Please give me some advice, Please

[goodoleboy]

Well, I hope the ones reading this post will give me some advice I can use and trust me I will use it. I am going through a divorce. 4 weeks ago yesterday she moved out. I rejected her back in July-August. I was running a company and starting a new one at the same time. I just bought us a new home and had alot of things on my mind about money. She tried to get me to go to bed almost every night and I would stay on the computer working till way in the night and then go to bed and she would have been asleep for hours. She tried to have sex almost every night and I shot her down. Just all into work for the family to make life better for us and stress was through the roof.

 

She then was talking to a guy that she knew from work on the cell phone and text mess. and she went to his house once. She went to him for advice but he saw more to it and tried more. I found out a month into it via cell phone bill. Then she called him and also to his face infront of me stated she valued her husband and her marriage way to much and for him never to speak to her again. He called and she told me. She elected to change her cell phone number. She then became a perfect wife. Cooking and cleaning the house and running everywhere for me and doing things and telling me that she was devoted to me and how much she loved me for months. I was a prick. I would tell her that I live day to day. She told me a million times that she hated not knowing day to day if I was going to file for divorce. Then after telling her I really thought about the divorce alot she went and filled and just gave up. She works for her mom and lives with her mom and dad now. They wont let her do anything but work and be around them. She cant even get her own place. (They are paying her side of the divorce). Her dad is cool but her mom hates me now. We have to hide to go out or for her to come over. She tells me she is getting the divorce no matter what. We can date afterward and see what happens but she is getting the divorce.

 

We went to the first hearing last tuesday. I pretended her and her mother were not there. Then she called me to come see her for dinner in a near by city. We got along great. Then she came by the next day for dinner and then she wanted to take a bath together (big whirlpool tube) and then off to bed we went. She left soon after. Then she calls me daily. She came by again Monday 2 times. She bed thing happened again. The she found me at a store the next day and was real nice and told me how I had changed and how bad her mother ticks her off. But still wants the divorce.

 

Now, I have read so many posts. NC is the key to most of them. I feel that the no contact is hard but can be done. I know she will call today or tomorrow. I have a date with a lady friend tonight. (no sex, Ill see to it) then I have a date for the weekend in Dallas for Friday till sunday. Again no sex. Ill see to it. Then a date for the super bowl Sunday night. ditto on no sex. I have an abundace of ladies to date but I just dont feel right having sex with them. But will the no contact help me now or just make it worse?? Her birthday is on the 6th of this month. Flowers??? V-day is the 14th. Flowers?? Or should I just move on and NC and date others and see where it goes.

 

I love my wife and know that I messed up. I know what I need to change and have done alot of it. She noticed this and I never say a word or ask her is she noticed. I stopped telling her that I love her. Since she would say "I did love you". I dont open the door for painful things anymore.

 

Last thing, and I am sorry this is so long. But I make well in the 6 figures a year. So money on my side is nothing. I live in a population of 80,000 so there are not many of us making this kinda money. Now she makes around $800 per month. So her life style just went to hell. She talks about being broke all the time. she gets mad since my life didnt change a bit on the money side of the house. I want her back and for the right reasons and for a healthy relationship and it is causing me not to eat, sleep and go crazy. I need some advice on how to get her back and make things right. Thanks for the time of this long post and please forgive me.

[CamaroJoe]

Now, this is really hard for you because you love her and you were married to her. And i've never been married before but i'll go out on the limb anyway and give you the best advice I can give.

First off, you obviously can't force her to stay with you or come back to you. That's something you just have to let her do on her own. So you have to wait

Secondly, don't tell her you want her back, it's ok to call every now and then to keep in touch since it doesn't seem as though you hate eachother. And it seems the only reason she wants the divorice is because, to her, it seems you don't have the time to committ to her. So she feels she's doing this for the both of you. Maybe she feels she's holding you back and putting more stress in your life than what you need or already have.

Thirdly, just do what you have to do. Keep working, make your money, i know it's hard but you have to keep busy so you don't think of her as much. It will take a loooong time to get over her, if you ever do. (if you want to).

Lastly...even though you'll be 'leaving her alone', some how, make it so that she knows you still care about her, but you CAN live without her but PREFER not to.

 

So if you want her back, just leave her alone, do your thing, and just wait. She'll see that you're fine without her even though you still love her and care about her...and maybe, she'll come around.

