ever. I said I had even gone to the point of thinking of sending his friends a message and clarifying the misunderstanding and fixing the bad feelings between us. I noticed a second of hesitation in his eyes, when I said that, hesitation about the break-up, but it was just something that lasted a second, and he recovered his previous zombie look. I gave him his keys and he gave me mine, and he was gone. Just like that. Just like that. I was in shock. I mean, 10 hours earlier, he was sending me hearts and I love yous. The day before that, he had brought me banana bread and showered me with love. I still don't understand it??? Was he just pretending? Was it revenge? Trying to get me to relax, only to hit me on the head with a break-up? Wow. I was devastated. Still am. He then went back home and immediately deleted and blocked me on facebook. That extreme??? As if I had created this situation???? I mean, I know that I had fought with him and yelled, and I had promised during our reconciliation not to do that again.. but I told him as well that THIS time, there was a damn good reason why I was really frustrated and upset, and I was trying to do my best to find a solution so that we can stay together, to avoid a breakup... this time, the situation was not of my own creation, though sure, I could have dealt with it differently, ideally. But when you are in the thick of a problem, you don't have the luxury of hindsight. I was also very stressed about my grandmother. In fact, the day after he broke up with me, she passed away. I was not even there, could not even go there (she is in another country), and could not see her one last time, could not even go to her funeral. And on top of that, he knew she was going to die probably some time soon, and he still broke up with me in the most cruel manner. Also, he told me when breaking up, that a mutual friend of his, and of his female best friend, was coming to visit from another country, and that it wasn't gonna work out between us, since how is he gonna manage his female friend not wanting to see me, and me expecting him to invite me out with them, rather than go out on his own and act like he is a single person? I mean, it's like his female friend wanted him to act like a single person most of the time -- doing everything without his gf, leaving his gf out of social events. This is social isolation and bullying.... It's normal for people to do things on their own with their friends, but if the reason for that is a friend telling you they don't want to see your GF, that's another story altogether. And if it happens all the time, then it is also unacceptable and is plain interference in someone's relationship. I am a very straightfoward person and I don't like beating around the bush when I am angry or frustrated, and I call a spade a spade. I feel like he broke up with me because I called out on his friends' behavior, and on his response to that. I blame both of them equally, to be honest. Though I also feel sorry and upset that my ex got put in that situation. He has gone complete NC on me. A week after the breakup, I stalked his friend's facebook and saw that she had recently added him as a friend. They had been friends on facebook since facebook was invented. So either she had removed him or he had removed her, and then they had re-become friends... That kinda gave me hope, that he had confronted his friend. Even if we were not going to get back together, that b*tch had it coming. But I was disappointed that now they had had it out, and then reconciled, and I was the one who had been the scapegoat of their BS and f*cked up "friend" dynamics. It almost felt like I was in some sort of love triangle. Then, a few days ago, I saw that he has signed up on a dating site. I had created an account only in order to see if he was there. He hadn't put a photo, but the username was a term/word that we used to have an inside joke on. He also included stuff in his profile that was so him. And his location was within a 1km radius of where he lives. BUT, he had not put correct information about his height, his eye color, him having a kid, etc. I don't know what he was playing at. His profile text seemed really well thought-out to attract women, but what is the point of going on dates with women, if they see on the first meeting that you are not who you said you are??? That is just bizarre. Unless he is just looking for a hookup, but even then it is bizarre. Or else he is just trying to provoke me? (I had told him after our first breakup that I had gone on that particular dating site to see if he was there, so maybe he thought I would do that, this time, too?, and wanted me to see him?) Anyway, it succeeded, because I had a weak moment and a crying fit, afraid that he was moving on if he was getting to the point of dating.. I emailed him. I poured my heart out to him, and asked him to forgive me about my anger and rage and yelling, and if we could meet up to talk. I told him I loved him, and I wasn't sure why he broke up with me all of a sudden, that I was devastated, and that my grandma had also passed away and that had also devastated me. I hadn't contacted him after my grandmother's death, even though it was my first instinct, to want to talk to him, and get comfort from him. But I couldn't bring myself to be rejected by him, since it was just the day after, and he may have thought I was using that as a way to get back with him. I also didn't want him to take care of me and friendzone me in the process. But what my grandmother's death didn't do, seeing him on that dating website did. He hasn't replied to my email yet. It's been 3 days. I sent the email on Wednesday night. He finishes work on Wednesday night, and has Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday off. He sometimes doesn't check his mail until Sunday, which is when he prepares for his class on Monday. It's his personal and work email at the same time, but sometimes he likes avoiding checking his email to avoid seeing work stuff. Or maybe I am just holding on to hope here, because I want to