gbear03

I appreciate your posting, I agree with a lot of the things you said actually. Its hard though, there are always very intricate things that are hard to properly describe in these postings, but i think the thing that you said that was right, was the thing about not being ready to love... I probably would not have put it the same way, put a long term relationship was maybe not something i was ready for. It was never really meant to be that but that's obviously how it turned out you know? I was definitly more absorbed in my own situation,my future, and what i was going to do, and at some point i just figured like i was on the way out of here, and i wasn't going to deceive her and act like i was ready to take her with me. My mistake was that i didn't have the strength to follow through on the breakups and just end it, ever try it? It's pretty hard when you love the person. You have to understand, I moved to america as a kid and have always had a feeling of still living in a country that i never thought of as my own. I had a lot of stuff that i had to deal with regarding that, in my relationship, and i'm really sorry to say that it did affect my behavior, and how i responded to my ex's devotion to me. I didn't feel like i could give that back in the same way, be as sure of where i belonged geographically to devote myself to someone emotionally. Though she won't read this, i would really like to say "I'm sorry" to her. So I'm sorry. But believe me i've learned a lot in this time, about myself, my actions,etc, and really kind of value the strong amount of introspection i've been able to do. I don't have any plans for a serious relationship any time soon, but i have to say that if you're with the right person, a person who brings out the best in you, that allows you to grow in the relationship. My problem in this situation was that we were young, neither one of us knew where our direction was really going, and unfortunately this is what happens... live and learn, we're all trying to figure things out when we're young...

I don't know if i entirely agree with everything you say, though some of the points are valid. For one thing, the grad school thing was something i'd had doubts about before the relationship even started going sour. I'd put a lot of pressure on myself to move forward in that way and especially to move to Europe, but frankly for me, the deciding factor for me was the combination of the large amount of money i would have to loan for it combined with the fact that i simply didn't think i had the perspective i needed to know for sure whether i should take that kind of step. I felt like i had worked incredibly hard in college and neglected my personal life, pursuing non-school interests and making more friends. Being comfortable in a relationship was part of that problem, as it kind of kept me in a bubble that i didn't have to go out of. As for the needing to be needed, i'd agree that this is something that developed over time, especially as this is what she gave me to work with. But i really didn't start the relationship in that way, it was really something that emerged without me noticing it. I adapted to it because it was comfortable and frankly, flattering. But you're right that she totally conditioned me to it by the end and i really got to the point where i didn't think it would change. It sucks, because it means that at some point i lost respect for her and for myself a bit, but didn't stop the relationship. I chalk that up to inexperience. Frankly though, at this point i don't want to feel needed, If anything i would in the future want a girl who knows who she is and what she wants, and doesn't rely on me for everything, that kind of situation sucks. I did really get used to being needed though, and that's a tough thing to break away from and come to terms with.

