I want her back... Messed up story... Looking for advice

[dany89]

Hello everyone. This is my first post, and I would like some advice... I'm going through a really complicated situation and I'm afraid I'm not taking the right actions. This will probably be a long post so thank you for your time reading this.

 

It all started in June last year. A friend of mine made himself a girlfriend and introduced her to me. It was all good, we were hanging out ocasionally, made some trips together and we had great times. I never even thought about his gf in a romantic way, that's not who I was. I also started a new job, a decent job for my town, and started to take care of myself... buying stuff I wanted and all that. After I got a nice 3D tv, we started to get together and watch movies at my place.

 

After new years, his gf, let's call her Ana, started to talk more with me, usually via SMS, said she didn't have who to talk to since one of her closest friend was dealing with a dramatic family issue. I had no problem with that. I liked having a female friend, it was a good change. I never expected anything more, I was actually expecting a wedding between the two of them. Then she started seeking my help in some events and we planned some gifts in person, I was fine with that since I tried to be good friend. Also, I had no girlfriend, in fact, I'm a bit ashamed to say, I have never been with a girl before (I was 25). So, I was a bit of a loser in the love department. All the girls I was attracted to turned me down and I kinda' stopped hoping at one point.

 

Anyway, I never thought she would be interested in me in a more than friendly way, you know, since she was in a commited relationship and "seemed" happy. One day, she wanted to give her bf a gift, a good mouse for his laptop, and wanted my help. So I helped her order one, I even helped him with some prints for some school stuff and when I went to give him these, I picked up Ana and went to his place. I didn't know why she was a bit nervous, but I didn't want to overthink it. We were just buddies. Then she tells me to go out the next day and maybe hook me up with one of her friends who she thought was single. I said sure, why not. Then later that evening she called me about the next day and told me not to hook up with her friend cause it would make her jealous. I thought I didn't hear her right and didn't think about this statement, it was odd to say such a thing when she was in a commited relationship.

 

So the next day, she texteed me that she has something important to tell me, and she finally confessed that she had some intense feelings for me. I was shocked, didn't know what to say... since no girl has ever said this to me. I had no idea what to feel, I looked at her like a buddy and nothing more, I tried to convince her that it's nothing important, to think of her job, of her jogging and other activities, and these "feelings" would go away... she didn't agree with me. I didn't want to blow her off just like that, I wanted to know more details. Later that evening Ana and her bf got together at my place, watched a movie and then went out to meet with her friends. It was a bit awkward, and she drank a lot of beers, her bf said he didn't see her like that before... I told him it was a probably rough day at work.

 

After that we began talking about this thing on the phone, daily... hours at a time. Thing is, we got to know each other more and more, and she really wanted to know me better, we discovered each other more and more and noticed we had a lot of common traits, similar backgrounds and what not. I began to really fall for her, and it was scary... I never knew a girl that wanted me so bad. I asked her how would she reacted if we stopped, she confessed she'd be very disappointed and angry and take it out on her bf. I didn't want that. Then she started confessing the shortcommings of her relationship, he didn't appreciate her, was a mommy's boy, didn't accept her hobbies, tried to change her into a someone she's not, they were fighting a lot, they lived with his parents and his mother was fighting with her a lot. Also, he didn't even bother to get a job or study for his degree however hard she insisted.

 

Basically, her emotional needs were unsatisfied and found me to fulfill them, I didn't understand this at the time, as I said, I never have been with a girl before. She also found this about me, and she was even more interested. We then started to see each other before work, share some kisses, and we were driving ourselves crazy with every touch. I've never felt like this before but I really fell for this girl. I know it was bad to do it while she was with someone else, but I saw that it made her happy, comforted her, and every time she went back at his place, she'd get angry and upset of something. After like 3 weeks since she confessed we took a chance and went out in my car somewhere remote. We didn't make love, since she was on her period, but she wanted to very badly. We just hugged each other, kissed pasionally, and felt each other for hours, before she had to get back.

 

After a week, we met at her work place after hours and remained there. I was nervous, never made love before and didn't want to fail... I was afraid to get too excited and not even reach third base.... BUT, for my surprise it didn't go like that at all. We had almost an hour of foreplay, kisses, caressing and what not, then she couldn't resist and we got naked and went on with it. We made love for almost 3 hours, and she had several orgasms.... I don't know what to say, she made me crazy and I wanted to satisfy her as best as I could. Problem was, I couldn't finish myself... it was odd... and she was also intimidated, and wouldn't believe it was my first time. She said she wasted 7 years of her life with other guys who didn't appreciate her as they should, and I have to admit, that made me feel really good. (since, I haven't been with anyone I prepared myself with sex knowledge) She was also ashamed that isntead of teaching me things, she discovered stuff about her own body from me.