 

G'luck!!!

[chai714]

I am a firm believer in actions speaking louder than words. Sure, you both get along great, but she STILL wants a divorce. There has to be a reason she wants a divorce. I'm not sure how young she is, but there seems to be some possibility of reconciliation, since you BOTH seem willing. I question her motives for insisting that the divorce go through . . .perhaps financial motives on her behalf?

 

If you say that you two are getting along as well as you are, then could you convince her to stop the paperwork on the divorce for now? How well can you negotiate with her? If you could persuade her that she could always file later, would she be willing?

 

Meanwhile, if you do want her back, I would not start dating others. This will only damage things between you and her more than they already are. If she's willing to perhaps file for a divorce later (or halt the paperwork for now), then you could suggest counseling. Would that be a viable option at this point?

[goodoleboy]

She is 24. She wanted to have a baby so bad in the months of Sept - December. She was going to the doctor to get on medications and doing tests weekly. She would buy baby stuff all the time. Broke her heart when the month was over and nothing. But the divorce is being pushed by her mother. We cant even go out due to her mother. She told me that the women would go through the roof if she found out. We broke up one time before we got married. I went about 4 days with NC. She called me and went off on me for not calling her. Now we have been a little over a day and she will call. But her mother is behind it and she fears what her mother thinks. Her mother is a very unhappy women. She does not want us to be happy nor have more than her. Anyway. I always take her calls. Most of the time she is in a good mood. But ever now and then she just goes off. I dont argue or say much. Just passive.

 

But I have seen so many people post that time heals alot and brings alot together. I know she loves me. She told her mother right before her mother took her to file that she loved me with all her heart but its hard to live with me.

 

Why does she want to come over?? Why does she call for stupid things?? Why does she still want to have sex?? She claims she wants the divorce. Why does she think about vacations with each other?? Then she tries to make me jealous by talking about guys asking her out. She says things to just try to piss me off. I dont let it though. I cant figure out what a women thinks. She will tell me all the time that we had a perfect marriage until I was in a shell for a month. Then it was all down heal becasue of her deal on the phone all the time with another man.

 

Should I avoid her calls for the next week and just not speak to her. Last time I did this it drove her up the wall.

[chai714]

As long as she's being influenced by her mother, it's going to be difficult to persuade her to your way of thinking. Your goal right now should be to delay the paperwork for the divorce. Not sure how good your persuasion skills are though. Pick up a book by David J. Lieberman called, "Get Anyone to do Anything." There are some good psychological tactics you might find useful in your situation.

[goodoleboy]

I will go get it this evening. On the fact of the dealy. I was told by my lawyer that if I wanted to delay this for 6months or a year there is no problem. The last man he delayed the divorce for took a year and a half. So I am good on that aspect.

[sonjam]

I can understand how she is unwilling to let go of the divorce because of her mother. YOu see parents (especially if we are living with them) can have a BIG impact on our lives. You must know that they are brainwashing her every night, and continually making sure she's going to do what they want.

 

I can also understand how she's so confused right now, she relies on them for support and income, by not doing what they say, she will be cutting own lifeline, but she's obviously not sure she can rely on you either, after what's happened, so she's pretty much between a rock and a hard place, but then, so are you!

 

NC would probably work best. Even if you could keep it up for a week or two. This will cut the cord with you completely and make her look at her situation properly. At the moment she knows you are VERY MUCH there for her, so she can play along with mommy's game. If you are not there for her, then she has to deal with this alone, and it will definitely get her to make a decision.

 

Please don't do this to manipulate though. Do this and also take the time away from her, with no contact to clear your own head, and make sure this (your marraige and her) is what you really want. It can only help to make you see things clearly, and for her too.

 

I suggest you try NC for at least 2 weeks.

[goodoleboy]

I will do what you say. NC for 1 to 2 weeks. I know she cant go over 24 hours but I can. I know she will call and make up a reason. But I wont take the call.

 

She knows on the lifline I have always been there. The girl has had everything she wanted. New cars, money to shop daily, and new homes. So she knows that she would be well taken care of.

