If you could only save one post from ENA....

[rich46]

...which one would you choose?

 

I'm sure we are all grateful for this wonderful community, and it has helped me get over three major break ups in the last 11 years, since I joined this site. It is a great comfort to know that whenever a break up occurs, I can log back on after years away, and open the treasure trove of support and information.

 

BUT, do you have one particular 'go to' post that you read on a regular basis to pick your spirits up? if so, please post it below!

 

Mine is this wonderful one about the importance of No Contact by MrSoAndSo2009 :

[Clinton]

Your ex asking to stay friends after you break up is like kidnappers asking to stay in touch after they let you go.

[hopelessincan]

lmao now that's funny!

[hopelessincan]

but to answer the actual question... as I am forever the optimist (or stupid lol), I always go back to the 'Getting back together really can happen" thread. Nothing like some false hope to get you through the day!

[wilyone 11]

There is a post from the "8 week challenge" thread that included 3 posts from young men who became totally miserable several months after breaking up with their girlfriends. They all suddenly came to their senses several months later.

 

I've pasted them below. I love reading them. They show how a break-up can put a man in touch with his true feelings.

[No1]

If you love someone, let her go.

If she comes back...He couldnt stand her either.

[sonicfan287]

Very interesting question, rich46 and anybody who's been on ena for long (or even a year or less) can attest to the fact that it's a constant journey on here. Sometimes you're the one who is in need and other times, you're the one who's lending a hand but either way, I've always felt like I was and continue to be a part of something. A lot of the faces change, but the circumstances are surprisingly similar accross the board when it comes to breakups, hardships and triumphs in life for people accross different countries, demographics, upbringings, etc.

 

Your question provoked me to go through ALL my old posts and some of the ones I received from people and wow... I talked about (and heard about) a lot of things in my 5+ years on enotalone. I debated between a couple of posts, one being one of my darkest times (5 years ago when I was posted about being up past 4:30 am over an ex) and one from 2012 when I summed up my emotions and tried to be supportive to all of those with a broken heart. I ended up going with the latter because it signified a time in my life when I was still suffering but was fighting through it. I wasn't through the pain yet but I was able to help those who were in pain while still going through the pain myself.

 

It's great and noble and everything to be a help to those in pain, no matter what, but it's truly difficult to gain a perspective into it unless you're going through something yourself. So, if I had to pick just one, this is the one I went with, from June 2012.

[treesandbees]

Nice thoughtful thread, rich46.

 

I don't have any posts to re-post regarding myself but I do enjoy the thread .. Post here instead of contacting your ex and some things other post are helpful.

[rich46]

Thank you, I enjoyed reading such a heart-warming and positive post!

 

I have spent so much time on here in the last couple of months, primarily in the Healing forum, but I bet I have barely read even 1% of the threads on such a huge website with so much advice. There must be so much buried treasure that can help people to move forward in their healing process.

 

Keep 'em coming...

[johnnib24]

Thanks, it's just like your sig says, it's a more a matter of basic psychology.

 

All those self help books on love, exes, attraction etc are all plugging the same line, mostly with a lot of padding on top of the basic facts.

 

Painting it in very broad strokes and generalisations, The initial sexual attraction gets two people together. The idea that you on a very basic level want to reproduce with this person. Long term that grows into intimacy and attachment and commitment. When one of the partners feels there's no future in the relationship or "something better" comes along(the first usually kickstarts the last) the relationship splits.

 

The new person is more attractive from both a sexual and novelty viewpoint. The only way you're getting an ex back is by getting that part of what you had back. You have advantages and disadvantages as an ex.

 

The bad news is that you can't really compete with the novelty. Basically because the dumper thinks they know you pretty well. They know your moves, they know what you're likely to do in any given situation. They are used to you in conversation, in bed and social settings. You broke some agreement in their heads over trust or fidelity or simply thoughts of a future. The big part is they looked at you, thought about it(usually) and decided that you were not good enough to continue with in a sexual relationship involving a shared future. That's basically it.

 

If it wasn't about sex(and all that means in it's entirety) then when you split you would continue to have sex. If it was about emotional support and companionship, why do so many dumpers want you as a "friend"? See what I mean? To have a chance of getting an ex back to you, you have to get him or her sexual side interested in you. That's the pat that is driving them to have a longterm couple relationship with you. It's the glue that holds it together. Am I saying it's all about sex? No I'm not, that's just a shorthand for all the things that bring and hold a couple together. You're compatible, you're good for each other, you can both see a future together, that makes you want to reproduce with each other etc.

 

The good news? They fell in love with you before, so you're broadly their "type". The longer they were with you and the older they are the truer that is. If your ex is 17 then I would say forget it. All bets are off. They don't know what their type is, or at least they don't know what their type will be in 5 years time. Your ex doesn't know the rebound(they think they do, but they're only projecting a fantasy at that point). All they know is that it's new and they're not you. The finding out is initially fun, but if basic compatibilities are not there or even if they are the transitional period into attachment is just as variable as it was with you. Also you know them and you know their needs and if you examine what went wrong in the relationship you can fix that should you want to. You know them better than the rebound. The more the rebound goes on for(if it is a rebound) the more their problems, the problems that your ex has ignored, come to the fore.

 

If you've improved yourself, for yourself in the interim. If you've had LC with the ex and didn't go all childish and immature when you instigated LC or NC, then he/she will think of you. The time apart will tend to make them forget about your bad sides and the things that made them lose their attraction for you. Nostalgia will kick in. When you think about a good holiday you had, you don't tend to remember the waiting around in airports or the bad food one night or the sunburn, except as jokey things. You think about the god parts of the holiday itself. Same with relationships pretty much(unless they were abusive).

 

How do you do this. Easy enough. In no particular order.