 

What can I say, after that experience we were hooked on each other. But I got too attached to her, and couldn't handle her being with someone else. She had a trip planned after a week with her bf to visit her parents in Spain... she regreted that she couldn't cancel it. It was hard for both of us, she was depressed all the time and her bf felt something was wrong (she only tried to make love with him one time since our first and she felt horrible, and it went really bad). Anyway, I couldn't handle this, I was madly in love with her and I couldn't handle the fact that she was with someone else. I broke conection with her bf and told him it's not his fault, I am going through some stuff and needed time to think. Then he immediately rushed at her work place and wanted some answers. I told her to tell him she doens't know what is going on and continue her relationship with him and but we couldn't speak anymore.

 

She didn't do that, she confessed to her bf and she has feelings for me and she needed some time alone. I was surprised about her decision. I wanted to back out, but she couldn't let me go. She came to my place and told me what she did, my parents were there too.... I was pretty heartbroken after what decision I made that day, but then I was somehow relieved since I knew I wasn't just a fling for her and she actually had intense feelings for me since she decided to take a break with her bf.

 

Anyway, while they were on a break, we continued to see each other at my place almost everyday, we were secretive but I didn't care, we were very happy, we continued to discover ourselves and we made love like there was no tomorrow. She also took good care of me, cleaned my room, the bathroom, arranged stuff, took care of my skin and all kinds of little things, she hasn't done with anyone else. Actually, we ended doing a LOT of stuff she hadn't done with anyone else and we knew each other better than anyone. I knew all her secrets and she did mine. The beautiful part is, we accepted each other exactly how we were with no compromises. It was true love, we were a prefect fit, like a glove on a hand. After a while, she "broke" up with her bf officially, but that wasn't the end of it. He tried to confuse her, through her family, friends and whatnot. Her brain was a mess, she kept telling me they were broken off but she still was talking to him.

 

We never had any fights while we were together, we enjoyed ourselves like in paradise, we confessed our love to each other millions of times, and it really was true. But then all other people finally got into her head, confusing her of feelings and her ex-bf (who also tried all the tactics he could, to get her back and split us up). She became very weak and influencial. Suddenly she didn't know what she wanted... She was constantly meeting with her ex and he messed her had throwing blame on her and making her feel guilty which made her a complete mess on the mental level. She kept wishing we had met before, in "normal" conditions, that I was the greatest guy she ever met... but her ex was also pretty sinsible and that he had no fault and she believed it was all her fault. I tried to explain to her, it was not her fault, her ex's actions and attitude made her seek emotional affection somewhere else, that's what happens when a women is not respected and appreciated and ignored by her significant other. (correct me if I'm wrong)

 

After a couple months of this sharade, I couldn't take it anymore, she kept saying she needed to be alone for a while to think, she even went to a shrink once but with no success... Then one day, we were on holiday leave and we had big plans... I kept noticing her interesting in her ex, asking him what he's doing, where he is, and I snapped... told her to make a decision, to let him go completely or she'll lose me. I was deadly serious and put immense pressure on her. She couldn't act and we ended up having the biggest fight and broke it off. I was teared apart, she as well, and the next thing she did was call her ex and confess everything happened between us. Anyway, our holiday was completely ruined after this. I felt really sorry I acted like this and I told her I didn't want it to end like this, I still cared for her and love her more than anything in the world.

 

But it was too late, after she confessed to him, she promissed him that she'll never be with me, and probably not with him either, she just wants to be left alone to deal with this mess. I was really torn apart, wish I could do something to get her back and properly be together, for her to let go of the past and think about how good we were together. How we accepted each other for exactly who we were, without making any compromises with ourselves... We kept communicating by text, I started composing love poems for her, thing I never did before, and was completely new to me. This impressed her a lot, but she still wanted to be alone.

 

Then we planned to go to a big music festival, tried to convince her to still come with me, but she was still tied to the promises and guilt for her ex so I ended up going without her. That trip should have been a present for her since it was something she really wanted to do. We still kept in touch after that, even right after I got home from the festival, we talked over an hour on the phone. Problem was that we wanted different things, she wanted to be alone, don't be with anyone for a while, and I wanted to be with her, properly.... so we ended up having frequent fights because of this (this was the only reason we ever had any fights).

 

So what could I have done? I did what any rookie did in my shoes, became desperate, confessed my feelings for her every chance I got, wrote her love letters (emails), composed more poems. All these touched her and we talked with each other every day (she initiated the calls) but it didn't matter if she still loved me and missed me like crazy, she was determined to be alone and not hurt anyone anymore. We did this for maybe a month and a half, she was getting real horny and we even had phone sex a few times. but then after a while she got used to being single and said that we shouldn't talk so much. We did that, but then if I ever did any small friendly gestures she'd always react, misinterpret and start a fight. It's been almost 2 months now since we haven't talked daily... just maybe once a week or if she found out I did something that slightly involved her and react like the world was gonna' end. But for the last 3 weeks, I haven't reached out or did anything that could involve her at all, didn't even check out her fb profile or her friends, nothing. I respected her decision to be alone.

