One month NC. Will he come back??

[Janie]

Hi everyone, I'm just reaching out for a little help to get my head round what has happened.

 

Apologies in advance its a bit of a long story, but I guess I'm just trying to vent. I've been scouring this site for weeks now and always find solace in reading the threads on here.

 

Tomorrow it will exactly one month since my ex said the dreaded sentence "I love you but I'm not in love with you." We were just a couple of weeks short of our 1 year anniversary. We were (at least in my mind) blissfully happy together throughout the duration of our short time together. We never really argued, were super affectionate, open and honest with each other all the time and if I ever had any worries or doubts he would put me at ease and reassure me that he loved me as much as I loved him.

 

Then it happened. Although he was still affectionate to me and still called regularly, I just sensed that something seemed wrong. I couldn't put my finger on it, but you know when you just have a gut feeling that someone isn't happy? For example - I'm a nurse and work a lot of crazy hours, weekend and night shifts. I was doing split nightshifts (3 nights, 2 days off then another 4 nights). He would normally send me messages on Facebook asking how my shift was going and to say goodnight. One night he didn't send a message at all. I sent him a message at about midnight just saying " Goodnight baby, I miss you" .. I saw that he read it, but he didn't reply. He always used to reply and say he missed me too. That was probably the biggest warning sign that I got and it did worry me but I didn't act on it though. He sent a nice message the following morning, but he still didn't say that he missed me.

 

Anyway.. I thought my doubts would go after seeing him, but I met up with him at his workplace one lunchtime (I had to do this often just to make time and effort to see him because my shifts got in the way a lot). The feeling didn't go away.. He was kissing me lots, but still, something felt a bit off. He said he wasn't feeling himself that day too. I don't know why that worried me but it did. That night I strugglerd to sleep.. I read back through all our facebook messages trying to make sense of what I was feeling and I accidently hit the little "like" button thing.. He sent me a message early that morning saying "Now what were you doing looking at facebook at 5:00 in the morning? xxx" and then it began. I said I couldn't sleep. Then I said "Baby, can I ask you something?" and he said yes. Then I asked if everything was ok because I'd been having a niggling feeling that he wasn't as happy as he had been before. It took hime about half an hour to write a response. I realised he was ending it before I got the response, I could see he was typing while I waited to hear back from him. He said it wasn't good to write it in an email, however he said something had felt a bit off (literally just in that last week) he said he hadn't really missed me the way he did before while I was on night shifts. He said "IF our time as a couple has ended then please don't be sad that it's over, but just be happy that it happened." This felt so cold and detached.. as if the pain is one sided and I'm the only one who will be sad while he's delighted to be free again. I was at work and phoned him in a panic. He tried to calm me down and agreed to come to see me and talk it through after work. I thought we were going to sort it out, but when he came over thats when he finally said he wasn't in love anymore.

 

I was distraught and initially I tried to fight it. I just kept asking about all the things that he had said and done when he loved me. He confirmed everything he said was true and that he really did feel that way about me and that he just didn't understand himself why it has changed. I had sort of pleaded with him at first. I said "Why won't you let me love you?! I love you so much, I wanted to marry you and have children" (he had sited a reason for having doubts about me was that I'm not very maternal and he thought I didn't want to have children). In the end I turned it around though.. Maybe it was because he seemed so unsure about it, but I felt confident enough to accept it and let him go. He has a very expressive face, and he looked taken aback when I said "Well I guess thats it then, I can't do much about it! If you need to go I won't stand in the way. I respect you for being honest with me." He looked worried and sauid "I'll porbably change my mind.. I'll get home and you will probably get a phonecall from me" and I said "No! Look if you get home and feel that way, don't call me. It will be a knee jerk reaction. I want you to really think about it because the last thing I need is to be hurt by you again." I told him how I had finished relationships in the past and tried to go back only to realise it wasn't right.. He seemed upset when I told him I wouldn't let him backtrack in the same way that I had in the past. He was say "But you did it though?!" and I said "It didn't work!" He lingered in the door for ages that night. He kept walking away a bit, then coming back to kiss me and hug me. He held my face and said "I'm sorry" in a broken voice. He kept calling me sweetheart and baby and i told him off for it "No, I'm not sweetheart anymore! I'm just Jane to you now. Now please leave, you're dragging this out too much."