believe he will respond. I mean, I'd rather he doesn't respond, if he's gonna respond negatively. But I was hoping that IN CASE he had regretted it, that he'd know that I'd be willing to get back together with him. I doubt it's going to happen, though. I just am so devastated by this all. It's been a major mind-f*cking toxic dynamic, since July. I feel upset that he sucked me back into his life, only to treat me like dirt. I feel used and taken for a ride in his and his friends' sh*tmobile. I am going NC unless he replies and wants to get back together and tells me that he is going to be less avoidant about problems and deal with them better than by breaking up with me (same goes for me). But assuming he does get back together with me (about 0.0001% chance of that), then the whole dynamics between me, him, and his friends, will have to change. I am definitely not apologizing to anyone, where an apology is not due. I can't help but feel like this was all my fault. Was it? I want to hear some input on this. My friends tell me he was a psycho and a weirdo, and bad news. But I feel like they are telling me that in order to make me get over him. I can't help but feel like it was all my fault, regretting my behavior, and wanting to turn time back and change things. I want to hear some input on whether or not this was a salvagable situation in the first place, once his friends got involved in this manner? Link to comment
mhowe Posted October 25, 2015 Share Posted October 25, 2015 You need to create a shorter version. No one will read that. Link to comment
NoMoreJerks Posted October 25, 2015 Author Share Posted October 25, 2015 OK... basically, broke up with me first time, I went NC, he begged for me back 2 weeks later. (We had had a very toxic dynamic of back-and-forth breakups and fights and me yelling out of frustration, etc.). Got back together, but then his 2 (female) friends (primarily his female best friend), who had gotten involved in the lead-up to the first break-up and had badmouthed me to him and to his son, tried to interfere in our relationship and tried to socially isolate me and bully me, by trying to exclude me from dinners with my BF in HIS apartment (because they didn't want to see me, one of them for reasons described in the longer version, and the other, since I had supposedly hurt her when I deleted her from FB, and some lies that she made up about me sending her insults, etc.). BF did not deal with it, didn't confront them, didn't tell them TOUGH, if you don't want to see my GF, we don't see each other most of the time, since my GF will NOT be excluded from my social life. I got upset and we had a fight about it, he tried to break up again, I convinced him to take me back, I tried to be patient, there wasn't any progress, then he broke up out of the blue (while acting all lovey-dovey 10 hrs before the break-up), this time for good. Went total NC on me, deleted and blocked on FB, now is on dating site, with false info (I think he is trying to provoke me -- see the above long version for the dating site stuff)... not sure what he is playing at. I feel he is trying to play mind games with me. I had a weak moment and emailed him the other day, asked for him back, haven't received a reply since. He also had deleted his female best friend on facebook , and they then had re-added each other as friends, so I am assuming some sort of confrontation transpired and was then resolved, but with me still being the "scapegoat" (female friend got her way, basically). I want to know if: 1. There was anything I could have done that would have avoided the situation from deteriorating to this point, and prevented the breakup. 2. If I was in the wrong to be upset about his friends' snub and attempts to socially isolate me, and his response (or lack thereof) to this. 3. Is this man immature / weird / almost bipolar, in the sense that he was acting so normal and lovey-dovey one day, then completely cold and zombified the next day, and breaks up with me in the most cruel manner and at the most cruel timing (grandmother very ill and was probably gonna die; she died a day after break-up). Also, is he playing mind games with me? Or am I completely paranoid and crazy? (He made me feel crazy and accused me of being crazy before first breakup). Note: I know I was immature as well, but considering the stress I was faced with from all sorts of directions (work, wanting to be accepted by his son and his friends, illness and ultimately death of my grandmother, who had practically raised me, and my guilt at not being there for her, not being able to go see her, which made me feel so sh*tty and guilty, and feeling like I didn't need all the grief I was getting from my bf's friends and him not trying to shield me from it, knowing what I was going through, etc.), I think I dealt with it to the best of my abilities to cope with such situations and stresses... He is 43. I am 32. We were together for a year and a half, with this being the second major break-up, and some mini-breakups before the two break-ups, that lasted for an hour or two during which I tried to persuade him not to breakup. Link to comment
Caiis101 Posted October 25, 2015 Share Posted October 25, 2015 I think you should go NC. Honestly the back and forth is not healthy for either one you and definitely not for his son. Why do you want to play second fiddle to his friends ? It dosent sound like he will ever put you before them. I know you love him and I am sure he loves you but something isn't working otherwise you wouldn't have all this back and forth. You have soooo many different emotions running through your mind right now I think going NC would allow the emotions to settle. It will allow you to make a better decision in regards to your relationship when emotions aren't running so high. I personally don't think you were wrong about the snub or that there is anything that could you could have done differently. It's natural when a relationship ends that you begin to panic and think about the decision that was made. You also begin to think things were your fault and stress about how you should have handled things differently. It sucks but I think once you give it time your going to realize that you deserve to he treated better. Link to comment