 

She only called me for my birthday and we had a short polite conversation, then the next day I was at an event and she called me to ask me if I talked to a friend of hers because he doesnt reply to her messages, and to check up on me what I am doing. I told her I ahvent spoken to anyone about her and haven't done anything related to her since her last outbreak and I never plan on doing it again in the future. I was planning in going into no contact mode with her, but I wanted her to understand me now, so after 8 days I sent her a short text to thank her for opening my eyes that I have been immature and reacted like a desperate kid when we stopped being together. I wanted to thank her for this because I unserstand now and I started working on "growing up" emotionally and that I was sorry for bringing her pain and suffering because of this (with all our fights since we stopped being together). I also told her to consider this message as a thought and me not actually sending it to her, since I didn't want to communicate for a while.

 

Of course she misinterpret what I said and thought I told her to ignore all our time together and that she does not regret what happened, but regrets that she made people suffer and made her suffer more. I then told her to call me if she wanted to talk and explained that's not what I meant... I wanted to end the conversation quickly and tried to do it gently, but she again took it the wrong way and got offended for me trying to blow her off. Then after a few texts I called her to see if she's still upset. She didnt answer and called me back in a minute, we had a nice chat about what changes I'm going through (that's what she wanted to know when I tried to end the call) then I told her that I never want to fight with her again, but she does it from nothing, she said the same and that she enjoyed talking like that and that she'd like to be friends. After that she said she'd call me back cause she was taking a bath.

 

She never called after that so I sent her a text that it was nice hearing her voice and to have a good night. She replied that she forgot and fell asleep. Then I thought about what she said, I couldn't be friends with her, not after everything that has been between us. We did that for over a month after we stopped seeing each other and it only fueled fights and grew us more apart. I sent her a text and explained this, I don't want half measures, I don't love someone with just half my heart, so we can't be just friends and we should stop talking to each other if she can't do more than that.

 

She lost it after that and treated me very badly. Told me to delete her number, that I can't be talked with, that I onlt close the door and throw the key, that she still talked to other boys she's been with even if she can't ever be with them, they are not animals. I do not want that, I either want to start something real with her or just go our separate ways... I was really offended by how she talked to me, no one has ever been so mean and sarcastic and told her that I didn't recognize her anymore and she has a lot of issues to fix.

 

Next day she tried to call me while I was at work, didn't answer, then she texted me "Please" and then "Forgive me". At noon she called again, I answered, she appologized for being a to be, she never wanted to be like that again, I was polite and passive with her. She said that she will respect my decision (which was her decision in the first place, to no talk to each other) and that she has always cared for me and that she still does. She was talking like I meant that we wouldnt talk ever again, I told her that's it's not forever, just that I want to be at peace and her as well. And that was it. I am now in no-contact with her... I don't know for how long, but it's her call now to make a move if she starts to miss me.

 

I don't know if I did the right thing, but I do not see anything else I can do about it. I'm just taking this time to take care of myself and respect me and not depend on anyone to be happy. I still love her like crazy, I do, but I tried however I could to convince her to give me a chance to prove my love for her, without any success. I have no doubt that she still cares for me alot and that I have been the best thing for her (as boyfriend material) but her mind is a mess, she is a weak person driven by everyone's opinion of her and tied to the past by emotions of guild and promises made in anger and despair.

 

I would really like some advice on this. I would really like to have one chance with her, I want her to have the courage to make a step and let go of the past and do not listen to what everyone has to say about this situation, I just want her to follow her heart. She told me many times that I am perfect, that I'm what any girl is looking for, that no one has ever treated her like I did (with the utmost respect, love and attention) but that I'm not the problem, it's her and her messed up mind. I thought if I stopped any forms of communication she would eventually realize her feelings and would come to me, but I'm not so sure now...

 

PS. What pros I have in her eyes:

- I am pretty fit. I work out regularly.

- I have the most amazing eyes (dark brown, just how she likes them)

- She really loves my lower lip.

- I am independent, I have a steady job.

- I have always treated her right (at least like no one before me that she's ever been)

- I was the best lover she ever had.

- Loyal, devoted, and made her happy.

 

What do women want more from a man? Emotional stability? I understand, that's what I am working and trying to fix now about myself. I had that, and lost it when we weren't seeing each other anymore.

[eldasensei]

You played with fire

[Movingforward3]

Getting with someone while they are with someone else is never good. They need you to get them out of the other relationship. Then, they see that your relationship isn't that magically, either.

