Will he get over......

[sassysarah]

My bf recently got divorced a few months ago, as we've only been seeing each other for about a month. the probleum is, his ex wife cheated on him, he walked in on it, and i know it just tore him up inside. We've talked extensivley on the subject, and he swears up and down that hes glad that it happened, that to be quite honast, he never really loved her, he basically married her because she was loyal to him, and he felt that she would never hurt him, like hes been hurt in the past. My whole thing is, i believe him that he never loved her, i even believe him that hes glad it happened and its over, but he had to have married her for a damn good reason, since its only been a few months i know hes not over it, and i dont expect him to be. this has created trust issues between us, but i dont want to pay for her mistakes. they have a child together, so of course they have to see each other and speak and remain civil, but my whole thing is, why am i the one that has to pay for her mistakes, of course their relationship is over because of it, but she obviously dosnt know how much it really hurt him, and i think she should, i really dont want to get in the middle of it, but its kinda late for that i suppose. i just want him to see that i truly love him, and would go to the end of the earth and back for him, and that he can trust me, i could never look into those eyes of his and hurt him, i would hurt myself too much. I have told him this, several times, and i know hes starting to let his guard down, im just afriad that se scored him too much for him to truly love again, never mind trust again. what do i do........

[lady00]

I think the only thing you can do is exactly what you're already doing. You entered a tough situation but you just need to continue to reassure him, treat him well and give him time. It's amazing how much we can get over some very traumatic things over the course of time. Have you asked him if he needs space? I say, just give him time and if he needs space to work though the pain himself (since being with someone new is never going to solve that by itself, he also needs to heal and be comfortable with himself) then give it to him. You seem to care about him a lot and it sounds like he gets that. So just keep doing what you're doing and try not to worry about it too much. The longer he is with you, the more he will see that you're trustworthy and really care for him. But don't hold yourself responsible for him getting over his ex, he has to do that himself. You can help by being a positive influence and keeping his trust but don't feel that it's your job to make him a trusting person again or to make him feel better, that's ultimately up to him.

[GaveTooMuch]

I would be very careul if I were you. You sound to be falling pretty fast for this guy who has just recently broken up with his wife. You might be settign yourself up for a very big disappointment as you have already said yourself that you would travel to the ends of earth and back for this man. Are you really sure that he would do the same for you?

 

From what you said he has not yet healed from his break up. I'm sure you can't deny that as you already feel like you're getting blamed for what his wife did. Honestly I think you should take a step back and let him deal with his issues and heal himself before you two just into another serious relationship. He could possibly just be on the rebound and your just there to help pass the time and supress the pain. Basically I think you should be careful.

[DN]

I agree with ladyOO. Emotional wounds are similar in many ways to physical wounds, it takes time to heal and to recover equilibrium. A year ago I cut my hand to the bone with a sharp knife (yeah, I know, dumb, I should have listened to my mother about sharp objects). It took a while before I was comfortable handling sharp knives.

 

The point of that somewhat banal story, is that he was hurt by his partner, a woman, just as I was hurt by a knife. It's going to take a while for that trauma to get processed and put into proportion in his head and know that he can trust women again.

 

He will do that in time with your loving help. Just trust him and yourself that you can get through it together

[cooldude1234]

I highly doubt this guy is truly glad that he got cheated on and that he walked in on his wife cheating.

 

He may say this, but realistically, I think he's trying to get himself to believe that he is glad it happened. However I do think he's glad it's over.

 

Same thing with the not ever loving her. I think this is another method to lessen the pain he is feeling.

 

If it's only been a few months, he is obviously still hurting from this experience.

 

I would try to guard yourself a little more than you have, because you might end up being hurt.

 

He still has MUCH to figure out in his life and this is going to be a major transitional period for him.

[Sophia_Jane]

I dont want to burst your bubble. But I am just splitting up with my boyfriend of four years. He split up with his ex who cheatedon him and he caught them at it to. He started saying that it cut him up bad at the time but he is glad he found out now. I always thought he would never cheat on me as he knwos how it feels... But because he buried is feelings probably and jumped into a serious relationship with me he did cheat and things have just gone down hill. I am dealing with a broken heart.

 

I dont see how you can be with someone who has just split up with his wife and be sooo deep in to this already.. I really would give this space and take it wayyyy slower!!!

[sassysarah]

Well thanks guys for ur replies, its great to hear some kind of advice, i really love this guy, and i will do anything to have it work out. i really believe that he is a wonderful man who has been hurt many times, as have i, i confided in him that i was worried that he is on the rebound, and that it will be awhile until he ok to trust me, and i understood that. he was so happy. he told me he loves me adn that hes so glad he met someone who was so understanding and willing to give it their all, so im just going to keep doing what i have been, and if he does hurt me, well, thats life, it will hurt, but i am a strong person.

[miss_dyme]

I dont mean to rain on the parade either but...

I was kinda involved with a guy who was cheated on.

 

I cared for this guy so much ,wanted for him to open his heart again ..u could say i wanted to save him ,for him to feel that he deserved to be treated with love and respect and to have something real..I wanted to be the one to give him that..id had him in my life over 3 years...

 

Yep it kinda worked for a while he recipocated my feelings told me he loved me too ,he KNEW i was the 'one'.. then hed back off a bit an i just put it down to him being scared (the trust thing) thought ,hey id give it time...

 

Things have gon pear shaped now, and i realise he has never really healed from his ex cheating on him ..in fact i am paying for her mistakes ...

 

I know people handle things diffrently and every one situation isnt the same but given uve only known him a month be careful getting urself too involved right now...He has to heal himself ,if he doesnt and he jumps straight into something brand new ,i really believe he unresolved isues will catch up with him eventually no matter how hard he tries to convince himself 'HES GLAD'...And it will effect ur relationship with him.

 

Just going from my own experience ,please dont take any offence to it.

 

bestwishes x