Birdie Posted October 25, 2015 Share Posted October 25, 2015 Ok I made it to the second last paragraph I think. You need to stop thinking about YOU in this situation, that's pretty much what this whole post was. Of course his friends weren't fans of you, they watched their buddy all July and August fight with you and constantly try to break up with you, do you really think he was happy? If that was my friend my hackles would be raised. Friends are the ones who watch your back and usually have better insight into healthy vs unhealthy relationships because they aren't emotionally involved. Instead of slowly trying to reintegrate into the group and make amends, you threw a fit he was hanging out with them without you....he's allowed to hang out with friends alone. I don't go to every event my SO is invited to, we are a couple but we have our own lives. Multiple breakups are usually indicative of unhealthy relationships. I think you need to work on yourself, ask why you wanted to be with someone you continuously had to talk out of breaking up with you? He didn't make time for you....so why did you stay? What's with the game playing (fake breaking up with him hoping he'll "fight" for you)? Love isn't enough. It seems you guys were incompatible, but you refused to accept that. Link to comment
NoMoreJerks Posted October 25, 2015 Author Share Posted October 25, 2015 Birdie, I didn't fake-break up with him. I really was upset and wanted to break up with him. But it was a spur-of-the-moment thing, and the wanting him to fight for me thing, is basically me saying that in hindsight, that maybe that is what I wanted him to do, subsconsciously. As for his friends seeing us fighting -- well, actually, part of the fight was because his friends had gotten involved in our very first "fight." His best friend's boyfriend had told him that he no longer wanted to see me, that I was a b*tch, etc. He then proceeded to remove me from FB. The next day, I asked him what his plans were, and he said he was going to have lunch with HIM. The one who had called me a b*tch. I asked him how he could do that when that guy had just called me a b*tch. His GF. That he was STILL with. That led to another fight between us. I didn't appreciate how his friends from the start jumped to the occasion to instigate or meddle in our relationship issues. If I tell my friends about relationship issues, they give me advice, but they don't tell me they don't want to see my boyfriend, ever, because of our relationship issues.... I don't think that's a healthy or normal dose of involvement by friends. Also, they didn't just start getting involved after a month of bickering between me and my bf. They were PART of that bickering in the first place. I don't mind that he hangs out with his friends, alone. However, if he works 3 days of the week, then has his son for the next 3 days, during which his friends show up and do dinner, and the other 2 days he wants to spend one on one time with his son, then that leaves with 1 day a week, at the most. And that day, he has to spend it preparing for his class on Monday. Which means we can barely see each other for a few hrs, if at all. Also, I want to spend time with him and his son, as well. AND, what about special occasions? He always does a Christmas party at his place, invites all his friends. Now all of a sudden, because a few of his friends are all territorial about who he spends his time with, and who he dates, I have to be excluded from that as well? How was that going to work out? I am not proud of throwing a fit, but if you put yourself in my shoes -- for how long was I expected to wait? I was given the impression that it was an open-ended thing. His friends made that much clear. There was no specific time-frame. It seemed like they wanted me to kiss their b*tts for some unspecified reason. I had a hard time understanding why they were making such a huge deal out of it, when their friend (my bf/ex) had taken me back, now they were more papal than the pope? I call BS on that. They were just ready to pounce on me at the slightest opportunity. Also, it's one thing to not be invited to things because the BF needs to spend time alone with his friends from time to time. It's another to not be invited because you are not welcome. AT ALL. This is not an issue of him spending alone time or not. This is not an issue of me controlling who he sees and when and why. Also, for someone who expects me to have no problem with him hanging out one-on-one with his female friend (for whatever reason, her trying to exclude me or not), he oddly had a problem with me hanging out with any men, alone or in groups. He even accused me of deleting men from my FB, after I had supposedly had sex with them (!). He even named the men I had deleted from my FB and asked me if I had had sex with them, why I had deleted them, etc. That's just crazy and insulting. And I bet this is an idea put in his head by his best friend, who herself does stuff like that (she was cheating on her BF with her BF's friend). He asked me to go through my facebook list of friends and explain to him who each of these men were, and why I had added them. How humiliating is that (in hindsight)! Of course, I did it, because I loved him and felt like I had to reassure him... but most of my friends are in another country anyway, they are just friends from elementary and secondary school, that I haven't seen in well over 20 years....... Link to comment
