I am stuck on this guy can you help

[muppeters]

I'm in a bit of a conundrum. A few months ago, I met a guy who is younger than me. It's a long story, but basically, he offered to sell the art I make on my behalf at markets, for a cut. At the time, I was in a longterm relationship. Immediately upon meeting the younger guy, I was struck by thunderbolt: I felt an unprecedented attraction for him. This made me realise that I don't have low libido, as I thought, and when I started to seriously considering cheating, it prompted me to question my relationship. After crying and being torn for weeks, I eventually realised something was missing and always had and decided to end it with my then boyfriend, regardless of whether I had any chances with the other guy.

N.B.: I didn't get out of my relationship because of the crush. The crush made me realise I was not in love with my then boyfriend.

The younger man knew I had a boyfriend, but whenever we met up, our body languages implied we were attracted to one another. On his part, there were dilated pupils, fidgeting and nerves, steady eye contact, initiating touch, body pointing in my direction, loads of questions, trying to impress me etc etc.

After my breakup, I let him know without saying why, and for a few weeks I perceived a coldness in the younger guy's behaviour. Lately, however, he's warmed up, to the point of adding kisses to his messages; and last time I met him, he was staring at my lips rather intently. In short, I think the chemistry is mutual. Moreover, we think alike, and on several occasions, we've been reaching the same identical conclusion independently. On my part, I'm afraid to admit, I am a goner. I know it's a mistake, but given how it started, I can't help it. I'm obsessed with this guy, and cannot stop thinking about him. He doesn't know (or at least, not the extent of it). And, I have asked him out to a show, which I knew he'd love. It was, however, only the day before the show and he said he was away for work (he is away a lot for work, and I have no reason to doubt he was telling the truth).

The problem is, that even though I think he may be attracted to me, he does not initiate meetings. In fact, it feels as if he is almost avoiding being alone with me. I know that he has been hurt in a past relationship. I know that he is very busy, and probably trying to build a career of sorts (he is an actor). And I know that timing is probably not right. BUT. I cannot let it go, because I have never felt like this before, and I know we would make a wonderful couple. I know how rare this is. So I am in extreme pain. I am tempted to propose we sleep together, if only just once- even if it means that I'll grow more attached, and suffer 100 times more, because I cannot imagine not to explore such a strong attraction. I am not sure how to approach this, though, without scaring him away. Do I spill the beans? Or do I retreat to see what he does?

I don't want to lose this. We have a few months left of working together, but after that, we'll part ways.

[DoF]

I'm in a bit of a conundrum. A few months ago, I met a guy who is younger than me. It's a long story, but basically, he offered to sell my art at markets, for a cut.

 

I'm gonna stop you right there.

 

NEVER EVER engage into ANY kind of relationship with a person that is trying to sell you .

 

EVER

I'm in a bit of a conundrum. A few months ago, I met a guy who is younger than me. It's a long story, but basically, he offered to sell my art at markets, for a cut. At the time, I was in a longterm relationship. Immediately upon meeting the younger guy, I was struck by thunderbolt: I felt an unprecedented attraction for him. This made me realise that I don't have low libido, as I thought, and when I started to seriously considering cheating, it prompted me to question my relationship. After crying and being torn for weeks, I eventually realised something was missing and decided to end it with my then boyfriend, regardless of whether I had any chances with the other guy.

The younger man knew I had a boyfriend, but whenever we met up, our body languages implied we were attracted to one another. On his part, there were dilated pupils, fidgeting and nerves, steady eye contact, initiating touch, body pointing in my direction, loads of questions, trying to impress me etc etc.

