It's so hard to just say goodbye, please help

[elbandido]

Let me start from the beginning:

My ex-girlfriend (who is 22 yrs old) and I (26 yrs old) starting dating almost five years ago. A year later we were living together. At the end of this past March we had an argument and she decided to pack her things up and move back with her parents. She said nothing would change in our relationship, only that she would no longer be living with me. That didn't last long because two weeks ago today, we spoke and she said she no longer wanted to be boyfriend and girlfriend; she just wants to be friends. She comes over and we hang out, but everytime she leaves I start crying- I miss her dearly. On several occasions throughout our relationship, more aggressively toward the end, she would ask when I was going to marry her. I always responded by saying "not now" or "not soon, but sometime". Last night, after going out to a movie with her, I popped the question. She said no and would not accept the ring, even as a token of my friendship. I told her I did not want to hear from her anymore. I asked her never to call me again and never to come over. I told her, as I have before, that everytime I see her it's like opening up a scab-the pain comes back all over again (matter of fact, this past Tuesday night I asked her not to call me again, but later the next evening she did).

I told her I cannot handle being your friend right now and cannot understand how you can. I said I don't want to hear from you and don't want you to call me. She responded by getting mad and then saying she doesn't want me out of her life. She said she knows we can be great friends and asked why I can't just accept her as a friend. She said she loves me, but is not in love with me. Also, she has moved most of her stuff, but still has some clothes, shoes and some miscellaneous things at my place.

I don't know what to make of this. I feel like she is playing with my emotions, maybe not intentional, but maybe could be. Maybe she is confused (as she has said a couple times in the past). I can't understand why she would get mad when I ask her to leave me alone. When she comes over she asks me to massage her. Before hanging up with me on the phone she usually tells me she loves me. She holds my hand and doesn't mind at times when I kiss her on her face, but won't kiss me on the lips. Sometimes we'll cuddle. She wants me to attend family affairs with her. Sometimes she tells me she will come over, only to call me later and tell me she won't. I really don't know what to make of this, but I know that it hurts me for her to do this and it hurts when she lavishes me with attention, but then doesn't want to be with me.

You have to understand, I am the emotional one and whenever I talk to her and I start getting emotional, she turns cold and gets angry. It always seems like the breakup doesn't matter to her, but she says she deals with it in her own way.

My friend has told me not call her or answer her calls. He said do it for a while and if she truly loves you and misses you, she will come looking for you. I can see his reasoning, but it is so hard to just say goodbye.

I am confused, alone and I don't know what to do, please help.

 

P.S. She has moved out a couple times before. The last time (about a year and a half ago) she came back after about a month, but I don't think she was ever so sure about it as she is now.

[bzborow1]

Hi there,

 

Wow. You're situation is a really tough one, and I know because i'm going through almost the exact same thing. It seems to me, although I don't know anything about her, that she is really upset at you for not marrying her. Did her moods start changing a bit after she asked you about marriage and you told her to wait? Some women can't handle the rejection, even though it's not REALLY a rejection...My ex couldn't.

 

Anyways. You can't begin to try and figure out what's going on in her head, it'll only bring more questions and give you less answers. Men try to seek some logic to our woman's decisions, and sometimes there just isn't any. One thing though, it's very clear that she doesn't know what she wants, and this is in the fact she lets you massage her, hold hands, etc...but i suggest you do NOT do any of those things. I think she needs to know that friends means friends, not what she deems as friends. I say this because she's dictating the terms of your friendship, one day kiss of the cheek, next day holding hands, and you must have figured by now this isn't working for you.

 

Also remember that women will not show weakness in front of you. She may look excessively cold on the exterior, but at home she may be feeling differently. My ex was like that, in person she'd act mean when issues of our relationship came up, but then would get upset in private.

 

The hardest thing is to say good bye, but you know, and all your friends know it's the right thing for YOU. You need to think of yourself first now. It seems also that she wants to have her cake and eat it too. What I mean is she wants you close, within striking distance should her mood change, and you need to show her (not in a mean way) that this isn't acceptable for you. Hence the need to get completely away from her, absense makes the heart grow fonder. Just tell her that friends just isn't good enough, not now. And say goodbye. If she wants you back, believe me, this obstacle will not stop her. And if she doesn't want you back, at least now you can start the process of recovery and start looking for someone else with a clear head.

 

"If you set it free, and it comes back, it was meant to be. If you set it free, and it does not, it never was."

 

-I think that's Robert Frost.

[gbear03]

believe me man, I know how you feel, maybe not to the level of confusion and weird signals as you, but I've been going through the same situation too. Like you, I kind of had to turn down, or at least not outrightly accept, long-range future plans with the girl ( in your case it was marriage, in my case it was that i wanted to leave, go someplace new on my own when i graduated college)

I feel like she did a lot of the same things as your girl did, in terms of being really confused, not knowing what she wants, and trying to deal with handling rejection. We both kind of rejected our girls for the future, and they have areal hard time with that i think. What i wanted above all was communication, a straight answer and talk about how the girl was feeling, but that just didn't work. I think the last poster is really right about the hiding emotions thing too. Believe me, after my girl semi-broke it off with me ( ending the relationship but still wanting friendship and closeness) she became bisexual suddenly, starting hanging with a new crowd of people, got tattoos, etc, i think these were all personal ways of trying to handle this type of "rejection" from a guy.