 

1. Don't panic and have patience. This isn't a destination it's a journey.

 

2. Really look at the old relationship. Why did it fail? If you went back would it fail for the same basic reasons?

 

3. After the above, ask yourself do you really want them back or are you just in a panic and want what you thought you had? Are you just scared you won't find someone else? If the truthful answer is no, then forge ahead.

 

4. massively reduce or break contact. Individual cases need individual responses. When you do this, do it with kindness, not in a petulant way*. If you're still friends(and for good chance of longterm success I think you need to be still friendly) with the ex and the initial shock of the split has eased all the better. Let them know that this time apart is for them as well as you. Let them know you don't know what the future holds, but for the time being and maybe forever, you can't be friends to each other. Wish them all the love you had for them in their new life. Then leave their new life.

 

5. If they ring or msg or email and you can take the call then take it. keep it short and sweet and avoid talking about the old relationship or relationships in general. Don't be too quick to reply but be mannerly about it. listen to them and what they're saying. People tell you all the time what they mean, so just listen with an objective ear. Don't contact them.

 

6. Move on. LET HER/HIM GO. Even bigger, let your old self go. Forgive yourself and them and improve from that. Improve yourself(gym/hobbies/the usual). As I said this is a time for you. It's a great chance to be free. You're no longer Us you're you and the sooner you apply that to your life both in and out of relationships the better. See other people. That will help you discover if getting the ex back was a kneejerk panic reaction. DO NOT start a serious relationship with someone else unless you have truly moved on and don't want to go back to the ex. Be very careful about this. You stand a good chance of hurting yourself and them. That kind of karma will come back to haunt you.

 

7. Never tell them you've changed. As Superdave says show them. You do that by letting go for a start. You also create novelty where they thought there was none by showing those changes. Old parts of you they loved+new parts they never expected= major attraction.

 

8. Never make them feel guilty for leaving you. It makes you look weak. Poison in a woman's eyes when she looks at a man.

 

9. If they want to come back, do not accept anything from them until they've worked for it and shown you they've changed and are willing and able to work on a new relationship, that just happens to have the two of you in it.

 

10. If it looks good and you are starting again, don't tell them you love them from the start, especially the way you did during the breakup. The reason it didn't work then is because a) it didn't matter, they didn't feel the same, or b) they instinctively knew it was all about you not them. I loooove you! when faced with a split is used as a bargaining tool or as an side effect of panic.

 

11. Build a new better relationship with them. The same way you built an new better relationship with yourself.

 

12. If there was real love and affection there and you have both grown up a bit, the chance is good you will reconnect. If you don't the you'll be a better person and you will have the split to thank for that.

 

I've probably missed a lot of stuff there, but If I think of anymore(maybe not I've outstayed my welcome..).

 

* I would put money that if you do the NC in a petulant or childish way, they will know it. The only way they'll come back in 90% of cases after that is when and if the rebound/new relationship goes sour. I read and have a lot of admiration for Superdave's posts on this subject. I actually came into this particular part of this site through reading his stuff. It's very good advice(I've given some of it to a friend of mine going through similar). He advocates NC for the dumpee and I see and understand his very valid reasonings. It get YOU back and that is the best thing. That said if after you get yourself back and you still want the ex back in your life, going radical NC out of the blue will not help your case. Now he got his ex back and it's going well and good luck to the pair of them. The truth is however, his ex only came back because the rebound dumped her. Fact. Superdave rightfully made her work to get back his love and respect, but I would be very very surprised if she had come back if the rebound guy(the love of her life apparently at one stage) hadn't dumped her. That said, there are people here that come accross as very needy. NC helps them let go and grow up and that's good.

THIS IS THE ONE THAT STUCK WITH ME THE MOST SO FAR

[journeynow]

I remember this one by Karvala stood out for me (5 years ago):

[rich46]

Wow that was an excellent read, thanks for sharing

[hopelessincan]

and this post..i just read

 

 

Let me stop you right there.

 

There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. You're a caring person who got taken advantage of. You're also obviously very talented, because you've created not one but TWO successful businesses (the one she squandered and the one that's making you rich). You're a catch. You're the guy the girls wanna bring home to meet their parents.

 

Feeling heartbroken and wanting her back is not a flaw. But what might help you clear your head is to ask yourself a question:

 

Do you miss her? Is it really her you miss? Or is it the comfort, security, and complete trust you had when you were with her?

 

It's easy to let the feelings you had for someone get tied up in who they are, when in reality, it's completely separate. She's no longer the person she was when you were together, and she's made that abundantly clear. So while it makes sense to mourn the loss of that person, take care that you're not also simultaneously associating those feelings with who she is now, because that's not her anymore.

 

On the bright side, while money isn't everything (not by a long shot), it certainly makes everything a little easier. You've got drive and determination, otherwise you wouldn't be as successful as you are. Use that for your own benefit. Beat this cancer first thing, then after you recover, take advantage of the life you've built for yourself and live it to the fullest. Do all the things you ever wanted to do. I guarantee you there is someone out there so much better than what you're drowning in misery over right now. I know that's hard to hear, and we're trained to reject that notion to somehow validate the love we had, but it's absolutely true. You know you loved her, and you can live with that. But just because you loved her doesn't mean you can't love anyone else ever again. It ended, so obviously there was too much wrong for it to last. But you've learned about yourself, and learned what you're looking for, and the next time you give it a try you'll be even better off.

 

Head high, man. I know 18 months seems like a long time, but every day the past gets fuzzier and the future gets brighter. Keep your loved ones close. They've always been there for you, so lean on them, beat this illness, and come out the other side stronger, sexier, more determined than ever. She can't even be bothered to give you a phone call in your time of need. She's certainly not worth throwing everything away for.