Should I tell the boyfriend?

[IAmFCA]

Yes, and plenty of people avoid going to the doctor because they don't want to know.

[sara-pezzini]

But doctors tell it to save lives and help patients, she would only tell it out of revenge with no regard for the guy's feelings, that's the difference!

[Countrywide88]

Thank you! Your exactly right.

[j.man]

While consenting to a blood test and having the results disclosed to you is completely different than the OP taking it upon herself (as a stranger no less) to conduct a completely unsolicited intervention into a relationship, I'll bite.

 

I can imagine physicians being like me because it's part of their practice. If a doctor somehow discovers through medical examination that a spouse is cheating, s/he cannot divulge that information to the spouse.

 

Similarly, in the case of discovering a patient has an STD, a physician cannot take it upon themselves to contact the spouse or partner about it.

 

Doctors are trained experts when it comes to respecting the sovereignty of others' relationships.

 

It's not compassion to potentially emotionally wreck somebody else because you refuse to believe others may not hold themselves to the same standard of knowledge you do.

[redswim30]

Don't tell. You do not know what is going on in their relationship. Many people do not consider kissing cheating. Maybe they don't. How do you know?

 

Sometimes people can also give pecks to close friends, etc. You don't know the full story. You may potentially destroy a relationship over something that could really be nothing.

 

Or maybe they kissed once but realized it was a mistake and never do it again. People also make mistakes, so you don't know that this was even full blown cheating.

 

But even if it was, it's not your job or place to tell anyone. Your reasons are purely about revenge and not about the best interest of everyone involved.

 

Let it go. My question to you is, why is your first response to tell HER partner instead of just breaking up with the guy? You know the answer.

[Countrywide88]

She could be saving him a lot of heartache in the long run. So what if she does it to make herself feel better.thats really not the point. She deserves to make herself feel better. He also needs to know. If he's being faithful he is caring for his relationship with her. How awful to find out when you don't know why your relationship is falling right through your fingers. And your doing everything you think is the issue to fix it. When all along your being cheated on and fixing all the wrong problems. I don't know! I feel knowing that information and hiding it is sneaky. That's not entirely true. I get all my husbands medical information. A few times I've known things about his health before him. And I've talked with many many many PHD's. Cheaters are terrible people who do tons of awful things all at once. Lying, two faced, betrayed trust, a passionate connection between two people broke, imbarrasment, kills others self confidence, confusion, depression, I could on and on. Is itbetter to find out when it's just kissing or is it better to find out when they've been having ongoing sex. Cheating is disgusting.

[Seraphim]

So are you stating your husband is a horrible person? If so why are you there?

[redswim30]

That's not entirely true. I get all my husbands medical information. A few times I've known things about his health before him. And I've talked with many many many PHD's. Cheaters are terrible people who do tons of awful things all at once. Lying, two faced, betrayed trust, a passionate connection between two people broke, imbarrasment, kills others self confidence, confusion, depression, I could on and on. Is itbetter to find out when it's just kissing or is it better to find out when they've been having ongoing sex. Cheating is disgusting.

 

First, you should know that you and your doctor are breaking the law if they are giving your husband's medical info to you first. Unless he's a paralyzed invalid and signed over power of attorney to you.

 

The OP just said "dating the guy". She didn't even say if they were in a relationship or not. She also did not say if the other girl and her bf were exclusive or not. Maybe they aren't.

In which case, you don't even know that any "cheating" is occurring if no one involved is even IN a committed relationship.

 

Cw88, you obviously feel very strongly about cheating. But not every couple shares the same opinion. Some couple have no problem with dating multiple people. You don't know their situation.

You don't know that the OP's bf (if he even is that) or the other woman's BF (is he is even that) have ever promised the other exclusivity.

 

The OP clearly is just upset that they guy she is dating (and doesn't sounds exclusive with) is interested in another girl. Telling the guy she is dating about it would only be petty revenge.

 

We aren't talking about any marriages here. Or even necessarily serious relationships. It's easy to throw around the label "cheating" around, but most people tend to stay out of a knee-jerk rash judgment such as that, when they don't know all the facts, the unique people or the relationship situations. I don't think it's ever wise to jump to extreme conclusions or to act as though all situations are like ones we personally have experienced, or that circumstances don't change things. That a big part of why most people here are saying " Don't tell". We don't have all the facts where this "kiss" is concerned and neither does the OP.