You have now loved and learn. Forget about this and live your life. Start dating and have fun

[Dcgent]

It sounds like 1) you are a bad friend if you started an affair with a close friend. 2) she is a bad girlfriend, if she is having an affair outside of a committed relationship 3) you both don't have spines and can't make mature decisions or respectful decisions. I don't think any advice given will be taken to someone that lacks integrity and respect. I think you need to work on yourself and elavuate what a healthy relationship is, i.e. with friends, lovers, etc... If i knew you personally, your actions would tell me that you are untrustworthy and I would want to cease contact with someone that can't be trusted. You are both toxic. You are not loyal to friends, nor are you devoted.

[dany89]

It sounds like 1) you are a bad friend if you started an affair with a close friend. 2) she is a bad girlfriend, if she is having an affair outside of a committed relationship 3) you both don't have spines and can't make mature decisions or respectful decisions. I don't think any advice given will be taken to someone that lacks integrity and respect. I think you need to work on yourself and elavuate what a healthy relationship is, i.e. with friends, lovers, etc... If i knew you personally, your actions would tell me that you are untrustworthy and I would want to cease contact with someone that can't be trusted. You are both toxic. You are not loyal to friends, nor are you devoted.

 

I'm sorry, but you don't know the whole story... Anyway, thank you for your opinion.

[dany89]

Getting with someone while they are with someone else is never good. They need you to get them out of the other relationship. Then, they see that your relationship isn't that magically, either.

You have now loved and learn. Forget about this and live your life. Start dating and have fun

 

I know, I didn't want anything at start. I wanted to ease her out of her feelings. But love hit me and I couldn't get out, and when I did, she decided to not give up.

[Dcgent]

I'm sorry, but you don't know the whole story... Anyway, thank you for your opinion.

 

It isn't necessary to tell the whole story when you've stated some fundamental character flaws. You've contributed to an affair with a a good friends girlfriend. You lack respect and the best advice I can give is to work on your character and learn how to respect relationships in the future. Maybe this is why you've found yourself lacking in the relationship department, because you don't know how to respect a relationship.

[dany89]

It isn't necessary to tell the whole story when you've stated some fundamental character flaws. You've contributed to an affair with a a good friends girlfriend. You lack respect and the best advice I can give is to work on your character and learn how to respect relationships in the future. Maybe this is why you've found yourself lacking in the relationship department, because you don't know how to respect a relationship.

 

I'm sorry for how it happened, but I do not regret it. I'm not sorry for truly loving someone. I did try to end it, and she had the option to be clean and pretend it was a crush only on my side. She didn't take that chance. I ahve always respected her and my relationship with her. And from my point of view, that's all that matters. I used to be close friends with her ex, sure. But that was a long time ago, he and another "friend" treated me like some low life scum for no reason (they were probably jealous of something, but I have no idea what). So yea, that friendship was already hanging by a thread for years... I'm not sorry his comfortable ass couldn't be bothered to appreciate the wonderful girl that was taking care of him (yea, she picked up him).

[Dcgent]

I think any self-respecting man isn't going to be sloppy seconds or on stand-by while getting toyed around like a mouse. Again, I stand my by advice, you need to find respect, both for yourself and others. Then you will find yourself immersed in a healthy environment surrounded by those that respect you. You have a long post with a pretty simple question. What do women want more from a man. They want a man that has integrity, respectful, trustworthy and loving. This takes someone that will stand up for what is right and has a spine. Someone that doesn't play games. These characteristics show maturity, which you currently lack. This should be your goal for self improvement so that you can actually have a loving, respectful relationship in the future. Right now you are at the bottom of the barrel and there is too much muck to see your way through it. I wish you good luck in becoming a man.

[eldasensei]

Dany89 right now it doesn't matter if they treated you like low life scum. For whatever it's worth it only further proves Dcgent's point that you not only lack respect but respect for yourself. If they treated you like low life scum why did you stay in that friendship? You allways had the choice to leave that friendship for whatever it's worth it. To me this does not sound like a reason but rather an excuse. I feel like you should take more responsibility for your own actions. It's the only way to learn something from this experience.

[dany89]

Dany89 right now it doesn't matter if they treated you like low life scum. For whatever it's worth it only further proves Dcgent's point that you not only lack respect but respect for yourself. If they treated you like low life scum why did you stay in that friendship? You allways had the choice to leave that friendship for whatever it's worth it. To me this does not sound like a reason but rather an excuse. I feel like you should take more responsibility for your own actions. It's the only way to learn something from this experience.

 

Alright, I understand. I did learn something from this experience. I won't make the same mistake again. But that's not the point of this thread. Point is, I still love her very much and I want her back. I know she still has strong feelings for me too, but she is driven by other peoples opinions and guilt. While I appreciate the criticism, I know who and what I am and what I want from life. And one of those things is her. So, any advice on getting her back?

 

Thanks.