 

But going from a princess back to nothing has to be hard. But why does she try to make me jealous and insist on the divorce and talk about after the divorce that we can go out. And most of all why does she come over for things and sex and call almost every day??? If ya want a divorce would you not just break all ties?? She is very hard headed and set in her ways. She told me the last time we broke up that we had to wait months to get back together or I would have never changed some things. She was right. But how long can one hold out if she does want to work it out??

[sonjam]

who know what is going on in her mind....

 

Maybe we will never know, what you have to do now if focus on salvaging your own life. Yes she can be hard headed and all the rest of it. But keep up the NC. It is for your own good. It will force her (and you) to re-evaluate the situation, and if she still insists on the divorce, then so be it.

 

It is strange to me, to still want to visit, and have sex, and so on, but to insist on divorce. You sure she's ONLY seeing YOU at the moment? Maybe she really has other romatic interests, you know she is still young, and maybe she feels like playing the field a bit.

 

I don't know, Im speculating, to try and see why she is behaving the way she is. Only you would know, and if you don't well, then stop focussing on her and start focussing on YOU. At the moment you are the most important person in your life. You have to make sure you are ok, and that you work on whatever caused this in the first place.

[goodoleboy]

Ya know. You may have hit the nail on the head. She wanted to live together during the divorce. But she would leave in the late afternoon and return at 11:00 pm or midnight. She did this 3 times in 4 nights. She would not tell me nor her parents where she was. We would not aprove of it. But she comes to me for money and things she needs. She always wants something. Now she does not get it but she always asks.

 

If she was doing this on the side behind my back and her parents whe would not tell this since it would mess her up in the divorce. But she tried so hard to be a good wife at the end and I shot her down due to the phone calls she made. But this guy is a young, young fry cook at a greasy spoon cafe. Income of $220 per week. He has nothing. But he was there to make her feel good. So if she is still messing with him then she may be torn. But if she is getting support and money from me then she is fine and can do more with him.

 

Now, she gets mad over the thought of another women living in our home and the thought of another women driving my vette. I have not done this but she goes off when she thinks of it.

 

Not to do anything but bring us closer and back together. If I follow the NC for 2 weeks it may make her life heck no matter who she is talking to. True?? I know she still cares or she would not even call or come by all the time. Or could I be wrong and she is just wanting to be with someone else and when she cant be with him she comes to me???

[sparkey]

You love her ?

You want her back ?

 

SO you have decided to date other women WHILE you are still married ? IF YOU WANT TO RUIN YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH HER, GO OUT WITH OTHER WOMEN. This is not a 6 month relationship, you two are married, you made a commitment. Now is no time to let your EGO make your decisions. $$$$ is the biggest cause of divorce and mostly because guys become obsessed with it and lose fact of the real important things in life. THe old saying "You have never heard someone say they wished they had worked more" when they are old............

 

Listen buddy, too me it sounds like you are on some kind of powertrip. Your not using NC to help yourself, but to manipulate her. Everyone here seems to be focusing on her doing what her parents want her too do. No ons is focusing on the fact that you treated her like crap, ignored her needs. Basically told her in your actions that MONEY means more to you than SHE DOES! Does the thought of divorce bother you beccause you will lose her or because you might lose some $$$ in the process ? ? ? You said you have all sorts of woman that want you. WTF is that ? You are married so what the hell does that matter unless you think you can use that to play against her.

 

Sorry if I sound a bit TO'd, but YOU are the problem here. Her parents right now are her voice of reason. Because most people know that things and people do not change over a month or so. You said things are better now cause she waits on you, takes care of you? Did you marry her to be your maid ?

 

IF YOU HAD TO CHOOSE HER OR $$$$ WHAT WOULD YOU CHOOSE ?

 

See, her parents know you, they see through all the BS because they are not invested like she is. I think it is unfortunate that she ends up stuck with someone so caught up with themselves...............

[goodoleboy]

For 2 years we were on cloud 9. Then I was caught up in the money thing. I was stressed. Sept 2nd I had a heart attack. She wanted me to spend $$$$$$ on a new home. She begged and I did do it. She didnt cook one meal for our entire marriage until She was caught talking to another man. Then she was a perfect wife for a few months. I cleaned the house for the frist 2 years. She didnt work until she filled for divorce. I know I went into a shell for a few weeks. I was hard on her while she tried to make it right. But the first 2 years we never fought one time. Her mother and dad went through an affair 8 years ago and they to this day are married and living in a manner that is so bad.

