Rebel-D Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 Nothing new to this story. Been in a relationship for 6 years to a guy who has always come accross one of the good ones. He's never been in to sex and always seemed really shy. I knew he liked porn and thought that was the reason for the lack of sex. He hadn't had much experience and thought that was why he was shy. I put up with it but was getting nearer a big chat about our future as it wasn't suiting me. Today I snooped. Once, before we got together he said something in chat that made me think he was having a sexy chat with someone. I figured it was before us and he loved me so it would have ended. I was wrong and I've found out he's been sexy chatting with her all this time. And day to day chat. He talks nice about me but also mentions how he thinks of her when he's with me. On chat was when he was in the same room as me. My advice to someone in this situation would be to leave. I don't trust easily and I trusted him more than anyone. But should I try to save it and if so, how? Do I admit I have snooped? Or just have the chat and hope if things get better he will stop with her? It makes me so angry I have put up with 6 years of crap sex and what has become a friendship. Everything else in our lives together is good. We own a house but no kids. Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 ""My advice to someone in this situation would be to leave. I don't trust easily and I trusted him more than anyone. But should I try to save it and if so, how? Do I admit I have snooped? Or just have the chat and hope if things get better he will stop with her? It makes me so angry I have put up with 6 years of crap sex and what has become a friendship. Everything else in our lives together is good. We own a house but no kids. "" You need consider the fact that he hasn't been honest with you since the beginning and he has continued this cyber relationship the entire time you two have been together. You say your life together is good . .As what exactly, roommates? Don't you want more than this? I know making a decision such as this is difficult but aspire for more. How about a guy who is madly in love with you and finds you to be more than enough? One you can trust. Link to comment
Rebel-D Posted June 30, 2015 Author Share Posted June 30, 2015 I won't trust again. My thoughts are as yours. Do I just tell him I have snooped and what I've found out and say it's the end? How the heck do I leave? I have nowhere to go even for a short time. I wish I had tried harder to make our sex life better years ago. Link to comment
mhowe Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 Since you are roommates now...start preparing to move. Save money and get an apartment. There isn't any hurry. Nothing has changed except you have exposed his lies. Link to comment
JustWishing Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 I would end it. You already spent 6 years in a relationship in which you were obviously betrayed the whole time. You don't even have to tell him how you found out. It's the fact that you found out. If he admits to think of another woman while he is with you, that shows his commitment to you. Do you want to waste another 6 years of your life on someone who is not 100% committed to you. What it all comes down to in the end is that your trust to him is broken. When there is no trust, there is no relationship. Link to comment
Rebel-D Posted June 30, 2015 Author Share Posted June 30, 2015 Without even talking to him?! Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 I have nowhere to go even for a short time. No family or friends? No community at all? An option while you figure out what you want to do, if you need some space away from him, would be to take a mini staycation at a hotel or a mini road trip. You don't have to tell him you know - you can tell him you just need time to yourself. And think this through, come up with your game plan. Talk to your people. Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 I won't trust again. My thoughts are as yours. Do I just tell him I have snooped and what I've found out and say it's the end? How the heck do I leave? I have nowhere to go even for a short time. I wish I had tried harder to make our sex life better years ago. Making your sex life better is a joint effort. . he's giving it to someone else. Your comment suggests you blame yourself for this. .don't! Get your affairs in order and tell him what you know. Doesn't matter how you found out. One thing doesn't negate the other. Link to comment
Rebel-D Posted June 30, 2015 Author Share Posted June 30, 2015 I feel sick. I don't know if I can do this. Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 You can do this. I'm so sorry you are going through this. It must be quite the shock. Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 I feel sick. I don't know if I can do this. It probably feels insurmountable right now. But let me ask you this: Can you continue the way it is? Link to comment
Rebel-D Posted June 30, 2015 Author Share Posted June 30, 2015 I can't but I thought we could work things out. Link to comment
ParisPaulette Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 I'm sorry, but we're not talking at the beginning of the relationship when you could have had "the talk" and maybe he'd have made a choice. We're talking about six years of a dual existence in which he chooses to be with you physically and her emotionally. Unfortunately it sounds almost like he's been loving the one he's with if he can't be with the one he loves. And it definitely explains his low sex drive. I can't help but ask who pays most of the bills or what other motive he might have had for keeping this charade up? Where exactly does she live and why doesn't he just go be with her if that's what he wants? And it does sound like it is. I'm sorry, but no. You can hope until the cows come home, but he's not going to stop now if he hasn't stopped in six years of letting you believe he was faithful and in love with you. Sorry. It's time to confront him and tell him...whatever it is you want to. You can choose to stay with him, but I don't think it's worth it given you have no sex life and the level of deception. I mean, that level of deception? And it's not fair of you to have to be with someone who is taking his sexy feelings elsewhere either. I think you know what the answer to all of this is and no one is likely to urge you to stay with someone who's been cheating on you since the beginning. I can't help but wonder why he's been using you like that, but using you he has. I'm sorry, it sucks, but if you don't want him siphoning off the rest of your youth and vitality I'd say it's time to let him go, heal and move on, and find someone faithful who wants it all with you including a good sex life. Link to comment
Rebel-D Posted June 30, 2015 Author Share Posted June 30, 2015 He is sorry and doesn't know why he did it. He loves me and would drop her and the porn for me. He hates that he hurt me (and I know that is true). She is abroad, married and looks like a porn star. She said she had feelings for him but he told her he loved me. He told her she was a friend. He said he struggles talking about sex but can do it onlineHe thinks we are over and I will let him think that. Link to comment
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