Two very different People-Trying to Maintain Friendship- but feeling lonely...

[mistyrain]

I am trying to make sense of how to deal with a certain relationship in my life. I have a friend that I've know for over a decade. We met in high school and although it's been very rocky, over the years we've somehow maintained a "functioning" relationship. I've never been one to hide my religious beliefs and I believe I've grown even more committed to my faith as time progresses, which shows (hopefully) in my lifestyle choices. This friend and I do not have compatible interests and are in different stages of our lives (she has a child, recently divorced), I'm single, without children, never married. Unfortunately even with her life experiences she lacks a lot of maturity and I find myself spending a lot of time and energy doing what I can to help her through her difficult times. I genuinely care for her, but sadly, I do not feel this balance of helping one another is shared. She never really has much to say when it comes to my difficult times or even asks about my well being. I suppose it is a bit pointless to expect her to have the same spiritual perspective, since she is not in a similar place spiritually. However, she considers me her best friend, but unfortunately I do not share the same sentiments. In all of our years of knowing one another, in my opinion we do not share such a level of understanding and intimacy that I can consider the friendship as such. Most of the time I feel very misunderstood and that there is much lacking in our friendship and time has not improved much. I have opened up to share my feelings in the most gentle way as possible (which is the reason for our on and off stance), but of course, she does not understand and I've left the issue alone.

 

With that said, we've parted ways many times before, but as I've grown and matured, I'm not sure if this has been the most Christ like action to take. I LOVE helping anyone in any way I can, but I often feel drained and very lonely in this friendship. I just don't feel that I can go to her for sound advice or counseling. As a result, I actually don't enjoy spending as much time with her as she may with me. I suppose I'm just wondering if anyone else has a similar experience and wanted to know what I should do about this friendship. I feel guilty for feeling this way, but I'm not sure how to go about handling incompatible (mental, spiritual, etc.) friendships without hurting the other person but still able to offer a hand to help. I just really am seeking edifying friendships (both ways), that help growth one another mentally and spiritually.

[DoF]

You call this friendship? Sorry but she uses you as she pleases.......and gives 0 friendship back. You are being used, it's a one way relationship....>NOT a friendship (actually quite opposite from one).

 

Stop trying to help people, many not only don't want to be helped, helping them only make things worse. People need to rely on THEMSELVES and themselves ONLY. A lot of times you create "enabling" type of situation when you try to help.

 

Leave her along, let her fade away. No need to discuss anything or have any kind of closure. She already made it very clear to you VERBALLY and especially with ACTION that he has 0 interest or concern for you. She is NOT a friend.

 

Also, having a female "friend" will prevent you from finding a good woman that you probably really want...

 

I'm not going to even get into the religious aspect of it all cause IMO it's bunch of BS.

 

Good luck

[mistyrain]

DoF,

 

Thank you for your honesty and your response.

 

I do often feel that my kindness is being taken advantage of at times. However, I'm also female- but you're right, she may very well be preventing me from finding a more compatible friend. And in regards to the religious aspect, I deeply respect your opinion. Thanks again.

[DoF]

Use your niceness as a "crappy people filter". When uses it against you, strike 1 (confront them if you feel they even deserve a 2nd chance and they appologize). 2nd time.......rid of them completely.

 

EVERYONE deserves a 2nd chance, but not 3rd.

 

As for general friendships/relationships, they say if someone does not work hard to better their own life, works hard to better your life, is not positive influence or doesn't make you happy.....they are simply not worth being around.

Don't worry, most people never find people like that in their life.

 

Good luck

[catfeeder]

Well, you know by now to stop investing in any expectations that she'll be any different, so the question becomes one of whether you believe that what you offer her is of any value or help to her and if so, whether you gain enough sense of satisfaction in that to continue a bare-bones acquaintanceship with her.

 

If so, then there you are, and you will likely find it less draining once you've settled in your own mind that it will never be reciprocal. If not, then you don't need to create a dramatic ending, you can initiate a fade--and you can cause her to participate in that as well.

 

First, limit your availability. Offer times to meet that you know are not her preference. When you do see or speak with her, avoid allowing her to dominate the conversation by turning the tables and speaking about yourself--a lot--and regardless of whether you believe she's listening all that well.

 

She will tire of you taking the reins to equalize the conversation, and she will tire of your offerings of availability being limited to the times not best for her.

 

The whole point is to avoid creating an enemy while at the same time failing to give this woman what she takes for granted and doesn't 'use' in ways that are beneficial to her anyway. She will most likely meet you halfway in the fade, and this leaves the door open for both of you to possibly meet on higher ground someday.

 

Head high, and don't pull the Christ thing on yourself. He was no doormat, either.

[abitbroken]

You can't say you like to help in any way you can, then express resentment over it. It doesn't work both ways.

 

I don't feel just because you are an ear for a friend, that they in turn have to be a good ear for you. I have some friends that are good counsel for me, and others that are more activity of situational friends that I have a good time doing particular activities with, or have interests with, but I don't confide super deeply with - and we are still good friends. I always have a good time with them and we enjoy getting together. I suggest you don't hold her for needing to be exactly to you what you are to her.

 

That being said, I would set a boundary about what you will and will not do for her. Also, have you tried having more in common with her, or even setting the boundary by telling her that you are glad she appreciates the support you give, but feel that when you are in need of an ear, she doesn't provide that.l Frankly, not everyone is good at that.

 

Can you accept this friend is not a deep emotional connection for you and fit her in some other way - start talking about interests you share again, or agreeing to see her in certain circumstances - not with you bringing dinner that you made for her fridge for a week, etc, but meeting for coffee once in awhile?

 

I think that is your main error - expecting every friend to exactly mirror you.