Please help me figure this out

[coasty]

I need some advice.

 

My BF and I have been seeing each other for 3.5 months. We met online, chatted a lot about the kinds of things we are looking for, and what we are not looking for in a relationship.

 

I was very up front with him about myself. I told him that I am very big on honesty. He said that he was the same way. He told me that he was a very honest, loyal, and caring person, and that he was the nice guy that most women were looking for. We talked about a lot of things online before we actually met. I honestly felt that I'd found the guy I had been looking for.

 

I am hurting so much right now and I don't even know for sure why. All I know is that some part of me suspects that he and I are not right for each other. Another part of me thinks that maybe I am too picky.

 

There are just some things that don't sit right with me. I don't think he is fooling around or anything like that. I just question whether he and I are really right for each other.

 

First of all, he has really been getting on my nerves a lot lately. And since I believe in being honest and not bottling things up, I tend to say something when things don't feel right or when he has done or said something to upset or bother me. He, on the other hand, has not been saying anything so as to avoid a confrontation. Something we said that we wouldn't do. We both said that it is better to talk about things at the time rather than let them sit and stew.

 

Let's see if I can be a bit more clear. I don't even know if I can....I start thinking about everything and I am reminded that others have problems far worse off than mine and why the hell am I complaining. But, I just can't shake this feeling inside me. I really do love him. There are some really good times. I look at him sometimes and just feel this tremendous love for him. Then there are other times where I have doubts and I know he does too. I just think it is too soon to be feeling like this.

 

For example. Tonight he told me that he doesn't want to talk to me on the phone for 4 hours (an exaggeration) during the week because he feels it is a waste of time (we live a 1.5 hour highway drive away from each other and spend the weekends together). I was pretty hurt. He used this as an example of things he chooses not to tell me in order to avoid an argument. I told him I was glad that he told me even though it hurt me. I think it says a lot about what he is willing to give to the relationship. In the beginning he talked about how he would be willing to drive 1.5 hours twice everyday just so that we could be together. Now, he doesn't even want to spend a good amount of time on the phone together.

 

I also told him in the beginning that I was a very affectionate person and he said he was the same way. It turns out that he is not as affectionate as I thought he was. He doesn't like to hold hands in public, says it embarrasses him. He said he liked cuddling, but I soon found out that I had to not touch him during the night at all cuz it wakes him up and he gets very cranky. Sometimes when I try to kiss him he jokingly refuses, but somehow I know he's not joking. I feel really rejected at times like these, but am trying not to take it personally.

 

Another thing, he feels that I don't trust him. He wants me to trust that he would never do anything to intentionally hurt me. This came up when I asked him whether he felt that "omission was a form of betrayal". I told him that I thought so. He felt that there were some situations that maybe he wouldn't tell me things because he felt I would be upset. For example, his ex phoned him on his cell during his work Christmas party. He told her that he couldn't talk at the moment. She then proceeded to text message him to say that it was no big deal and Merry Christmas. I didn't say anything for a while, but I thought if she did call again that he'd tell me about it. On New Years Eve, I asked him just out of the blue if she had ever called again. He said, yes, that she had called a couple of times and left messages but he didn't feel it was important to tell me because he didn't talk to her and had no intention to call her back. Still, I was bothered by the fact that he didn't tell me. I don't understand why he wouldn't tell me. That's not true.....I guess I do understand, but I told him that to me his not telling me is just like lying. I think he got that. I just don't know if I can trust him to always tell me things. I think he would rather not tell me things to avoid a confrontation. What he doesn't get is that it is worse if he doesn't tell me and I find out about it.

 

Anyhow, I'm not sure what to do here. He talks all the time about spending our lives together, but he must feel some doubt if I do. I like to think that if we love each other that we should be able to work through things and have a good life together. At the same time, isn't it a bit early to be having so many problems?

 

Help!

[annie24]

I say go with your intuition. If you don't feel that things are quite right, then you should break off the relationship. It will be easier to do it now and a few years down the road. I don't think that you're too picky - I think that those are legitamate concerns. I think you're right - it's too early in your relationship to be having this many problems.

 

Good luck!

[Luscious]

I think that you're over analyzing stuff just a bit. The reasons that you mentioned I Don't think are grounds for a break-up but they can be worked on.If you haven't spoken of your concerns and how he makes you feel when he does certain things like not wanting to kiss you and not holding hands then I think you need to tell him. Every thing that you have mentioned in your post let him know how its affecting you and making you doubt the relationship.