After my breakup, I let him know without saying why, and for a few weeks I perceived a coldness in the younger guy's behaviour. Lately, however, he's warmed up, to the point of adding kisses to his messages; and last time I met him, he was staring at my lips rather intently. In short, I think the chemistry is mutual. Moreover, we think alike, and on several occasions, we've been reaching the same identical conclusion independently. On my part, I'm afraid to admit, I am a goner. I know it's a mistake, but given how it started, I can't help it. I'm obsessed with this guy, and cannot stop thinking about him. He doesn't know (or at least, not the extent of it). And, I have asked him out to a show, which I knew he'd love. It was, however, only the day before the show and he said he was away for work (he is away a lot for work, and I have no reason to doubt he was telling the truth).

The problem is, that even though I think he may be attracted to me, he does not initiate meetings. In fact, it feels as if he is almost avoiding being alone with me. I know that he has been hurt in a past relationship. I know that he is very busy, and probably trying to build a career of sorts (he is an actor). And I know that timing is probably not right. BUT. I cannot let it go, because I have never felt like this before, and I know we would make a wonderful couple. I know how rare this is. So I am in extreme pain. I am tempted to propose we sleep together, if only just once- even if it means that I'll grow more attached, and suffer 100 times more, because I cannot imagine not to explore such a strong attraction. I am not sure how to approach this, though, without scaring him away. Do I spill the beans? Or do I retreat to see what he does?

I don't want to lose this. We have a few months left of working together, but after that, we'll part ways.

 

Sweat heart, you need TIME to hearl and recover after your last relationship. Jumping into another one, when you just broke up = setting yourself up for failure.

 

If you were with your ex for more than 6 months to a year. You will need at least 3-6 months to heal. During that time no contact with opposite sex.

 

And honestly, you are not really a great long term relationship material. What kind of a girl allows her thoughts to control her body and mind and just break up with their loved ones. If you think this is the last time it happens, you are wrong. It WILL happen again.

 

We can't control the thoughts that come to our mind (trust me, we all get temptation thoughts, attraction towards others etc) but we CAN control what we do with those thoughts.

 

And you have VERY little control (clearly).

 

Take time off and focus on fixing yourself is the only answer here. Forget about the sales guy.....he is not really interasted, he probably just wants a fling (based on his lack of actions/interest).

 

And I would highly recommend that you don't get into bed with him either. ONLY if you want a quick fling. If you want a long term relationship, you need to invest TIME to get to know the person LONG LONG LONG before you sleep with them. Intimacy is the worst thing you can do to build a healthy foundation of a relationship. It only clouds your mind and makes you miss red flags and puts your relationship into over drive.

 

I'm gonna recommend that you read "5 love languages" and study it. It's a great general guide to relationships. (if that's what you are looking for).

 

You current intentions = setting yourself up for COMPLETE failure.

 

I'm sorry

 

And you work with him too? HUGE no no. Do not bring your personal life into your work. If you do, EVERYONE will know about details of your relationship. Also your career/job is on the line. I never recommend dating people at work, why limit yourself when the sea is full of fish.

 

I think you have extremely low self control. You should work on that. Learn to manage your thoughts as well. Remember, what you DO with your thoughts is what matters. Currently you allow them to flourish and take complete control of you.

 

That is not healthy AT ALL.

[muppeters]

Thanks for replying- just to clarify, there are a couple of misunderstandings: the guy was NOT selling me anything- sorry I was not clear. And, I didn't get out of my relationship because of a crush. The crush made me realise I was not in love with my then boyfriend. You are assuming I got out of my relationship because I have no control over my thoughts or emotions, but the truth is that my emotions made me see something I had not previously seen. Also, please don't call me sweetheart.

[DoF]

Thanks for replying- just to clarify, there are a couple of misunderstandings: the guy was NOT selling me anything- sorry I was not clear. And, I didn't get out of my relationship because of a crush. The crush made me realise I was not in love with my then boyfriend. You are assuming I got out of my relationship because I have no control over my thoughts or emotions, but the truth is that my emotions made me see something I had not previously seen. Also, please don't call me sweetheart.

 

I don't believe you about what's in bold. Sorry

 

Classic 80/20 relationship rule (do little research on this).