NoMoreJerks Posted October 25, 2015 Author Share Posted October 25, 2015 I think you should go NC. Honestly the back and forth is not healthy for either one you and definitely not for his son. This is exactly what I wanted to avoid. I asked him several times, whether he was sure about the break-up, the first time around. I also think that he did not set a good example for his son in many ways. I get him a 40" TV for his birthday, and a bluray player, share my Netflix password for him and his son to use, and then a few days later, out of the blue, he breaks up with me for his friend(s). I asked him how he's gonna explain that one to his son. He said: I will just tell him it didn't work out, that we tried another time and it didn't work out. But think about it, what is his son going to learn? That it's OK to break up, and get back together, use a woman, let her get you stuff/presents, and then break up with her, for whatever reason. We set examples for children. That kid is gonna become a "user". Toying with women to get what he wants/when he's having fun/getting the things he wants and then dumping them when the going gets tough and there are issues to confront. Not only that, but he allowed his friends to badmouth me in front of his son, in my absence. He even did it himself (at first he accused his friends of doing it, but then fessed up to doing it himself). This is why, when he begged me to give him another chance, I told him that I hope he had made peace with the fact that he had opted to burn the bridges between me and his friends, and me and his son. Because partly, it has also his fault that he had allowed his friends to get so involved in our relationship. It was no longer even a fight between me and him, but actually a gang-up against me by him, his friends, his son. Why do you want to play second fiddle to his friends ? It dosent sound like he will ever put you before them. I know you love him and I am sure he loves you but something isn't working otherwise you wouldn't have all this back and forth. You have soooo many different emotions running through your mind right now I think going NC would allow the emotions to settle. It will allow you to make a better decision in regards to your relationship when emotions aren't running so high. I don't want to play second fiddle to his friends. I was hoping that we were on an even keel. But I guess his friends left him with no choice but to take a pick as to whom he would prioritize, and later on, as to whom he would keep and whom he would dump. I guess I had lost the battle before it had even begun. I don't know if he loved me. I loved him, and I still do. Or more accurately, I love who I thought he was. It hurts, and I am still in shock. That he could treat me like that. Out of the blue. Blindside me. Knowing how much it was gonna hurt me. Especially considering my grandmother's health. It's almost like he WANTED to hurt me. And I am also shocked because when I saw him , when he broke up with me, he was scary. He looked like a sociopath. It's like I didn't know him at all. For days, I kept looking at his photos, and asking him (or his photos) OUT LOUD: WHO ARE YOU?Who were you? How did I not know YOU? All this time, and I didn't know WHO you were. It's bizarre. It's like, even the way I see him, his facial features, it looks different, it feels like he is a stranger to me because I no longer saw the person that I used to think he was, the way he talked to me that last time. It's the strangest feeling I have experienced. I personally don't think you were wrong about the snub or that there is anything that could you could have done differently. It's natural when a relationship ends that you begin to panic and think about the decision that was made. You also begin to think things were your fault and stress about how you should have handled things differently. It sucks but I think once you give it time your going to realize that you deserve to he treated better. Thank you. Your post and your words are of immense help and are a relief. Do you think that he , as the dumper, also feels the same way ? That he could have handled things differently? That he has the same sorts of questions? I am NC now. I was NC from the start, until last Wednesday, with that email which I did not get a response to (not yet anyway, probably never). I was back on NC shortly thereafter. I don't regret sending that email. I was going crazy and was acting really obsessed for the 2-3 days before I sent it. I was going to go mad, for real. I had to get it off my chest, regardless of whether or not I'd regret it eventually. I needed to know that I had done everything to let him know that if he had regretted his decision already, I wanted to give things another go. It doesn't mean that I will always be there, so if he is playing games and playing hard to get, then his loss. I've already started moving on. But the doubts and the pain and the regret and guilt are still very much there. Link to comment
Caiis101 Posted October 25, 2015 Share Posted October 25, 2015 The doubts, pain,shock and guilt are there because this is all still fresh. Our brains play hard tricks on us when we go through a loss such as a break up which is why even if he were to contact you ...that you should keep the nc going until your mentally in a better place to make a fair decision about the relationship. (Just my opinion) I don't think he wanted to hurt you. I am sure he cares and loves you too but the cycle of the back and forth and his friends putting their two cents in probably just took a big toll. But like the person above said all the back and forth is usually an indication of an unhealthy relationship. It's hard to face and accept sometimes...especially when your in love and invision a happy future with someone ...but that old saying love isn't enough. It's very true. You can love someone, that person can be a good person but other life circumstances that aren't going to change make it impossible for the relationship to work. You can say and think about all the what ifs that you want but that's just how it is. Ofcoarse when you see pictures of him or think about him you see him differently because he hurt you. (It is probably best as well to stay away from his social media account. His friends accounts as well) I'm sure he is having moments of reflection too about your relationship as well because that's what we do in times of loss. That's how we learn and grow. But you have to keep reminding yourself that this is the reality, this is how things were meant to play out. Analyzing how things could have gone does no good. If it was meant to play out a different way then it would have. Again our minds play evil tricks on us which is where the overanalyzing, doubt and guilt come to play. You just have to distract yourself when that happens. Time heals all ...time will heal this too. It's hard sometimes to completely move forward when you don't have all the answers you want but just keep reminding your self that you have to and that you want better. Link to comment
