Two Commitment phobics, one big mess, help

[Palmbaby]

OK I'll try to keep this short but I need help so here goes. Nearly 2 years ago after a lifetime of avoiding commitment I met a man in the country my Dad lives in. At first I think 'oh goody another holiday romance' but after 3 days it's 'oh God, my soulmate' We're the same age, same personalities,same everything including same commitment issues. Mine from childhood abandonment, his from his wife of 20 years leaving him, he lost everything,kids, house etc. He says he can't have a serious relationship ever again, I say OK. Of course this all changes, I go there, he comes here, it's getting serious, then, 4 months in he tells me he's had a 3 day fling with a tourist. I'm devastated, he's bemused,after all he never promised exclusivity, so I end it.

Well he gets back in touch, a few weeks later I go over, by now he's had another fling but I don't care,they're nothing. We see each other every few weeks & it's all lovely and we're very,very happy. We joke about his 'other women' but I don't think he's done anything, he says he's changed since he met me, the flings still contact him and he usually replies, which is fine as long as that's all it is, and by the end of the first year in May we both know it's gone up to a different level, though we're both too scared to talk about it. He wants to come over to see me in July.

Then in June I have to go over unexpectedly (sick stepmother) & it's not the same, it's his busiest time,he's working non stop,I'm running around after my parents,he gives me 'housekeeping money'(!) I feel like I've turned into his wife, he's pushing me away,I get clingy and scared. When I get back I lose it, ring him & tell him it can't continue like this. He tells me I love him & want more than he can give after what happened to his marriage. So it sort of ends in a mad phone call.

But we keep in contact & in October I go over to see family, we meet & it's like long lost love & we're happy again. But since we split he's had yet another fling, & the day I leave I tell him I love him but I won't be one of 2 or 3 or whatever so that's it.

Next day he rings me, 3 weeks later I write saying I'm very sad but it has to be like this, we carry on exchanging friendly texts,then I get a 'what are you doing for Xmas' one, with kisses! I send one saying I wanted to come over but no plane seats left, lucky as I can't see you if you want other women too. Xmas day he rings me just after midnight 'just to say Happy Xmas'. Now I've heard nothing since New Year's Day. I've sent him 2 texts, I said I miss him.

I don't know what's going on here. I've never really let myself love before,he told me I'm the most serious he's been since his wife, I met his mother, his kids, all his brothers & sisters (this in a seriously Catholic country), all his friends say we should be together. I know he's scared, I'm terrified too, he knows I don't want to marry him or even live with him yet, I just want respect and monogamy!

I know I should forget him, but it seems so stupid, we really were good together.

[DN]

Read over your post and then see if your final statement "we were really good together" makes sense. Because from my reading of it, you were anything but.

[RayKay]

Read over your post and then see if your final statement "we were really good together" makes sense. Because from my reading of it, you were anything but.

 

Hate to say it, but ditto on DN's comment.

 

Being good together does not involve flings, lack of commitment (and him TELLING you you love him more than he does you, and want more than he can provide), being bemused when you are hurt, and so on.

 

He sounds like he just is not interested in anything more with you, and is not just a commitment phobe, sorry to say.

[Palmbaby]

Wow, quick response, not what I want to hear but... I guess I see it as someone who's so terrified of loss that I can't show emotions, can't get involved, keep people at arms length, can't say what I feel. So I sort of understand his behaviour -it's fear and insecurity driven, I do much the same sort of thing - apart from the flings.

Still doesn't excuse him treating me like that & me putting up with it & I'm having counselling to deal with my self esteem issues. Wish he would too but he's the strong silent type so no chance there. It just seems such a waste, I know I'm biased but, honestly, he's kind, quite gentle and shy, and very, very, bitter about his wife and kids. He never saw it coming, she went off with someone else, he's never worked through it.

We were good together in our own mutually scared way - honest.

[DN]

Two comments:

 

again from reading the post: it doesn't seem to me that he is very kind if he treats you like that. Kindness is not just about refraining from kicking the cat or donating five bucks to the tsunami disaster but how you treat people close to you over the long term e.g. by having their well-being in mind before yours. And that does not jibe with his behaviour.

 

If he is in a "seriously Catholic" country does that mean he is a committed, faithful Catholic himself? Because if so, the Catholic religion does not allow divorce (he may be divorced secularly but that is a different issue). If you ever want marriage from him that may be a major issue.

[Palmbaby]

I can't quite work out how to do this! Anyway thanks, I know his behaviour was self centred and controlling & I'm the same, I want to call the shots too. Anyway now I have & it's not what I want & I don't think it's how he wants it either but we're both too scared to talk it through. Where he lives you can't get divorced but I dont want marriage so that's not a problem. He was a good Catholic till his wife left, never been in a bar. Now it's like he's rejected his whole background and there's guilt wtih that too. I think the male culture thing is also an issue, women aren't an everyday thing unless you happen to be married to one.

I don't want to let go becuase we really had a connnection, & that doesn't happen often. We just are too emotionally inarticulate to sort it out. Anyway I know I should drop it but....

[Palmbaby]

Oh bugger,I just read through this again & on paper I can't see why I'm so fixated, if we can't talk then there's not much hope. But the reality is that I love him, flaws and all. Why is it so difficult, why do I persist? If someone nice came into my life I'd run a mile. Never experienced anything but chaos I guess.

When do you give up - if you believe there's something there.I don't know, wish I could.