Advice please - very down weekend.

[Heartbrok3n445]

Haven't had the best weekend. I was at work just working away and focusing on what I was doing when I just suddenly felt sad and like I wanted to burst into tears. I almost did but I held myself together. It was almost out of no where.

 

Then the rest of the weekend I've just been feeling down. I've made progress - I don't want my ex back anymore, I have got to the stage where I know I would never take him back. So why do I still feel SO down sometimes!?

 

When does this stop? He has moved on and seems to be having a great time. He seems to be really happy and I think for him, breaking up with me was probably the best thing to happen for him because he seems much happier.

 

When will that happen for me? I know no one knows. But really, I should be the one who feels like breaking up was the best thing to ever happen yet I just feel numb.

 

I don't hope for anything anymore, I have no hope for my situation with my ex. I've accepted it's over and that he's moved on. Maybe that's why I'm feeling like this because I'm finally accepting that it's over forever? I don't know.

 

All I want to do is just cry.

[rich46]

I don't hope for anything anymore, I have no hope for my situation with my ex. I've accepted it's over and that he's moved on. Maybe that's why I'm feeling like this because I'm finally accepting that it's over forever? I don't know.

Yeah maybe realisation is kicking in.

 

Whatever the reason for your sudden sadness, it is totally normal. But I'll bet that when you emerge from this little period, you will feel a level above what you did prior to it's occurrence.

 

I had the same last Monday and Tuesday, and I am further down the line of NC than you. It happens. I woke up in the middle of the night on Monday night and actually cried, which is a rarity for me. I suddenly snapped out of it on Wednesday lunchtime after a great class at school with some fun children, and I have felt really great ever since, like the best I have in the last approaching 3 months.

 

One little trick I have been doing recently has been to literally tell myself "future" or "forward" whenever the ex comes into my mind. I do it every single time. I figure I have gone through the dwelling and reflecting phases, and time to look to my "future" and to look "forward" now.

 

There will be setbacks, when the healing actually takes place, and you have to go through them to get better. Be patient. And you seriously need to stop comparing your recovery to that of your ex, which is a common theme in your posts. Irrelevant. Force yourself to focus on YOU from now on.

 

Take care.

[Heartbrok3n445]

Thanks Rich, I'm glad to hear your at the stage your at now, even with some set backs last week.

 

I've reflected a lot. I've started to realise a lot of the things wrong with the relationship and things I overlooked. I think I was slowly knocked down by my ex over the course of our relationship and I think my self worth and value for myself got lost.

 

I think that's why I'm so deeply hurt. He has made me feel completely worthless and as though I wasn't good enough for him even though in reality HE wasn't good enough for ME.

 

I used to be such a happy, confident, positive girl and I'm slowly (very slowly) getting that back and I didn't realise how low I had sunk in the relationship until now.

 

I just feel so deeply hurt right now by everything. Hopefully I will start to feel great like you did Rich!

[rich46]

Well I am not out of the woods just yet...expecting a setback around the corner! And in no way am I ready to start dating yet, and probably won't be until 2016. But I have learned that break ups are a great opportunity to step back and reevaluate yourself, and it sounds like you are doing just that.

 

You will return to the happy, confident, positive girl...in fact, it will be an improved version for going through this difficult time. You will be stronger than before, and a lot wiser! And you have made so much progress since your initial posts a month or more ago.

[ajhurst210]

First, I'm extremely sorry you're having to feel this way. It's very hard.

 

Almost everything you said I can relate to. I went the first two weeks of my break-up crying randomly, at work, at home, around friends/family. One thing I can tell you, is that if you feel like crying... cry. Don't fight it. For a lot of people it really helps. It's completely natural to feel down... And there's no set time limit on how long you're supposed to take to feel better. I'd like to think that the bigger your heart is, the more time it needs to heal

 

During this healing time you're gonna feel some terrible low lows that no person should have to feel. Some days are going to be easy, some not so easy... and some are going to be down right hell... But it's part of the healing process. Soon the pain will lessen. Little by little each day you'll move on and eventually time will dilute it all and you can be yourself again.

 

One of the hardest parts for me, the part that I keep letting break me down is what you described about your ex moving on, being so happy, feeling like breaking up for them was the best decision they could've ever made. It's very demoralizing and really plays upon your self esteem to know you're having such a hard time and they're not. It seems unfair.

 

All I can offer you for advice for that, considering I'm still struggling with it myself... Is to condition yourself to not care so much about what they're feeling or thinking. Make a list of all the reasons the break up was a good thing for YOU... and all the reasons why the relationship didn't work out. Make this list every day, read it out loud if you have to. The key is to find all the positive aspects about this break-up... And I know it can be difficult... But maybe make a list of all the things you like about yourself aswell.