NoMoreJerks Posted October 25, 2015 Author Share Posted October 25, 2015 Hi Caiis101, Thanks for the reply and advice! The reason I am so confused and feel that he never loved me and wanted to hurt me is that we had it really worse in July, for the whole month, and despite the breakup the first time, he begged for me to take him back 2 weeks later. So if it was so unhealthy, he should have realized it then, no? This is why I feel used. Now I remember little things that he did in the run-up to the second break-up, 3 days before the break-up, we met up in the evening after his night shift on Wednesday, and he said he wanted to pick up a case of beer, and he said he used to pick up that exact brand/type of beer, whenever he was single, after his Wednesday shift. It's almost like he was doing things he used to do when he was single, only in my company, and getting his brain slowly accustomed to the idea of getting back into that old routine, basically phasing me out. I feel that is incredibly selfish. Not to mention that he kept doing the hot-cold treatment, bringing me cake and being so lovey and amazing one day, and then turning into a zombie the following day, and breaking up with me. I don't know why he all of a sudden, this time around, felt that the cycle was not healthy. It was actually much more improved than the first round, except that his friends got even more involved this time around. What kind of man would dump his gf based on his friends' decision that he has to dump her???? If it was the case that all healthy, normal men would listen to their female or male friends' opinions about their GF and dump her based on that, and on their pressures, then no man would ever have a GF and every friend would do that sort of pressuring, to get rid of a GF who he thought was taking up too much of his friend's time, etc. Do you think his friends' involvement in all this, and the degree to which they did, was normal??? If he had involved them, then it means he was not a healthy person who was able to have healthy boundaries between him and his friends, and if they had involved themselves, the same goes for them. Which is why I say it was more like I was dealing all the time with not just my BF but with his female best friend as well, and it felt more like a love triangle than anything else. I mean, are all best friends so involved in the romantic life of their friend????? That's just weird. I mean, this woman has prevented my ex from having a normal healthy relationship with me, and who knows, has been responsible for previous breakups as well. Which tells me that there is an unhealthy obsession with my BF (and vice versa). To me, a person who is so dead set against my BF, to the point of trying to actively ruin my love life, rather than just giving me advice, etc., is not a good friend. But people always say, do not go against your BF's friends, because you can't win. I appreciate loyalty, but at the same time, I wasn't the one who went against his friend, she was the one who did it! I would've thought that he wouldn't be so blinded by his LOVE for his female friend, that he would ruin his relationship for her, based on unsubstantiated claims, social isolation, etc.? I guess part of me wants to be persuaded that this man is f*cked up and in general his dynamics with his friends is f*cked up, and he will not be able to keep any woman in his life unless he learns to draw some boundaries. He has struggled to draw boundaries, between himself and his kid as well. I also feel that if it was a male friend who did this, I wouldn't have been so upset, but the fact that it's a woman, it made me feel like he had more of a "relationship" (gf-bf type) with her than with me, especially if I was no longer going to be involved in his social life / activities at all. It's like I became the "other woman" in his life. Is this territoriality? A lot of friends who get pushed out and have less time to spend with their friend, get upset and get territorial. I'm wondering what this was all about. Or if she likes him (and vice versa), even if subconsciously? If I know that this dynamic and situation was not healthy and that these people are not acting the way average people do and that this is not the way normal dynamics are between gf/bf/his-friends, it will make me feel better because I will know that at the very least, I dodged a bullet, nothing could've been done to fix the situation, that the situation is such that this man will most likely never have a woman in his life , at least not a healthy one who has healthy boundaries, etc. I don't know if what I am saying makes any sense. But I also don't want to be told that, just for the heck of making me feel better. I wanted to get outsiders' opinion on this, so that I can know if I was the one who created a situation out of something that should've been acceptable to a healthy person who knew how to manage conflicts and relationships... or if anyone who was sane would have found a problem with this and would've broken up with this man when faced with such a situation. Link to comment
mhowe Posted October 25, 2015 Share Posted October 25, 2015 Never break up with someone to teach them a lesson and get them to"fight" for the relationship. That is when you lost any support amongst his friends...as it is seen as immature and manipulative. In addition, your expectations of a guy who has joint custody was way out of line and your demands that he pay attention to you cooked your own goose. Link to comment
