In so much pain...

[Bridger1]

The biggest mistake ...

Can you sit down and think of the biggest mistake you have ever made? Can you pin point that one exact moment , or can you look back and say to yourself " now .. I see it .. I see where I went wrong ".. And where you went wrong was a huge turning point in your life .

I can , and let me tell you I have a mountain of crap in my life that I have messed up , totally messed up.. But , one has been monumental . You see , as it has been well documented in my precious blogs on other sites .. I seem to excel at messing things up .. All be it with all the best intentions . Things tend to blow up in my face . Also , well documented my life for the past 15 years has been nothing short of hell . Even as a rugged outdoors manly man ( yes you can snicker ). I actually have been beaten down by abuse from a wife I am separated from and her family I am surrounded by . Let me tell you .. I'd much rather take a head on first fight to the never ending mental and emotional attack I have had to endure . I am told many times from people that anyone associated with me would be better off with me not around . That the world in fact would be a much better place if I was not here ... As if my death would facilitate world peace .. The anti-christ would love to have that honor ., but , as hard as it is .. I'm still alive . Has suicidal thoughts ran screaming through my head .. Yes .. More often than I care to say .. But , yet I survive . My life.. I am alone . Sure I have friends and family . Two states away , at most I see them two times a year . Why not move you say .. Well due to other professionally enacted mistakes .. I'd be financially destroyed to make that move at this point . So as of now , my life is a constant state of isolation . So I dove into work . Two jobs .. Between the two , 80 hours a week .. Sometimes more . But it kept me from the isolation . Meet the iceberg of my titanic mistake .

During this mess , I met a woman online.. Something I'm not accustom too .. But did . Enter this long distance relationship . And , as this manly man is not afraid to show feelings , was the most amazing , soul opening , heart reemergence, experience I have had in my life . This woman opened me up to feelings I never thought possible . Brought back a me that was so buried in darkness and pain , I never thought the me she brought out would ever breathe again .

The relationship grew ., to where we fell in love . The only pain in the relationship was the distance and it did /does hurt . Our relationship is texts and phone calls at this point . But the love grew . A level of pure love , respect, admiration , that I never thought possible . Now , I've been in love before .. Sure .. But my soul has never ached for someone like this . The amount of pure love and comfort she gave to my life was just amazing . Long late night conversations , all day contact . It wasn't often we didn't go more than ten minutes talking to each other . It was heaven . She is a complete angel .

During this , I was still living in hell . She knew , but really didn't know the extent . We have never really talked about it . So I still worked those hours . Now this woman deals with anxiety and pretty bad sometimes . I was her go to , her comfort. Sometimes this related to long nights of comfort , and two hours sleep for me . There were times I left work just to calm her fears and anxieties. I loved being the one she went too . During this time I was approached with a promotion at work. I took it .. This meant more money but, more stress and more hours .. Soon the position consumed me .. It ate me up .

 

At some point I started to drift .. I drifted away from her .. Oh I was still there , I was more in love with her every day , but I wasn't there like I was . I was shorter on words and longer in replies .. The Titanic .. And I sank .. She adjusted and pulled away . It took her to basically drop me for me to see it and now it's too late

Oh we are still together , but it isn't the same . The boat hasnt totally gone under .. But I'm chest deep in the black freezing water . She's distant , cold , replies are hours apart now . She's lost the love she had for me , I don't even think she's attracted to me any longer . Is she with me for pity now?, I don't know .. Is she afraid to hurt me , I don't know . Oh I've made changes mind you .. I quit one job and scaled back my hours to 50 hours at the main job . But she's gone , I'm back in that isolation ., that is my creation .

She still says I love you , only after I say it . Gone are the random I love you messages that kept me afloat . Gone are the deep messages of how much love she has for me . Gone are the pictures and videos of her day and activities . On my part I over use I love you , sending pics and videos ,, everything I used to do .. Something I didn't realize I got away from . Something I loved and love doing . Is she gone forever .. I think so .. Is she just waiting to see if I'm for real and changed , back to the person she loved .. I hope so . I'm still that person she loved .. I just hope she can see me .

Everyday she gets a little further away .. Every day I die a little more .. And that me , moves further back into that pain and darkness . We were a top priority in each other's lives .. Now I'm just an option in hers

The lesson here kiddies is this .. When you find that love .. That one true love.. That person that awakens things in you that you never thought possible .. That person that makes your heart stutter , your soul to explode open. Tell them.. Tell them every hour of every day ., don't let anything make you lose focus of that person ., no job, object , anything is worth losing the one true person that opens your soul ., because to lose them.. Is unimaginable pain .,

 

She says shes trying to get back to the way she was, but will take time.. im a guy so of coarse im saying I made immediate changes.. why cant she? She tells me she is trying hard as she can, but changes are far and few. Just last night she once again cut our phone call short because shes " busy".. i got upset and just said goodbye .. she then text me upset i didnt say " i love you". Yet, i have asked for those random I love you messages from her that i used to get.. but i get none of those. im so confused and hurt..