 

Ya see, I am not all about money but I am not a big emotional person. I dont show my true feelings alot for her. To be in the company of another women is one thing. But I said from the start I dont want to have sex with any of them. Just the company is fine with me. I dont let them in my car. Dinner, great but we meet where we are eating and then we go separate ways. If this is a bad plan then I wont do it.

 

I am asking and needing advice. I am being honest on my feelings here and things I know I have done. I am looking for the best path to win her back and treat her as she should be treated. Nothing more or nothing less.

[goodoleboy]

New event. I got a call from her and it was marked private. Thought it was my mom. It was her. She let me know we cant do anything tonight nor tomorrow because she has to work. Then she wants to know what I am getting her for her Birthday Sunday. She wants new contacts and her teeth whitened. Also wants 2 or 3 dozen roses. I told her I would see what I could do. Then I was candid with her. I told her that I would do what she wants but then I think it would be good if we give each other space and time. A few weeks or months. She does not want that. She said she enjoys talking to me. I said that we can never find out what we really want or need in life if we dont. She has to go through with the divorce. She cant stay with me at the house. She cant date me. So lets use this time to see whats out there and have fun. She agreed. But then text messaged me and said that she would call me when she gets off work. But I was straight forward and honest. So do I take the calls or stick to a few weeks and not take anycalls that I dont know or that is her????

[sonjam]

I hear what sparkey is saying, and I agree to an extent. You must remember one thing. You are not big on showing emotion, you did not turn into this person in the last 2 months, it has always been like that right? She knew exactly who she married, when she married you, how can sombody expect a person to change, just becouse they don't like the way you are anymore?

 

I never said your actions were fine, we are not focussing on what you did wrong, you did it, it's done. You have to focus on how to fix this, or where to go from here.

 

I still maintain you have to take a breather. If she does not want to give her permission, take action and ignore her. Don't even take the private calls, tell your mum you will not answer the phone, or if you do get a call marked private, don't answer but call your mum to see if it was her.

 

This is not manipulative. It will bring clarity, and closure.

 

This is just my opinion, you might not agree it's up to you.

[goodoleboy]

She called me again and I gave in and took the call. She has to be at work at 6:00 am and wants me to wake her up at 4:15 am. She does not have a alarm clock. she also called me baby. I asked who she was calling baby and she laughed and said habbit.

 

I will take everyones advice on no more contact. The problem is that it is hard. I miss her and love to hear from her. She seems to be nice and gives alot of hope each time. No fighting or anything. We laugh and get along. She wants the roses on Friday and not Sunday for her Bday.

 

But she still tells me we cant do as we want with each other till the divorce is final. Blows my mind.

 

No Contact is what it will be. I know you all tell me and if I dont listen it does no good to ask what to do. I just love her so much and its hard. But I will do it.

[sonjam]

I keep on thinking there's and agenda. Did you get any legal advice of getting a divorce? YOu better look out for your interests my friend. LOVE is a big thing, and feelings do get in the way, but even with the best intentions divorces can get VERY MESSY, and love can all to quickly turn into hate....

[goodoleboy]

There is no agenda on my side. I am just in love. I really do love her.

 

We live in a small town. And this morning I went with a male frined to eat breakfast at a local cafe. She works at the other one in town. A female friend came in and sat down at a table by us. Then She moved over to our table. I went to school for 18 years with her and never dated her. My wife knows about 6 months ago she did the same thing and it was no big deal and knows there is no feelings. But this time she caught wind of with before we could leave the cafe and she went off. So mad you would have thought we got caught in bed. I explained it but she is off the deep end. Being Jealous is one thing but wow.

 

Do I just leave it alone and go on or what???

[sparkey]

I came down on your pretty hard, and regardless of what is "reality" in your situation.

 

BE AWARE of the wolf in sheeps clothing!!!!!

 

 

By that, I mean she might be playing all nicey nice with you, hang with you, be suddenly loving and attentive and then you get blind sided by a nasty divorce and lose a whole lot of everything.

 

SO beware. She could be playing you so that she can suck everything she can from you. ALWAYS BE WARY OF PEOPLE THAT CHANGE SUDDENLY!!!!