mhowe Posted October 25, 2015 Share Posted October 25, 2015 My bf's best friend is a female...and she is his go to person for advice. It isn't unusual at all. The issue is, is that they couldn't support your attitude and he realized that the cycle was unearthly for him and his son. Link to comment
NoMoreJerks Posted October 25, 2015 Author Share Posted October 25, 2015 Never break up with someone to teach them a lesson and get them to"fight" for the relationship. That is when you lost any support amongst his friends...as it is seen as immature and manipulative. In addition, your expectations of a guy who has joint custody was way out of line and your demands that he pay attention to you cooked your own goose. I didn't fake break up with him to teach him a lesson. I was upset and frustrated and wanted this to work but I felt that he , his son and his friends were all working against it. I loved him so it was that part of me that was battling my brain and its mssg that it was time to break up. I regretted it the minute I said it. It's not as if I went home and waited for him to run after me. He also did the same by the way. His friends didn't just realize I was bad for him. Actually it was that one best friend of his not all his friends. She lied to him and said that I had sent her nasty messages then refused to show them to him because they were too nasty. I don't think that's a sign that she was feeling I was bad news or manipulative. If anyhing, she was the one manipulating my bf..... I really didn't understand why she would behave that way and stick her nose into our relationship. Being asked for advice is one thing. Actively becoming involved in relationship issues is another thing.... also, she has done the whole breakup thing with her own bf , on top of cheating on him.... so it's mighty hypocritical of her to claim she could no longer support my attitude. In fact she has been treated like crap by her and her bf's mutual friends and had no trouble going back and being friends with them. IMO based on all these things that I saw in their behavior (bf, best friend, etc) she was actively trying to sabotage our relationship and not because she cared so much about my ex's happinness. All the facts point out to that. I have not done a thing against her despite her manipulative ways. She was apparently real happy that she was seeing my ex every day after the first breakup... Link to comment
NoMoreJerks Posted October 25, 2015 Author Share Posted October 25, 2015 As for expecting too much of a dad with joint custody. I call BS on that. His ex (son's mom) has 2 more kids and works full time and still has time for a relationship and friends. He has time to see me. If he wanted to. He could have seen me on days he had his son. I loved doing dinner at home with them. But his friends then put conditions. That they were gonna hang out at his wih him and his son and he couldn't invite me because thwy were boycotting me.... so his friends decided he no longer should have the time for me and if he did then he wouldn't see them. I call THAT manipulative. If I was manipulative I don't see how what THEY did wasn't manipulative? Link to comment
mhowe Posted October 25, 2015 Share Posted October 25, 2015 Bottom line....he would rather keep his friends. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted October 25, 2015 Share Posted October 25, 2015 You broke up with him more than once because you hoped he'd beg you not to break up with him. That IS manipulative. I don't really buy the excuse that it was a spur of the moment action because you did it more than once. Regardless...this relationship has way too much drama for it to be a lasting, healthy relationship. And no, that is not his friends' fault. It's no one's fault. You two are simply a mismatch. I recommend no more heartfelt emails, no more showing up at his house and no more multiple phone calls. Time to let this mismatch go and start healing. And start figuring out why you would want more of this drama. Link to comment
NoMoreJerks Posted October 26, 2015 Author Share Posted October 26, 2015 Bottom line....he would rather keep his friends. YUP! Now this is a post I can 100% agree with! I wish him the best, and hope he finds the happiness he is looking for in life. But I doubt he will find it. Not with the kind of friends and the f*cked up dynamic he has with them. Forget it. No woman has ever stuck around long enough. And those who did, he dumped them (probably for similar reasons, or because he felt they were gonna dump him anyway). The only relationship he had been able to maintain for some time was with the mother of his child, and they had become like friends, no sex, nothing, and she didn't even give a damn about him, threw a tupperware party with her female friends on his bday, completely forgetting his birthday, and he then went ahead and cheated on her and left her (didn't even tell her he had left her for the woman he cheated on her with, she told her, after he pissed her off). This is all stuff that he told me. He had stuck around for his kid, that he had wanted her to abort in the first place. And now, with me, he was using his son as an excuse not to get close to me, not to commit, etc. Convenient. The very son he wanted to have aborted..... bottom line, he threw away the woman who cared so much about him, did her best to be accepted by his son and his friends, despite all the difficulties (my parents are not open-minded about me being with a man 10 years my senior, who has a son, whose son was born out of wedlock, etc., me not being fluent in the only language that his son and friends speak, so having to quickly get up to speed on my language skills, to better communicate with him, his son, his friends, etc.) succeeding despite the odds, at adapting myself... to everything... his schedule, his friends, his social life... I gave and gave and gave, and he took took took, until I was out of stuff to give... and I was all empty and exhausted and stressed. And he still wanted more, and brought his friends along, to demand more of me. To bend over backwards and lick their shoes, or something. probably even took me back, in order to humiliate me. Link to comment
