We have a child and I can't bring myself to leave her. She doesn't crave sex!!

[Lucia Amman]

She is always promising me sex once our daughter has been put to bed but once the time arrives she either falls to sleep watching a film or it gets left 'forgotton'.

 

After I had children I felt pretty asexual. My body felt wrecked. It didn't feel like it was made for sex at all but for breastfeeding babies and handling toddlers. Naturally I was tired at the end of the day and I still am. To be honest, the only time I want sex is when the kids are away. Now, I don't live with the father of my children anymore so my kids do go away every other weekend. But I understand this might not be possible for you two. But maybe some grandparent wants to babysit on a regular basis? I know lots of couples who go out every month and have the kids at their parents house so they have a full 12 hour or longer together.

 

This will not work immediately. She wouldn't suddenly crave for sex with you just because the kid is away and you have the time on hands. Romance needs to be billed up again and to me it reads your girlfriend has a lot of brakes. I think the child is brake number one - it makes her feel tired and a mommy, not a girlfriend. The second brake are her insecurities and I'm not sure how you can take that away. You need to built up an environment where she feels secure: not pressured into sex. What was her accelerator when you two just were together? Can you remember a time she would hit on you? Try to re-invent/re-imagine that situation. Don't expect to have sex right away. Again the fuel needs to be built up again.

 

Having a child changes you. You two both need to fall in love again instead of being father and mother. I've promoted this book endlessly on here but I'm doing it again: Come As You Are by Nagoski is a really great book about female sexuality and it describes a lot of couples that are in the same situation as you are.

 

I agree with all the rest of the comments here and she should really work on her insecurities and after that look at her sex drives. I think she really needs to get a better self esteem before raising a child that has the same self esteem issues as the mother. And after that you can look if she/you still needs therapy for the sexual part. That's just a byproduct in this case.

[abitbroken]

So I met my girlfriend in 2010, she was beautiful, funny, all the guys wanted her. We had everything in common and it seemed too good to be true. The only fault was she never initiated sex, I seemed to always have to 'ask' for it. I put it down to shyness as she is generally a shy and insecure girl.

 

This is what you said in the very beginning. So, she wasn't this sex machine before pregnancy either. To me, its a little unfair to want to leave someone for who they were when you met them. She is still an insecure girl. You accepted her and loved her enough to have a baby with her, and you yourself said that before the baby, you saw yourself spending the rest of your life with her. You can meet someone else and have hot sex and no substance or their libido may be killed after baby.

 

I think instead of tearing her down, build her up. Tell her that she does an awesome job with your child, do things that show you have confidence in her, but at the same time suggest marriage counseling. Could there also be something you could do together without the child - biking, doing a marriage retreat, pursuing a hobby that would bring you closer without having to worry about your child? It is something that she needs to fix inside, but you accepted her for the way she was. And now you are saying you don't like who she is. Treat it like depression, a mental illness or something of that nature and support her. If she doesn't get help for her self esteem issues after a time, maybe come to her again about it - but its not something that is going to change in a day.

 

Women tend to withdraw from sex when they don't feel emotionally right.

[Baily]

Tell your wife this. It's a deal breaker and if she won't talk to a GP or therapist, you will divorce and coparent your child.

 

mhowe is DEAD ON! I can't tell you how well that was said...but I will

 

I loved my wife in many aspects, but our sex life sucked! I talked to her many many many times about my frustrations...and nothing changed. I separated and went back with the promise that she'd work on it....guess what...back to the old self....another 5 years passes in frustration....I finally called it quits...and I'm glad I did!!!

 

I was NOT going to live in that forever. I'm 100% happy I made the decision, though it was hard. Just know she's not going to change...so are you going to stay around forever and accept it or not. Staying for the kid is dumb. You can be a great parent not living with her.

[Stay_home]

A sexless marriage doesn't cut it. Move out for a while to an apartment or move back in with your parents. Maybe the separation will help her to realize the direction your marriage is headed in. Still be there for your child of course. The change will be rough, but explain to her that you feel the space will hopefully bring the two of you back together and if not, you will be seeking to divorce. Sometimes, yes, you need to leave or take a step back to show you're not afraid to walk if you have to. People get lazy with their love, they get comfortable and they start doing only what makes them happy. And be serious about it, pack a couple of bags and go.

 

By the same token, if and when you do separate, be willing to accept a compromise. Everybody doesn't have the same sex drive; 1-2 times a week sucks for a guy with a high sex drive, but it's better than once a month. So if she can at least compromise to something feasible than move back home. I'm hoping the distance will help restore some of the flame. A wise man once said that sometime you just have to be willing to show your partner that you can go on without them if they can't pull their end of the deal. Some women don't understand that completely turning off the valve to sex will get either two results: He will leave and get it some place else or he will get it elsewhere while he's with you. As men we are very simple and primitive: Feed us, have sex with us and every now and then tell us that we're doing a great job. Women are far more complex and at times we have to wear many more hats than they do to please our other half. We have to be lovers, friends, counselors, consultants, exterminators, electricians, mechanics, personal chef and therapist! If she's not willing to be more reasonable about this and at least meet you halfway, then I think you may need to seek divorce. In the meantime, start lining your ducks in a row now for the worst case scenario.