I've posted here once before but I guess I have more to say, or just want to see if anyone feels like me. Basically we got together in high school, broke up for a while, then got back together again soon after i started college ( i didn't move far from home). We were very passionate and close for a while, but around the end of my first year in college i started getting a little tired of her, she just seemed more boring to me and didn't seem to have anything interesting for me anymore, and besides this she was getting really attached and super-into me, which was akward when i had these doubts about her. I went away on a trip in the summer and came back pretty convinced i needed to break up with her ( and had a lot of confidence from going on a trip with cool people,etc). I finally tried breaking up with her that fall, telling her i wanted to, but she came up to college that same night, begged me not to, and basically assured me that she wouldn't put any pressure on me ( basically, she'd do anything to keep me). Being the really nice guy that i am, i was really touched by how she felt, and i felt sorry for her as she was stuck at home doing nothing ( she was between high school and starting college in the spring). So, i stuck with her, got used to the situation, and found that i could really love her on a deeper level than just the surface passion,etc. I enjoyed being there for her and caring about her, and BEING NEEDED so much above all. Nevertheless that spring i realized i'd be graduating early and had plans to go to grad school in England the next year ( i'm originally from Europe and have always felt like i want to go back and explore that after college). So i told her, with a heavy heart and above all to spare her feelings, that we should probably think of breaking up some time in the future before i leave, so that it wouldn't be as hard as if i had just left. I don't know if this was foolish of me or not, but i just realized that this girl was not going to be able to be a part of this future, she was younger than me, she didn't really understand why i needed to go to a different place so badly,etc, and i guess i just didn't feel like she was the perfect match for me ( god, reading that now i feel like i took her so much for granted). Anyway, this past fall we started getting kind of problematic in the relationship, we lived close to each other so we hung out a lot and maybe that led to problems of distance. She started accusing me of being clingy and not giving her time on her own to do her classwork at home. Maybe i was maybe i wasn't i don't know, truth is i was getting kind of scared and doubtful about moving away and going to grad school, whether i wanted it or not, whether i could afford it,etc. So for the first time in the relationship, i stopped being the confident man of support helping her, and needed help and support myself. So, her perception of this was clingyness, she got more annoyed at me, and i got more annoyed at her. But we stil cared about each other and honestly, at that point i couldn't imagine that it would end until i wanted it to, b/c she had been so needy for me and devoted,etc, that it didn't seem possible. BUT, it seems i was wrong because in january she did end it, basically wanting to end the relationship, then giving up on a "friends with benefits" situation which didn't last very long anyway. At the same time she revealed she was bisexual ( or thought she was at least, she hadn't had any experiences), and still very much wanted to remain my best friend. I took all this in stride, after all, i had been the one who wanted it to end eventually. But i wasn't ready for the change that occurred in her, and how quick it was. She seemed to get over the relationship in the matter of a couple of weeks, whereas it sunk in more and more for me during the same time. Things jsut didn't work the same anymore, she talked to me differently, talked about finding girls attractive ( things i don't need to hear), and basically put on a new persona i didn't know. After a while this just got to to the point where i said i couldn't be friends with her. I was dealing with this cold turkey, mourning the relationship but not making any drastic moves to make up for it, and her system was just really hurtful to me. So i cut off contact with her, ran into her a month later, and basically saw that she had continued along her path and gone from having basically no friends while with me, to having a bunch of gay friends who supported her, took her dancing, and took her to Paris, among other things ( as well as getting a tattoo...) Meanwhile, i'm just the same person i ever was, only without a girlfriend and trying to deal with that. Seeing her the last time was what finally drastically messed me up. I'd been sad before this bt had dealt ok with it, but now i suddenly saw that this person who had relied so much on me, who i had trusted so much, was suddenly able to change herself at the drop of a hat, and make me feel bad for feeling bad about the end of the relationship. So, has anyone else gone through this, has your ex's dramatic change made you tear yourself apart between going out and drastically changing a life you were happy with before, or just taking the pain steadily and letting time heal the wounds? Has anyone else had a similar situation? Can i draw any type of positivity or confidence from this relationship, or does it really only prove that she loved being supported and validated by me, and once i was the one that needed help she started drifting away from me?any other thoughts would be really appreciated too. p.s: the kicker is that i got in to the grad schools in England, but had to say no because i couldn't handle the idea of the work, the cost, and not being sure of whether i should do it or not. So now, i lost the girl,lost the future i'd planned, and now only want to get out of the city where i live and make a fresh start somewhere. There went all my sources of confidence though...

you're not alone man, take strength in it, its helped me to hear about your situation too. Just don't let her do it to you, don't beat yourself up. I know i know, i've done it a lot too and its easy. But the best thing to do is to stop te contact, keep it stopped, change your phone number, get a new job, do whatever you need to do to say that this part of your life is over. She's not worth it.

believe me man, I know how you feel, maybe not to the level of confusion and weird signals as you, but I've been going through the same situation too. Like you, I kind of had to turn down, or at least not outrightly accept, long-range future plans with the girl ( in your case it was marriage, in my case it was that i wanted to leave, go someplace new on my own when i graduated college) I feel like she did a lot of the same things as your girl did, in terms of being really confused, not knowing what she wants, and trying to deal with handling rejection. We both kind of rejected our girls for the future, and they have areal hard time with that i think. What i wanted above all was communication, a straight answer and talk about how the girl was feeling, but that just didn't work. I think the last poster is really right about the hiding emotions thing too. Believe me, after my girl semi-broke it off with me ( ending the relationship but still wanting friendship and closeness) she became bisexual suddenly, starting hanging with a new crowd of people, got tattoos, etc, i think these were all personal ways of trying to handle this type of "rejection" from a guy. I think its right that its going to mess you up terribly if you try figure out what's going on in this girl's head, i've spent countless hours trying to do the same and it jsut isn't worth it. Best thing to do it think, is to realize that she is hurting and is trying to deal with it in the best way she knows how. You also have to consider whether you really want this girl in your future or not. Consider whether you ever would really want to marry this girl. If the answer is no, be brave about it, spare your feelings and hers, and just end it. I've said goodbye to my girlfriend for good even though she lives very close to me, and am looking forward to moving away, and even though its the hardest and loneliest thing to have to do, you just have to break through it and do it, like you're quitting smoking or getting over a drug addiction. The fear is always that if you leave the girl alone and say goodbye, they'll figure out a way to live without you, but that should be a good thing. Let her go man, if you don't feel it 100%, there is a future out there, and if it was really meant to be, like the corny line says, you'll both find a way back to each other. You just have to make the move and go, don't let her play with your emotions, she's just trying to deal with herself. p.s to the last poster: i totally agree with the "having your cake and eating it too" comment, that's what my ex tried to do with me too, its good to be aware of.