mhowe Posted October 26, 2015 Share Posted October 26, 2015 I don't think he has given it 1/10th the thought you have. Best of luck moving forward. Link to comment
NoMoreJerks Posted October 26, 2015 Author Share Posted October 26, 2015 You broke up with him more than once because you hoped he'd beg you not to break up with him. That IS manipulative. I don't really buy the excuse that it was a spur of the moment action because you did it more than once. Regardless...this relationship has way too much drama for it to be a lasting, healthy relationship. And no, that is not his friends' fault. It's no one's fault. You two are simply a mismatch. I recommend no more heartfelt emails, no more showing up at his house and no more multiple phone calls. Time to let this mismatch go and start healing. And start figuring out why you would want more of this drama. Look -- I don't know why I broke up with him. I was definitely frustrated and upset, and I didn't know what else to do, how else to try to tell him that the problem had become intolerable and needed to be resolved, ASAP, because it was REALLY bothering me. I mean, it was bothering me. That's me. If he doesn't give a sh*t as to what is bothering his GF, that's another story! Anyway, I KNEW it was not the right thing to do, I was AWARE OF IT, I wanted to stop myself from doing it, but I couldn't control my anger and frustration, and it was like there were 2 voices in my head, one for and one against it. And it was like I was no longer in control, like there was no one "me", like I was a helpless third person, watching it all unfold. I am not kidding. This is how it happened (I made a post on another forum about the weird obsessive thoughts / temper tantrums I've been having for the past 6 months or so). I am not proud of what I did, nor am I saying it was the right thing to do. But he knew I was stressed and upset, way before I even threw these tantrums, and he did NOTHING to reassure me that he was working on it, that we will go through it together, etc. I don't think it was all his friends' fault. But his friends were definitely instigating a lot of the fights and re-instigating them as soon as we were over our fights! The best friend's boyfriend cheered him on and pushed him to break up with me the first time around. Then, when we talked things through and decided to stay together, he told my BF that he didn't want to see me again, that I was a b*tch. What? I mean, how is this in any way HIS prerogative???? If ANY of my friends went that extreme after I asked for their opinion about my relationship issues and my BF, they'd cease to be my friends. Right away. That is a lack of respect for my BF/EX, as much as it is a lack of respect for ME. And on top of that, my ex wanted to hang out with that guy, who is not even a close friend of his, the day after he had called me a b*tch. To me, it is not about him not even wanting to break ties with his best friend. It's not a loyalty issue. He had never even gone to lunch with that guy, EVER. It's almost like they were playing mind games with me. And yeah, definitely, this has been toxic for me, more so than him. I have been ganged-up on. I have been basically fighting against the odds, to keep this relationship afloat, while him, his son, his friends (led by his best friend), his neighbor (who was his ex), were all fighting to sabotage the relationship. I think part of his neighbor's refusal to see me again, was that she was upset, because while my ex had dumped her and never looked back, my ex was having a hard time dealing with the breakup that he had initiated with me. According to him, he had been crying a lot, in the days following the first break-up, because he missed me and regretted his decision. Maybe his ex got jealous and hurt, that, SHE was not worth his tears, but I was.. That he had not wanted to take HER back, but had wanted to take ME back. I told him this, and I said I understand, it's basic psychology/ego thing.. and he said, you might be right. I am not stupid. I observe people and I also put myself in their shoes. I have tried putting myself in his friends' shoes, as well, and I still don't understand why they acted all b*tthurt, because I had done NOTHING against them. Or even against their friend (my ex) -- at least nothing that my ex was unwilling to forgive. So who are THEY to be more papal than the pope? I am not sending any emails, and I am proud of myself for not going to his house (like I had done after the first breakup). I haven't called him, at all. I am focusing on myself. Earlier, I went to see a play .I had bought 2 tickets, we were meant to go see it together, and I didn't feel like going, because I was scared it was gonna make me feel bad, since we were gonna go together.. but I said, screw that, I am going, I am not wasting my ticket, even if I wasted his.. And I had a lot of fun, and didn't even think of him. Plenty more fish in the sea, as well. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted October 26, 2015 Share Posted October 26, 2015 he said that with his ex, whom he had lived with (we don't live together), they wouldn't see each other for days sometimes, even though they lived together..... I told him that would not work for me, and probably that is why their relationship had failed in the first place, that no one is that busy, etc. Also, that it's different when you live together; you know that the person is around all the time. However, not seeing each other for a week or two or more, just because one person is not making any effort despite being on vacation, is a different story! He didn't really change his behavior, and even cancelled on a pre-scheduled dinner with me and his son, because he wanted to take his son (yet again) to a friend's house (his friend's , not his son's friend), as he had a pool. He had done that every day of that week, so I was mad that he cancelled on me last minute to go there. It really provoked me into an angry state, and I lost