 

Days after that he was posting things on facebook.. saying he was heartbroken and unsure about his feelings. He posted a picture saying "I'm not perfect. I make mistakes. I hurt people that don't deserve to get hurt. But when I say I'm sorry I mean it".. Then about a week later I got a hand written letter from him in the post - 4 sides of A4. It still gave no explanation but he waffled on about how amazing the relationship was.. He said "I could be making the biggest mistake of my life, but it would be a bigger mistake to be untruthful to you." This written closure for us both according to him, but I just think it was a lot of hot air lol. I acknowledged his letter in a facebook message.. I had one final vent to him about everything I had felt in that last week including how I hadn't really eaten or slept and that although I wished he would change his mind, I could accept that it was over. He really wanted to stay friends but I couldn't handle that. I told him I couldn't stay friends on Facebook and that I needed a proper break from him. That was 3 weeks ago. I haven't spoken to him since! Not even a peep. What I'm wondering now is if he will initiate any sort of conversation. I noticed when I wrote "Happy birthday" on a mutual friend's timeline, he posted immediately after me.. Maybe i'm reading way too much into that, but I think if he didn't want to draw attention to himself he wouldn't have done that..?? I dunno..

 

 

I don't know what to do about it. Just when I think I'm moving on it all comes back and hits me hard again. I feel so rejected.. He got the very best of me and it wasn't enough for him. I feel sad and even angry at times. Then I convince myself that I'm better off without him. I only know I'm not over it because I can't bear the thought of speaking to him right now and not sure if I ever will again unless I can have him back. I want him back, but then I know it will never be the same because he's broken my trust now.. What a mess! I keep sort of hoping he will send a message to check on me, but since I removed him and said I need a break I guess he is being respectful and keeping out of the way for now. If thats the case I really respect him for it.. I just hope he isn't staying away because he hates me.. I really have no idea whats on his mind.

 

Any thoughts? Has anyone been in this situation before? Did your ex come back, or is the "unfriend barrier" on facebook too difficult for the dumper to cross?

 

Sorry it was so long.. If you've made it this far then thank you for reading!

 

Jane xx

[greta96]

Hi Jane, I can't tell you if he will come back or not, but I wanted to say that you handled things very, very well. You didn't make the mistakes lots of dumpees make - plead for ages (a bit of pleading when he dropped the bomb was natural, you were blindsided!), or keep in contact as "friends" hoping the dumper would reconsider. Accepting the breakup was the right thing to do, and took away some of his resolve to end things. He was expecting you to grovel and crumble under the pain, he was counting on the possibility that you'd stick around taking his breadcrumbs, while he was moving on. He was hoping you'd aid his process of moving on. When you refused to do so, he was taken aback, because he realized he would have to go through the process all by himself.

 

All I have to say is: keep strong. Do not even think of contacting him, be it by phone, email, FB or any other means. If he wants to get back together, it's on him to do all the work, and depending on how much effort he puts in and how serious he is about making your relationship work, you can maybe consider giving him another chance. Think long and hard if you do take him back though, because second chances can go either way - the relationship can be even better, or much weaker. But the main thing is - do not fall into the trap of being "friends" with him (which would be a demotion, and a road to becoming FWB, which is a slap in the face, when you used to be his girlfriend), you only agree to meet over a coffee (NOT sex!!!) IF he shows deep regret for his actions and a strong, honest desire to make your relationship work. Anything less than that - you just don't reply.

 

Head high. If you don't hear from him again, it only means he was not the "one" for you, and it's best that it ended now, and not 5 years from now.

[Janie]

 

Thank you for the reply Greta, I apreciate it.. And I totally agree with the above quote!

 

I don't want to brag, but I am really pleased that I didn't give him the desired ego boost! It's humiliating enough being dumped by someone you're crazy about, but its even more humiliating to act crazy when you lose them. I made silly mistakes with previous boyfriends and regretted it later, so I guess this time I was determined to keep hold of my dignity. Its funny how it sort turned around in that final conversation and he was getting upset with me and saying I was being "very flippant". As he left he had the cheek to say "This would be so much easier if you hated me".. Like, "Oh, I'm sorry for making this soooo difficult for you! Boo hoo!" lol..

 

The annoying thing is aall the lame excuses he gave before dropping the actual bomb. I'd been talking about us potentially moving in together in the future. He had previously been quite positive about that kind of stuff. He's 40 and still lives with his parents whereas I'm 30 and have my own flat. I'm not currently living there - I moved out to do my nurse training 3 years ago, and now just waiting to go back when my tenant moves out. I digress.. so he didn't want to move in with me.. His reasons? It would add an extra 20 minutes to his commute to work AND to get to his martial arts club (its the only thing he cares about)!! He gave it all up for his previous girlfriend.. He moved away to Devon with her then she fell out of love with him and he came back this way. Thats the other reason he gave.. He was worried because he was hurt before and didn't want it to happen again.. I can understand it might feel like a gamble, but you can't run away from life just because of a bad experience. He was very pessimistic like that, if he failed at something he wouldn't try again. On the other hand I'm a very positive person in comparison.

