SO best friend don't get along

[Lucia Amman]

How do you handle it if your SO his/her best friend is a horrible person? Or if you two just don't get along?

 

Do you think you need to express this to your partner or leave it alone and pretend you like their best friend just the same?

 

I don't have any personal issues I'm just curious about what is most normal in situations like these. And how others have handled such encounters in the past.

[Snny]

This thread is similar to this question.

 

Do you think you need to express this to your partner or leave it alone and pretend you like their best friend just the same?

Neither. You never want to put your SO in a position where he/she has to choose between you or his/her friends. Almost all the time, the friends will win because they have a better rapport than you (hence the term "Bros before H*s.") And pretending to "like" someone when they don't like you... some people will view it as a sign of weakness as if you are backing down, and it gives them an opening to take advantage of you for "being fake."

 

You need to act genuine to gain their respect. You need to be civil. Don't engage into any confrontation because you will lose. Make sure your partner is on-board with reasonable relationship boundaries and honors them. You need to take the situation on a neutral stance and not feed into their games when they act up. The more they continue to act like jerks, the SO will take notice, and it will bite them.

[Lucia Amman]

Oh I didn't see that thread! Sorry about that. I can the see the similarity lol.

 

That said. I do wonder what one would do if your SO hangs out a LOT with his/her best friends and so you see that friend frequently. And you hate that friend. I would think this situation does make it acceptable to talk about said friend.

 

But should you say that you hate him/her? Or dislike?

 

What if that friend is totally bad for you SO and you notice that he/she brings your SO to the edge. Maybe they use a lot of drugs (alcohol or other). Is it still not acceptable to intervene?

[Snny]

I do wonder what one would do if your SO hangs out a LOT with his/her best friends and so you see that friend frequently. And you hate that friend. I would think this situation does make it acceptable to talk about said friend.

You need to be careful how you approach this. You can't tell your SO that you don't like their friends and therefore you don't want him/her to hang out with them. You will lose that argument quickly because it come accross as you are choosing your SO's friends. Whether he/she decides to hang out with them (without you) is up to them. You can voice your opinion, but be prepared to answer why and to find a reasonable solution.

 

But should you say that you hate him/her? Or dislike?

Hate is a very strong word. You won't get positive results from this if you tell your SO that you hate his/her friends. In fact you are placing your relationship at risk because it puts your SO I'm the position of choosing you or his friends. Friendships tend to last longer than dating relationships.

 

And disliking... Careful with this one. You dislike someone's behavior, not the actual person. Your partner will be more receptive if you talk about the friend's behavior. Honestly what do you expect your SO to do about it? He/she can't change the way how his/her friends act.

 

What if that friend is totally bad for you SO and you notice that he/she brings your SO to the edge. Maybe they use a lot of drugs (alcohol or other). Is it still not acceptable to intervene?

Then you need to evaluate what kind of person your SO is if he/she hangs out with that crowd. If the friends are doing illegal activities or using substances, then why is he/she choosing hanging around them? Almost all the time, it's because your SO engaged in those activities as well.

 

My husband met two "friends" who were into narcotics. They tried to get us into it. I was becoming a teacher where I can be drug tested at any given time without warning, and I was not risking my future career by doing something illegal- nor will I associate myself with a person who does it. My husband agreed and was in medical school- he could also get deported if he did narcotics. He ended up leaving those friends. They have been busted by the police more than twice and served jail time.

 

Guys who party and drink excessively are gone. One thing to do in college (especially if you plan on flunking out), but not in the adult world. Alcoholics become abusive and suicidal maniacs. I had a family member who was alcoholic and committed suicide. I had another family member who was beaten by her boyfriend evaluate he couldn't handle his drinking. I had a family friend who drank excessive amounts that she had to be taken to a hospital to get her stomach pumped or she would have died from over drinking.

 

I would not hesitate to discontinue my relationship with a person who is in the drinking/drug scene through friends, and so should you.

 

Don't try to change a person- you won't be successful.

[Hermes]

Yes Snny.

 

What you say is at the heart of the matter:

 

"Then you need to evaluate what kind of person your SO is if he/she hangs out with that crowd. If the friends are doing illegal activities or using substances, then why is he/she choosing hanging around them? Almost all the time, it's because your SO engaged in those activities as well."

[Lucia Amman]

Well to be fair I have a few friends who do narcotics occasionally. And yes I'm 100% sure they aren't doing it daily. But when I met them and became friend with them they both weren't doing anything with drugs at all. They didn't even drink alcohol. They just changed over time about their views. I still consider them my friends, they are not addicted to it and I think one of them even stopped doing any of that. She was just curious and wanted to try it for awhile.

 

So having friends that do that doesn't always mean you did it. I would strongly debate that. Because I never used anything nor am I interested in doing so!

 

Back on topic I meant if your SO's best friend who you dislike or hate or whatever.. Is hanging out at your place a lot. Can you still not say anything about that?

 

I would like to thing that my relationship is strong enough to be honest to say what we think about each other friends. My SO has expressed to me his doubts about some of my friends and I'm ok with that. He doesn't say I shouldn't hang out with them anymore. I think that would be crossing a line but I would pay more attention as to if I would invite them over to our house or just meet up in a cafe without my SO hanging around. I think that's just being decent to each other, really. And I would like my SO to do the same for me.

[Snny]

Well to be fair I have a few friends who do narcotics occasionally. And yes I'm 100% sure they aren't doing it daily. But when I met them and became friend with them they both weren't doing anything with drugs at all. They didn't even drink alcohol. They just changed over time about their views. I still consider them my friends, they are not addicted to it and I think one of them even stopped doing any of that. She was just curious and wanted to try it for awhile.

 

So having friends that do that doesn't always mean you did it. I would strongly debate that. Because I never used anything nor am I interested in doing so!

You are who you associate yourself with. If they are your friends, they need to be encouraged to seek professional help. But eventually, you will lose your friends to drug, or end up joining them. Narcotics will always affect your lifestyle and your relationships with people.

 

Back on topic I meant if your SO's best friend who you dislike or hate or whatever.. Is hanging out at your place a lot. Can you still not say anything about that?

I need specific details. Are you living together? Who's name is on the property? Did you both discuss boundaries before moving in? If a guest showed up on my property with illegal substances, I'd ask them to leave or I will contact the police.