 

You allowed your mind to focus on 20% that your boyfriend could never provide you and you let that drive you away.

 

Besides, what is it exactly that your emotions made you see? You don't even know this guy AT ALL. You are simply creating fantasies in your mind and believing they are true.

 

You have no idea who this guy is. Besides, not even worth talking about him all together. ANY smart/decent person would take time to heal after long term relationship.

[muppeters]

I appreciate how it may look to you. But what I am saying is, I realised I never felt the same for my previous boyfriend: I have never been in love with him, even though I loved him in a companionate way. Are you saying people should stay in a relationship at all costs, even if they are not married and have no kids, and even if they realise they are not in love with their partner? Surely, the partner deserves to be loved fully, by someone who can offer that. No? I took the risk even if meant being on my own, because I don't believe leading someone on is emotionally honest. It was not about the crush, even if this is now not dying as I would like.

[DoF]

I appreciate how it may look to you. But what I am saying is, I realised I never felt the same for my previous boyfriend: I have never been in love with him, even though I loved him in a companionate way. Are you saying people should stay in a relationship at all costs, even if they are not married and have no kids, and even if they realise they are not in love with their partner? Surely, the partner deserves to be loved fully, by someone who can offer that. No? I took the risk even if meant being on my own, because I don't believe leading someone on is emotionally honest. It was not about the crush, even if this is now not dying as I would like.

 

I think people should work hard at their CURRENT relationships if there are issues, rather than focus on OTHER people and their crushes or thoughts of attraction. And even if you had no love for your ex,, right thing to would've been to end it and start the healing process vs engage with opposite sex (which is the opposite, rebound type of a deal).

 

If this guy never appeared, would you be in this position? Probably not.

 

Again, you are allowing your thoughts to control you.

 

Regardless, what's done is done. Only thing left now is for you to take your time to heal (3-6 months) and get over your former relationship.

 

But I already know you won't do that and continue to chase this new guy......

 

Good luck

[muppeters]

My relationship has ended a while ago now.

If this guy had not appeared, another one would have later on, with the same results. Not a good reason to stay. While I agree relationships need work, if there is no love, there is nothing to work on.

And no, I will not pursue the other guy.

[Movingforward3]

I think you should make a pass at the guy and see what happens. Be casual and ask him out for drinks. Go from there.

[greta96]

You have read way, waay too much into his body language. You don't know him at all, there is absolutely no way you can possibly know that you'd make an awesome couple; actually, it sounds like he's not interested in you at all.

Yes, he may have wanted a roll in the hay when he thought you were in a relationship, because he knew it would have been NSA sex; once he heard you were single, alarm bells went off and he backed off, as the last thing he wants is you having expectations after sex. Sure, if you go put sex on a platter in his face, he'll probably take it. But is this a smart move? He'll use you and discard you, and if you're in such pain (why, I don't know) now, the pain and shame you'll feel once he's done with you will be 100 times worse. All this intense chemistry you're invoking is only in your head, and if he does take you up on your offer for sex, it doesn't mean in any shape or form that he feels anything back for you, it just means he's a man who is offered sex for free.

 

Time to value yourself more, if you sell yourself cheap that's how the men in your life will treat you - like something cheap. Your choice.

[pandaman3]

Agreed with what everyone said. Sounds more like GIGS to me. Think real hard girl.

[SooSad33]

"I have never felt like this before, and I know we would make a wonderful couple."

- You do NOT know this.

As most have said, you're acting out in 'fantasy' and this is called 'lust', in the beginning of everything.

 

As mentioned, i strongly suggest you take some down time on your own to work your mind & emotions.

 

But I'm sure no matter what anyone says here, you're still wanting this guy...

You're not thinking in the right frame of mind, thinking this 'attractive younger man' is so right.

