So this guy was hitting on my gf...now ex

[zup]

So yea 25 years old, been with my girl for a year and 10 months. She's 22. Everything was cool. This was the first relationship for the both of us. We had some bumps here and there but we had a good relationship, and I thought we loved each other very much. For 3-4 months at the end of our relationship, one of her coworkers started befriending her and probably hit on her, but she didn't say anything about hitting on her. A few of my friends knew this guy. So I figured he was an ok guy, and I met him a few times.

 

So this one time after work, she called me and said they were going to see this movie and asked if I wanted to go. Originally, I thought that I would be able to spend the evening with her alone, but we never specifically said that, but I assumed. Well I got jealous and chose not to go with her cuz I was mad that she made plans including this guy and not just with me.

 

Afterwards, I asked her about that, and she said they're just friends and then she said, "Ok I won't hang out with him anymore." But of course I said nah I said "that's not necessary and just wanted to make sure nothing was going on."

 

They started spending a lot of time together, but never when it coincided with my time with her. Guy would text message her, talk on AIM, and call her a lot. Even bought a video game so they could play together. So yea eventually I found "iluv'mygf's name'" on her buddy list so I questioned her about it. It was that guy. But she said it was just for fun and a joke. Our relationship was still good, but I did not spend as much time with her as this guy. He would text message her while driving on the road at like stops. And I bet he tried to visit her all the time.

 

One day at my gf's place, I found his aim name linked to her name, when my name wasn't even linked. I didn't even know what linking was back then so I didn't really think anything of it. I just noticed it.

 

My gf still text messaged me and called me so I thought everything was good, but then came the final straw I guess.

 

We were supposed to meet up on Saturday after her work ends at 7, but she usually gets out late so I figured I'd go spend the day at my friend's house until she called. She eventually calls me and asks if I'm busy. I said I was at my friend's house but could leave right away. She told me not to come and it was ok. So I let it go. I think she thought I forgot about her.

 

4 days later we broke up. Just said, "She was interested in someone."

 

I didn't even have to ask. I knew who it was.

 

Then I talked to my ex's friend. She said my ex had started developing feelings for this guy since a month ago, and was annoyed that she felt she was forcing me to drive up to see her. See, she could never visit me becuz I lived with my parents and the fact they didn't know about our relationship. Her parents didn't know about me either, but at least she had a private place for us to be alone. So I'd have to drive up there all the time. Yea I have this little attitude problem where I act like I'm not too happy to do something, but I either am or indifferent. But I was always happy to go drive up and see her it's just sometimes I didn't act that way. I saw her like 1-2 times a week then and talked to her online or phone the other days. But yea for our entire relationship (1 year and 10 months) I drove up 1-2 times a week to see her. I thought that was pretty good. Well her friend said that my ex said, "This other guy had to drive a lot farther to be with her than me so she used that as a comparison and she also said that guy was always happy to do it."

 

Another reason I thought was maybe she got bored of me since I always wanted to eat around her area cuz I was too tired to drive around and it was cheaper. My ex never offered to drive. But of course this other guy would drive her everywhere and go to a little nicer restaurants.

 

This guy didn't exactly have a clean record. He's had a previous record of hitting on other people's girlfriends. I don't know if my ex knew that or not.

 

Another problem I'm guessing was attention. I know how important communication is in a relationship but she never told me in person that I wasn't paying attention to her. She told me a few times on AIM, but that's not in person. My attention was drifting off a little 'because of the following paragraph,' it was definitely less than before, but I wish she would have just told me in person. Of course she got all the attention she wanted from this guy.

 

Oh and I thought that by signing up for a family cellular plan for 1 year at the end of November it would be a greater sign of commitment. I figured that maybe I could spend less time with my gf and do other things in my life. Boy was I wrong.

 

Switch over to now....

1 month later and 3 weeks of NC....

I know my story was confusing with all that jumping around. Please ask if you need me to clear up anything. My question was yes most of the signs were all there that this guy was making a move on her. Some of the information I'm reporting, I didn't really find out until after she left me. Should I have done anything? Should I have spent more time with her? Gave her more attention? Told this guy to back off? I trusted her, but I dunno. There was probably nothing I could do. I didn't even know why she left me....until my ex's friend told me. I mean this was her first relationship so maybe she wasn't sure what she wanted. So here was this new guy. Why not see what he's like huh?Comments? Questions?

[ForAnother]

I understood your story very well. I am sorry to hear this happen... made me upset to read cuz I knew where it was going obviously.

 

What could you have done?

- Pay more attention to her...

- that is it... the most you could have done

 

I think that it was inevitable you two were losing one another, and this guy helped her realize what she really wanted from a relationship. I think you know that that is the right answer, and you know what, your a good man for how you are reacting.

