Am I messing up my kids?

[mindless14]

My ex and I split almost 2 years ago. Throughout all of this, my 5 year old has had some issues, behaviorally, that have usually ended up stemming back to something to do with the split or his father's relationship. Recently he's started having issues again, and my once happy sweet son is angry and depressed. He told me it's because since his father started a new job, he doesn't see him as much. I also know that his relationship with his girlfriend is very volatile and fights have happened in front of the kids. Recently, I started dating someone. What my ex has a problem with is that I'm dating his girlfriends ex husband. Weird. I know. But the 4 of us were all friends before anyone split up. They ended up together. Him and I stayed friends. And almost 2 years later ended up dating. My ex says we're messing up the kids. And the recent issues are because of our relationship. We're being selfish by wanting to be together. We just introduced this to the kids 2 weeks ago. In that time, when him and his kids are around, my son couldn't be happier. He asks for him when he's not there. He says he loves and misses him. And we don't see any issues when the kids are with us. We just hear things from our exes when they go back there. My ex just told me that he thinks I'm just lonely, that there's no future here and that I have no idea who this man really is and he's lying to me. Mind you, we've been friends since the beginning and got to know each other pretty well before realizing there were feelings there and deciding to date. My ex and his have also recently been trying to act really nice all of a sudden and make small talk. Which they never do. She even made a comment to him about "coming back". Are they just bitter because they're unhappy and we found happiness with each other? Are they trying to make us feel guilty so we break up? Or are they right? Are we really messing up our kids? I signed my son up for counseling today, through his school to hopefully start next week and maybe get some answers from him, because I can't trust that his father isn't lying to me.

[DoF]

This one is pretty simple and straight forward IMO.

 

Your boy is simply THRIVING for attention and companionship from his father. Married or divorced matter NONE. He simply wants time with his father, and his father is out there doing whatever and NOT being a good father. Tell him he needs to step up and make his CHILD a priority in life. Right now, he is not, and he feels it and is HURTING.

 

I think you are doing it wrong engaging with your Ex as well (into matters that are outside of what they should be).

 

Your communication with him at this point should be "CHILD ONLY". nothing less and nothing more. Do NOT engage with him into ANYTHING but your child. he has no business talking or getting into your personal life OR your relationship. You are an adult/mature woman capable of handling your own business.

 

You guys are done, and there is NOTHING left between you OTHER than your child. That's it.

 

Besides, you should never talk about private matters with ANYONE but your current partner.

 

And to answer your original question, no you are NOT messing up your kids, your ex is!

 

Good luck

[mindless14]

I agree completely that he doesn't get enough attention from his father. Which is exactly what I've thought the issue was. My ex and I do not however talk unless it regards the kids. This conversation came up because I let him know that I had put our son in counseling and that's what he yelled back at me.

[DoF]

I agree completely that he doesn't get enough attention from his father. Which is exactly what I've thought the issue was. My ex and I do not however talk unless it regards the kids. This conversation came up because I let him know that I had put our son in counseling and that's what he yelled back at me.

 

That's when you stop him, and tell him, not to ever yell at you again. Only way you will ever communicate with him is in an adult manner. You will not talk to him if anger is involved.

 

Draw a CLEAR line.

 

I already have a feeling that he is a ty father and chances of him investing more time with your child are minimal....based on history.

 

What I wold recommend next (assuming it remains) is take this and allow it to make you a better mother and your son to build character. Teach him that "we are on our own" and we have to be strong and NOT rely on other people in our lives and be happy and go on no matter what. Tell him that it's important to just be happy/positive and optimistic, ESPECIALLY during times when you feel down. Life is a roller coaster, full of ups and downs. (might be a little too early for him at 5, but hey, life is TOUGH, sooner he learns that the better IMO).

 

Also, be careful with the whole behavior thing and your son. 5 year olds SHOULDN'T really behave all that great anyways, it has more to do with human nature and age than anything else.

 

Just maintain a strong/healthy home environment. Keep being a good mother and make ANYTHING negative that happens into positive and be optimistic.

 

Your son is like a monkey or a sponge, he will do EXACTLY the same thing as YOU do.