[goodoleboy]

The divorce is in the second phase. First hearing is now over. And that is when she started being nice. But she is back and forth. She acts like her life is so bad now. Working is long and no pay for her. She goes on about that. But my god she went off over the fact of a female talking to me. It blew my mind. If one wants a divorce do they call and want gifts for their birth day and want the other to buy things and do things for them. And get mad over another girl talking to them. I mean if I was wanting a divorce I would hope the other party moves on. I guess that is just me. But it sure seems strange that she feels so attached to me now or wants me to be alone.

 

I am just confused on what to do next. I have to live my life, but she gives me a false sense of hope everytime. Please help, anyone on what to do next.

[goodoleboy]

Well heck, I dont know what the deal is but here we go. She called me again. She was upset about a lady that has known me for 30 years and went to school all my life with me having a simple cup of coffee. Now she didnt ride with me there nor leave with me. Buttt.... She cussed me, screamed at me, and just plum went off major. She said she wont come back over, wont go to Dallas nor go to Cobo San Lucas in Mexico for vaction in March nor go to the Nascar Races. this about par. I told the truth and boommmm. I was told from eveyone and all books to date others. Not sex but date. I didnt even date this one and wowweeee.

 

could this just be jealousy and like kids do, want something they have lost or just cant have??

[sonjam]

You should really not be taking her calls right now. She's putting you on an emotional roaller coaster. Remember, SHE wanted this divorce. She has to deal with it now.

 

You REALLY should keep NC, and CARRY on with your life, don't let her rants and raves stop you from living YOUR life. WITHOUT her input in it. YOU shoul not be planning stuff with her anymore.

 

I KNOW you love her, but she is breaking your spirit. Give both of you some room to get over it, by not breaking contact you can't do this. I know she doesn't want to leave you alone, but this will have to come from your side.

 

 

You keep asking for advice. This is good advice. Take it.

[goodoleboy]

Your right. I guess I was looking for some type of magical thing to do. Looking for an answer that sounds better than not seeing or talking to her. I got our cell phone bill in. She has been talking to another man she calls a frined since new years and this has been a multiple times per day every day event. Whats sad is that is is a real low life. He was in jail in October of 2004 for drugs. He is know to be a dope head in town and she is drawn to that type for some reason. Oh well, NC it is. Thanks so much.

[goodoleboy]

She caught me in the mall this afternoon. The phone calls were to this guy due to them being frineds for years. Somehow it is somewhat the truth I think. Never know. but she again is being real sweet and kind. I didnt pay for her lunch this time nor the things whe bought at the mall. she had $4 left after she got through. I have the money to shop but never mentioned anything of what I have or dont have. She kissed me 3 times in about an hour. I didnt pull back but was not into it. She mentioned other girls and me about 5 times. it upsets her to think of it. She seems to becoming around more and more but I just act indeferent. I am going to be gone for the weekend so NC is not a problem. LOL But she wants to come over Monday and eat lunch and do the sex thing but I dont know now if it is a good thing or not. Anyway... I know you all tell me NC and I have went against the advice but God knows I try. It sometimes is so darn hard.

[Hope75]

make her live the consequences of her actions. don't let her come over, don't kiss her, don't have sex with her. she is telling you she can't come over till you have a divorce but she wants to come over monday???

 

NC, NC, NC.

[goodoleboy]

Hmmm, well here is an update. I had a date to go to the casino in Shreveport LA. To spend the night. I backed out. I just couldnt do it. I am the type in the past if I sleep with another women then I move on and never look back at a relationship I am in. So I backed out on the plans to go out.

 

A buddy of mine called my wife. I didnt know it. Then he had her come over to his house. I was in the Den watching TV. Well, shock me when she walked in. We talked (all three of us for 2 hours). It made a huge difference. Her feelings came out. My issues on changes I have been making came out. Not complete on the changes yet and I brought that up. She called me when she got to her moms. She said she would call on her way to work in the moring. Then call and come over to rest after work and we are going to dinner and to the movies. Sunday is her birthday and she is coming over after work and going to have a party and watch the super bowl together with our friends.

 

I think she wants to come back but is worried I have not changed. I told her that I have not fully changed and it may take days, weeks or months but I wont lie to her until I am serious on my changes.

 

I hope I am not messing up. And thank you all for lending me a ear through all of this and I will owe you all alot for just being on this forum and letting me know people do care and people are there for each other. I will never leave this forum. I owe all of yall alot.