 

I think you know the answers to all your questions/problems, just you want some confirmation. I think you know best what is necessary, and I think that you know that she and you were just learning how this whole "dating" thing works. Just let her be a love, remain NC (for a long time, 1 year, 2 years) and enjoy the single life until another girl comes and steals that freedom away.

 

ForAnother

[hockeyboy]

why were you hiding your relationship from your families?

[zup]

Well she had the typical asian parents who wanted her to study 24/7. That was the facade she kept up with her parents. It's so bad that when we were together and watching TV, she had to turn off the TV before picking up the phone so her mom would think she's studying. So a bf in her life was a definite no-no. I'm guessing that her parents probably don't know about this new guy. Yes and she's 22.

 

It was extremely hard to open her up even before we became bf/gf. The first time I met her was with a friend. They came by to see my place. My ex was there, but we didn't say anything. So I found my ex's aim name, and we started talking online a lot. Soon we talked hours everyday. I talked to her online for 6 months, before I even got her a phone #. LOL and she still wouldn't let me call. I could only send text messages. I don't know why I was so motivated to be with her, but I really felt that we connected well online so I wanted a chance to meet her again. Obviously she's a very shy person so you could guess we had some communication issues during the relationship. Ok enough digressing....

 

I didn't tell my parents because it was my first relationship, and I never talk to my parents about that stuff. So I didn't know where to start. I was afraid my parents would want to meet her if I told them. She wasn't ready to meet my parents and vice versa.

 

We just weren't ready to tell. I knew that eventually we'd have to. So we just kept dragging it.

 

Funny how once we broke up, I told my parents. Of course at that point, there really wasn't much to talk about, but I felt better for getting it out of my system.

[zup]

To summarize: She basically left me for another guy. I tried to get her back for 1 week then immediately went no contact. During that time, her bday, Val day, and our exanniversary pass.

 

1 month and 2 weeks pass of no contact...

 

During that time of no contact, I talked to her best friend. I told her best friend, "I was moving on." But her best friend wasn't making it any easier to move on so I did no contact with her either.

 

At 12:30 AM today my ex messages me on AIM with

 

"hey i dunno if you feel ready to talk to me yet, but I just wanted to say hi

 

It's 3:30 AM right now. I didn't look at the message until 3:20 AM because I never accepted it. I figured it was just a hi or something.

 

I'm not going to look into it too much, cuz she's probably still with that guy so I don't really care or want to care. But there's a couple things I want to establish.

 

How can I casually show I'm doing ok...not holding a grudge....but at the same time not really care cuz she's still with that guy?

[rickcarlisle]

How can I casually show I'm doing ok...not holding a grudge....but at the same time not really care cuz she's still with that guy?

 

Dude, I'm sorry man. I know that has to hurt. Keep in mind that she is young and doesn't know what a real relationship is. She's going to have to learn through experience. The best thing you can do is NC (no contact). NC let's you get over her emotionally, while keeping your pride intact. I know it's harder said than done, but it's truly the best thing to do in this situation. I'm in the middle of NC right now. But because of NC, the sun shines a little brighter every day.

[Iceman26]

 

Should I have done anything? Should I have spent more time with her? Gave her more attention? Told this guy to back off? I trusted her, but I dunno. There was probably nothing I could do. I didn't even know why she left me....until my ex's friend told me. I mean this was her first relationship so maybe she wasn't sure what she wanted. So here was this new guy. Why not see what he's like huh?Comments? Questions?

 

1) There is probably nothing you could have done. Face it, if she wanted to make the relationship work, she would have communicated with you more. She should have had the good sense to know this guy was only her friend to get in her pants, because thats what he was doing. You should have told her you werent cool with her hanging out with this guy.

 

2) I wouldnt have told the guy to back off unless he was a friend of yours. He can only pay attention to her and spend time with her because she allows it to happen. The only time you tell a guy to back off is when you are married to the woman.

 

3) Another mistake was trusting a girl who acted the way she did. Learn from that mistake.

 

4) I get tired of telling people this, but perhaps you'll listen. She cheated on you bro. She betrayed you and dumped you. Why even be friends with someone like that. You wouldnt ever be able to trust her again anyways. Spend what time you need recovering from this situation and move on to someone who will treat you with more respect. Learn from the mistakes you made in this past relationships and use those mistakes to improve yourself.

[Bjourne]

Judging from your story it seems you have taken it very cool. Thats good, but almost too cool. Because what happened to you is what I believe every guy is afraid will happen to them. Maybe that indicates that your feelings for her also dropped in the final months of the relationship?

 

And yeah, you showed her to little affection, unless you can explain it with a very busy working life. The other guy seem to have been obviously playing her. And they say men doesn't play games. There is a line somewhere that a girlfriend and an other male friend cannot pass without setting the alarm off. I don't know where that line is, but I believe they did it. Your ex may or may not have known about it though.

 

But I don't think you could have done anything about it, sorry.