 

I wish I could fast forward to get away from this pain. I'm happy enough on my own and not fussed about finding a new boyfriend yet. I just want to move on really and forget about him. Its so hard at times though..

[mhowe]

He's 40 and still lives with his parents whereas I'm 30 and have my own flat. I'm not currently living there - I moved out to do my nurse training 3 years ago, and now just waiting to go back when my tenant moves out. I digress.. so he didn't want to move in with me.. His reasons? It would add an extra 20 minutes to his commute to work AND to get to his martial arts club (its the only thing he cares about)!! He gave it all up for his previous girlfriend

 

Red flags everywhere. And extra 20 minutes? gadzooks.

His club? Seriously.

Living back with mommy and daddy. At age 40.

 

This wasn't what you thought it was. And kids with this guy?

 

Time to trade up.

[Janie]

Hahaha yeah is a proper mamas boy.. She used to put his vitamins out on the table for him at breakfast time! He acted a bit like a spoilt brat at times also. I used to say to him "If I spoke to my mum like that I would get my ears bent!!" Not that I'd have to worry about that now, my mum passed away 2.5 years ago!

 

The excuse about the increased commute time is pathic BS! It was quite cheesy, at the time I sort of made the offer for him to potentially move in with me he said "Thank you so much for the opportunity.. I just think that at this time I need to be where I am so I can focus on the club.. yadda yadda yadda".. That was couple of weeks before s**t hit the fan, so I suppose that could have been the trigger point for him getting cold feet.

 

When I look back at all his stupid excuses and how childish he can be it makes me feel a lot better about the situation tbh. Still having ups and downs, but I hope It'll get better when I go back to my own place and start re-decorating.

 

Onwards and upwards!

[Janie]

Laughing at "Thank you for the opportunity..." like it was job interview or something! Hahahaaa.. deary me!!

[ParisPaulette]

Chin up, one month of NC is still pretty new and when you begin NC is when you start to really heal. So keep healing. And I'm sorry, but I think you dodged a major bullet. He likely realized you had a seriously good work ethic and sooner or later you'd come to cross swords over it when he wanted to keep being a child seriously a grown man who's mother is still putting his vitamins out for him like he's 2??? And a 20-minute commute was going to be too much? SMH hope he never moves to someplace like New Mexico or Wyoming where you have to drive a good hour or more to get from one point of civilization to another if you need something beyond local. Or L.A. for that matter where 20 minutes equals an hour no matter where you are and go. That's just lazy.

 

Stay NC, stay strong, next time they turn out to be that dependent on their parents at the age of 40 run like the wind. And yes, I know that's easier said than done. I can look back on my last ex now and wonder where my head was at. And you will get there too, but it's hard to see that sometimes during the breakup itself. You will get there though, I promise.

[Janie]

It makes it easier when I feel I've dodged a bullett. I always seem to attract unsuccessful men that cling to their mum's aprons Hmm little chance of him moving anywhere by the sound of it, he said he wants to be near his family.. that caused issues early on because I talked about travelling and possibly working abroad in Canada or America for a while (I live in England).. He said early on that it woulsd be selfish of him to hold me back if I wanted to do that as he would never consider moving abroad.. Devon was too far for him and thats only a 3/4 hour drive! (I think some states in the US are bigger than the UK altogether lol.

 

I refuse to give in and contact him though. If he wants to come back he'll have to do something blimmin spectacular, let me assure you! I'm not going to panda to his massive ego

[Janie]

Ooooh man. I've got it bad. Out of nowhere I had a breakdown and started crying yesterday. Think I've had too much time alone a the moment. I'm missing so bad today, feeling so tempted to break NC at times just to check on him. No matter how much I keep telling myself this is the best thing it's not making me feel any better I hate this pain

[MissingKay]

I'm in exactly the same position only I wasted 9 years on this d**k. Don't break NC you will only feel much worse after it. I say so havin done some myself yesterday he didn't message back or answer when I called. I feel so much worse now then when I did before contacting him. I know it's hard but you it will only put your recovery process back. And give him an ego boost. Don't give away the control you have worked so hard to gain...be strong...from a fellow Englander!

[jessie89]

9 years and he can't give you an explanation as to what's changed for him? Id be p*ssed. After that length of time together you'd expect him to at least be able to voice his concerns and work through them with you rather than going cold and distant then ending it by an email! Also the fact he still lives at home.. It just all screams immature to me. I've been in a similar position but it was after 18 months, not as long as your rship. Who knows whether he will come back or not. Would you take him back though that's the question you should ask yourself. If he's going to flake on you for no logical reasons other than "I love you but not in love with you" then maybe him being out of your life is a blessing in disguise.