I think its right that its going to mess you up terribly if you try figure out what's going on in this girl's head, i've spent countless hours trying to do the same and it jsut isn't worth it. Best thing to do it think, is to realize that she is hurting and is trying to deal with it in the best way she knows how. You also have to consider whether you really want this girl in your future or not. Consider whether you ever would really want to marry this girl. If the answer is no, be brave about it, spare your feelings and hers, and just end it. I've said goodbye to my girlfriend for good even though she lives very close to me, and am looking forward to moving away, and even though its the hardest and loneliest thing to have to do, you just have to break through it and do it, like you're quitting smoking or getting over a drug addiction.

The fear is always that if you leave the girl alone and say goodbye, they'll figure out a way to live without you, but that should be a good thing. Let her go man, if you don't feel it 100%, there is a future out there, and if it was really meant to be, like the corny line says, you'll both find a way back to each other. You just have to make the move and go, don't let her play with your emotions, she's just trying to deal with herself.

p.s to the last poster: i totally agree with the "having your cake and eating it too" comment, that's what my ex tried to do with me too, its good to be aware of.

[Radix]

I have a question for you. Does it feel like maybe shes trying to break up with you a little bit at a time? Like maybe shes slowly drawing herself further and further away from you? If thats the case then you should definitely listen to your friends, because as things seem to be now all you are doing is constantly trying to get things back to the way that they were(and further). Not a bad thing if you think that shes just going through one of her phases, but a very bad thing if shes trying to slowly get away from you. If thats the case then one day shes going to be fine with the concept and she just wont be there any more leaving you high, dry, hurt, and broken.

 

Radix

[elbandido]

Thanks to all who have responded. Actually Radix, it's funny you mention breaking up a little at a time. When she first moved out she said nothing has changed other than her moving. I told her at that time that I know how this is going to be. That it is just another way of breaking up, a little at a time. I said we will see each other less and less and eventually we won't.

Yesterday she came over. We both took the day off of work and spent the day sleeping in my bed, but nothing happened. She stayed on her side and I on mine. We then talked and I told her not to call me anymore. That I mean it. She got mad again, but said that if that's what I want, then she will respect it. She said I can call her anytime if I need to talk. It's funny how I try to hold on to any ray of hope that she may throw at me. Like when we were talking she said, "who knows what the future may bring, maybe in a year we will back back together".

Dang, I am so pathetic! I can't help it though. I constantly try and think of ways or things I can say to try and win her back even though I know I can't change her mind. I feel like I am drowning, reaching for her hand, but it's not there. Suffocating and gasping for air, but it's not getting to me.

There worst thing is that I can think of many things that I can say to her about how I feel and why we should be together, but when I confront her, I can't seem to remember them. I am left speechless.

 

Sometimes I think it's better not to have loved at all, than to have loved and lost

[gbear03]

you're not alone man, take strength in it, its helped me to hear about your situation too. Just don't let her do it to you, don't beat yourself up. I know i know, i've done it a lot too and its easy. But the best thing to do is to stop te contact, keep it stopped, change your phone number, get a new job, do whatever you need to do to say that this part of your life is over. She's not worth it.

[yalkshire]

hey,

I was surfing around the net and came upon this site!

appearantely it's not a stand-alone case, it happened to me too. I'm only 18yearz old but three days before we were going to celebrate our second together anniversary she told me almost exactly the same. That hurts a lot! She loves me but isn't in love anymore. According to what I could c on her face she only wanted to be free more, and now that she is, she likes it too much to come back to me again. She wants 2 b friends = bullshit. That's never gonna happen. 99% of the 'friendships' go right to hell because there's one of the two that still loves the other too damn much. I wouldn't make too much worries about her, go out, you're 26 in gods name!! forget about her, and build up a life which is worthy to live in!! meet some new people and forget about all yer worries. I tried it, and it worked good. I even have met someone new now. she's great! I never would have met her otherwise. just drive and carefully don't drink like I did . It's a painfull happening when you go separate but leaving it behind might b the best thing. What you are doing now is just dancing to what she sais. It might not b her intention but it's happening. What I do question myself if some guys did the same? I only hear it of women in this topic.. Feelings don't change suddenly except if they're simply made by society and are not strong enough to hold standing. and I think that's what happened 2 me so those years are a waste of time for me. It might sound cruel but she's not worth it so it's her loss, she's too stupid to c that. crying is not a solution. You MUST have grieve, you may cry but let it be a process to get on with your life or to build up a new & better one but don't let it be a life-style.

greetz & many strength!

Yalkshire