Husband deployed with military to Iraq,rarely communicates

[pennyhtaylor]

Brand new here and looking for advice. I am a newleywed, June 12, 2004. My husband was in the natinal guard and got depolyed to Iraq. he has been there a month. He was on active duty in the states and called every day and we saw each other as much as we could before he left the US. It only costs him 2 cents a min to call and he knows he can call anytime of day or night. I email him daily and he doesn't usually reply. He does hate to write, but has written me 1 letter. He is busy, I know, but emailed me the first day he got there and said he'd email me every day, we bought him a new laptop before he left. I have drafted a message but haven't emailed it to him, am trying to be patient and understanding. he and I talked at length about communicating via email before he left. I know for sure he opens my messages. Any advice?

[BeenCheated]

I think you should just ask him why he's been so quiet. Be sure to sound as sweet and loving as possible when you do, so you don't come off suspicoius or accusing.

[jayne]

for what it's worth...I think you should sent him a very heartfelt lettter expressing your concerns and tell him exactly what your expectations are...for example, "Unless physically impossible due to immediate danger I would like for you to call me 2 times weekly and sent me a short note on the days we don't talk on the phone."

 

Spell it out for him and see what he says!

[pennyhtaylor]

Sounds like you are both saying to just ask him what's going on and tell him how I feel and what I need? That's what my draft message does, I'd really rather talkt o him on the phone but I can't call him. Sounds like the best advice, just looking for reassurance that I am not expecting something unreasonable. He set the expectation that i would hear from him via email daily, after all. I am worried about his safely, and about our relationship, of course. Thank you both.

[Meow18]

I agree with the first poster. Just send him an email like you normally would and maybe at the end, say something like, "It seems like you have been busy lately, I don't hear from you too often anymore. I hope everything is ok and just remember that you can call me anytime, day or night. I miss talking to you like we used to."

[vickyx]

i think hes not e-mailing or ringing because he just dosnt have time, my bf is away at sea with the rfa i hardly hear from him,also he dosnt like writing and just dosnt have time he gets up early,by the time he has finished hes too tired to think about doing anything eles.

 

also he has to be social otherwise he wont fit in,

 

i dont think you have anything to worry about xxxx

[pennyhtaylor]

I hope you are all right that there's nothing to worry about. The silence is just deafening and especially knowing that he gets my messages but doesn't reply just hurts my feelings, especially since we so explicitly talked about this very thing arising and I spelled out exactly what I would like an dhe agreed that if he'd be unablt to contact me he'd have someonw else there at least email me to say he'd be out of pocket and unable to call or email for however many days. Perhaps I jsut need to remind him. I do know he is busy and am really trying to be patient and understanding.

[DN]

what type of military unit is he with - he may be in a situation where it is tactically not a good idea to be doing stuff like that, or he may be on duty a lot and then very tired. If he is in a semi-combat situation, he is under stress and soldiers typically don't think about people at home much under those situations. The reason I know this is that I was a soldier at one time.

 

It is probably nothing to do with you and all about where he is and what he is doing. It may not be a good idea to add to any stress that he is undergoing.

[tea]

I posted your reply somewhere and these are people's responses.

 

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Hi everyone. I don't usually have the chance to write...but after reading this message that tea copied, I just had to respond. I would offer this advice to the newlewed...love can move mountains!!! I am sitting here thinking about my sweetheart, who is now in Iraq. I think of him day in, day out, around the clock. I know what it feels like to be apart from someone you love soooo very much. However, you must be patient. Eventhough we don't like to think of it this way, they are all at the military's beck and call. When they say go, they must. We all lie in wait for many days, sometimes weeks for a call or some form of communication. Just do as I do. Wait for the call and try to put yourself into his shoes. What I mean by this is--regardless of how proud they are, our men have a job to do that most of us will never comprehend. They are often homesick, lonley for us, and sometimes afraid. This is where we must offer them love and support and pray for the time when they come home and then iron out any misunderstandings that may have occurred during our time of separation. There may not be much time for them to communicate with us, so we must be patient. And in order to sustain our strength...we must ignore the rhetoric of dispassionate and insensitive persons such as this.

 

Peace and Blessings!

Nadira

tea-you should invite the newlywed to our group. She will definitely find support here!

 

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That is ridiculous. My boyfriend is in Iraq as well and we have been together for almost 2 years and I know that his time is limited and that he is not able to communicate as long as he would like, and so I send him emails when I feel the urge to talk to him, so that he can get them when he has the chance (I don't overload his email or anything), but I UNDERSTAND that he has major time limitations and this is a sacrifice that we are making and that I knew about already when I decided to be in this relationship. Maybe they just didn't talk things out initially...?

 

Anyway...I think most of us here understand that the communication limitation is one of the major differences between regular LDR and military LDR's...

 

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She may

be young and she may be new to the whole military thing. As she said "I am a

newleywed, June 12, 2004. My husband was in the natinal guard and got

depolyed to Iraq." Her hubby is in the National guard. She most likely has

never been in this situation before and has no idea that he cannot write

everyday. Not all of us are familiar with the hardships of being in the

military. She might also have a problem with self esteem and feels that her

hubby is not writing by choice. I dont think she is being selfish at all. I

am sure it is hard on him over there and he does not have a chance to write

but she just doesn't know it. I think her writing that message proves that

she loves him and is concerned about her hubby's well being.

 

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pennyhtaylor,

 

 

I hate posting on this board but ah, wellz, I still care about people suffering through military ldrs.

 

Don't worry, your husband loves you and he'll get to you ASAP.

 

I doubt he's checking his e-mails half as often as you think he's checking his e-mails. My boyfriend hasn't checked his in 2 weeks because they don't have internet right now.

 

A lot of soldiers in Iraq are so busy that you really shouldn't expect more than 1 e-mail from them a week. If they e-mail you twice, be happy because your husband loves you a lot so he put in the extra effort to e-mail you again.

 

Well, good luck. Hang in there. There are a lot of military ldr support groups if you look around. MSN groups, Yahoo groups, Liver journal groups, blogs... I wish you the best.

 

tea

[pennyhtaylor]

Well, he called --thank God--and we discussed.

 

I am young in the deployment thing, I am 40 .yo. , twin stepdaughters age 19, and my husband is in his 25th year with NGuard. We talked about the emailing explicitlty before he left and how just a brief response, "can't talk...gotta go" would suffice and that he would have someone there to contact me to tell me he woud have to be incommunicado for X pd of time as it occurred. So, we talked about it tonight and it said there's no excuse and I feel better, just have to see how it goes from here. I, of course, told him how proud I was of him, the mission he is on, etc, so it was good. I want to thank all of you for your input. I hope that our conversation was productive, for him to know that I care and that I do need him, that everything at home is fine and waiting fir him, for me to know that he will try to remind I am not forgotten. Thanks everyone fo input!

[DN]

Good for you and for him. Hope all goes well. Tell him to keep his head down and his foxhole dry. I know he's in an office but it is just a saying.