Does his ex pose as a threat to the relationship, did she do something when yall was together that made you be uneasy when she called? IF no is your answer then I agree with b/f, about him not telling you she called b/c it wasn't important. If you ask him if she calls and he says yes b/c he wants to tell you the truth then he's not keeping stuff from you and technically you're not finding stuff out on your own b/c he didn't lie about it at first then you found out from another source.

 

I'm sorry if I'm not saying stuff that you wanna hear but its just my 5 cents.

Good Luck on whateva you decide!!!

[tiger_lilies]

My opinion is that you are over-analyzing stuff. Don't worry, I do it too! It's something that most women tend to do.

 

I'm willing to bet that you getting upset and pointing your finger at him for not telling you information that he thought was unimportant, will just shut him out....you're pushing him away.

 

The ex calling him was something he considered not important. But you make it seem like it was, why? Is there some underlying reason as to why the ex shouldn't be calling? Is he still hung up on her? Was she an issue when you guys got together?

 

If you are simply just questioning if you are the right match, then I would say go with your gut instinct as someone else suggested.

 

There are many forms of love, perhaps your "love" for this man is a different form and not that of a life long partner?

 

I also think that the other issues such as him not being too cuddly and not holding hands are signs of displeasure for you. Have you been honest with him and voicing your disappointment to him about that? On the other hand when you voice too many disappointments so early in a relationship, that might be a turn off for the guy. He may be thinking that he can not please you and will feel like he's walking on eggshells.

 

I just don't know if I can trust him to always tell me things. I think he would rather not tell me things to avoid a confrontation. What he doesn't get is that it is worse if he doesn't tell me and I find out about it.

 

How does he know what you want to know? He can't read your mind. You find things out through conversation, but try not to hammer on him if he chooses not to tell you something simply because he felt it was a non-issue.

 

This is my 2 cents based on your post...not tyring to be mean, just objective.

[cooldude1234]

Hmmmm, in some aspects you are anyalizing but in others you are right.

 

The phone call comment was pretty messed up thing for him to say. I wouldn't be glad if my girlfriend told me that, in fact I would be mad. Has this guy been in many relationships?? He said he was the nice guy every woman was looking for. I would say --based on what you've said here-- that was an exaggeration....

 

However, as far as the ex's phone call thing goes, I don't think it's a big deal. I would be more concerned if he talked about her a lot.

 

It sounds like you two speak your minds no matter what the concequences? Some things are better left unsaid. There's a fine line between being truthful and just being rude/mean.

 

It sounds like the problems you're having could be fixed by talking it out, but if you have a gut feeling that he's not the right guy you're probably right.

 

Hope this helps a little

[coasty]

I agree, I do tend to overanalyze things. Sometimes I feel that I have gone from one extreme to the next. I used to keep things bottled up inside so as not to rock the boat. This didn't get me anywhere in my past relationships, so I decided that being open and honest was the only answer. Perhaps I'm being too honest. Is that a possibility?

 

I am also struggling with the fact that my intuition just might be right and I should listen to it. God knows that I've ignored my intuition many times begore in the past and it's gotten me nowhere.

 

I have told him all of the things that I have mentioned. What I haven't told him is that I am having doubts about the relationship because of these things. I've just started having these doubts. For the most part I've felt that we could work through these times if we loved each other enough. I also didn't mention to you all that I am going through a tough time with my teenage son who has moved out to live with his dad cuz he couldn't follow my rules. This has put a bit of a strain on me and as a result I may be a bit more edgy than normal.

 

When I told him that I feel rejected when he won't hold my hand or kiss me he says that sometimes he just doesn't feel like it and that it doesn't mean that he doesn't care about me. That is not what it feels like though. It really hurts me when he does this. But, I don't think he gets it. I guess he thinks I should understand his side that sometimes he just doesn't feel like it.

 

He and his ex broke up about 6 months before we got together. She cheated on him but he almost took her back and maybe he might have if she didn't move away with another guy. I like to think that he wouldn't have really. I say that he almost took her back because he had thoughts of doing it, but he didn't actually tell her so. The fact that he didn't tell me about her phonecalls makes me worry more than her actually calling. If she poses no threat then why keep it a secret.

