Can you genuinely better yourself when you still have hope?

[cmpatable]

I am having a really tough time separating the things I want to do for myself and the things that are driven by hope of reconciliation. The catch is that I'm always aware that most of the things I could do to better myself are the things that would put me in a potentially better position, regardless of how slim the chances are. With being aware of it I don't understand separating the two ideas.

 

I would guess the answer would be to stop caring, but that seems like an on/off switch I am not able to flick.

[melancholy123]

Could you elaborate a bit? I'm having trouble trying to figure out what it is you are asking about.

[Kadbanoo]

Speaking for myself, you absolutely can better yourself while hoping for a reconciliation. There is nothing wrong with having hope - I hate the term "false hope" because it implies hoping for something that is impossible (like me being president or on the cover of Vogue, for example).... but with life and love, we NEVER know what will happen so there is nothing wrong with wishing. Be open to your ex, but be open to new opportunities as well. The key is to not put yourself on hold... keep living your life, take care of yourself, see your friends and work on whatever issues contributed to your role in the break up. If you reconcile in the future, you will be ready to start a new relationship with your ex, if you don't, then you will be off to a good start with a new partner.

[cmpatable]

Sorry if it was unclear..

 

I am in the process of trying to make personal developments/changes that caused a relationship of 2 years to fail. I know in order to truly make change, the changes have to be self driven without the intention of getting back with my ex.

 

The problem is whenever I try to make any change/life decision at all there is always an underlining hope in me driving part of it. I think as long as I care for my ex I'll always be partially aware of the choices I am making and their potential outcomes. Caring for her is not something I can control, letting go of her is.

 

Can I healthily move forward and improve myself with this hope? If not, how am I supposed to get rid of it?

[melancholy123]

I think we all should do whatever it takes to improve ourselves in any way possible. We can't sit on the sidelines and stagnate just because it takes effort to change and grow. We do it for us, not for someone else. Work on your issues and problems, make yourself a better person, dont do or not do something because of your ex. Ultimately the one you have to please is yourself.

[catfeeder]

I have always exploited hope in my own favor, and I'd recommend milking it for all its worth. If it lands you a fabulous physique, new friends, new interests, good therapy sessions, a promotion, or an A in your most challenging classes, you still get a win regardless of whether it eventually needs to come with some dis-illusionment down the road, or not.

 

Grief happens in stages and healing is a process. You get to be in charge of that process. Use whatever works for you, and if someone fingerwags you with 'shoulds' or 'should nots' you can consider whether they have a point that's of any value to you--and you can consider whether such a suggestion is even feasible for you.

 

If not, then skip it, and do what works for YOU.

 

Head high.

[FirstIn]

I think it's natural to think about how your ex would like the new you. You said you can't control caring about her, but you can control letting go? Unfortunately, you can't control that either. Sorry to say, but hope will stick around for a long time. Everybody says it's the last thing to die. I still have hope she will come back somehow even though it's extremely unlikely. When I brought up lingering hope to a professional. She said a few important things to me which I hope will help you.

 

1) You don't really get over the last one until you meet the next one. So expect to always have that little bit of hope. It's natural.

 

2) Ok you hope she will come back. Ok, now tell me, if she comes back. Will she come back in a way that meets your values.... i.e. someone that wouldn't leave, communicative, open, etc? Probably not right, so why do you hope that she will come back. For round 3?

 

Ok, so let's say you weren't perfect. She left. There is a part of you that has self respect and no matter what you needed to improve, this person left you - let's say at your lowest. At some level, you have to say to yourself that even if she did come back, she greatly disrespected you by walking out on you, instead of sticking by you and encouraging you to improve your faults. Also, I've read a little through your threads. Don't get too stuck on the insecure part. As soon as someone mentions their ex saying they were insecure or jealous, a bunch of people will jump in and tell them that they have a problem and it's all their fault. Sometimes it's quite normal to be insecure about certain situations. Don't blame yourself. People don't just leave because you got a little insecure about some new guy. It's more often than not, just an excuse to get out. I personally think the term "insecure" gets thrown around too much these days and is often a word people in the wrong use to manipulate the other person into feeling guilty for being uncomfortable with something that is against their values.

 

Try to make sure the next girl is a bit more in line with your values when it comes to those things. My ex thought there was nothing wrong with having dinner with an ex boyfriend who she wouldn't want me to meet. Totally against my values and made me very insecure! I have a female friend who would never have dinner alone with me because she wouldn't want to disrespect her boyfriend and neither would I. Get the picture? Your girlfriend shouldn't want to make you feel insecure and for your relationship to be successful, should share similar views on these things. So, think about what you are trying to improve. Don't try and force yourself to change your values just because. That's just something to think over. What are you trying to improve exactly?

 

Going back to your original question. You can't help it. Every step you try to back to better yourself will be in part a means to better yourself for your ex. I have got to say, I have been going to the gym a lot since the breakup and I often get motivated by the look on her face when she sees me one day. However, I also get motivated by the potential girl that might notice me as well. I also once booked a round the world trip just to show my old ex that I wasn't boring! After a week I was ready to come home. But then I realised I that I wanted to continue for me.

 

So don't worry too much. Just keep doing it for yourself, perhaps a little bit for the ex, and a little bit for the next girl. In the end you have no control over any of it, but either way use it as means to improve yourself for you.