[PinotForNow]

I was following pretty well with you and then it came to a halt when you said you've considered proposing sleeping with him. I guess I just didn't see that as a natural next step...why exactly is that your next step?

 

I'm not attacking your choice and hope it doesn't come off that way, I'm puzzled. Why that instead of coffee or a beer?

[muppeters]

I was following pretty well with you and then it came to a halt when you said you've considered proposing sleeping with him. I guess I just didn't see that as a natural next step...why exactly is that your next step?

 

I'm not attacking your choice and hope it doesn't come off that way, I'm puzzled. Why that instead of coffee or a beer?

 

You are right, and it's out of character for me too. The only reason why I said that is that I think it'd be murderous to waste this attraction, but as others have said, if he is not into me, I'd better move on anyway.

[DoF]

If you were a man, I would say "you are thinking with your penis". This still applies to you, just replace penis with vagina.

 

Never EVER think with your private parts, it will steer you in the wrong direction.

 

Brain is the only part of your body that should be doing any thinking.

[PinotForNow]

And see I think the only way you can waste this attraction is by proposing to sleep together.

 

Just kind of play it out. Guy meets girl. Guy giving good vibes- girl feeling it too. Girl says "I've never been so attracted to another guy. Let's sleep together even if it's just one night. I cannot waste this chance".

 

Unless both parties are at a bar significantly hammered and was said off the cuff (no pre meditation) this cannot end well. And likely still wouldn't then.

 

Either he agrees, you do it and he leaves because you set the scene it was one night. Or two, that's such an out of left field proposition he's does a quiet exit stage left.

 

I think what you've described is fine. I don't think you're reading into things or that he's not interested. I think you've got a massive crush that just needs to be reigned in a bit. It's pretty great you feel such a connection and if it's two ways, it will organically happen (yes, sex too!). Just breathe in, realize he's a guy who you happen to find outrageously sexy/appealing/etc.

 

It doesn't have to be all or nothing or you spilling the beans- it can be you being cool and enjoying the time you have with him. If you can just change the mindset a few degrees, I think you'd feel better. less "I have to do something drastic....and now". Enjoy it- he sounds like a pretty decent guy. Worst case- you don't cringe each time you remember saying the words "can we have sex because I would regret not doing so". I promise you'd regret that sentence more than you'd regret not getting it on 3 months (hell weeks) from now. Good luck either way'! I'm rooting for you!

[Sarah691607309662]

I understand you well because I experienced it too. Exactly how you describe. I also felt pain and I also had this feeling that I will never forgive myself if I do not explore it.

I tried to rein in this crush. I tried. I have done pretty much everything in the book and I have pretty strong will power. And when I do something, I believe in it. So I tried to avoid him. I tried to befriend him and dissolve attraction in friend-zoning. I tried to flirt with him and dissolve sexual tension in bantering. I tried to convince myself that he does not care. I tried to convince myself that all I am doing is boosting his big fat ego and if he pays attention to me it is for ego stroke. I got mad. I got angry. I went no contact for months. There were times when I felt better. But then I returned back to exactly where I were - insanely attracted with all my fuses blown.

 

Ask yourself what do you want. Do yo want him to love you or do you want to consummate your sexual desire for him and be done with it?

 

When you were with bf, this young man was a pursuer and it was thrilling for him. Now when you are single, you became a pursuer and he resists. This what threw the dynamics off. You need to change it back where he will be a pursuer. Start dating. Make it known to him that you are meeting other guys. In subtle way. Text him something like "what was the name of this cool bar you were talking about last night?" or "do you know the most sexy hotel in NYC?" if he asks why do you need to know, joke something back without committing yourself to anything.. that can be understood in many ways.. for example "re-discovering life pleasures!! " if he does not ask, tells you the place, just drop it saying "thanks!" If he does not reply - no sweat. He will know that you are exploring life and this might put him back into pursuer. Keep yourself upbeat, do not initiate too many texts.

 

Do you think he is afraid of losing you?