If she doesn't trust this guy, yeah, by all means don't see him again. But to take petty revenge for revenge sake is irresponsible and immature.

[TMifune]

While consenting to a blood test and having the results disclosed to you is completely different than the OP taking it upon herself (as a stranger no less) to conduct a completely unsolicited intervention into a relationship, I'll bite.

 

I can imagine physicians being like me because it's part of their practice. If a doctor somehow discovers through medical examination that a spouse is cheating, s/he cannot divulge that information to the spouse.

 

Similarly, in the case of discovering a patient has an STD, a physician cannot take it upon themselves to contact the spouse or partner about it.

 

Doctors are trained experts when it comes to respecting the sovereignty of others' relationships.

 

The point of the analogy was that doctors deliver bad news to patients because the patients need to hear that news to be able to make different choices that will be better for them in the long run. Sure, they have a professional obligation, but that professional obligation is born from the the moral obligations enshrined into a system of medical ethics. They do it because not doing it would be the wrong thing to do. Those patients have the same choices they had before they knew. They can carry on as before, and suffer the consequences or they can make changes and try to have a different out come.

 

You present it like telling someone is "telling them how to live their life" and that's patently absurd. It's sharing a piece of information with them that directly effects them. They can choose to do anything they want with that information.

 

It's not compassion to potentially emotionally wreck somebody else because you refuse to believe others may not hold themselves to the same standard of knowledge you do.

 

I'm not sure I even understand this. I'm not saying someone should compete with me on jeopardy or help me prepare for the LSATs. "Standard of knowledge?" It sure sounds like you're saying if I tell someone their S.O. is cheating, that I'm the one ruining their relationship. Bullcrap. The person cheating is the one ruining their relationship. They still bear responsibility for that. All the person telling you is doing is sharing a fact. "Your girlfriend was kissing my boyfriend". Fact. The recipient and the cheater decide everything that happens next.

 

I'm not saying people should do it out of anger or revenge, but if I was an unaffected third party I'd tell in a heartbeat.

[redswim30]

It's sharing a piece of information with them that directly effects them. They can choose to do anything they want with that information.

 

I'm not saying people should do it out of anger or revenge, but if I was an unaffected third party I'd tell in a heartbeat.

 

There are a few problems though. Not everyone defines cheating the same way, and most people don't take kindly to others butting their nose into their personal relationship, whether it's a fact or not.

 

Many people choose to turn a blind eye. If someone is a serial cheater, chances are that the other person already knows but is choosing to stay with them. Hearing what they already know repeated to them from a third source is not always appreciated. On the contrary, it can make them feel embarrassed and judged even more.

 

Others may suspect, but still won't take kindly to hearing it.

 

I think VERY few people will thank you for telling them they are being cheated on. Often, that third party becomes the target of anger, gets placed squarely in the middle of fights, and can even sometimes

become the target of revenge. I once worked with a guy who shot and killed someone who told his wife he was cheating.

 

This is why most people choose to mind their own business. Not everyone wants to know. Some people do know but like being blissfully ignorant, some people know but choose to stay for various reasons (kids,money, etc) and some people may want to know, but why would you want to involve yourself in a potentially messy situation that no real good comes out of?

 

If the answer is "because it's the right thing to do". Remember the phrase, " No Good dead goes unpunished"

 

I think it rare that anyone will thank you for bringing them this news. I'd say unless the person is your BEST friend and you know 100% for certain they'd want to know, you are better off staying out of it.

 

Just like telling someone "Your husband is a jerk" They will either

 

1. Already know and not care (AKA stay anyway)

2. Not believe you

3. Or come to realize this through the husband's jerky actions

 

Chances that you'd stay "unaffected" as a third party to either revenge, divorce, or a massive blowup is slim.

[j.man]

Unfortuantely, everything you've written will only vindicate some folks. Martyrs for the cause of ending infidelity.

 

It really takes someone special to transpose their morals and ideals onto others to the extent to which they don't care who gets hurt. "It's for their own good!"