 

The purpose of this is to break yourself free from the idea that you need this person to be happy and that they are what defines you. Because they're not. And there IS a future for you beyond them with someone else.

 

I wish I could tell you you're going to wake up one day and have moved on completely... But it's a slow process to heal from a broken heart. You can help speed it up by focusing on yourself though and surrounding yourself with people who care about you and make you feel good and loved.

 

Try and stay positive and definitely talk about it as much as you can. You're going to get through this and be happy again. I promise you.

[YouCanDeleteThisAccount]

One little trick I have been doing recently has been to literally tell myself "future" or "forward" whenever the ex comes into my mind. I do it every single time. I figure I have gone through the dwelling and reflecting phases, and time to look to my "future" and to look "forward" now.

 

This is good advice. I had seen an article last year regarding how to stop dwelling on an ex, and psychologically it is helpful to give yourself a word like "Cancel", or as rich46 suggests "forward", to re-trigger your mind to stop thinking down that same path and start thinking of new ones. There are also articles regarding neural networks inside your brain that you need to deactivate as you physically create new ones with new thought patterns. Your body will eventually start tiring of these memories, but you do have to work through them, and you will start creating new thought patterns that will stop leading you towards the memory of the breakup. Ultimately, it comes down to, "You'll be just fine with enough time", which was never a helpful comment to hear, but it did help to know why I would be.

 

Let yourself purge out your emotions, so you don't harbor them in. Accept that you have them, and don't rush yourself to move past them if you can't.

[toolovehim]

even with some set backs last week.

 

I've reflected a lot. I've started to realise a lot of the things wrong with the relationship and things I overlooked. I think I was slowly knocked down by my ex over the course of our relationship and I think my self worth and value for myself got lost.

 

I think that's why I'm so deeply hurt. He has made me feel completely worthless and as though I wasn't good enough for him even though in reality HE wasn't good enough for ME.

 

I used to be such a happy, confident, positive girl and I'm slowly (very slowly) getting that back and I didn't realise how low I had sunk in the relationship until now.

 

I just feel so deeply hurt right now by everything. Hopefully I will start to feel great !

 

I came cross a thread, the woman wrote: I made his life better, he made mine worse.

It is just like what you feel right now and it is enough reason to forget him. The post break-up comes like waves, but you will make it through.

 

Another woman wrote: You were happy before he showed up and you will be happy again.

As long as the person or the relationship doesn't make you happy, it is the sure sign to let it go and don't go back.

[Heartbrok3n445]

Appreciate all the advice everyone!

 

Unfortunately still in my funk Why can't I see what everyone else sees!? I know I'm better off yet my heart just aches.

 

I feel so pathetic

 

But on a positive note.... still NC although I must say I've been tempted but have still stuck to it!

[Lysflower]

You are not pathetic at all. Weekends can be really daunting, especially the first few weeks after the break-up if you have not managed to make plans with friends or family.

 

I used to wake up really early and feeling like a pile of s*** on Sunday mornings. What helped was to let myself cry until exhaustion and then go for a walk in my neighborhood in half empty streets. I would try and take comfort from the gentle breeze on my cheeks, the warmth of the sun on my face, the sound of birds singing; and would then grab my favorite coffee as a treat on my way back home. It can help to focus for a moment on the little pleasures that our five senses can bring.

 

Another good piece of advice in this thread is that you should not care about what your ex is doing or how he is doing. I know it's easier said than done but there are ways to prevent yourself from following your ex's trail. If you found out he is doing well on facebook, take a break from social apps for as long as required. If you found out what he is doing from mutual friends, tell them you don't want to hear anything about him. It does not matter if your ex feels (or pretends to feel) fantastic or is a basket case, because hearing about him will make your mind race and overanalyze his state of mind anyways.

 

I met with our mutual friend 3 weeks after the break-up and she told me how sad and what a mess my ex was shortly after the BU. She thought it would bring me comfort to know that it was difficult for her as well and that our RS meant a lot to her, even though she ended it. My friend had good intentions but it left me quite upset for a good three days. Just as much as it would have upset me to find out she was having the best time of her life without me. My point is, anything you will hear about him, either good or bad, will upset you. Stay away from it.

[FirstIn]

I have to say. Weekends are always not great for me. I'm coming up to 5 months on. I've learnt to expect that and kind of mentally prepare myself for the weekend low if that makes sense (especially the Sunday low). That doesn't mean booking myself out with social interactions as that can make me feel worse sometimes. But, just saying on Sunday - I was ready for this feeling and I can deal with it.