Its bound to be something pretty emotional and impactful, whatever you choose to do. Its good that you're over him, but I would think its hard to know how you will feel when you actually see him, or even talk to him. I would remember your own signature line, about people who hurt you hurting you again, if he did it once he might be careless with your heart again if you give him the opportunity. Personally, I would do like you say and remain completely aloof and not give him any attention. If he's friends with your brother anyway, he knows where to find you and how to get to you if he feels the same way you do deep down. Its all up to you of course, I don't know the details, but you don't want to fall back into the past hurt this guy has caused you, I say don't talk to him, and maybe even avoid the champagne

Thanks a lot, i agree with everything you said, very smart. I know that the best thing is to have no contact at all, its just difficult because she lives right down the street from me ( at college), so I'm always afraid of running into her (believe me, i don't even want to see her). I guess for me I just don't totally understand her motives for wanting to be friends with me still. Seems like she wants to have her cake and eat it too, break away from me but still receive all the support i gave her, but maybe there are other reasons, I don't know. Its just weird because I realize now she was pretty dependant on me in the relationship, more than i'd thought, and a guy gets really used to that. I think at some point i started losing respect for her because of that, at the same time she was becoming more unhappy too. But its hard, i didn't expect such a self-esteem hit after the relationship, its like you get it in your mind that she didn't love you for you, but for the support and love you provided... Any thoughts?

Okay, this may sound similar to what a lot of you guys have gone through, its very weird to me but maybe you can relate. I got out of a 3 year relationship with my GF a few months ago, i'm 21 she's 19. We had our ups and downs over this time but I learned to trust and believe in her 100%, and open myself up completely to her. We were close, both thoughtful people who shared our innermost thoughts and secrets, but i'm a couple of years older than her and thereforeeeeee was kind of confronted wih the future before her. Not to get too detailed, I felt i needed to get away on my own after graduating college and see where i belonged, and not be involved in a relationship while doing this. I told her this last spring, and it was something she seemed to have handled ok. The problem was i was really conflicted about all this, I truly did love this girl and i had thoughts about spending my future with her. It was very hard for me to make the choice that i did, but we wound up staying together knowing that it would end some time in the future ( i guess). For me though, my doubts only grew, call me a romantic, or just practical, I believed in the love we had as such a deep and wonderful thing, that staying together, or at least always knowing that we could get back together even if i left her for a while, felt really natural. But during the course of a few months, leading up to january of this year, we just grew frustrated at each other, she was annoyed at me calling me clingy, while i focused on annoying aspects of her i'd not really cared about before. Finally in January we ended it, but she was the one who brought it up. It was the aftermath that messed me up good, mabye you guys can relate. She didn't act like the same person anymore, overnight! And here's the big thing, she suddenly came out as a bisexual, not exactly a little thing i think. She'd never had an experience with a girl, she just said she'd realized over the past months. After a while all this stuff just built up, I was really confused by the fact that she could turn around after a breakup and suddenly be fine, and be my "buddy" all of a sudden, plus this whole sexuality thing. I took a break, said i didn't want to see her at all, and we didn't have any contact for about a month and a half. Of course i was too weak to resist talking to her again, so i ran into her again about a month ago, and she was very excited to tell me about what she'd been doing, of course still wanting to be friends. She had a tattoo now ( a lame one), had found a bunch of supportive gay male friends who took her out to clubs, and took her on a trip to paris to go to yet more clubs. This just wasn't the kind of person she'd been together with me, we were very laid back, close, comfortable,etc. She acted, and seemed very happy, and completely over our multi-year relationship. This messed me up, we never did that kind of stuff during our relationship and she basically made me feel like I'd held her back, been too boring for her, and that we were only together because we we/her were dependant on me/each other. She also encouraged me to get a girlfriend, which probably hurt me most of all. Who wants to hear the person they loved so much encouraging them to get someone different? For me, the fact that she seemed so emotionally over the relationship, while i was sincerely going around hurting and thinking about the love I lost, was really heartbreaking. How can a girl change so much? Is she really just reacting to the breakup, trying to change the person she is so she won't have to deal with the pain? Is this a sort of phase which dies out in a few months? I was very open with her about how I was hurting from the breakup, but she kept completely quiet about that, not willing to acknowledge the meaning of our relationship other than " i don't have an regrets", but mainly focusing on the problems she had come up with since the breakup. since seeing her the last time, i've resolved to have no contact, no friendship even though we were best friends before too. It just hurts too much. I feel like she'll have to confront the pain some time too, but i still feel the urge to go back and become friends sometimes. Knowing there's someone close by who loves you and wants to be friends and all that.. anyway I know this is isn't as bad as what some of you have gone through maybe, but i'd like to hear what people think of this, thanks.