[Seraphim]

My mother said given a choice if she could've gone back and not told her brother that's what she would do. And this is somebody that she loved very much and knew her whole life and her own husband and sister-in-law who was one of her best friends. And she said she made a mistake in getting involved in it. People have to accept things about their relationships in their own time not when it's forced into their face. We can't decide for other people when they're going to accept something.

[Countrywide88]

Hell yes that made him a terrible person when he did that. I hated him for a long time. I had to learn to forgive and deal with a emotional roller coaster. Cheating is wrong. No wiggle room it's wrong. If it isn't a relationship that's serious then I'm sure no one will be shot when they find out their gf is kissing some other guy. At least he died standing up for something he believed in. If they are in a serious relationship or not I'd want to know and I'm somebody. I don't know anyone who has been ok with their partner cheating. I will stand for what I believe in. If someone is doing wrong and harming another person. Whether it be emotionally verbally or physically I will do something, anything I can. I won't be that part of Society that turns a blind eye and allows people to be monsters because the world we live in is a bunch of living in Fantasy land. Who won't stop them so they will continue. Or continue to cheat because it's ok to condone that or act as if it's not happening.

 

If the other person wants a divorce because they found out they were cheated on. More power to them.

[Seraphim]

I'm sure the fact that the guy died for what he believed in was a big comfort to his family and friends. I'm sure that's the first thing that comes to their mind on the day that he died.

[Countrywide88]

Your poor mother. This would be bad either way.

[Seraphim]

She said it is one of her regrets in life. It took her brother away from her for 3 years.

[Countrywide88]

People are killed every day from crazy people for no reason. My brother was murdered I know all about sociopaths and what I went through. Not everyone will agree what they think is best. Had someone told me sooner it would of been for the better. Your mom not so much. I don't get why it's so hard to be a good person and do the right thing.

[Seraphim]

Because not everybody agrees on what is a "good" person.

[TMifune]

People are killed every day from crazy people for no reason. My brother was murdered I know all about sociopaths and what I went through. Not everyone will agree what they think is best. Had someone told me sooner it would of been for the better. Your mom not so much. I don't get why it's so hard to be a good person and do the right thing.

 

Actually we have no way of knowing. Maybe her mom telling her brother set off a chain of events that culminated in what actually happened. What if she hadn't told him and that culminated in a chain of events that lead to his suicide? I'm not sure you can evaluate the "rightness" of a decision by an outcome that you can't possibly know when you make the choice.

[Countrywide88]

I should of been more clear. I meant doing the right thing and no cheating. My marriage will never be the same because of it. I'm now apart of the I've been cheated on club.

[TMifune]

Unfortuantely, everything you've written will only vindicate some folks. Martyrs for the cause of ending infidelity.

 

It really takes someone special to transpose their morals and ideals onto others to the extent to which they don't care who gets hurt. "It's for their own good!"

 

Who the heck is transposing morals? If I tell someone "Hey, your boyfriend was kissing a girl that wasn't you". I haven't shoved a single moral on them. I've given them a piece of information. Maybe they'll hate me for it maybe they won't. I haven't told them they have to end their relationship, I haven't told them they have to keep their relationship. I've given them a slightly more complete picture on which to make an informed decision. I haven't even made a judgement that they "should" live a certain way. If they have an open relationship, that's their choice. If they are hurt but stay, that's their choice. If they live the rest of their lives resenting me, then that's their choice too, but it doesn't change the fact that all I did was tell them the truth.

 

I find your post condescending.

[Countrywide88]

If they are in a open relationship it should be nothing to them to hear their gf was kissing another guy. Who cares right!

 

Infidelity should be ended.

[caitcosz]

no. your motive is revenge. i understand you probably feel angry at her but your issue is your boyfriend, not her. you can work on it with him or dump him. stirring up bull in someone else's pot won't make your situation any better.

 

"dating". did you discuss being exclusive at any point? and what are you working out?

Well revenge and letting the poor guy know his girlfriend cheated.

Yes, we're exclusive. We've been together for over three years.. and that's what we're working on.

[caitcosz]

Thanks for your advise. I really want to say something.

[Seraphim]

Remember revenge is revisited 10 fold.