 

In general, I have read and now understand that feeling better comes in trends. You don't gradually feel better bit by bit. You feel good for a day, then crap for a week. Good for a week, crap for a day. Good for 2 weeks, bad for 2 days, etc. It seems to depend a lot too on other factors, such as stress, sleep, random events. I try to think of myself as slowly climbing up a mountain.

 

The numbness comes and goes to in trends. Sometimes I get surprised and also sad when I realise I have been happy for a day or two, then i remember that she is gone and I feel overwhelmed with sadness and feel numb that I lost this person in my life.

 

Hope? Can't say I really have it right now. I only hope to feel better in the future. Trying to think about being hopeful for something right now isn't going to help you. It will probably make you think about what you were hopeful for in the past. Best just to focus on the present right now and just hope to feel happier in the future. Don't think to big or too in the future as it can be very daunting right now.

 

I think it's a matter of just controlling the now (because that is the only thing you can control), accepting the past and saying that's life and feeling numb over it when needed. You will swing back to the numb and sad side more often then not, and feel scared that you are forgetting. It's quite complicated, eventually you will just get sick of thinking about everything negative because you simply have to move forward. Seriously, you will get sick of feeling sad and about him.

[janesmiley]

Heartbrok3n445, I hope you are feeling better today and I understand what you are feeling as well. It's been 5 weeks since I've seen my ex and I also had a tough weekend. I'm making a lot of really positive changes in my life that I feel good about, but it seems like I will take 2 steps forward one day and then 3 steps back the next. I woke up in the middle of the night feeling like because he moved on so quickly and is fine with out me (total assumption on my part), it must mean he never really loved me. I got in the shower this morning and just sobbed. It came out of nowhere.

 

I saw a YouTube video this weekend which was a bit cheesy, but kind of made a lightbulb go off in my head at the same time. The guy basically said to imagine a big group of pebbles on a beach that all essentially look the same. Your ex was one of those pebbles. He looked like all the others but when you got together and the combination of the two of you, and your personality / actions / energy (what YOU brought to the table in the relationship) is what created the things that were special and meaningful. It was not that he was an extra special pebble. It was the combination of the two of you and the synergy between you. So if you can create that with one seemingly ordinary pebble, you can create that with others. I don't know if that helps, but it flipped my thinking from "I'll never find someone I can connect with like him again" to "ok, I can have something like that again - maybe even something better." I'm also reminding myself that I am AWESOME and incredibly unique, and even if he is dating someone new I'm not so easily replaceable. And he will realize that if he has not already. It won't change anything, but it makes me feel a little better knowing that I am not the only one who lost something in this break up.

 

Hang in there and take it one day at a time. That's all we can do right now. I'm keeping my eyes forward (as Rich said!) and thinking about a vacation I have planned in August. I just keep reminding myself how much further in my healing and how much stronger I will be when I return from my trip. That is helping get me through.

[Davidator]

Haven't had the best weekend. I was at work just working away and focusing on what I was doing when I just suddenly felt sad and like I wanted to burst into tears. I almost did but I held myself together.

 

Hey! Why?! Crying is like the best you can do in these cases! It's like brain's pee, if you understand what I mean, and you feel much better afterwards. If you need to cry, do it. Go to your office's toilet and cry there if you're at work, but it helps a lot.

 

About the rest of your post... I had the same thought about a girl I was with: She seemed to be having the best time, and turns out, 5 months later we were together again. She told me she had to do everything in her hands to move on too, and I understand it.

 

Also: Do NOT facebook-stalk him. Dont look his pics. Dont read old conversations... Just dont. Work with the memories you have but dont get new images. Avoid anything that would give any "food" for your wild imagination. It REALLY helps.

Sports, also help a lot.

Traveling. Go visit friends outside your city/country.

Eat well... I dont know exactly why this works. Maybe because it gives you the feeling that you are taking care of yourself.

Cry. Man, just do it.

Talk. Talk to me, talk to your friends. Talk to your mom, your grandma... hear their advice and listen to how other people moved on from hard situations.

Walk...this is probably same thing like sports. But walking also sets me in a very reflective mood in a non-desperate way

Write... you can have someone listening to your problems 100% of your day, but you do have them 100% of your day... Then write.

Learn. Think (and keep thinking) that this WILL help you be better, stronger, more independent. And think that if it's over now, what you want is to be with someone who will not do that. Learn about you. Learn what you want out of this. Imagine you achieving your goal.

 

I wish you the best of luck. Be strong. You CAN do this.

[LovelyDani87]

I know it sounds cliche but things definitely do get better with, just hang in there.