 

I also think that the other issues such as him not being too cuddly and not holding hands are signs of displeasure for you. Have you been honest with him and voicing your disappointment to him about that? On the other hand when you voice too many disappointments so early in a relationship, that might be a turn off for the guy. He may be thinking that he can not please you and will feel like he's walking on eggshells.

 

I think you may be right about this one. How can I tell him that I like these things without sounding like he is doing something wrong? I don't want to push him away, I want to try and make things better between us.

 

It sounds like you two speak your minds no matter what the concequences? Some things are better left unsaid. There's a fine line between being truthful and just being rude/mean.

 

I have to agree with this. I think I am not sure when and when not to cross the line. I really used to say nothing until it all came out in an argument which ended the relationship, to now where I say everything. I think I need to learn when to keep my mouth shut.

 

You've all been really helpful. I value what each and everyone of you has said.

[Mermaid]

I disagree with everyone... lol. Sorry.

 

I think your boyfriend is giving you clear signs that "he's just not that into you."

 

Let's review the details:

 

-He thinks that spending a substantial amount of time talking to you, his girlfriend, on the phone is a waste of said time.

 

-He's embarrassed to hold your hand in public.

 

-He sometimes refuses to kiss you.

 

-He doesn't like to cuddle with you.

 

Does this sound like a man who is head over heels in love with you?

[coasty]

That is what it feels like, believe me. I totally know what you are saying.

 

While on the other hand he talks of spending our lives together. He also had me looking at real estate the other night on the internet.

 

He assures me that it is nothing personal. Just that he doesn't always feel amorous. He also told me that he is on Effexor (an antidepressant) and blames it for a lot of this. But, I just think that if he really loved me and was really into me that he would want to do all of these things and would not do things that would hurt me. Like, what would it hurt to give me a little peck back? Takes more energy to refuse and go through all the crap it causes.

 

It's only been 3 months and I feel that it is too early for all the lovey dovey new romance stuff to be over with already. Don't you?

[Mermaid]

I've been with my boyfriend for a long time, and we're still lovey dovey; we always hold hands out in public (hell, we even steal quick kisses); in bed, we fall asleep cuddling and my boyfriend, in his sleep, reaches for me; and when we can't be together, we spend hours on the phone and never get bored.

 

So yes, I do think it's too early.

 

Look, you aren't to blame here. You're clearly getting mixed messages from your guy. And perhaps his being on an A/D has decreased his libido (though you don't mention sexual problems, per se), but that shouldn't affect his interest in cuddling, talking to you, etc.

 

I think it's time you sit down and have a long discussion with him. Share with him exactly what you've told us and see how he reacts. Maybe you'll find that he truly does care for you, but that you and he have different expectations and needs when it comes to relationships. In other words, you may crave physical affection and lots of communication, whereas he may be more aloof and less communicative. It doesn't mean he's a bad guy, or that you're expecting too much--but it may mean you're incompatible.

 

Does that make any sense?

[coasty]

Yes, it does make sense.

 

I sit here now wondering what to say. All I can think is that I am going to be alone again. I'm not sure if I want that. I suppose I am going to try and talk to him and see if we can't reach some middle ground first.

[Mermaid]

Yes, it does make sense.

 

I sit here now wondering what to say. All I can think is that I am going to be alone again. I'm not sure if I want that. I suppose I am going to try and talk to him and see if we can't reach some middle ground first.

 

People are under the assumption that being in an unhappy relationship is still better than being alone, but that's not true at all... so don't stay solely for that reason.

 

If you wanna talk, PM me.

[coasty]

My BF just told me that his phone is being cut off tomorrow and that he won't be able to pay it for a while. He told me that he owes about $80 and that there will be somethings like a $45 reconnection fee. I offered to loan him the money so that he won't be cut off. He refused saying he is too proud to accept my money. I think that he is looking forward to not having to spend time talking with me on the phone. He has a company cell phone, but of course we won't be able to talk long on that. Oh well, we'll see how this plays out.

 

I mentioned to him today how we are different. He mentioned that my son's girlfriend is so clingy and how that would drive him nuts and how he gives my son credit for putting up with it. I told him that my son is a very cuddly and affectionate person like me and he probably likes it. I casually mentioned how that is one way that we, he and I, are different.

 

He keeps asking me today if something is wrong. I suppose I seem distant or deep in thought. I want to talk to him but I'm not ready yet. I'm not sure how I'm going to word what I want to say yet. I'm weird that way...I gotta rehearse it.