Have an addictive personality and want to fix myself

[KaiserSalad]

I've always been one to try to escape reality through some medium whether it's video games, drugs, music, porn, etc. Lately my mind has been in a dark place and while I have tried to use less the past couple weeks, I'm still in that mindset. I just drank an energy drink for no reason other than the dopamine reward and have been wasting away a few hours on the internet doing nothing productive.

 

I'd say the worst thing about my personality is that I also have the ability to get addicted to people, usually narcissists. So I may have issues with codependency as well. But lately I have done a full 180 and am starting to become very withdrawn and unempathetic.

 

I fear that my issues can't be fixed. If anyone has seen that interview with Robert Downey Jr when he storms out, he got a little emotional when the interviewer asked if he was past his addiction past. So maybe he isn't past it (I believe he last abused when he was 35, and he's 50 now). I wonder if it's something that one can never really get over and has to always learn to mitigate.

 

Don't know what I'm looking for here but it felt good to write this down.

[ndnd05]

Uhh go to counseling? Are you currently seeing a therapist?

 

If Courtney Love can kind of turn it around, you can too.

[chitown9]

I believe that it will always be something that you will need to work on. The good thing is that you acknowledge that you have an addictive personality. Also, you have observed that you are attracted to narcissists and that you may be codependent.

 

Acknowledgement is the first step to fixing the problem. Have you considered consulting with a therapist? chi

[Khaleesi86]

We all have our neuroses and part of your addictive personality (I think) is how exaggerated and somewhat dramatic you are.

(Explains why you latch onto narcissists: They're a dramatic lot... Always thinking everything has to do with them.)

 

I have an addictive personality as well, but it doesn't get me down like it does you.

I suggest you swap one bad addiction for a lesser evil.

You like drugs? Drink coffee... Red Bull... Not healthy, but better than blow.

You like video games? Become a chronic cleaner... Like a meth head. At least it's the more productive "bad" habit, you know?

Or, become a total obsessive gym rat or workaholic.

You just need to channel your obessiveness into the most productive option because that part of who you are ain't going anywhere.

You're picking some pretty lazy things to obsess over.

 

As for your co dependency, we all "latch" onto a certain type. Instead of latching onto narcissists, find a better type to attach to.

 

Just make better choices.

[KaiserSalad]

It does sound dramatic and maybe I'm self-pitying a little bit, but now that I think about it more, I don't even know if the addictive personality is what gets me down. If I'm sober/undistracted for too long I start thinking about past trauma, anxiety/depression kicks in, and I can barely leave the house. So maybe the addictions are a symptom and not the disease. You're right about me picking lazy things to obsess over, and maybe someday I will be in the state of mind to become a gym rat, etc. But right now seeing a counselor seems to be the best step.

[ATLstudent]

Have you looked into a 12 step group....porn, drugs, codependency, they have one for each but ssometimes one will cover all your bases. It's hard to say.....there is a biology argument that says addicts are just wired they way they are. I think with the right amount of self awareness, resolve, and tools people can work on themselves , change , and or use there characteristics in more productive ways. Me...I've found that , at least at seems ...you've got to become a super person....a go getter, leader, disciplined warrior type......it's the sort of strange but addiction manifests it's self very powerfully....therefore it's just a strong attribute and if it's in the negative and being expressed in using, sex, relationships, drugs..whatever it's really really bad....but if you are positively directing your life and really trying to live well, off drugs or whatever your addicted to, it's still very powerful just directed in a better way....as well as the characteristics of "ailment" even being changed from compulsivity to things like attention to detail....etc.....the negatives becomes positives. AA makes things easier, but it's not always easy, and the self directed life is certainly not either...not for people who don't have addiction problems either.

But so far in life two things have worked for treating my personality type....AA or a 12 step, also done SLAA. Or living big , ambitious , disciplined...following my heart and being a soldier as much as I can....very health conscious, and working on skills etc....my relationships have suffered as I tend to be a loner....but so was Einstein and he was a big fan of lonerism and he was a pretty smart guy. Sex life have been great at times but need work. But for me it's, no sugar, exercise, no porn, working on skill sets...learning, just being in GO mode as much as I can.

That being said Balance is a major part of living a healthy life so i think not trying to be superman is important too. Also I often fail and fall off this, get into junk food , get lazy, get porny etc.....sometimes I can't get right for a month or two...but I know falling down happens and it's ok.....but for me to feel really good I have found i gotta really try to tear it up and live pretty big and pretty good. AA made some things easier but when I got brutally honest I didn't believe everything there and wanted a different type life than I saw there, just my preferences....and people stay in even if they feel this way, I didn't want to do that. I know my life style choice makes life a bit harder and more challenging for me...but that's not a reason to turn anything down.....usually means there's some pretty great rewards to be had. I think, I hope.

Anyway those are the avenus I've been down and the one im on now, I've been off my game for a bit now and need to get back on with things .....hope some of this can be helpful to you.

[SpottiOtti]

Something to explore in therapy: What emotions are you trying to avoid or cover or stamp out with substances? Where did they come from?

 

Lyrics from an Interpol song seem appropriate:

 

I live my life with no pain

Just some rage and three kinds of yes

 

 

Right?

[chickadeedee]

>> If I'm sober/undistracted for too long I start thinking about past trauma, anxiety/depression kicks in, and I can barely leave the house.

 

If you have had past trauma, the answer for that is to get evaluated by a doctor and to get into treatment. There are all kids of different therapies for past trauma or PTSD, and the addictive behaviors may just be a symptom of the real problem that needs treatment.

 

I suggest you really do investigate getting the trauma addressed. There can also be biochemical imbalances that trigger addictive behavior, so you should get evaluated rather than self diagnosing the source of your issues.

[KaiserSalad]

Well it has been a few months and I've come a long way since I made this post. A VA doctor said I display some symptoms of ptsd and schizophrenia but no diagnosis.

 

.....hope some of this can be helpful to you.

 

This post actually helped a lot and gave me some perspective. THe whole constantly on the move thing does suck. For example if I have nothing to do I will just pace back and forth listening to music. Insomnia sometimes too. Lately I've spent a lot of time running and in the gym and have use the money I would've spent on drugs and alcohol on good food instead.

[Hermes]

Have a look at this Kaiser. Could be helpful.

 

"Why Do I Do That?: Psychological Defense Mechanisms and the Hidden Ways They Shape Our Lives" by Dr. Joseph Burgo

 

and the author-s site has many interesting and very readable articles.

 

link removed

[Zen12084]

Ignorance is bliss.

Try to escape reality whenever you can. The real-world sucks.