my cool, started yelling, said some very mean things, etc. Basically, said everything that had been bothering me up to that point. Spilled it all out. I tried to get a reaction out of him (not a mature thing to do, I know) by going to his place and telling him I was there to pick up my stuff and that it was over. He called my bluff. But it wasn't just that. He really didn't seem all that bothered. Of course, I was hoping he would fight for me, and didn't want to break up with him. So we ended up trying to talk, he needed some convincing to get back together (even though I was the one who broke up with him... guess it wasn't all that one-sided after all?).. We did get back together, but the pattern repeated itself, I lost my cool again, etc. Several times. Pretty much every week during the month of July. He had tried to break up with me several times during the month of July and August, and I tried to convince him to take me back, begged, pleaded, and he took me back, only for him to try to break up again. The reason you guys broke up is because he wasn't that into you. He's living with this ex, barely wanted to spend time with you, and was continually trying to break up with you. I think you turning into a ball of anger was unhealthy because you thought you could try to make it work with someone who was pretty much gone. And even getting back together seemed more about him slightly missing you/feeling jealous than truly loving you and wanting to work on things. I think this relationship was doomed even outside the friends issue. That was just more drama on the cake. I think the lessons to learn here are: 1. Don't date a man who lives with his ex. That's a big red flag for emotional unavailability. 2. If someone is distant and pulling away, anger and pushing them will not work. Realize they are no longer interested and end the relationship. 3. See a therapist to help you deal with your feelings in a healthy way. Link to comment
NoMoreJerks Posted October 26, 2015 Author Share Posted October 26, 2015 Hi Ms Darcy, Your response makes a lot of sense, except for this one tidbit which is not factually correct: that he lives with his ex. I am not sure what I said to give that impression. He does not live with his ex. He lives alone. I think you misunderstood what I wanted to say: he USED to live with his ex, many years ago (the mother of his child). He used to bring it as an example, of how they wouldn't see each other for an entire week despite living together. Anyway, his female best friend is always dropping by unannounced, like it is her place. She sees him multiple times a week, talks to him every day, and basically has a great hold on him. To me, it doesn't seem like a normal/healthy friendship. He always invites people to dinner when his son is with him, but I was invited only every now and then, while his friend was always there. Also, he often told me that he wanted one-on-one time with his son, and then I found out later that his female friend had dropped by on the day he wanted one-on-one time with his son, and he had no problem with THAT. And then, sometimes he would say that he wanted more one-on-one time with his son because he hadn't really gotten that time with his son alone cos of his friend showing up. Also, after the reconciliation, his friend wanted to go to dinners at his place, but she didn't want me to be there. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted October 26, 2015 Share Posted October 26, 2015 he said that with his ex, whom he had lived with (we don't live together), they wouldn't see each other for days sometimes, even though they lived together. Oh, my apologies. I read this to mean that they still lived together. Link to comment
NoMoreJerks Posted October 26, 2015 Author Share Posted October 26, 2015 I think you turning into a ball of anger was unhealthy because you thought you could try to make it work with someone who was pretty much gone. And even getting back together seemed more about him slightly missing you/feeling jealous than truly loving you and wanting to work on things. Hi Ms. Darcy, I re-read this, and you are 100% right. I realized this, I think, but still cared too much about him to let go -- I wanted to fight for the relationship, for him, for US. But I guess that was the wrong thing to do. I guess he was never really interested in me, never really loved me, was just flattered by my attentions to him and the sex he had been getting. I suppose for him, we were really FWB. I mean, I think that is the only reason anyone would not seem at all bothered when you tell them you are so unhappy you had been thinking of breaking up. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted October 26, 2015 Share Posted October 26, 2015 His female friend would not have been there and would not be dropping in any time she felt like it unless he was OK with it. Link to comment
NoMoreJerks Posted October 26, 2015 Author Share Posted October 26, 2015 His female friend would not have been there and would not be dropping in any time she felt like it unless he was OK with it. Yeah. I know. Exactly. Which is why I said I felt like he was more in a relationship with her than with me.... He then claimed he was OK with me doing the same, but at the same time, he always dropped hints or directly told me that he wanted to spend alone time with his son, which I totally respected. And then I found out his female friend came over (when she had done so the day before as well!!). So he can say no to his GF, but not to his best friend? Or maybe SHE was his GF and I was just a FWB on the side? Maybe he was having an emotional affair with her? I mean, is that a normal level of seeing-each-other -- that a man who has a GF, would see his female friend (or any friend, male or female) more than her?? Obviously, his friend being a woman makes it all the more of a red flag in my mind... but regardless of the gender of the friend, I would've said it was an unhealthy level of involvement in each others' lives... Link to comment
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