[melancholy123]

That's quite a story. I think the bloom fell off the rose in your romance with this lady. It may well have happened anyway, at a different time, if you hadn't grown apart. It's pretty hard to rekindle that first amazing rush with a new person.

 

What do you want now? Where does your wife and kids fit in? If you could give so much time and passion to the other woman, can you do that for your wife?

[Bridger1]

No kids of my own, the marriage is un fixable, too much has happened. There is no attraction there at all ... way too much disrespect and pain there .. Im working hard to regain what i had with the other woman.. i just needing to quit questioning and pressuring.. its just hard when in my male mind.. if its broke and you still want it.. fix it.. why is there a slow, long process involved.. as i am typing this she is messaging me. says she loves me and shes even talking about cuddling with her head on my chest.. it goes hot and cold like that.. and can be very confusing and hurtful.. at times

[minlrl]

self-awareness + emotional intelligence =

 

The answer to most of our problems if not all of them.

 

First to define self awareness: understanding yourself in the context of your surrounding, other people, situational, historical, blah blah but it's most important in my opinion to be able to gain humility, not scorn nor haughtness from seeing yourself in relation to others. Halo effect.

 

Emotional intelligence, being able to successfully read your own emotions and control them to the most benifactury manner and explain them to others in a way that convoys the correct emotional context. And in turn bring able to correctly see other people's emotions and understand it in the context of their lifes.

 

For many including myself in moments we feel at lost with who we are and have anger or even utter hatred for the world, or when things fall apart because you have been too dependent on someone or something that shaped your perception of the world, self awareness and emotional intelligence will bring you to the light and if we continually strive to retain and train our mind to see through the fog that always is trying to distract us from the truth.. we will reach a place where we can be what we were ment to be: content of being who you are.

 

True happiness.

Bliss.

Respect for your common man.

Healthy relationships.

Mental wellbeing.

Ect..

 

I hope everyone on this website is practicing self-awareness and emotional intelligence as much as possible! It would help reduce alot of the suffering I see on this website everyday. Much of it could be avoided..

 

A smart person fixes problems a wise person stops them from happening in the first place.

 

Peace, love, and happiness accross the world for all, forever!

[SooSad33]

No kids of my own, the marriage is un fixable, too much has happened. There is no attraction there at all ... way too much disrespect and pain there .. Im working hard to regain what i had with the other woman.. i just needing to quit questioning and pressuring.. its just hard when in my male mind.. if its broke and you still want it.. fix it.. why is there a slow, long process involved.. as i am typing this she is messaging me. says she loves me and shes even talking about cuddling with her head on my chest.. it goes hot and cold like that.. and can be very confusing and hurtful.. at times

 

The hot/cold is NOT good. That shows uncertainty, confusion for both sides.

 

I feel what YOU should be doing is to have no more to do with her and to totally back off now and continue to take care of yourself.

I feel that's what you really need.

 

Because, from how I see it, you were not that emotionally strong or available when you two met up.. and yes, it sounds like you were both dependent on each other as a sort of 'emotional pillow'.

That only lasts so long...

 

I am sorry you've had things so rough in your past... but in the end it's really up to ourselves to consider getting prof help or whatever ways possible to work on our well-being's. We can NOT be that dependent on other's to 'make us better'...

"During this , I was still living in hell . She knew , but really didn't know the extent . We have never really talked about it"

 

Now.. how about YOU consider eventually backing off some of those hard hours of work and actually considering some prof help to help you work some things out? That's why there are such people as therapist's, etc.

 

Like I've seen numerous times and have also learned on my own.

We cannot 'give' to others until we, ourselves are good (mentally & emotionally).

 

You're only human. You feel like the rest of us and in the end, we can only tolerate so much.

Do consider getting some help, I feel it may do you some good.. and i feel you need it.

 

good luck.

[JustWishing]

If I were you...I would take a few days off and go see her in person!!!

[Bridger1]

Ive been thinking a lot about this actually... we were deep in love when she was having severe anxiety and family problems.. she has since seen a doctor and got on some meds... thats when things really began to change. I almost feel i was there for her through her darkest times, now things are better and she doesn't have the attacks like she used too... she doesnt need me like she did. now.. its a relationship we need to work on instead of just emotional support... i feel kind of used if this is the case